Does this sound fishy?

[rocio]

If it's bothering you this much, why don't you go to him and ask for a clear explanation? You shouldn't have to continue your relationship with all this doubt. It can't be healthy for you or the relationship.

[hope123]

Well i really dont know what clear explanation i can ask for..if i see the lip gloss and its mine then case closed..if its not..he can just say---i dont know where it came from.

 

Last nite after getting in car from being out--i said nicely wheres my lip gloss and he just said home...i will feel like if i ask him tonight before he picks me up..oh yeah bring my lip gloss...sounds like too much..

[rocio]

Just be careful that you don't drive him away. If my partner was this suspcious, and I had done nothing wrong, it would raise red flags for me. I would also be hurt.

[hope123]

I remember i lost lip gloss awhile ago--and he just brought it to me automatically..this time he had to ask--oh did you lose it? looks like what you might use...

[Hope75]

Hope,

 

I've noticed that you are very focused on the lip gloss and some of us have brought up some very valid questions and concerns, which you seem to be skipping over entirely and ignoring.

 

and what about the next thing that comes around? and the next thing and the next thing? I suppose you almost want us to say its another girl because it practically sounds like that's what you're thinking and because he's not telling you I bet it makes it even more believable.

 

Oh, ok, then unfortunately I cannot relate because I personally find it way too controlling to believe that your bf (or spouse) should not be platonic friends with women or spend one on one time with them. Given those demands you have placed on him I wouldn't be surprised if the lip gloss belongs to a platonic female friend and he is trying not to upset you even though he's done nothing wrong from an objective standpoint - just from your subjective opinion that requires keeping him on a very short leash. If he did promise not to spend one on one time with a female friend I would feel differently (i.e. whatever a couple agrees upon is no business of anyone else's) but since he doesn't agree I think he is totally justified in not complying with your demands.

 

These things you are doing is a symptom of something deeper- you clearly do not trust him and I don't really undestand why- and why you would want to stay with someone whom you constantly doubt and feel that you have to police to see if he may or may not be seeing someone else.

 

To me, that just seems to make for a miserable existence for you. Who wants to live like that? Are you honestly happy checking up him all the time and wondering, doubting, and questioning?

 

It seems you just keep hammering away at this lip gloss thing, and before that it was his cell phone:

 

 

 

Than it was Yahoo instant messenger:

 

 

 

Here and here you are upset because you feel he doesn't spend enough time with you:

 

 

 

 

Here he apparently tells you he isn't interested in getting married:

 

 

 

Here you talk about being hurt and feeling like he does not love you because he changed his wallpaper on his cellphone to a picture of his dog:

 

 

 

Here you bring up how afraid you are of him cheating on you:

 

 

 

Before that it was him going away to a biker rally:

 

 

 

Honestly Hope, It's pretty obvious that you have zero trust in this guy and it is dripping from all of your posts and I just can't seem to fathom what you are doing with a guy that you clearly do not trust and are constantly checking up on and seem very unhappy with.

 

Am I totally wrong here? Or do your posts speak for themselves?

 

Do you want to talk about it?

[rocio]

Wow. Isn't it special when we get to the point where our whole life is recorded in the archives of this forum?!

 

Seriously, I swear that there's more personal info on me in enotalone than any one of my friends actually knows about me.

 

But back on topic: I agree. There are certainly more important issues here than lip gloss.

[caro33]

Hope75, as you probably know, there's actually a lot more than the threads you've linked. But they certainly speak for themselves.

 

hope123, I ask you again, have you spoken to anyone about this face-to-face?

 

Do you honestly think there is no larger issue here? We had the 'can't see the forest for the trees' discussion a week ago or so, but every time the thread starts to go down that line you stop posting. But then you start a new thread along the lines of 'X happened, is he cheating or am I over-reacting?'.

 

What can we do to help you but to also break this cycle?

[Hope75]

hope123,

 

I certainly don't mean to be attacking you.

 

I just wanted to bring to light all the things about this guy and this relationship that have been bothering you over the last few months. It's alot of stuff and it is why I think there is a much bigger issue here than the lip gloss in your boyfriend's car.

 

We are here for you and we will support you and try to help you in any way that we can- but we need to know what's really going on before we can really help.

 

Do you want to talk about it?

[arwen]

I totally agree with Hope75. I have followed most of your posts, and even if the situations you describe are different, the issue is still the same- you don't trust the guy for one bit.

 

For me there could be two explanations for this lack of trust:

 

1. this is a gut feeling and he can't be trusted

2. this is an irrational fear turning into an obsession, while you in fact have nothing to worry about.

 

In either case, you obsessing over the tiniest details and blowing them out of proportion is not going to help. If anything, it will most likely make him feel smothered and controlled. Why are you with someone that you don't trust? Have you ever trusted a man, were you betrayed in the past?

 

Ilse

[hope123]

I actually thought i improved with the trust thing for a little while..until this happened...and now whenever i post something--everyone just brings up the others posts and it makes me wonder--if i was new and never posted before--would people generally say--this is not really anything to be worried about or i should watch out for more signs.

[arwen]

Would that matter? In fact I think the fact that you did post more than once and the fact that people take time and effort to check your other posts as well to get more background only makes that you get BETTER advice.

 

What is it you want to hear? Yes, you have every reason to be suspicious? Either way it doesn't matter! If you don't trust him, whether that is gut feeling or paranoia, you are not happy in the relationship so why continue?

 

What on earth will make it change? You will ALWAYS find something to wonder about-- because you are (maybe even subconsciously) looking for it.

 

Ilse

[annie24]

hope123 - I wanted to chime in ... have you ever talked to a therapist about some of your anxieties? how is your relationship with your father?

[hope123]

My relationship with my father is fine.

[Hope75]

Would that matter? In fact I think the fact that you did post more than once and the fact that people take time and effort to check your other posts as well to get more background only makes that you get BETTER advice.

 

What is it you want to hear? Yes, you have every reason to be suspicious? Either way it doesn't matter! If you don't trust him, whether that is gut feeling or paranoia, you are not happy in the relationship so why continue?

 

What on earth will make it change? You will ALWAYS find something to wonder about-- because you are (maybe even subconsciously) looking for it.

 

Ilse

 

Ilse is right, hope,

 

If you were *new* and posted about this specific lipstick issue, the answers might be different, or they might be the same. The fact is that this is NOT the only issue that you have had with him, and it really isn't the main issue anymore.

 

You do not trust him. That isn't going to change- unless you figure out what is at the heart of this mistrust- as Ilse said, either he is cheating and you need to address that, or he is not and the issue is something to do with you and you need to address that also. But if you get the answer "you are looking for" with a new, anonymous post, how will that change things? Until next time? And the next time? And 3-4 new usernames and accounts with similar questions and the same theme all looking for validation?

 

It doesn't seem like you are going to be able to be happy, safe, trusting and satisfied with this relationship until you face whatever is REALLY causing all these unhappy posts, and decide what to do with whatever it is that you come up with.

 

You know that we will support you and try to help with whatever it is that you find out (be it about him or about your own issues), but aren't you tired of always living in suspicion? Isn't he tired of always being questioned? Aren't relationships supposed to be trusting and honest and enjoyable? And is this one really?

[annie24]

My relationship with my father is fine.

 

have you talked to a therapist about your insecurities/anxieties?

 

I agree with the others, what this all boils down to is how much you trust your boyfriend and believe in your relationship. That's just the common denominator.

 

I know that in my mother's first marriage, she was cheated on, and his mistress left her lipsticks all over the place. I doubt that my mom's husband noticed all these new lipsticks, but my mom sure did. But does that mean that your bf is cheating? maybe or maybe not. we don't know him, so we can't tell you for sure either way. Like everyone's pointed out, it also could have come from a coworker, friends, neighbor he had to give a ride to. OR.... it could have even come from a male friend who had some of his girlfriend's stuff in his backpack, but the lip gloss fell out. there are so many possibilities, none of us can tell you which is the correct one.

 

maybe he didn't tell you about having to give a neighbor or a coworker a ride because he thought you would flip out. I know that I have kept things from people not because what I was doing was wrong, but because I knew they could be unreasonable when it came to some things, so I just wouldn't even bother to deal with them. I'd just lie about it. Maybe your bf didn't tell you about the ride because he thought you'd take it the wrong way?

[caro33]

hope123, I may have mentioned your other posts in most of my responses, but that's generally after I have addressed your specific issue at hand. I tend to refer to your other posts only after you have taken the issue beyond the original matter, or have dismissed the advice given in a way that indicates you WANT to believe something worse.

 

I have seen most other people do the same.

 

We've also asked you many times, and annie has asked you again in this thread - have you seen a counsellor/therapist? Would you? Do you think this is a bad idea for some reason? It's just that a chat with the right person might help you feel much better about all this.

[annie24]

oh yeah, I have seen a therapist about a lot of my own anxieties and have found it to be immensely helpful.

[hope123]

Hi,

 

no i donot want to see a therapist at this point.

 

I go on with my days a lot of the time not even thinking about these things going on with him. But i feel like---oh maybe i am being naive in not thinking this weird so i post here to get opinions to better form my opinion.

 

And in the past i can say--i think overreacted to some situations with him but anytime a new one comes up..i take it just as seriously...like this lip gloss thing--i bet if this was my first time posting--i probably would have a lot more..it could be weird..just b/c i have posted about other situations doesnt mean this one should be taken as oh its just me being insecure..a lot of people could find this odd...but maybe it is innocent and i really over am overthinking how he is trying to cover his tracks..

 

Anyway--i have a question..if you were placed in this situation...would you ask for the lip gloss a week later if by the house and he had to go in for something? Would you casually say oh bring me my lip gloss?

I know myself--if he said he can't find it...i will be thinking hmmm..and i think it wouldn't matter if it was him or someone else.

[rocio]

Anyway--i have a question..if you were placed in this situation...would you ask for the lip gloss a week later if by the house and he had to go in for something? Would you casually say oh bring me my lip gloss?

I know myself--if he said he can't find it...i will be thinking hmmm..and i think it wouldn't matter if it was him or someone else.

 

I know you weren't asking this to me. But honestly, if I were placed in your situation, I would have likely completely forgotten about the lip gloss by the next day. Because I wouldn't be with a guy if I didn't trust him, and because a new bottle of lip gloss is only a few bucks.

[annie24]

when I think back to my last few boyfriends, I had complete trust in them. if they told me about the lip gloss, I'd not worry about it. I might ask for it back the next time I was in his car, because I like my lip glosses. And even if it was another woman's, I've trusted my most recent boyfriends enough to know that the lip gloss did not come from a woman he was cheating on me with.

 

well... you are asking us if this sounds fishy... even if it was your first time posting, our first question would be... "Do you trust your boyfriend?" because if you don't trust him, don't be with him. If you do trust him, then you know there is nothing to worry about.

 

so, either your boyfriend has given you some very good reasons to be worried, or you have a lot of anxieties that are the byproduct of your over-active imagination....

 

so which is it?

[caro33]

Yes, if it was JUST about lip gloss I would have forgotten about it or bugged him only because I want my lip gloss back. I would just as likely go buy another if I missed it, because I would assume it had disappeared into the ether the first occasion he said he couldn't find it.

 

hope123, it's interesting, because I think the situation is actually the complete opposite of what you presume re our responses to you on ENA. On every occasion you have asked 'is this thing an issue or am I overreacting' almost every single person has told you you are overreacting. But you then argue with people, or push harder for some kind of support for a view he must be untrustworthy. It is that history of yours, as well as the many posts about what look to be non-issues (sorry, but it's true) that make the rest of us, or at least me, think 'what else is going on here?'

 

If you posted under a different name every time you would get the same responses from people re the over-reacting, and you'd get all those same questions from people about what else has he done to make you doubt him, what sort of person is he etc. Anyway, you have done that already and it was clear you were the same person - doesn't that tell you that the issue is perhaps more about your perception and how you present yourself to us than perhaps our unwillingness to see any one question in isolation?

 

Go back over your posts, read them now there's some distance - are you so sure that you are handling this the right way? The impression you are leaving on this forum is of someone who needs to look deep inside herself and work out how to trust her boyfriend and be happy. That's pretty much it.

[hope123]

Just wanted to fill you guys in on a little something.

 

I have not brought up the lip gloss---was tempted to when we reached his house and needed to go get something but i didn't. We had a good night together and when we were at a store to get some things I took out my lip gloss to put some on randomly and then he mentions i keep forgetting to bring it to you. In a way--i am still curious and want to see the lip gloss..i think that is just the way i am when it comes to certain situations. It like makes me feel reassured. But in another way i thought--he brought this up again willingly without me mentioning it or asking or anything. It just kind of makes me think--why would someone bring it up again if they knew or thought it might have belonged to someone else who he shouldn't have been with.

[annie24]

so, either your boyfriend has given you some very good reasons to be worried, or you have a lot of anxieties that are the byproduct of your over-active imagination....

 

so which is it?

 

................?