Moments of clarity keep coming--what do you think?

[DivineWine]

I was typing up an email to someone who responded to my post from yesterday and after I had gone on waaaay too long, I realized the last few paragraphs might just contain some essential things you probably only learn by processing the seemingly never-ending regrets after a broken relationship. What does everyone out there think about where my mind has taken me today? Here is what I ended up writing:

 

I realize now something that has always been in the back of my mind about my ex. A friend said to me the other day, "He's a good guy, but the boy just doesn't get it." He never really understood the essense of what was missing and what you need to be capable of before you are ready to be a husband—much less live together happily.

 

You have to be capable of unconditional acceptance and an unselfish willingness to be there for the other person when they really need you.

 

I'm realizing there are levels of naivete and immaturity even among otherwise well-adjusted 30 yr olds who are otherwise great guys. It's just harder to identify this immaturity when you have all the other marks of adulthood—a good job that pays the bills, the ability to take care of yourself, friends who aren't just your drinking buddies. My ex assumed if he was in a long-term relationship at the age of 30, that MUST mean he's ready for love and marriage.

 

What he didn't understand, and what I'm only now realizing is that falling in and staying in love is as much about who YOU are, what you've learned in life and what you're ready for as it is about finding "The One." I bet you can fall in love and still have it get all screwed up if any of these things are out of whack. Are these just the ramblings of someone on the rebound or am I onto something?

 

He was casting about for advice from everyone. The guys at work had him freaked out that we had not continued to live together way back when (by necessity for him, the plan was always for it to be temporary). I think his parents (who really liked me) were, in their gentle way, saying, "She's a great girl, so why aren't you two married yet?" When we finally broke up, he said that his best friend was of the opinion that we should break it off. He has this rotten tendency to take everyone's opinions and advice about some of the biggest aspects of his life, and view these well-intentioned opinions and advice as kernels of wisdom. Down the road, I might come to undnerstand that this was still for the best, but it bugs me how much less input I had into my relationship than just about everyone else.

 

What he doesn't get is that, in the end, the wisest advice in the world about your life's biggest decisions often has to come from the person who should know you best—yourself—and if you don't have the answers, you might just need to get to know yourself a little better before you can find them. Am I right or am I totally losing it?

 

I'm interested to know what you guys who have been there think.

[shikashika]

yeah in regards to the part i've bolded, when my ex broke up with me his answers all said something like "well, my brother went through a bad breakup and in his breakup they had an argument and we had an argument once... so..."

 

 

and he also said" well the friends of mine who got married said they 'just knew' after 2 moths... and at 2 months i didn't know kf you were the right one'

 

his mum was egging him to meet me... it seemed like anytime he had to give his opinion, he said "well my friends say this... or my sistersays that..." i don't know what HE wants!!!

 

anyway my guy did all these things.. its so frustrating..

[steadyhand]

DivineWine, I completely agree and couldn't have said it better (all of it!).

 

Makes me wonder if your ex will ever be capable of unconditional love if he is taking the advice of others. My ex couldn't verbalize his reasons for wanting to breakup yet has no problem telling me how wonderful I am. I honestly belief he didn't completely understand what he was feeling. I imagine it's easier to give up or listen to others when you don't know what you want or how to make things better.

 

The good news - there are plenty of people out there that do know what they want/like/love and are willing to work for it! That's what you should be holding out for, and it sure seems like you have a great head on your shoulders and are headed in the right direction.

[waslovinghusband]

You have to be capable of unconditional acceptance and an unselfish willingness to be there for the other person when they really need you.

 

I'm realizing there are levels of naivete and immaturity even among otherwise well-adjusted 30 yr olds who are otherwise great guys. It's just harder to identify this immaturity when you have all the other marks of adulthood—a good job that pays the bills, the ability to take care of yourself, friends who aren't just your drinking buddies. My ex assumed if he was in a long-term relationship at the age of 30, that MUST mean he's ready for love and marriage.

 

What he didn't understand, and what I'm only now realizing is that falling in and staying in love is as much about who YOU are, what you've learned in life and what you're ready for as it is about finding "The One." I bet you can fall in love and still have it get all screwed up if any of these things are out of whack. Are these just the ramblings of someone on the rebound or am I onto something?

 

 

When things were going bad with my ex I was the one who had the unconditional love/acceptance of who she was. She on the other hand was the one who got it all screwed up when she met somebody 'better'. It made her look at her life with me and question its future after ten years of marriage. She married young at 21 and when she hit her early 30's she began to create a new future for herself that didn't include marriage. Her freedom is what she wants now because until lately she was never really clear about who she was. It WAS immaturity cloaked in an otherwise well-to-do woman of substance. I believe that there will come a day when these people really regret what they have done. But for me I have to move on and find that "mature magic".

[MiquelAngelo]

You have to be capable of unconditional acceptance and an unselfish willingness to be there for the other person when they really need you.

 

This really caught my attention, and it's so true. Sadly most men pay too much attention to the opinions of others (friends and family). Unconditional love is exactly that. I love you no matter what.

I am a male and I've never been married, and I thank GOD because in my early 30's I was not capable of unconditional love, I had no clue what it was (although I thought I did). In the past 2 years I've learned to love unconditionally. I've learned to accept the woman for who she is and I would give my life for her. It took me this long (early 40's) to realize it, so I know there must be many more men out there who don't have a clue.

 

I guess it's a learning process and maybe someday he will wake up and notice an emptiness in his heart, and realize too late that he's missing the love of his life.

[DivineWine]

anyway my guy did all these things.. its so frustrating..

 

Frustrating it is. It drives me nuts to know that I am only facing this aspect of his personality now when I can't do anything about it.

 

I guess it's a learning process and maybe someday he will wake up and notice an emptiness in his heart, and realize too late that he's missing the love of his life.

 

I said almost this exact thing to him once during a talk over 2 yrs ago about where our relationship was going b/c even then he was starting to worry, and it turned him right around. I sincerely meant it when I said it and I wasn't trying to manipulate him, but I think that was one of the first times I realized how easily his confusion about what really makes a great relationship could make him vulnerable to advice overload.

 

I just can't help but wish "someday" for him is sometime this week so I can get an early end to these bouts of sobbing and the loneliness that keep knocking me down. It's only been 5 days, but I'm exhausted. :sad:

 

I imagine it's easier to give up or listen to others when you don't know what you want or how to make things better.

 

That's exactly what I feel like he did. He listened to others AND he gave up. It didn't help that he was pushing himself toward the idea of true love and marriage when he should have known he wasn't ready. We both knew our relationship wasn't getting any better, but I KNEW what was missing and I couldn't break through all the noise and get him to hear it.

 

The good news - there are plenty of people out there that do know what they want/like/love and are willing to work for it! That's what you should be holding out for, and it sure seems like you have a great head on your shoulders and are headed in the right direction.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I really need it right now. My head has always told me what the right thing was. It started telling me awhile ago that my ex very well might not have been quite ready for our relationship to become as serious and long-term as it did, no matter how much he wanted to force it toward marriage. I could see that and was content to wait, but I think my head was also telling me that this was the sort of thing some people have to figure out all on their own through experience at messing it up. My head has now undertaken the enormous task of dragging my heart, kicking and screaming, to a place where it can heal. If only my heart would stop acting like a 2 yr old throwing a tantrum, dragging me along for the ride.

[JoeWho]

You have to be capable of unconditional acceptance and an unselfish willingness to be there for the other person when they really need you.

 

 

So true! And its not just the guys who are are lacking in this area.

[whoops]

i agree with all of this and infact have just been through it - he wasnt ready and i knew he wasnt right for me - no unconditional love etc he never took advice only from the one person who hate me his mother so when i made him decide if he wante marriage after 4 years he panicked and so i called it quits - lying slime ball with no balls - (sorry) but for the best

[DivineWine]

Today is one week since my breakup and it sucks! Is anyone else only a week into things and feeling like it's not getting better? Or better yet, does anyone who's further along and feeling better have a few words of wisdom? I don't think I come off as someone who desparately needs help figuring things out, but I need some pepping up I think. It just really hurts to miss someone, and maybe it even hurts a little more to realize and accept that it wasn't perfect for a reason and that I should just let go. I'm just having trouble with looking backward today and thinking, "what if."

 

In the interest of looking forward instead and trying to force my mood to be better, I've zeroed in on something I came accross on an eHarmony "happy couple" profile.

 

"I don't feel like I have to be anybody else other than who I am. She loves me for the things that make me a good person as well as the things that I could probably do better with."

 

It really resonated with what I wrote at the top of this thread about unconditional acceptance being one of the essential ingredients of love.

 

None of us are perfect and we shouldn't try to be. How boring! The people we look to for love should know us well enough to not only know what our best qualities are, but our worst as well. They should be able to help us change the things we want to change, worry about us and support us if we need to change for our own good and let us know that we'd be loved even if we stayed the same.

 

I didn't get that in my relationship almost the whole time. I don't really blame my ex though. We were both just trying anything to make it work b/c we thought being friends should certainly have led to something deeper. People have been telling me it just shouldn't have been that hard if it was meant to be. I just hope I can find that fulfilling relationship someday.

 

And yes, I know! One week is not long enough. I'm just curious about online dating and trying to think what I'll do when I'm ready to start daing again. I know i have a loooong way to go.

[confused25]

None of us are perfect and we shouldn't try to be. How boring! The people we look to for love should know us well enough to not only know what our best qualities are, but our worst as well. They should be able to help us change the things we want to change, worry about us and support us if we need to change for our own good and let us know that we'd be loved even if we stayed the same.

 

What you wrote there just made my eyes water But in a good way though! I just got out of a breakup from a LTR and part of the reasons to the breakup was that my ex blamed me for all the problems we had in our relationship. Yes I understand that I'm not perfect and I have faults and I've told him that I'm willing to change for him. But there are certain things that I'm just so used to doing that it's really hard for me to change just like that. He placed all the blame on me and made me felt like I was the one who made the relationship fail. But now I realized that if he really loved and cared about me, then he should be willing to help me get there. All he did was express his anger and frustrations to me when I wasn't able to change things on my own.

I'm glad I read your post!

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi DivineWine,

 

To try and answer your questions....

 

After 1 week I felt like crap.....

 

After 11 months I am feeling a lot better. I don't care about her or him. No feelings anymore.

 

Thinking about what if? I did that for a long time. I finally came to realize that there was no what if. I changed my personality so we could be together. She changed some too, but was not committed to the change.

 

You are correct. 1 week usually is not long enough.

 

My words of wisdom....

 

Online dating sites - I've met some fun people on legitimate online dating sites. When you start to feel like you are ready to date again the moment will be right. Be it you meet this person in person or via the internet.

 

Good Luck

bcusitwasfun