90 Days of Change

[andrewman]

Hello all,

 

90 days ago I got to know a girl that I'd know for a while a little better and well I became enamored with her (story in another post). Because of her I started to look more inward at my own life and realized that I could be a much better person. My business, I'm self employed, has just started really gelling into exactly where we want it to be but the rest of my life was completely 100% empty. I decided to start working out and trying to feel a bit better about myself, so I did, I did a 90 day program (Power90 if anyone is wondering) and lost 18 lbs (over 10% of my body weight) and I feel, of course, a lot better physically.

 

Now, I've finished that program and I'm looking into starting a new 90 day program. This time a program to help me socially. So, I'm looking to find things to make myself more comfortable in social situations and ways to extend my friend base. I'm getting braces to fix my smile, I'm taking dance classes to work on my confidence and I'm going to a therapist to try and talk all this stuff out as well.

 

But, right now, I'm in a total funk, I can't get myself to be motivated about anything. I just feel overwhelmed. With the fitness program I knew what to do, each morning I woke up and just did what was on the DVDs. Now, I don't know what I'm doing, so I'm trying to work on it but I just don't know if what I'm doing is going to help and I don't know what goals I should be shooting for. Also, with the fitness program I could see the ol' love handles disappearing and I could feel myself feeling better and better. But now, with a social change, I don't know what to do or how to know if what I'm doing is helping.

 

Can anyone give any pointers or milestones that they feel would be beneficial so my 90 day Social program can make a positive and lasting change in my life.

 

Thanks all

[chai714]

One vital book you'll need to improve your social program is "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. This book is the bible of making friends.

[andrewman]

Hello all, just wanted to use this as my own little diary of progress for my 90 days of change.

 

Well, I've purchased the "How to win friends and influence poeple" book and started reading that.

 

So, to break down all that I did last week:

 

Tuesday night (Halloween): I went out with a few old old friends to a trivia night. Not great because it was just a married couple and another guy, and they're not really social people so I don't see a lot of extra contacts coming from them, but they do work for bigger companies than I do (I'm self-employed, and there's just 3 of us) so maybe they could introduce me to others.

 

Weds night: Went over to a friend, who happens to be a girl, house and talked about what I'm trying to do and if she had any pointers or suggestions. She had a few ideas, but we mainly talked about the past and what I needed to get over.

 

Thurs night: Dance class, fun, there was a girls there that, I admit, I was interested in, but I actually brought my brother with me and he's single and super desperate so he jumped onto that one quickly. My bro is not a good wingman.

 

Fri night: Went to dinner with friends (a married couple) and told the girl that I was interested in dating and asked her to set me up with someone. Not sure if that'll go anywhere.

 

Sat.: Just ran errands during the day and had dinner with my Sis & boyfriend, no discussions about any of this, so a wasted night.

 

Sun: Went out to the park with some friends and played football. No prospects there but hopefully we can make this into a repeating thing where new people will be invited. That night I went to the singles group at my church, met one guy who said he could set me up with some friends in his Alumni assoc. and met another guy who does a lot of dating. We'll see if either of those can help any.

 

Mon (yesterday): Went to dance class again, this was the one-on-one class, so just me and the instructor.

 

I admit that I'm already getting discouraged, I know that I need to give it time but I just don't know if I'm doing everything I can to really get myself where I need to be. It's just that all the friends I have now are ALL dating someone already or are married. So, every party/event/whatever I go to with them is all couples and me.

 

Well, thanks all for listening and I'll continue to update my progress here. Hopefully in 90 days time I'll at least have some good stories to tell.

[faydra]

Hi there. Sounds like you are finding out who you are and where you fit in. Do you like to fish? paint? restore cars? write? travel? I would recommend taking some courses at your local college. It's a great place to meet people and also to find out what your interests are. The more interests you have the broader your knowledge and the more people you will meet.

 

Doesn't matter if your friends are all dating or married - you need to enjoy your life and enrich it. The grass isn't really greener on the other side of the fence. Don't wait for something to come along to fill your space - be interested in life and fill it yourself.

[andrewman]

Hello all, as for an update. I've not really had any progress recently. I've not gone again to the church singles group. I had a couple over for a dinner and she brought a friend of hers but she was very stand offish so no openings there to ask her out. I'll admit I don't really know when/how to do it properly so I'm actually looking at some of these "online player manuals." We'll see if that'll help.

 

Thanks for the advice faydra, I am currently taking a dance class and I'm looking for something else right now. I'd love to volunteer somewhere, that'd be nice because then, even if I don't meet anyone, I'll at least still be doing something good for someone else.

 

I'm currently in a very "blah" mood however, I know that this is going to take time and I know that I've been very closed off for a LONG time so it'll take me even longer, especially since all my current friends are all dating and even they have pretty much all couples friends. I've asked a friend to set me up with some of her single friends, so hopefully that may open some doors. That's actually the first time I've done something like that, I think I'm going to ask what girls think about guys doing that in a separate thread.

 

Hopefully I can get myself out of this current slump and more out there and open to dating, but right now I'm just not feeling it, hopefully I'll be doing better the next time I check in.

 

Thanks all and here's to change.

[steadyhand]

andrewman,

 

In addition to other's suggestions of taking classes, I also suggest checking out the following websites:

 

link removed [Linkup - this is the SF Bay Area site, there are links to other sites on the left hand side of the page for you to get to the site in your area.]

 

link removed [Meetin - Again, go to your geographical area.]

 

Both of these sites are places where you can plan activities with others that have the same interests as you and want to meet other people. I especially like Link Up because it has a 'flake factor' rating for each person, which discourages people from not showing up to events.

 

One other suggestion is to see if there are any clubs in your area that plan acitivities. For example an outdoor club that plans hikes and other outdoor excursions.

 

Thank you for your post, it's always nice to know there are others out there in similar situations!

 

Take care, steadyhand

[andrewman]

Thanks steadyhand for the links! Those look really great, the link removed community is very very small in Atlanta but hopefully I can help to get it started. That would be REALLY jumping out there.

 

Also, I just got braces so I'm sure that will make all this a bit harder for me. But that's what I always do, I decide to do something (in this case get out there and date more) and then I figure out ways to make it even more difficult for myself, so I get braces. Well, I know that once they're off I'll be REALLY glad that I did it and I know you've got to grow through the pain.

 

Take care all.

[andrewman]

Well, I've asked someone I've gotten to know pretty well recently out on a date (she said no), I emailed and then called another girl I know out on a date (no responses from any of the contacts), I've logged into link removed and sent out 10 emails, no responses. It's been pretty devastating. All I really need is one yes, hell I'd be open for one response right now.

 

I know I can't seem desperate in my responses and I don't. I actually take the time to read through their profiles and respond to things they say in their profile and ask them questions about something that piqued my interest in their profiles. Some of which are pretty good, if I do say so myself. Like one girl said her favorite movie was "The Jerk" so my salutation for the email I sent was "Picking out a thermos for you, Andrew" Still got nothing. Rats.

 

Well, I'm still trying but truthfully it's getting harder and harder as the days go by.

 

Thanks again all for listening.

[andrewman]

Well, I've not posted here for a while.

 

I've still not been out on a date but I'll admit I've not been really trying until just recently. Back in October I bought 4 tickets to a very popular event and I was going to use it as my goal, 90 days of change ending with this event where I'd have a date. I bought 4 so if I needed to do a double date to make her feel a little more comfortable I could.

 

Well, the event is tomorrow and last week I still did not have a date, so I started pulling out all stops and did a lot of stuff to try and get someone to go. I went to a church singles group event, I went to one of the parties at my dance school, I got online and started contacting a lot of people on match. None of those panned out. So, I gave two of the tickets to a couple that I know and asked the girl to set me up with one of her friends, the first she asked was already seeing someone so I asked her to ask another of her friends that I knew and she's going to be able to go. So, I'm pretty excited about that. I'll definitely post on here tomorrow with how that went.

 

One thing this experience did do for me is made me much more determined to go out on some dates and I think that my only real possibility for getting a date is going to be if I ask someone face to face. When you're on link removed I think too much goes into your picture and well, I'm not really an attractive dude. So, maybe I'll be able to charm someone into going out on a date. But really, I can't stand that it's another friday night and I'm at home alone.

 

Wish me luck.

[andrewman]

Ah, good times,

 

Well, here goes. Turn out the girl that was going to go to the event couldn't get off work. Which was very, very disappointing because I actually really liked her. So my friend found someone else to go and well, we didn't really click at all. So that was quite the bummer. The show was good though.

 

Next on Sunday night I went to my church singles group because they were having a party. There was actually one person that I did ask from the singles group to go to the event with me but she already had tickets for Friday night but she said, in her email: "... I will however see you at the event on Sunday after mass. * Enjoy the show - we can compare notes on Sunday. Thanks for thinking of me!" Well, I walked up to her last night and she saw me walking up and grabbed someone else that was passing and started talking with them. I patiently waited for an opening and we talked for a few sentences about the show and then she started chatting with someone else. Oh well, no luck there. So, I really worked on just starting up some conversations with other people. I saw one girl that was standing alone and went up and chatted with her, we got into a very good conversation, turns out she's seeing someone else in the group, but she brought in some other people and we at least had a good conversation. Later in the night, a girl that I tried to talk to earlier in the night but was boxed out of the conversation came over to our little group so I, being the nice guy, stepped back to open up the circle to allow her into the conversation and she boxed me out again. LOL That was kinda sad, I moved back into the conversation again but wow! Another time in the night, I was discussing some business with a very popular guy at the group that needed some help with something and a girl came up and asked him "Why wasn't he mingling?" Wow, again. (Oh, and I guess it didn't really help that the guy that I brought to the party chatted with a girl all night and got her number. He was, I could tell, a very nervous young guy (like 10 years younger than me) and so I gave him a little pep talk when we got there because he was asking me what to do and was kinda dogging on himself some. Well, I told him to just strike up a conversation with someone and he went off in one direction and I went off in another. He was chatting with a big group of people and as the night got later he was chatting with one particular girl. It was getting late and I wanted to leave, but come on, I couldn't end the conversation early for the guy so I waited and chatted with other people until he finished. Well, he got her number and I could tell that he was quite enamored with her. Good job, man.)

 

Well, it kinda sucked that all my prospects and huge plans didn't really amount to much at all so i went home on Sunday a little depressed only to find that I got a "Wink" on link removed!!! Well, it was already 11pm so I decided to write back today. And well, turns out someone jacked the girls password and sent out a lot of random winks. Ouch.

 

So, needless to say, I'm not in a really good place right now. I gotta keep trudging along, but wow, this is really getting ridiculous.

 

Thanks for listening. It's a damn good thing I can laugh about all this already!

[andrewman]

You know what, I really don't like link removed. I think it's been the biggest blow to my already non-existant ego than anything else. I've only had one response from the over 20 girls I've emailed and that was a "I'm currently seeing someone" email. Now, I've received some emails and a wink, but actually they're all scams, every single one of them. Most don't have a link removed account (how can they email me without an account? doesn't make sense) and they say in their, very poorly written, emails that they don't want to pay for the site so I should contact them on their yahoo or whatever email. I knew they were scams from the start, of course, but I was actually curious this last time and actually setup a bogus email and emailed them back, wouldn't you guess it, Nigerian.

 

Well, I have to say what a complete and total waste. I'll continue trying on the site of course, you never know. But, I'll admit, at this point I'm thinking it'd be far better for my personal well-being to stay as far away from that site as possible.

 

Just wanted to vent for a bit.

 

Hope you all are finding happiness in whatever you do.

[andrewman]

Well, it's been another month and another month of no news. Sorry all who are reading this hoping for something! I'm still trying with Match, I'm not really going to the Singles group much, it's kinda sad that a Church singles group can feel so unfriendly.

 

I went over to a friends Oscar party on Sunday and had a great time. There was one girl there that I've met a few times before, but never really had a chance to get to know her. But well, she was cracking me up and she was laughing at some of my jokes as well. I wanted to ask her to go grab drinks or something but I didn't, for a few reasons. One, we were never alone anywhere for me to just ask. Two, and this is the bigger reason, she's a friend of a friend and I've been asking out a few friend of friends recently and they've all said "No" and I'm just tired of then having that awkwardness being around them afterwards. I'd rather ask someone out that I don't know at all. That way when they reject me I won't have to see them again. I know, being negative, but I said it because it was more humorous to me to say it that way.

 

Still trudging on.

[andrewman]

Well, I've got lots of updates.

 

It's been like 3 months since I last wrote, just realized that's another 90 days, this 90 days of change is turning into a year of change.

 

Well, let me go through this quickly, just in case anyone is curious as to my progress.

 

Well, I'm still working out, actually joined a gym with one of my business partners and we go a few times a week. I've starting running and for me that's huge. I used to say, when anyone asked me if I wanted to go for a run, "no thanks, I only run when chased." Well, I've done a couple of 5k's and I've got another on June 2nd.

 

Still taking the dance classes, they're becoming more and more fun now that I'm getting more and more confident in my skills. My braces are really working, I used to have a big gap in my front teeth and it's pretty much completely closed now. Probably just a few more months, hopefully by September I'll have them off.

 

On the dating front, well, I actually had a date last Sunday. We chatted on the phone the week before for like 30mins. It was a very nice, easy conversation. Well we met out at a little restaurant that she said she liked and well, it was like pulling teeth getting her to talk and she wouldn't look me in the eye at all. So, that didn't really work out, unfortunately but hey I had a date!!!! That's like the first date I've had in like 14 years! I'm just amazed just writing that.

 

Well, still trudging along. Hope everything is going well with you.