He's just not that into me, right?

[blondebombshelter]

It's so obvious, I just need someone to TELL me! GIVE UP!!! This guy I keep on posting about is giving me so many mixed messages it's driving me nuts. He's not that interested, it's staring me in the face, and yet... and yet...

 

I guess you could call it a long distance pre-relationship because I don't want to be too involved yet. What I'm really trying to figure out is if this guy has potential and is seriously interested or whether he's Mr Enigma and always will be, no matter how fabulous the girl is. (And I am!! And modest, too.)

 

He stopped calling me for nearly two weeks because I cancelled on him, or so he thinks. After that, all week he was calling 2 or 3 times a day. So maybe he IS interested, right?

 

I will be in his city this weekend. On Tuesday when he called I told him I probably would, but I wasn't sure yet, so don't stop making any other plans. So then I didn't hear from him Wednesday or Thursday. (That's another thing he does, says 'I'll call you tomorrow' and then doesn't.)

 

This morning (Friday) I left a message on messagebank saying I would be in town, and give me a call back. No answer. He sometimes misses calls, because he IS busy during the day, so I called again late that afternoon and got message bank again.

 

I would lay money on it that I won't hear from him at all over the weekend, then I will hear from him next Tuesday or something, sprouting a load of horse manure about how he didn't listen to his message bank till it was too late, and he was busy, blah blah.

 

If he's not interested, "boo hoo", I can deal with it. But why continue to call? This has been on for almost two years. He seems content to continue this half baked thing, maintaining this fluctuating but steady interest in me. Why??

 

Is it possible he's deliberately holding himself off so he doesn't seem too eager? Do men do that? Or he's annoyed because I"m not making him this big priority? I never come up specifically to see him. Or he has a girlfriend, but wants to keep me in the picture?

 

If anyone has clayrvoyant abilities and know the answer, please... fill me in.

[Siriana]

Well sounds like he's not even thinking about you as potential gf - more as a casual friend? I say casual because he woan't make time to see you when you're in his town.

Why bothering over someone who lives in different city and behaving in a semi friendly way?

I guess you are still agonizing over this because you're still in contact with him - If you think that this is the truth cut off the contact and you will stop thinking about him.

 

P.S. Holiding himself off? I really don't think so - if he did that for 2 years he would be psycho and I don't think dating such guy even if he changes his mind would be a jack pot

[blondebombshelter]

You're right! I think I really just need to let it go until I'm ready to get involved properly. I don't want to right now because my child is still young and my divorce is taking forever, I just don't want a relationship right now.

 

It will be hard to end it though, as there's nothing really to end, and he's the one maintaining contact. I would have to just ignore his phonecalls, which I find hard to do...

 

It's just intriguing me, is all, I guess. I do like him, but not if he isn't serious about me.

[RayKay]

No clairvoyancy talents here but....I would say if he makes it a habit to not contact you when he knows you are in town, and does not make plans ahead of time for when you are - yeah, it's really a waste of your time. There is a difference between keeping things a bit mysterious and just giving you the cold shoulder.

 

He may be doing it for whatever reason, but whatever the reason, I would just say it is not showing enough on his side. Might not be a bad thing right now anyway if you aren't really ready and are still going through your divorce to lay low and take some time for yourself, and your child, right now anyway until things are a little more settled and you are feeling stronger, and ready to get out there You might even want to try joining a Parents without Partners group too, where you have social activities with other parents going through divorce, seperation and so forth for the kids and the adults. You never know either...my mother and stepfather met at the local group here 21 years ago now and have been together ever since

[rmpavlock]

Yeah...I wouldn't waste more time on this guy. Go find someone who will call and make plans with you ahead of time.

[MetallicAguy]

Maybe he didn't call for 2 weeks because he thought your cancel meant disinterest, he could have thought that. He could lack motivation because you live so far away. Things like this are why I don't believe LDR's to work out. Communication's a big part of a relationship, but non-verbal communication overwhelms the over the phone stuff for sure.

 

He could be lacking interest just because he hasn't seen you for a long time. He doesn't feel motivated to try because you live out of state, and he's probably thinking "I get to see her for a short duration, then she has to leave and it'll be back to the same ol' ". So he's thinking "what's the point in this?"

 

I say give up on him.

[blondebombshelter]

I hear what you're saying, I know I have to cut this guy loose. It's so hard though - I've never experienced this game playing before. I swear he's just deliberately doing this, I have no idea why.

 

He actually did call that Friday immediately after I posted that first message. We arranged a date for the next day, Saturday. On Saturday he rang and said he was too sick to make it!!

 

To be fair, he has been complaining of the flu all week, and he did sound sick. So... the jury's out on that one. Maybe he was sick. But really, if he was at all interested, wouldn't he pop a pill and turn up?? He said he didn't want me to get the wrong idea because he knows what I'm like, and that he really does want to see me.

 

Anyway, I just said get well soon and left it at that, and decided to just be done with him then and there.

 

So... he rang that evening, I didn't pick up. Then he rang twice the following day, and I still didn't pick up. When he rang the third time, my resolve faltered, and I answered. The calls were all within 20-30 mins of each other. And the story is still how sick he is, and when we can we see each other next? He also called later on that evening, but I missed the call.

 

The thing is, I really do like him, but I'm certainly not going to persist with someone who's not interested. What gets me is the conflicting messages. Why break a date, then call persistently the next day?

 

It's true there's not a lot I'm able to offer right now because of my situation and the long distance thing (however we're only 2 hours apart). I have had sex with him once about 4 months ago. He knows I will again if the situation is right, I've also made it clear that the sex places us under no obligation and we're only doing it because the attraction is so strong, we're adults (we're both in our 30s). The sex means a lot to me because we waited so long and I know he's not just a player wanting to score. Also there's only about 1 in a 1000 men I would actually want to have sex with.

 

Still waiting for the clairvoyant to give me the answer on what to do!

[Batya33]

No mixed messages here. He is clearly unreliable and clearly willing to see you when it is convenient for him only. You are the one who is being vague because you play games pretending that you will cut him loose but then continuing to take his calls. You are choosing to continue being in contact with him. If it were me, after two episodes of unreliability he would have been history (that is, with no true emergency).

 

As far as the sex, not sure what relevance it is that the two of you are "adults" - do you mean that just because you are a certain age you should have no boundaries when it comes to sex? Sounds to me like you are not taking the most mature approach here because although you are claiming that it's just sex and just based on physical attraction it sounds like you have wayy more invested in this person than just sex. I hope you decide to be honest with yourself and figure out what you're worth before making any decisions.

[RayKay]

I think if he is sick, he is allowed a raincheck! I would not want to show up on a date with the flu either - because first of all I would feel like crap (pills don't do much for a bad flu), second I would not want to get THEM sick, and last no one would have a very good time! I don't think that breaking a date for illness, and calling the next day to reschedule is "mixed messages". That in itself for me is not something that says "not into me".

 

However, coupled with his lack of making plans and general inability to converse with you in general the other times for me is enough to say maybe he just is not that into you.....the illness thing we all get a freebie for. General lack of commitment is another matter.

 

But, I wonder how much HIS "mixed messages" are a reaction to your OWN mixed messages and statements about not being sure, it almost seems to be honest a bit hyprocritical to call him on cancelling for illness, when you did cancel on him before, or to wonder about him not calling when you don't take his calls when he does...know what I mean? Maybe some of his action is a reaction to your own behaviours?

[blondebombshelter]

although you are claiming that it's just sex and just based on physical attraction it sounds like you have wayy more invested in this person than just sex

My attitude about sex in this situation is different to what it would be normally. I would normally not have sex unless I was sure the guy was serious and exclusive. I don't want a serious relationship yet, however I did choose to act on the attraction, after roughly 12 months of this. I don't see it as purely a sexual thing, I suppose I see it as a potential serious relationship. I got involved with this guy without intending to, it has sort of grown over time.

 

I can see what you're saying RAyKay, a lot of the confusion and mixed messages are coming from me as much as anywhere. And he could be reacting to my actions.

 

I'm just not sure what to do. As I've demonstrated, I don't have the steely willpower it requires to just not answer the calls, I can only do it for so long.

 

The thing is, I do really like him, I would like to give it a chance to be serious in the future. However unless he has real feelings for me, I'm obviously not going to pursue it any further.

 

I really need to discuss it with him and resolve it or just scare him off for good. What should I say though?

[Batya33]

No discussions. Just say, in ten words or less, "I am interested in dating you to see if we should be in a serious relationship. From your actions in the past few weeks/months you do not seem to be interested in that. Am I correct?

[blondebombshelter]

Thankyou... funny how it's so simple when you put it like that.

 

Oh well, I can only try.