OK.. Ive hit rock bottom

[redsuede]

Was feeling "fine" innitially.. Now, I feel like someone has hit me over the head with a sledge hammer.. Its getting real hard. I got some advice a few weeks ago to do complete NC.. Of course I didnt listen too well, I did no contact on my end..

 

We went to close the house, I cried. Everytime I see her, I turn in to a mess.. A huge mess. When she is not around, I start doing fine again.

 

What I can say is that I REALLY dont want her back, and that is good, because it really is true that when you maintain contact, it makes it easier for them to move on,.... and harder for you to get off the fense.

 

Anyway, I finally cried this morning about all of this.. I am so mad, I am so upset..How could she do this to me again.. I am mad at myself for missing her.. I am mad that I cared.. I am mad that I thought we were something. And I am mad that I must have felt I deserved to be treated that way.. I am mad that she seems COMPLETELY FINE..

[luvursmile]

sometimes you need a good cry. But it seems that if she affects you so much, maybe you should lose all contact with her. I know its easier said than done, but with enough time, you'll be ok.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

It sounds like you are going through a tough time.

 

What happened?

 

Do you want to talk about it?

[terk2021]

I hear you my friend. My fiance canceled our wedding 3 weeks before it. We took a marriage prep class, and I have actuallys stayed close with the minister that taught it, and was going to marry us.

 

He gave me a great piece of advice. I am not the most religious person on the face of the earth, but remember that God is watching, and everything happens for a reason. Not that revenge should be a factor, but if you have done everything that you could have done in the relationship, and you are a good person, and she does not care or is messed up and does not know how to care, it will come out in the wash.

 

And everything happens for a reason. My friends have been telling me to look at this as a blessing and that I may have been saved from something far worse than what I have been going through...

[redsuede]

Well, to make a really long story short, I have been the most pathetic person on the face of the planet.. Now I am getting just a thread of self esteem and not wanting to get hurt anymore.. Been cheated on a few times in 7 years, also hit, kicked... verbally abused.. and I just got left and dumped again a month ago. I was so glad at first, and still am I guess. Its just now that I am feeling scared, and mad that I am in this situation once again.. Moving, relocating, readjusting.. This is my fault because I have allowed it over and over again..Why the heck would I think that we were so special? She doesnt feel the same, and said she never has.. 7 years down the drain..

[Tj williams]

what do you mean by 7 years down the drain is that what she think it was?

[redsuede]

Thank you Terk...That really helped a lot.. Thank you.

[redsuede]

we were together 7 years..

[Aschleigh]

You are lucky to get out of this abusive situation alive. Things could be much worse.

You are now not being hit, kicked, or verbally abused. Isn't that a lot better?

There will be sadness. This is NOT your fault. She is hurting too, even if she doesn't show it. You are free now to have a healthy relationship, a life without abuse, a life!

You have learned much in the last 7 years. They were not a waste.

Live now.

[redsuede]

Wow.. Thank you. Its refreshing to hear that it will all get better, and hear the words of support.. I try not to post about myself, but I am glad I did.. I needed this!!!

[terk2021]

It's hard to turn love on and off like it's a switch. After all she has put me through, I heard she was sick, so yesterday I went by the store and picked up a card, mixed flowers, soup, and tootsie pops, her favorite and put them on the doorstep of her apartment. I barely got a thank you...

 

I get reminded every day about NC from friends, family and this site. It takes time to sink in. It took me 1 year to get over the 1st love of my life. This one, 4 months. I think after what I did yesterday and what I got in return says it all.

 

There is some truth to the fact that she may be hurting. I have heard from mutual friends that my ex has been out buying a ton of things, trying to keep busy, and all of those things. When it comes right down to it though, these friends tell me that she is not happy. Kind of makes me feel good, but I wish her no harm.

 

So tonight, I am going out with friends, and I am going to remember that someone broke my heart, and I found someone else that loved me after that. I am 35, never been married, and I look forward to the day that I meet her, whoever or wherever she is.

 

But don't give up... There is someone out there that wants the same things you do... And remember, YOU DESERVE BETTER.

 

I am not a huge country music fan, but there is a song out there by Rascal Flats "God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you". That was supposed to be our wedding song...

 

Someone is out there watching out for us. Keep your head up, and don't let her win by you giving up. I gave up for 4 months, and today is a new beginning for me. Let it be one for you!

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

I was a victim of abuse too, for 5 years. It was very difficult to leave, but it was the best thing I've ever done and trust me, with time, you do heal, and you do get your self esteem back. Me, I'm proud of myself that I got away from him, and with time, you will be proud of yourself too.

 

I want to tell you something important- it is NOT your fault!

 

Partners who abuse usually do so in a very covert manner, breaking the person's self esteem down piece by piece until they have them believing that they are the cause of the abuse, or that they somehow provoked it. Not the case.

 

You were a victim in all of this, and the best thing that has happened is that she is gone and is no longer able to do this to you.

 

No one deserves to be treated that way.

[redsuede]

Hey Hope.. If you dont mind me asking.. how did you get away? BTW, thank you very much for your words. I NEEDED to hear that.. yes, I do feel like it is all my fault. I really tried to be perfect.. I mean it too. Of course it would back fire, because I would literally tell myself I HAVE TO.. To avoid any problems.. I thought I could do the impossible..

[redsuede]

Hey Terk.. That is horrible.. You just need to know that you did an awesome thing. That is incredible to be so selfless. I am sorry that she doesnt appreciate you and what you do. Things will get better. I like that what you said about Today being the day to start a new beginning.. I think I want to join you!!!! Thanks..

[Hope75]

Hey Hope.. If you dont mind me asking.. how did you get away? BTW, thank you very much for your words. I NEEDED to hear that.. yes, I do feel like it is all my fault. I really tried to be perfect.. I mean it too. Of course it would back fire, because I would literally tell myself I HAVE TO.. To avoid any problems.. I thought I could do the impossible..

 

I don't mind. My escape was pretty dramatic! My ex very nearly killed me at the end. After this attack, I called my parents and asked them if I could come home and they said yes. They were crying because I was finally going to leave him after so many years of abuse and a few late night phone calls from the hospital to them. I was crying too- because I was happy!

 

I waited until the weekend, when he was starting a new job, and working a long day, beginning at 7 am. Right after he left, my family and friends showed up with trucks and cars and I had my van. There were about 8 of us there, and we loaded all my stuff up in trash bags and whatnot and within 6 hours I was moved out. My ex came home and I was gone. I left him a cot, a tv, and a few other things. Everything else was mine, I had supported him most of the 5 years we were together and bought almost everything we had during that time.

 

It was a little sad, he has told me that if I left him he would kill himself, but I eventually had to realize that he was responsible for his own doing, and was just manipulating me, but I was unsafe with him! So he did in fact, overdose that night, and our upstairs neighbor found him unconscious. They rushed him to the ER and he did live.

 

I was tempted to go back and help him, but I knew that just like all the other times it would be different for a week and then he would be beating me again, so I stayed away. I eventually had to get a restraining order against him because he threatened me and a new guy I was seeing shortly after the breakup.

 

I can say without regret that it's 8 years later and I am happy and healthy and very proud of what I did that day, even though it was hard to think about planning to get away, once I did, I found it to be the easiest and best thing that I had ever done for myself.

 

Are you thinking about getting out too?

[Lioness]

Hi Redsuede,

 

I am in a situation much like yours. My husband and I have been together 6 years. He has two daughters and I have two daughter. For the past six years we've been living together as a blended family. I wanted to make sure it was the right decision so we didn't get married until last year. He had a car accident last November and was diagnosed with TBI - Traumatic Brain Injury. For months he had serious side affects and problems. Then last February it seemed to have cleared up but he kept wanting to be alone. He would go off camping alone, not come home at night and stay in hotels. I made him move out because his behavior was so erratic and it was affecting all the girls. I was giving him the space he needed to "sort through" his issues. He said he didn't want a family, a wife and to be a husband any more. He was focusing on himself and what he wanted. Then I found out he was in love with someone else. My world caved in and I wanted to disappear. I have our house up for sale, and I bought a townhome. I moved about three weeks ago. He's fine, happy with his new love, living in an apartment not far from me, and has no sense of responsibility to me or the kids at all. He lied and deceived all of us and doesn't care one bit. I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea. The position we are in is basically the previous life our partners had. They're not interested in us, our well being or our feelings. We're history. If ever I wanted to believe people get what they deserve it's now. He's floating through life destroying lives and doesn't seem to be affected at all.

 

I feel for you. Take care.

 

Lioness

[redsuede]

Oh no! I am so sorry to hear your situation. I really am. How are you now that you have moved? I bet you were so torn apart. Do you have a support system? It dumbfounds me that there are truly people out there that can just wreck lives and not care. Move on and not see or want to see just what they have done.. You should not have been a victim of that. Feel free to contact me anytime if you need to talk.

[redsuede]

So, I thought I needed to post again.. For this last 4 months we have had contact. She has wanted to be friends, and I have not, although I have still tried to maintained contact, it has made my emotional status much worse. Sometimes I got a crumb, and I would feel happy for the moment, but knowing inside that reality is there and I am just not looking at it. Two days ago, I was talking to her on chat, and she said something hurtful to me. I closed out of chat and said that I didnt deserve that. That was a very huge step for me. Ignored the email after that because I knew I am shaky. Yesterday I got an email from her saying that she doesnt know what happened or why, and that she is saying goodbye now. I sent one back saying goodbye back. Now its truly over, I have that doom feeling all over again. I know I am doing the right thing, why does it feel so bad?

[SuperDave71]

Hi Redsuede,

 

 

Ya ready to get a kick in the pants and boost your self-esteem? I figured its the week-end and I would carry you for a bit.

 

Let me ask ya a qusetion?

 

If someone says they love ya...then kick you in the groin ..over and over again? What are you going to believe?

 

Your hurt is NOT because if te loss of her (maybe a tad) but because of your feelings of little self-worth. you hae that sorry notion that you will NEVER meet anyone else and if ya did, it would fail anyway BLUES.....

 

DON'T GIVE IN TO YORU SILLY NOTIONS OR FEELINGS OF LITTLE SELF WORTH YOU KNUCKLEHEAD!!!

 

 

Are ya nuts!? Pick your butt off teh floor and realize, God does NOT make trash....DO NOT EVER LET ANYONE hurt your feelings and allow them to get away with it.

 

Your ex is an ex because you couldn't get along. You are missing the attention NOT her. In your book, even the negative attention is better than none. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

 

Get up and out of the house and go catch a movie! Go to a pub! Go out with friends!

 

Celebrate your new found freedom. Think of it like this....

 

 

When you have moved into a new apartment or house...it feels "odd" but once you give it time...it starts to feel like "Home".

 

 

Life is Waaaaay to short to let someone get you down. All you need is some confidence. Confidence, NOT ARROGANCE, is sexy to women.

 

Try to stop the feeling of wanting yoru ex back ...

 

 

If you have a broken pot....and you leave it on a mantle and walk away....when you come back...it's STILL a broken pot.

 

Why? Because the POT refuses ( ok ..it can't) change.

 

 

You need to pick up the pieces to your pity party, put them in yoru pocket and stand up tall and walk into the bathroom...look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself:

 

"I am better than this".."I deserve Better than this"....."She does not control me" over and over again....

 

One day...you will smile again. There will come a day when she will NOT enter your thoughts...

 

It will come....give it time and STOP worrying about it so much!

 

 

It's 2007.....MOVE ON MY FRIEND!!

 

 

Get cleaned up...put on some good clothes and go out and have a ball!!

 

 

YOu can do it! We are here if you need us!!

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[redsuede]

Thank you SuperDave..

 

I read this advice on Friday, and I did just that. I went out with my friends this weekend to the bar and I had a blast. I have also felt the need to clean clean clean. (And I already do keep my house clean). I have felt all weekend really good about the situation being where it is, and then this morning it kinda feels sad again. I guess this is normal. The thing that has taken me years to realize is that when you make it sooo easy for them to come back, it leaves you with the sense that you are not good enough for them to show you that you are. NC makes you know that you are feeling that you are good enough for someone to love you and show you just that. When you call them and try to make that connection again, it only shows them and you that they dont have to try. If you are not worth it to them, then they wont make that step and try. I want to be with someone one day that I feel like I matter, and that I am not the only one trying to glue the relationship together. Being alone gives me that feeling that I am important too, because I am not just jumping through hoop after hoop just to get contact.. I hope I am making sense because this is really a foreign feeling. Giving yourself what you deserve makes all the difference on how you feel about yourself and what you should allow. I am done. Life can be good, and it shouldnt feel this way. Even though I am sad, I still know that I deserve to be happy in a relationship or even alone, jumping through hoops always made me feel like I am such a **** , like I am not worth it.

 

Your words really helped me.. Hopefully now life will even out and the sadness will be further apart.

 

Thanks again.. If it wasnt for this forum.. I would be so lost..

[meantime]

It is hard to know exactly what it is about ourselves that we feel like we don't deserve something good in our lives. I hope those tears are for yourself and not for someone who would be so cruel to another human being. Keep posting.

[redsuede]

Yes.. Thank you. They are this time. I am just so thrown on the floor of all that I have learned this time.. What pathetic things I did to try to keep us together. Sacrificing just to hear later that she was alone anyway, and the list goes on. Its amazing to me why I would want that in the first place. Why did I feel like we were home together? It has been so easy for her to breakup with me over and over again.. Where in that did I find HOME? Oh well, it is a new year, and I am determined to move on with my life. I only want to be now where I am really wanted and appreciated, so it is time to move away emotionally. I guess the sadness will fade in time