About appropriate office relations

[Daligal83]

Hey, sorry I didn't respond earlier. I was at my internship all day. I think you need to have posted more to have the ability to PM. I'm not sure how many posts you need, but it shouldn't take long. Anytime you want to talk about it though, I'm here.

[anonymous coward]

So, hi again everyone. I can make things a little more interesting now, quite unfortunately for me.

 

As you may remember, I started this post after having spent an entire night completely sleepless in frustration with how my girl's coworkers have tended to take a liking to her in a more than professional way, and how I am often forced to see things develop in that way from afar, yet remain completely powerless about it because to bring it up makes me look jealous and insecure and would ultimately hurt my relationship.

 

Well. In my zombie state, I made a big mistake today.

 

She called on her lunch hour, which she sometimes does. She sensed something was off in my voice, and I think it was mostly that I was tired. But then, somehow, inexplicably, EVERYTHING came out. Just a run-on sentence that lasted for at least 5 minutes.

 

I told her I was up all night, I told her I wasn't feeling great, and then everything just spilled. Like I threw up on myself with words. I told her about how frustrating it was to see her coworkers turn into suitors, how I was worried about her proximity with the new manager, and the nature of the guy from all she's told me... and then, as it purged, I even told her I wrote to an internet forum for some council.

 

It was a total disaster. She was at work, she had to excuse herself and book a conference room so we could talk it out in private.

 

She said she couldn't believe how big a deal I was making of these things, that she never, ever thought this would be a problem for me, that should couldn't believe she was holding the phone in discussion of these things, and she sounded really sad and upset and maybe even angry. Her voice changes when she gets that way.

 

And so on. Misery.

 

What on earth came over me-- I'm beside myself in disbelief and self-contempt. Especially after all your great comments-- how could I have lost it like that. Whether it was lack of sleep or stress (heavy stuff at work and school these days) I can't say. But it was a major mistake.

 

This is the sort of thing that could totally push her away. I wonder if she's even talking about it with her coworkers-- the guys I've been so concerned about.

 

This is tragic. I don't think it will break us up, at least not yet, but it's going to resonate in her for a long time I think. She seemed so drained by it all by the time we hung up.

 

We're going to talk again tonight, in about 2-3 hours. Going to do everything I can to repair the damage I've caused by my weaknessnes.

 

I can't decide if I should just apologize and try to convince her to forget everything I said, or maybe try to better explain myself and how I was feeling, and why, maybe, I was feeling it.

 

Or maybe just not talk about it at all. Talk about something else.

[Daligal83]

Listen, don't freak out too much becuase it happened and you can't change it. Was it the best idea? Maybe not. But on the other hand, if the feelings weren't going away it's important that she knows them. It might help to explain to her though that you know that there's not much she can do about it, just like you can't help but have the feelings.

 

For my last internship we did school-based prevention, and they taught an important concept that I think we tend to forget. "All feelings are OK, but not all behaviors are OK." You have the right to your feelings, but how you act on them is what matters. So tonight explain to her that these are the feelings that you have, but you won't act on them. If that's how you feel, of course. She has to understand how hearing all that could make you jealous. If it didn't, I'd be worried.

 

Good luck!

[anonymous coward]

Thank you for the thoughts. I think that's very sage advice-- we'll see what happens with it.

 

I think my only fear as I sit here waiting for her to get home tonight (so that I may call her) is that I may have lost some of her respect with my showing of such... whatever it was. It was so out of character for me to spill like that. But just as you said, they were real feelings, and I hope they were at least somewhat legitimate, and that I'm not somehow attaching myself to her in such a way that causes a "jealous boyfriend" type of image to form.

 

It's... never happened to me before. Painful, yes. But really interesting for me too.

[Daligal83]

Everyone has jealous thoughts, but the trick is to realize that they come from you and not her. I get jealous of little things all the time but I know how much my boyfriend cares about me and would never do anything to hurt me. So whenever I do get those thoughts, I just think of all the nice things he's done or said to me and I get over it.

 

When you talk to her, remember to use "I feel" statements instead of "You do this." It's important that she gets that you're explaining to her how you feel, not criticizing her for how she acts.

[caro33]

Everyone has jealous thoughts, but the trick is to realize that they come from you and not her. I get jealous of little things all the time but I know how much my boyfriend cares about me and would never do anything to hurt me. So whenever I do get those thoughts, I just think of all the nice things he's done or said to me and I get over it.

 

When you talk to her, remember to use "I feel" statements instead of "You do this." It's important that she gets that you're explaining to her how you feel, not criticizing her for how she acts.

 

Agree completely.

 

And this is how you feel AC! You are responding to SOMETHING, and hey, maybe she'll even help you feel better, not worse. Don't kick yourself too much.

 

These things happen, we can't always be perfect partners. If you behaved rudely, apologise, but you don't need to apologise for sharing your feelings with her. Blurting out to her at her work was a bit unfair, but that's separate from having the feelings in the first place.

 

I see the points raised by others re not blaming her and I begrudgingly agree.

However, I still think have some faith in yourself and your perceptions here - sometimes you're not the first person to have felt this about your partner. Previous relationships may have brought out the same issue for her, and it sounds like that is possible from what you've said. So stop doubting yourself and listen between the lines if you get my drift - she may even be aware that she's like this and she chooses to be that way because it makes her feel good. Not that there's anything wrong with that in itself, but it does mean you have to choose to put up or shut up. (That sounded inconsiderate, sorry, but it is still true.)

[anonymous coward]

Thanks both of you for your thoughts. The nice thing about this whole experience of posting to you guys has been that, regardless of my feeling bad, or even of my mistakes, you remind me that I'm not crazy for thinking or feeling the way I do. When I brought everything up with her that day when she was at work, she made me feel like I was crazy for feeling what I was, like I was somehow reacting in an abnormal way. But, crazy or not, when her coworkers think she's interested in them and try their best to impress her, and she doesn't tell them go away but sort of keeps them around even though she's in love with me... it makes me feel uncomfortable. Valid? Legitimate? Jealous? I don't even think it matters what it is at this point. But the feelings remain.

 

We spoke that night (Tuesday night) and we touched briefly on the topic. She was clearly not herself, not saying much. After a long while she asked if I really loved her, and I said I did. Then we talked about other things.

 

Yesterday we spoke briefly again during the day, just to check in. We talked about our day. I went to a concert last night and came home late, then was busy for most of the day today. I wrote her 2-3 emails, and I have yet to get a response, which is weird.

 

I don't know what to think at this point. I'm flying up on Saturday. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think that something negative may happen... I just want things to be like they were before. Before I said anything to her.

 

Anyway, I'll let you know how the trip goes, for better or worse.

 

Thanks again for your kindesses. Perhaps some day you can call on me so I may return the favor.

[caro33]

Keep your head AC, sounds like you're doing fine. Good luck, I hope this all works out for you and please do let us know how things are for you when you get back.

[Daligal83]

Good luck!! I hope everything goes well. Keep us updated and no matter what happens, we're here for you.

[anonymous coward]

Hi again, I've just returned. As you can see, I stayed two extra days. Elaboration on the way...

 

As you all probably expected, I ended up having a pretty significant confrontation with her about everything, and it was rough for both of us, for a time.

 

We had an awesome brunch Saturday morning (after she picked me up at the airport), and then planned to drive downtown. On the way she took an off-ramp way too fast and we slid a bit, and somehow that gave her a flat tire. She pulled over and started to call a towing service. She seemed amazed that I could change a tire. In the western world, changing a tire is the most common thing... but where she's from, it's a clear job for a specialist. Anyway, it was pouring rain and there was something intimate or special about her holding the umbrella over me while I went to work. It was cool. It felt like we were married or something. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's the way I felt.

 

"Baby, are your hands cold? Here, let me call a tow truck."

"No, I'm fine, baby. But can you hold the umbrella over my head a little bit more? Rain is getting in my eyes."

"Of course, is that better?"

 

It made me feel so great.

 

A few hours later, once downtown, slurping tea, she brought up our troubles of the week (of which you've all been great councilors).

 

It occurred right in the middle of the day on Saturday while we were sitting in the lobby of the hotel, and it wrecked all our other plans (I had bought some tickets for us to see some shows and stuff, but, when in the middle of what we were, nothing else mattered...)

 

She said if I had other girls paying so much attention to me all the time, she'd be jealous. That was so nice to hear-- it let me know that at least she understands what I was feeling. But she also said that the way she acts towards guys is just her natural self. She's friendly, and she can't help it if guys take it the wrong way. She definitely can't change how she is because, as she said: "Who else can I be, but myself?" She said she wished that guys could just be friendly back, and not start asking her out, or buying her flowers and such.

 

I understood. But I wanted to talk about it more, for both of us. I know she's going to be around those guys for at least the next year, one of them pretty closely, and I knew I needed to get things settled or else risk another emotional breakdown.

 

I tried to take a very outside perspective so she wouldn't get so defensive so fast, as she usually does. I asked her if she thought that a guy who has a serious girlfriend should act the same around single girls as a guy who is also single. She said no, that he shouldn't act the same.

 

So, obviously, I then asked if she thought that girl who has a serious boyfriend should act the same around single guys as a single girl would act. Again she said "no, she shouldn't."

 

Wha??

 

So I asked her if she thought that a single guy should act differently towards a girl whom he knows has a serious boyfriend than to a single girl he is interested in. She said that he shouldn't act the same-- that he should act differently towards a girl who is "taken" because it's respectful. I asked what it meant or what it "says" about guys who still act aggressive or flirtatious around a girl they know has a serious boyfriend, and she said she didn't know, but maybe that they weren't such good guys to be doing so. That maybe it was disrespectful "or something."

 

So I asked if she wanted to be friends with guys who "weren't so good" or who weren't very respectful towards her. She said these guys were her coworkers and that it was a matter of courtesy to be friends with them-- yes, even if they aren't very respectful or say inappropriate things sometimes, and even if they make her uncomfortable sometimes. That threw me off big time and I got a little upset.

 

Did she know how it felt as a guy to know that other guys were being disrespectful to his girlfriend? She said she didn't really know. I explained that it was like torture. She shook it off.

 

Time went on and we spoke of similar things for hours. While we spoke, she moved closer, then held my hand, and over time we spoke with our arms around each other.

 

There wasn't a conclusion to our talk, but more of a total openness, and I feel like we really understand everything about what happened now. When our talking was over, we seemed at peace, and closer than ever before. For the rest of the night we had beautiful time, and we spent all day Sunday and Monday in absolute bliss. We joked and laughed and said we loved each other hundreds of times.

 

And now I'm home.

 

She's thinking of trying to move in with me while I do what I have to here in NYC because she's happiest when we're together. She also said she's most like "herself" when she's with me. I said I was thinking of ways I could arrange my schedule so that I can see her for longer periods of time in Toronto, maybe one week a month. We also arranged our work schedules so we can spend two full weeks together over Christmas.

 

Things seem to be great now.

 

For all guys out there, here's what I learned from this whole darn thing:

 

1. Asking for anonymous advice in online forums can save your sanity-- highly recommended, and I'll be sticking around to give back to the community that seriously saved me.

 

2. When it comes to your girl and other guys, heed the words of Daligal83: "All feelings are OK, but not all behaviors are OK." Be a man. Suck it up. If you've earned the love of a wonderful girl, keep on earning it, and don't let other guys interfere with it, no matter what they do or say or how they act. Your girl will be true to you if she loves you enough, and that falls on your shoulders. If you can't keep her love and she has to share it with other guys, there's nothing you can do, and that girl isn't the one for you. That falls on her shoulders if you're doing everything you can for her.

 

3. Keep the channels open, and talk it out in person, even if it means flying accross the country.

 

4. When you talk it out, talk with her, not at her. Hold her hand, hug her. Speak from your heart, and she will listen truly.

 

That's all.

 

Thank you all again, and look me up any time in the forum. I'll be around if any of you need to talk about your own situations or whatever. You're a great group, and I won't forget it.

 

Peace.

[caro33]

Excellent news AC, so glad it worked out. It sounds like you both handled this really well. Best of luck to you both.

[Daligal83]

Hey, I'm so happy that things worked out for you!! It really sounds like you guys are on the right track and have a really healthy relationship. I'm glad that this forum could help you