NEED ADVICE -My girlfriend has kids

[offshore]

Im new to this forum and have registered because i need some advice, and opinions. I have been going out with a woman (30 years old) for about 16 months and although we have had fights every now and then, everything has been pretty good. The problem lies in the fact that she has two daughters aged 2 and 4.

 

Im only 25 and when we became more than just friends it was a big deal to me that she had kids, and i was persuaded by her to give it a go, and that i would never have to play the family guy. The real father has them on weekends. I resigned myself to the fact that she had kids and all the restrictions that would put on our relationship and gave it a go.

 

Ive found myself liking them more and more but i still find myself thinking 'what have i got myself into' on many occasions when im with the kids and they are being difficult, or when social life with my girlfriend is restricted because of them.

 

I must point out that i dont live with them, although i stay at her house regularly, and as im at work moday to friday i generally only see them at night or if i offer to look after them while my girl goes surfing, (got her into it now she cant stop!).

 

She turned 30 yesterday and today we had big argument and the general gist of it was that she expects me to play a bigger part in the kid's lives now that we've been going out for over a year. Her argument was that she feels really restricted in the time we spend together because i dont want to spend a whole lot of time with the kids.

 

I have made steady progress in accepting and leanring to love the kids, and they really like me, but the idea of playing a big part in their lives and spending a lot of time playing the 'family guy' freaks me out still. I have many things id love to do with my girlfriend (travel/festivals etc), but am unable to do unless it includes the kids.

 

Am i unreasonable in thinking that my girlfriend should be just grateful with what i am offering at the moment?

 

Is it acceptable to sacrifice some of my dreams to stay with my girlfriend?

 

My ideal girlfriend doesnt have kids, and all the restrictions that they impose, should i weigh up the good with the bad? Should i listen to that voice saying 'get out' or just compromise? Or should i give myself the chance to meet my ideal girlfriend?

 

I really love this woman but am not sure if i like the demands being placed on me. i really need some help in figuring this out!! Any help would be greatly appreciated, especially from others who have been in a similar situation! Thanks

[freedom]

to be honest, from what you say, i think you are not ready for this kind of relationship. One thing about this kind of relationship is the FACT that she has kids. Your dreams of trvelling and holidays are not realistic in this situation. She has kids! She cannot just drop them and leave and if she did she is not a good quality mother and thus would you really want to be with her???

 

Having kids comes with HUGE responsiblities, as a mother SHE has choosen and thus cannot back out. As a boyfriend in a relationship has not gone 100% such as moving in and accepting the kids you have a choice.

 

If you are not ready, i would advice you to move away from the relationship, reason being is that you will not only hurt 1 person, you will hurt 3 persons! not only that, you WILL leave an impression with 2 young girls.

 

Remember, the situation are as they are, IT WILL NOT CHANGE. You have to accept that way of life.

The responsiblities and scarifices are huge! and IF you arent ready for them, get out of the situation even though you like her.

 

IF and i say IF you are ready, I wish you well.

[annie24]

well, your gf is a package deal. it's her + 2 kids. you don't just get her.

 

Is it acceptable to sacrifice some of my dreams to stay with my girlfriend?

 

My ideal girlfriend doesnt have kids, and all the restrictions that they impose, should i weigh up the good with the bad? Should i listen to that voice saying 'get out' or just compromise? Or should i give myself the chance to meet my ideal girlfriend?

 

well, this is hard. I'd say that no one's boyfriend or gf lives up to their ideal fantasy. everyone has baggage or some previous troubles in their life. remember, that children have turned your gf into the wonderful woman she is today. I bet if she didn't have children, she would be a very different person.

 

so, I guess you have some soul-searching to do. you can leave behind this relationship and try to find a woman without children... (as this issue has been bothering you for a while), or you can accept these kids and play a bigger role in their lives and get closer to your gf.

 

good luck.

[englishwoman41]

Hiya, you cant have it all here im afraid. You have met a woman with children who need her more than you do and she will always have her children but may not always have you and so you either will have to accept this or move on.

Either accept this or go and look for your ideal woman .

[canonman]

i stay at her house regularly,

 

you need to stop doing that, it's "playing house" and it's making her feel there is more of you in this relationship with kids than there really is.

 

She turned 30 yesterday and today we had big argument and the general gist of it was that she expects me to play a bigger part in the kid's lives now that we've been going out for over a year.

 

kids see you staying over, being involved, and naturally you are seen as becoming a bigger part of their lives.

 

I have made steady progress in accepting and learning to love the kids,

 

I'm sure they feel the same way...but it's harmful for kids to see their mom in a one year relationship with a stay-over boyfriend who wants their Mommie but not them...

 

My ideal girlfriend doesnt have kids,

 

then be more idealistic, not realistic... it's more fair to you and them

 

I really love this woman but am not sure if i like the demands being placed on me.

 

Do you really love her? and her kids as you say? You may need to take a step back, not sleep over, and just be a part-time boyfriend until you know for sure you can accept the terms that exist. Although she may not like you to do so, it's probably best.

[Rabican]

Id say you are being unreasonable to think that your girlfriend would invest 16 months into a relationship with and for you to think, pretend or wish that you wont have a bigger part in her childrens lives. If you are just friends, or fwb, then thats a different story. But you are boyfriend/ girlfriend and a relationship should, at some point progress. In your case I think that means being a bigger part of her, and her childrens lives. Do you want to be daddy? No most likely not. But you should look at them in a higher regard than you would another girls pet cat. ya know?

 

So the question is, are you ready for this, or not? What would you do if you got her pregnant? Would you be there, or would you be freaked out and not want to deal?

 

The thing you need to remember here is that her kids are her kids. For most people children are the biggest slice of the pie when it comes to their lives. YOu can always change jobs, buy a new house, get a new car, switch schools, dump your man and find a new one.... but you only get the children that you have. So I think its time to decide if you can be your girlfriends man, or her boy(friend). Those kids arent going anywhere...

[offshore]

I have been making progress with these kids and i do actually like them, i wouldnt have given it a chance if i thought there was no chance that i could get used to it and be happy! I actually have found myself becoming protective towards the girls and that has been a good feeling, different, but good! The point is i have been making progress, but it takes time, you cant expect a person in my position to automatically love the kids and give them a time frame for when they should be playing 'dad'. I know its been 14 months, but it is a natural progression to learn to love a partner's children. I havent moved in with them because she has said she doesnt want that due to welfare payment issues.

[Momene]

As someone married and living with a daughter who is the child of both of us, parenthood and step-parenthood is extremely demanding. However, my 16 year old daughter is a great friend as well as being our daughter, so I'm collecting interest from the investment of time with her.