Not sure how to ask girls out

[sirhcorg]

Hi. I am in college and I am friends with many girls but I dont know how to make it into more. Most of the girls are in the greek system and some tend to date guys in the greek system, which I am not. Also, I know they like me but I dont know in what way. I dont want to risk the friendship turning into something weird if they didn't have that intention.

[sidehop]

The best thing to do is just get to know them as friends first. Don't think of them as 'potential partner'. You're young, you know some of them like you, be friendly, so just ask one of the girls during lunch if they want to come with you. If the girl is truly interested, you'll know If not, what do you have to lose? She'll just think you were being a good friend!

 

And don't see them as 'just because' you're not in a Greek system. Just be yourself

[forza2]

That Greek system thing is BS.

[coooolsome]

Best thing to do, is ask her out to dinner or to get some coffee. Don't tell her how much you like her or how long you have been waiting to ask her out. Those kind of remarks make a friendship awkward. Going on a date doesnt ruin a friendship. Expressing all those feelings you have will ruin a friendship because it automatically puts pressure on the other person. Just play it cool and have fun.

[atraceofblood]

The best thing to do is just get to know them as friends first. Don't think of them as 'potential partner'. You're young, you know some of them like you, be friendly, so just ask one of the girls during lunch if they want to come with you. If the girl is truly interested, you'll know If not, what do you have to lose? She'll just think you were being a good friend!

 

And don't see them as 'just because' you're not in a Greek system. Just be yourself

 

how does being friends first work? I've heard people say not to be friends, but I also hear others say to start as friends. So what's the right way to do these things? haha

[Kevin T]

I've never heard of a successful couple who ever started off as merely platonic friends and nothing more. I retain my skepticism about it.

[sidehop]

how does being friends first work? I've heard people say not to be friends, but I also hear others say to start as friends. So what's the right way to do these things? haha

 

Friends first. Besides, if anything happens chances are you won't have that weird feeling between the two if two people want to remain as friends. Girls tend to look for that first also.

[atraceofblood]

Friends first. Besides, if anything happens chances are you won't have that weird feeling between the two if two people want to remain as friends. Girls tend to look for that first also.

 

have you ever had a relationship where you first started as friends?

[Dating Coach]

Hi. I am in college and I am friends with many girls but I dont know how to make it into more. Most of the girls are in the greek system and some tend to date guys in the greek system, which I am not. Also, I know they like me but I dont know in what way. I dont want to risk the friendship turning into something weird if they didn't have that intention.

 

 

Of course you don't know that they like you in a romantic way because you've never asked them out. I can tell you with tons of experience that if you sit there and are not proactive in setting up dates then you will never know if a girl views you as "boyfriend material". No matter how many "signs" you send out that you are interested, no matter how much you "hang out as friends", no matter how many times you fill the role of the "emotional tampon", no matter how many favors you do, you will not find out where you stand. The only way to do this would be to suck it up and ask a girl out on a date.

 

The good news is that it is not near as bad as you think. You don't-NOR SHOULD YOU!-tell a girl how much you like her, or even that you like her romantically at all. This comes without saying it when you ask them out on a date. If you are asking them out on a date, you're saying all that you need to and they know that you are interested in more than friendship.

 

You should do this ASAP with girls you meet. The worst time to do this is when you've waited for months on end, because by that time you've allowed yourself to become far too attached to someone without even knowing whether or not they are interested in you back. That is what makes it hurt because you messed up and let yourself get too involved without even doing anything. Of course it will hurt to be rejected when you do this-especially when she has known ever since the first few times she met you whether or not she'd date you. If her answer has been there all along and you never bothered to find out then you're not only making it hurt more but you've been wasting time. Ask a girl out within the first few meetings for a date. Make sure it's just the two of you and it is a clear date... out to dinner, out for a walk in the park, miniature golfing, etc.

 

Start doing this quicker and start asking for dates and success will come to you. You shouldn't need to know her answer before you ask... because in the end you won't know anyway so save yourself the attachment and the heartache and find out quickly.

[Dating Coach]

The best thing to do is just get to know them as friends first.

 

 

With all due respect I completely disagree. As I explained, girls decide pretty quickly whether or not they'd be interested in going on a date with you. Usually within 1-5 meetings. It is during this time which is the BEST time to ask a girl out on a date. The whole point of dating isn't to jump into a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario, it's to get to know each other as potential partners. It's an acknowledgement of possible attraction and it's an honest step forward in that direction.

 

If you see a girl and she's cute and you feel that there might be something there then ask her for her number and go out on a date. If you do not do this with that girl and instead choose to play the role of the "friend" then you aren't being honest because she has no idea that you are getting to know her because you have an interest. Sneaky. Plus, she will start to see you as a guy who just wants to be friends and eventually that's the role you will fill in her mind. You see this failure all of the time on these forums. Some guys have spent years even... sitting there filling the role of the "friend" when they want more. It hurts because you grow way too attached without ever knowing if she would return those feelings, plus you waste time under a false pretense.

 

As I said, you don't have to tell a girl you like her, but if you ask her out on a date then you show that you have confidence enough to do so, you find out early on whether or not she is interested so you avoid wasting months or years pursuing something that may have never had a chance, etc. Be proactive and go for your goals, don't sit there and wait for something to happen. You could be waiting a long time like I did and like so many other guys on these forums do all of the time.

 

Friends first. Besides, if anything happens chances are you won't have that weird feeling between the two if two people want to remain as friends. Girls tend to look for that first also.

 

Askign a girl out that you've only recently met isn't 1/10th as awkward as having to break it to a long time friend that the entire time you've known her you've been wanting to date her. Not for you and not for her. Not even close.

 

Plus, I don't know where you are getting it that a girl wants to be best pals with you before wanting to go out with you. I don't know many women who would say that, but even those that do I still don't buy it. I pay attention to actions and trends above words. The actions most women have towards this completely favor a gentleman she recently met who has the confidence to ask her out on a date over the guy who snuck in closer to her under the disguise of being "just friends" when he's really been wanting more the entire time.

[Dating Coach]

Best thing to do, is ask her out to dinner or to get some coffee. Don't tell her how much you like her or how long you have been waiting to ask her out. Those kind of remarks make a friendship awkward. Going on a date doesnt ruin a friendship. Expressing all those feelings you have will ruin a friendship because it automatically puts pressure on the other person. Just play it cool and have fun.

 

Well said my friend.

[Don_Eduardo]

Hi, I'm in a similar situation. Okay let me break it down. I met a girl at university like 1 + 1/2 years ago and we've been good friends since then.

 

The thing is, I've always been kind of attracted to her but I've never told her this! I mean, I've had girls as friends before, but I must admit I have feelings for this girl who's become a good friend of mine. With girls I've had as mates before (and other girls I currently have as mates), I've never had anything like these kinds of feelings!

 

However, I've never had a girlfriend before and just don't know where to put these feelings, and maybe because of that her friendship has easily been the best I've had with a girl (the other girls I've had and have as mates I just haven't felt attracted to for whatever reason).

 

I'm confused after reading these posts! I'm not sure if I like her as more-than-a-friend or as just-a-friend, most likely because of the relative lack of experience with the opposite sex. I can't tell her because I just couldn't face the possibility of losing her as a friend, as she is a very unique individual. She has offered me a great deal of moral and emotional support through some tough patches, and I think it's because of this that has made me feel so much more attached to her than with other girls I've known.

 

On the one hand, she'd be the only girl I've ever known that I can actually visualize having a relationship with because I get on so well with her, I'm quite similar intellectually and personality-wise to her, I'm fully comfortable in her company like I've known her for way longer than I actually have (something I have with very, very few other people), there's no uncomfortable silences when we're in each other's company, we both always have something interesting to talk about, we have mutual respect for each other, we're emotionally compatible, she makes me laugh with her wicked sense of humour, she is very charming and pretty, she makes me feel good, etc.

 

On the other hand, whenever I'm actually in her presense, I don't think of her in romantic terms AT ALL! (I don't get the chance really, as she's such a chatterbox!) What I do do is that I fully act myself like I'm in the company of a very close friend or family member. I'm not shy around her AT ALL (like as in if I thought of her in a romantic/sexual sense). What's more she doesn't flirt with me or anything like that (although it is kind of hard to tell, because she is naturally charming and smiling and is a master of the art of giving compliments), she never touches me (although I never touch her either, I'm real sensitve to other people touching me), plus she always finds an opportunity to tease me in a good-natured way (I don't with her because I find doing it naturally in well-intentioned way is nigh on impossible; I don't want to upset her as she is very egotistical and bossy!)

 

I'm just confused because I do have a lot of feelings toward her and can imagine these feelings acting either as the basis for a loving and intimate relationship or a solid, life-long friendship. The problem is are these mutually exclusive in our case? Because the impressions I get from her is that she just wants to be friends, albeit good life-long friends. And I want to have the same thing too, which is absolutely magnificent, but there always pops up time and again that niggling doubt at the back of my mind "maybe this could be more?". She's single too (and never had a boyfriend, even though she is a similar age to me), but it's just that if she does get a boyfriend, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be quite jealous (although, only because of what I presume I won't possess myself: a loving and intimate and sexual partner).

 

Please help, should I tell her my feelings and risk losing her friendship, and so move on (whether with her as her boyfriend or as one of her friends, or the worst case scenario: without her company at all)? Or should I let things stay the way they are, pure and unadulterated and blissful?

 

Thanks.

[Dating Coach]

Please help, should I tell her my feelings and risk losing her friendship, and so move on (whether with her as her boyfriend or as one of her friends, or the worst case scenario: without her company at all)? Or should I let things stay the way they are, pure and unadulterated and blissful?

 

Don, have you read my other posts on this very thread? I stated very clearly that you never confess your feelings, ever. Confessing your feelings and putting it all out on the table is the worst thing you could do. You would be creating way too much drama with your confession. Confessions should be saved for your priest. Confessing your feelings basically tells her that you are 100% goo goo ga ga over her and you just can't take it anymore. That's a lot of drama to be throwing at her all of the sudden, especially when all signs show that she view you as just friends. Not only that but it reaks of self doubt and low self confidence. Why didn't you say something before? How long have you been disguising the truth behind the lie of having purely friend feelings? Plus, all sense of challenge is thrown out the window. There is no fun, there is no joint effort to build a relationship... you're basically saying, "Here I am, take me as a partner please!" and that's just plain BORING. Never confess.

 

If you are interested in being more than friends then instead of talking about it, start doing something. Tell her that she's always been a cool person and you thought that you'd like to go out on a real date just to see if perhaps there is more there between you. If she says no or does a dodge of the question then you can easily backpeddle out and say, "Yeah you're probably right, it would be like dating my sister... ha ha!" and then forget you ever brought it up. This way you've not thrown that heavy bag over the friendship. She doesn't know that you're every though is filled with her. This way you get your answer without spilling your guts and causing drama.

 

Personally, based upon your description, I see you two as "just friends". 99 out of 100 of guys in this situation are friendzoned.

[Don_Eduardo]

Actually, yeah as time goes by the friends option becomes more and more natural. It WOULD be like dating my sister, so yeah I'm happy with being friends. Earlier on (like last year), no I was way too scared 2 ask her out! Actually I do remember her putting on the table quite early on in our friendship that she 'doesn't date', so this is a pretty good indication, is it not!!? And as far as I know she still doesn't date, like she said to me recently she simply wants to wait for 'the right guy to come along', so I could take that as a hint that I'm not the 'right guy'. Yeah by all accounts and indications and impressions she gives off she's a friend, which is great, I like having her as a friend.

[Dating Coach]

Actually I do remember her putting on the table quite early on in our friendship that she 'doesn't date', so this is a pretty good indication, is it not!!? And as far as I know she still doesn't date, like she said to me recently she simply wants to wait for 'the right guy to come along', so I could take that as a hint that I'm not the 'right guy'.

 

If the right guy came along, she'd date. She told you that likely to keep you from going that direction. That'd be my guess. As far as "I don't date", that's a load of bull. There is no way she can say that if Mr. Right came along and asked her out that she'd pass him by because she's too stubborn to go out for dinner or something.

[Don_Eduardo]

About that 'right guy' hmmm. I'd be pretty envious if this dude came along alright, even tho she's just a friend. Actually there's lots of things about her that I'm envious of so it's probly more in line with that. These aren't even to do with dating, but more along the lines of having her life sorted out, having good people skills, having loads of hobbies she enjoys, having heaps of friends, good job prospects, etc. You get the picture.

 

Her getting the 'right guy' would just be yet another addition to a long list of things she has that I don't currently have but wish to have (although for me it'd be the 'right girl' lol). Soon I won't be able to handle being even just her friend anymore cos she'd end up being a painful reminder of all the things I want but can't have. I.e it would be VERY hard for me to be around her when she's happily married, got kids, got a great job, owns a house in a rich suburb, has two cars and lots of nice furniture and trappings, etc. Cos for me it seems like that stuff's never going to happen, basically due to my shy nature and lack of confidence and people skills. It's like she's got it all going for her, and I've got nothing and that just makes me feel real angry and depressed at the way things have turned out. So if it's her that sets that off in me, I'm just going to have to cope being fully alone again, because no hope = no fear.

[Dating Coach]

Take that anger and use it to fuel your will to improve where you can. This goes with everything in life. You can't just be content.

 

Look at Michael Jordan. He was a stud college player but he wasn't the best. He wasn't the first draft pick or even close. Unlike all of the other players who stopped trying to improve and became content with where they were, Michael Jordan kept busting his tail to work on improving his game, despite already being in the NBA.

 

You can succeed, it's just a matter of how much you are willing to work.

[Taomagicdragon]

Using anger to find love.. Choose your wording more carefully as I tihnk you mean determination or resolve not anger.

 

Also what if you are friends with someone of the opposite gender then through time develop feelings. Do you ask your friend out automatically upon the discovery of such feelings? Your friend will inquire on the change of behaviour... is that when you lie (a half-truth is a full-lie) or tell her what's on your mind in an honest and open way?

 

All relationships require open communication and if soemthing you say break the friendship then it wasn't a real friendship to begin with (sme goes for marriage and all other ofrms of relationship (barring things like betrayal where telling it will cause damage but even then it's better than hiding it).

 

Also if you're one who wears their heart on their sleeves then hiding a feeling or playing it down is against who you truly are. If telling someone outright is in your nature than do it regardless of what anyone says. Being open about who you are and being true to that is what needs to be done.

[Dating Coach]

Using anger to find love.. Choose your wording more carefully as I tihnk you mean determination or resolve not anger.

 

in reference to...

 

Take that anger and use it to fuel your will to improve where you can.

 

Actually I think I worded it fine. You put it together as "Using anger to find love" not me. The OP said he is angry, and I merely advised him to "take that anger and use it to fuel your will to improve" I worded it fine.

 

Also what if you are friends with someone of the opposite gender then through time develop feelings. Do you ask your friend out automatically upon the discovery of such feelings?

 

This is a different scenario and it is very rare by comparison. IMO and backed by the research discussed in another thread about the "Love Shy Male" the shy guys usually have a high emphasis on physical beauty, which in turn is why most of these guys do in fact feel an attraction before becoming "friends". It is much much much more rare-but does happen-for the shy guy to have nothing but "friend" intentions to start with only to become attracted down the road. This is a different scenario entirely. It is also more likely to work out than the more common scenario, but despite that both still have a low success rate.

 

In such a situation it's still not best to confess your feelings. When you do that you basically tell them that you can't be friends anymore, even if you don't want to say that, nor if you believe it or not. That's what you're communicating to her. She's always going to remember that you want her and everything extra you do for her will remind her of that.

 

Instead I'd still advise that you casually mention one day that you both get along really well and you just thought that maybe you both could go out on a real date to see if perhaps there is more. That way you're not letting her in on how bad you may have it for her. It looks like it's more of a recent idea, so if she's not interested you could in turn agree with her that it was probably a silly idea. No harm, no foul.

 

Your friend will inquire on the change of behaviour... is that when you lie (a half-truth is a full-lie) or tell her what's on your mind in an honest and open way?

 

If you do it in the way I suggested I don't think she's going to inquire so much in the change in your behavior because there wasn't a change in your behavior. You simply put forth an idea. If you'd prefer to spill your guts and take a big risk at damaging the friendship then by all means, do it that way. I've actually done that a few times in my younger years and it was too much of a strain on the friendship and it eventually fell apart.

 

All relationships require open communication and if soemthing you say break the friendship then it wasn't a real friendship to begin with.

 

Again, if you want to risk it, then do it. I'm not going to argue with you to take precaution and not tell her everything in your head. If you want to be an open book where you wear your heart on your sleeve then by all means do it. Not doing so doesn't make you a liar. If that were true then you're a liar for not telling everyone you don't like what you don't like about them. You're a liar for not telling the truth in all situations, such as if a friend asks if they look fat. I think you are really nitpicking here.

 

Also if you're one who wears their heart on their sleeves then hiding a feeling or playing it down is against who you truly are. If telling someone outright is in your nature than do it regardless of what anyone says. Being open about who you are and being true to that is what needs to be done.

 

Once again, you are overanalyzing to the extreme. It appears you've made up your mind already, and that's fine. Do it how you want to. I guarantee that you hide many thouoghts and feelings all of the time. Nitpicking about not spilling your guts to someone when you could cause all sorts of drama and also decrease your chances of success by throwing yourself at someone like that seems a bit much to me. That's quite a load of drama to slam on your unsuspecting friend. Personally, I'd prefer to play it safe if I were in this situation. But I would never be in this situation again. I'm honest from the start about where I stand with a girl.

[charley]

I haven't dated for a long time, but when I last did...

 

I had one gal friend who turned into my favorite GF ever. However, in hindsight, it is very unusual for a friend to later turn into a GF, in my limited experience.

 

Of all the women I've ever asked out, about half were my friends first. The other half not. The friends all turned me down. My track record for successfully asking out friends is zero successes ever.

 

On the other hand, of the gals I asked out who were not my friends first, about half of them accepted and went out with me. So it seems to me that odds are much better if you don't get friended first.

 

On the other hand, if I think of the gals who asked me out. Hey, it's happened. Most were not my friends first. Here gain, being friends first is not usually helpful. However, there is one exception. My favorite GF ever was my best friend and she asked me out. So it can happen.

 

I'm talking ancient history here since I haven't dated recently. But the experience and lessons still count. If I want a gal romantically, I don't want to get friended first because I think it greatly reduces my chances of ever getting a date.

 

However, I have had several dates and a short term GF who later turned into friends. So apparently getting friended is my specialty.

 

I don't think that being friends first is a good strategy for dating, unless you just want to be friends and only friends. Once friended, you'll likely stay friended forever. However, if a good, close friend does turn into a GF, it can be wonderful, as it was for me. So in the end, who knows what's best?

 

If you really want to ask out your lady friend, I'd suggest just doing exactly with her what my best friend did with me years ago when she asked me out. She said, "I'm attracted to you. I'd like to date you. Do you have those feelings for me? Could you have those feelings for me?" I told her the truth, which was that I was not sure and needed to think. She told me to think about it overnight, or longer if necessary. I dreamed of her all that night and the next day I knew I wanted her that way. I think I already knew I wanted her, but I needed a day and a night to digest the fact that she felt that way about me. The next day I told her I did want to date her. This worked because she didn't tell me to much information. She only told me what I needed to know and nothing more. i.e. - she didn't freak me out. Then she patiently gave me time to think and adjust. She was prepared to just remain friends if I wanted to. She was 36 and I was 23. I think her emotional maturity and patience is a big part of why it worked.

 

Are you prepared to tell your friend only what little she needs to know and nothing more so you don't pressure her or freak her out? Are you prepared to wait a day or two or three while she thinks? Are you prepared to gracefully accept it if she wants to remain just friends? If so, then use the example of how my friend asked me out and try it.

 

If the Greek system ladies aren't working for you, try some ladies who are not part of that system. If necessary, go looking off campus for a woman. Then that Greek baloney won't matter. FYI - you'd think that college girls would be emotionally mature since they are supposedly smart. However, I've found working women to be more mature and stable, even if they are the same age as college gals. Why? Maybe because college is a meat market and the gals there have so many guys to choose from and you have so much competition at college. Working gals don't have as many guys to choose from. That's why I'd usually prefer a working gal (with or without a degree) over a college student gal. Think about it. That's one reason I love my job besides the actual work. 90% of the employees and half the management are women from 18 to 60. Not many guys here and no other GQ guys besides me. The odds are good and the goods are good. If you're looking for a gal at a college or university, you've got a lot of stiff competition everywhere she looks. Can you find another place to find a GF? Someplace with less competition and better odds?