Boyfriend and Porn

[apparentlynotalone]

Hi everyone. This is a really great site with a lot of different opinions considering this issue...one that I am actually trying to cope with as well.

 

However, my problem is somewhat different.

 

My boyfriend also watches porn on a regular basis and it feels on more than a few occasions that we don't have sex because he's already gotten off that day. I am 19 and he's 17. I thought (maybe I'm mistaken) that guys that age would LOVE having sex. We've been going out for almost two years and I wouldn't say that our sex life is boring. My boyfriend is an incredibly honest person, and he's told me that sometimes it feels like routine (which I don't take offense to because it's a reality) but for the most part it feels great because we don't see each other that much.

 

I have found porn on his computer. I wasn't snooping, I just stumbled upon it and it triggered off a inhumane rage in me. I freaked me out . Then I found it a couple more times and soon there was a reoccurring pattern: he didn't have sex with me on the days he already pleased himself. He admitted to me not too long ago that he thought he had a problem being addicted, however, it was NOT a porn addiction; it was a SEX addicition and porn was just made the sexual fantasy better. He told me he was exposed to this at a long age due to the unrestricted boundaries of the internet. When he told me this, I felt a much deeper understanding of him and his addiction and I have tried to cope with it and even tried to help him. He's made me put up firewalls on his computer and administrative passwords so he can't access porn, but he's always found a way to beat these barriers and find a way to porn. He wouldn't tell me when he beat the barriers, partly because, I think, he wanted the presense of porn which really makes me question if he wants to beat this.

 

He told me about his addiction months ago, but he continues to get off to porn alot. I have told him how much it bothers and hurts me and how it completely drains my self-esteem. Even though I go out and guys constantly compliment my attractiveness, HE is the only one I care about and I feel unattractive to him. I feel he's way more turned on about the things he sees on screen rather than in flesh. He told me (and we're not fighting when we talk, we actually embrace each other) that it's a form of procrastination because school really stresses him out and it just happens to effect me. Every time he looks at porn, he feels guilty and like complete crap. When I did confront him again about looking at porn on his computer he freaked out on me and turned the issue against me. Porn disgusts me because I feel that so much of society is infiltrated with thoughts of sex, and porn worsens it. Erotica is different, but porn is...dirty (for lack of a better word). I felt so insulted that he turned the issue against me, that I threatened to break up with him and he was devastated. I know this makes me sound like a complete * * * * *, but I believe that someone in this thread said that actions speak louder than words. (For example, on one special occasion when we planned to have sex and make it special because we hadn't been with each for a while due to school, he got off that day and I was left just standing there completely rejected. He seemed to have wanted the porn more than real sex). I just hate feeling like I need to compete with his hand to be intimate with him.

 

He's admitted his sex obbession to me. He says it's ingrained into his mind and how there's apparently no cure, but only control. He seems willing most of the time to overcome this, but at other times he feels he's so hopeless. I want to help him but when we talk about it, we talk about it for like 30 minutes, and then forget about it (though its still on my mind) and maybe after a week the whole problem arises again. I dont want this issue to be the focus of our lives but its on my mind alot.

 

Has anyone been to counselling, and if so, has it helped alot or a little, or at all? I'm not selfish. I want his life to operate normally without having to feel so bad about himself, and I admit, I want a normal sex life. I dont want either of us to feel like we have to book a date with each other on a day he hasnt jacked off so we can be intimate. It feels so planned.

 

Any words of advice would be nice. Criticisms would be nice too. Thanks ;-)

[melrich]

I don't think you will get any criticism, your feelings are completely understandable.

 

It does sound like your b/f has an addiction of sorts. Addictions can be hard to break, no question but your b/f does not seem to be making much of an effort to break his.

 

Your relationship really cannot continue as is so something has to give and your b/f needs to understand that. He needs to know that you will leave him if this behaviour continues. It is wrong that you are starved of intimacy because he is off with his addiction.

 

Some signs of commitment from him? Well for a start, don't put up firewalls, take his computer away for a few weeks.

[vermilion]

If it was just him watching porn sometimes it wouldn't be a problem- but him choosing porn and then not being able to do it with you later...I'd be completely put off.

 

You're too young for this! Get out! He's basically saying, "I'd prefer jerking off to them than being with you."

[Boughtandpaidfor]

If he has an addiction and he's truly ashamed of it I reckon the more he feels guilty and beats himself up about it the more he's going to do it- it's a vicious cycle.

 

If it is a genuine addiction then these days we think of that as an illness- and it's not his fault- he needs to stop beating himself up first before he can address it so I reckon give him some support and try to take the shame and embarrassment out of it. Then he can face whatever problems with proper communication.

 

Also if you are feeling really bad about the way he is behaving and it is ruining the relationship then let him know it properly- if you have the conversation then a week later he is doing it again, then he thinks that it isnt that important obviously- or he would be trying harder. "can't possibly change" is just a way of thinking, and it needs a kick to change it- but you are not a counselor or his mother- maybe doing what You need to do will be better for both of you.

[thegirl_00]

My boyfriend looks at porn a lot... but hes alwyas able to perform with me so I don't complain. But if your boyfriend is choosing to look at porn instead of having sex with you i would find a real man because it doesn't really seem like hes putting out too much of an effort to kick his addiction.

[apparentlynotalone]

Thanks alot to everyone who said something about this issue. It honestly really helps me alot. Since I put up a password on his computer yesterday and he won't be able to access the internet, I'll confront him when he most likely beats this barrier again. But this time will be different. Guys, he really, truly hates porn. He's cried in front me on more than one occasion because he feels so infected with this disease. He's told me I'm beautiful and he is very attracted to me and he needs me to care about this addiction so I can help him through it. I am going to suggest councelling to him and I am going to support him because he told me he 100% prefers sex with me than with porn.

 

I appreciate everyone's input, and if his behaviour worsens of hurts me even more, I'll have no choice but to leave him, though I deeply care so much about him. I even think that leaving him will make his habit worse, but I can't stand being hurt so much. But for now, I will help him as much as I can because I know this is genuinely ruining him.

 

As for councelling, do couples go together or does the addict go alone? I'm not sure which one would be a better idea.

 

Thanks so much again everyone!

 

Oops, I forgot to say something, lol. I wouldn't mind as much if he were watching porn and sexually intimate with me. It's just, like I said, I hate being rejected for his computer.

[mrs.lady]

My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 months now and he is a great guy except his porn it's all over his computer he downloads videos has over 100 photos of womens * * *'s and it makes me feel that i am not good enough please help!

[apparentlynotalone]

Have you tried confronting him about this? Maybe if you do, he might stop if he realizes it's making you feel this way. Try talking to him about how it makes you feel because that's the only way he'll ever know it's bothering you. I don't think he'll stop on his own.

[justagurl]

Well, I am going (or WAS going) through something very very similar. My b/f (ex as of last night) is addicted to porn. We went 8 months with absolutely NOTHING except him pleasing himself and lying about new porn subscriptions... I'd find out, we'd fight, he'd behave for a month and the whole cycle would start over. He's 37, I'm 32... and reasonably attractive. He is just not into being intimate with me and will selfishly take care of himself and lie about it on top of it all.

 

I too have become enraged... it hurts because he can not even get an erection if it's not porn related. I found old receipts and this has been going on for many, many years. What I have learned about porn addiction is that it is almost impossible to cure - and that's if they WANT to.

 

The lies hurt. The porn hurts. The selfishness hurts. The lack of intimacy hurts and then add on top of all that - the Melissa issue hurts. Just can't do it anymore - I've wasted enough time here - it's time for me to go.

[apparentlynotalone]

Yeah, you're right. They can only change if they want to. I've had this same problem with my boyfriend except we're much younger (18) and he's improving. You say this has been going on for years. Has he shown any signs of guilt and sincere caring of the affect it's having on you? Speaking from personal experience, I know how this can make a woman feel, especially when you know you're attractive to other people.

 

I'm sorry to hear he can't get an erection if it's not porn related because that means he's addicted to a fantasy world and if real flesh no longer turns him on, I believe it's time for you to take care of yourself. I know this hurts because you think to yourself, "It's not that easy to pick up and leave" but please think about the long run. I know I have with my boyfriend.

 

He needs to realize and understand that you have needs, and albeit selfish, you'll find pleasure otherwise, even if it's another man, somewhere else. Although I wouldn't call this selfish because look at him: he's pleasuring himself without any concern for you.

 

Move on and find someone who doesn't abuse you emotionally and physically. You're hot and you know it!

[apparentlynotalone]

The face with the glasses above is meant to be the number eighteen.

[justagurl]

Nope - he'd sit there, hold me as I cry - tell me how he sees how bad this hurts me and that he'll never do it again - and then get up 3 hours later and subscribe to some new website. Or he'd reject me - for me to wake up in the middle of the night and catch him with a porn DVD playing in the living room. The lies kill.

[apparentlynotalone]

Well you said you've broken up with him, right? I think this was the best thing for to to do because it is so hurtful when you catch him in the act, especially since he knows you're in the house. Good for you for leaving him. It takes a lot of strength and willpower to leave someone you love...if you do love him.

 

Maybe he just doesn't realize that hes dug himself into a deep hole and eventually hes going to end up alone with him and his hand since he rejects real people.

[A James Z]

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