My Ex's e-mails continue to confuse me...

[Big D]

Ok, I had a long post running in the Get Back Together forum about my meeting with my ex for the first time in 4 months:

 

Anyway.. since our meeting last Sunday night... with some exchanges I've had via e-mail with my ex... she's acted in a way I don't find to be totally normal for a girl that dumped me and said she wasn't in love with me. I was hoping to get some opinions on what the heck she might be thinking.

 

First one:

hola. i was just wondering if you got that long email i wrote back to you.

i wasn't expecting a response at all b/c i was responding to

yours, but since we have had so much trouble with our emails actually

arriving i was just making sure you got it. so let me know. i hope you are

doing good. it was really nice seeing you on sunday. ive realized lately

that life plays some crazy games, and you never know whats going to happen.

i guess no one is to say for sure what their future holds for them. well

take care, and just let me know if you got the email. but we dont have to

talk again until you are ready. ill miss you dearly. bye xxxx

 

Follow up to the one I replied with:

hey *(her nickname for me)* im glad you got the email. anyway, i forgive you

for not eating much.. i was pretty nervous too! but please don't get too carried

away with this dieting thing, you look great and you shouldn't do anything

else. as far as disneyland, of

course i won't have as much fun as i had there with you!! duhh. those were

some awesome times. i will miss you tons while we aren't talking, so take

care and tell your family i miss them too! expect an email from me around

christmas though, b/c of course on your fav holiday i have to wish you a

merry one! keep a smile

on your face.. life will turn out just fine and whats meant to happen always

does. good luck with the rest of this semester!! when i email you around

christmas ill let you know about how my nursing stuff went. i wont know til

march if i get in, but im sure ill have a pretty good idea by winter break.

okay, well stay safe and have fun.. ill miss you. *(the nickname I gave her)*

 

here's the last one I got, as a follow up to an e-mail I sent her about a dream I had that she was hurt in

hey **** i know you said not to respond, but i want to anyways. im sorry

your dream was so awful, and i dont think you are a weirdo at all!!! i have

crazy dreams too where i freak out, its totally normal. and im glad that you

would think about me to email. ***, seriously, whenever ANYTHING happens

you call ME! i know its hard right now because of our situation, but you are

the most important person to me as well and i would want to help you with

anything. i cant believe you would think that i would think you are insane,

thats so silly. i just feel bad your dream was so bad ive done that before

where i wake up sweating about to cry... some dreams are so realistic its

crazy. anyways... off to stupid work and you have a good halloween too!!

its mi madres bday so on tuesday im gonna go over there and pass out candy

with her to little kids. have a good day!! miss you tons -***

 

 

So thats it... maybe I'm just not used to it. But from the time we've met up and her constant talk of missing me, thinking about me, wanting me in her life, not wanting to date anyone else, etc. I'm just not sure why she would be so open about this stuff

 

Or maybe I'm just crazy

[heloladies21]

This is called believing in false hope right there. Nothing in her email points to her wanting to get back together with you, and if you have any doubts, you should just be straight up and ask her.

 

But you being her friend, or hanging around in the background will not bring her back to you. This method has been proven not to work. Best thing you could to would be to set out an ultimatum for her of "either we get back together right now and work at this, or i'm not interested in being friends or staying in touch." Otherwise it's gonna make it harder for you to get over her and free yourself up for someone else.

[Big D]

This is called believing in false hope right there. Nothing in her email points to her wanting to get back together with you, and if you have any doubts, you should just be straight up and ask her.

 

But you being her friend, or hanging around in the background will not bring her back to you. This method has been proven not to work. Best thing you could to would be to set out an ultimatum for her of "either we get back together right now and work at this, or i'm not interested in being friends or staying in touch." Otherwise it's gonna make it harder for you to get over her and free yourself up for someone else.

 

yea... thats the thing... all the "i miss you" stuff stems from me telling her after us meeting up that I need to walk away again and try to get past feelings (we'll see...) and that I'd get in touch with her if I felt like I could do the friends thing.

 

Like I said in my other thread, I really do believe at times she still has feelings.... but I think she's got issues she needs to work out that are stooping her from commitment and relationships.

 

Oh well, it is what it is

[friscodj]

Yeah, been here and done this...

 

"I don't know what the future holds."

 

"We don't have to talk again until you're ready"...but then...

 

"I know you said not to respond but I wanted to anyway."

 

"...but you are the most important person to me as well and i would want to help you with anything."

 

"Miss you tons."

 

Some of these words have been said to me verbatim by exes my friend! Word-for-word! There must be a book on the 100 best lines to keep a guy in your backpocket.

 

So let me ask you this, how does that leash feel around your balls?

 

Look at this, you told her not to reply and she does because she wants to. Then she wants to help you. Help you? You don't need her help my friend...

 

Nonetheless, I think you should keep going with this D. You are going to really learn a very important lesson from this whole situation that will help you down the road. I've been in situations like this and can spot them coming a mile away. You need to get that kind of vision D, and I think you've got to learn this one by doing...

[Big D]

Brilliant my friend. I loved the part about the leash around my balls, haha. But yes, I'm agreeing with you on this all. You know to be honest, it's quite fascinating how she's been acting since we met. In 4 months of e-mails we exchanged sporadically, I never once heard an "I miss you" until it was a reply to my comment telling her I missed seeing her and would like to meet up.

 

Yet, in the week since we've hung out... in EVERY e-mail she's sent me, I've heard the phase "I miss you" in some form at least once, sometimes twice. It's quite amusing honestly.. I'm taking it as her repercussions from seeing me. That it all really hit her when we were together about what she's missed the past 4 months and all that.

 

So yes, as far as I can predict, that will be the last I hear from her until Christmas. I'm really terrified for the next two months because she always spent Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas was "our" holiday together, so it will be strange rolling solo for the first time in years. I'm just hoping the time apart again will get her to get her head back into reality (even though i know it's not with me right now) so I can get mine back as well

[TheRedQueen]

Overall it sounds like you're both young and confused. Quite frankly after following your story for a bit, I'm confused too!!!!!

 

Maybe she still has feelings for you, but does that really change the situation?

 

My advice for you would be for both of you guys to take a clean break from each other, for a few months at the very least. Trust me it would only make you a stronger person in the long run, but then again what the hell do I know!!!

 

Good Luck Mr. D.

[Hope75]

It sounds as though she is confused. Whenever I see a situation like this when the 'dumper' continues to contact the 'dumpee' with ambiguous messages like those I always think, "It's time to remind her that she made a choice, not to be with that person, and she needs to follow through and feel the consequence of that choice."

 

So how can she feel that consequence if she knows she can contact you at will and will get a response, and she knows that you are on the other hand, hurting and waiting for any type of reassurance from her that she still cares?

 

This is a situation where I really think for your own safety and sanity you need to put your foot down and go NC. Block her from your email and your cell phone. She made a choice, that she did not want you in her life as a boyfriend, and it's not fair to expect you to continue on as though nothing happened and to lean on her 'as a friend' when she broke your heart and rejected you. Let her feel that, feel what it means to not have that relationship.

 

Either she realizes that she's made the worst mistake ever and comes crawling back, at which point you can decide if you want her around or not, or, this just reaffirms her choice that she did not want to be with you. The good news about option # 2 is that if it is the case, you will on the road to healing without constant reminders of her and what you've lost.

 

It's going to be tough, but I really think it's the best way to continue forward for you.

 

Good luck, friend!

[Big D]

Overall it sounds like you're both young and confused. Quite frankly after following your story for a bit, I'm confused too!!!!!

 

Maybe she still has feelings for you, but does that really change the situation?

 

My advice for you would be for both of you guys to take a clean break from each other, for a few months at the very least. Trust me it would only make you a stronger person in the long run, but then again what the hell do I know!!!

 

Good Luck Mr. D.

 

Haha.. the confusion goes beyond you and me. It seems like whenever I try to tell my friends and family about this situation.. her actions... her e-mails.. etc. It's just one more piece to the "what the heck" puzzle.

 

Like I said in my original thread, there is a part of me deep down that truly believes she has feelings for me still. Her actions pre and post breakup make me feel that while I believe she still loves me, her past is catching up with her (parents divorce and mom leaving her) and she freaked out because our path was headed to marriage and she knew it. Because I feel like she still has these feelings for me, it's tough letting go.

 

BUT.. I know there is nothing I can say or do to change her view on things right now. She is doing this for herself and I can't help her with it. So I have no other choice but to try my best to walk away from it.

 

As an ex, she is FAR too concerned with losing me from her life and tried to convince me that she'd rather us be "best friends" than her date another guy... which is weird obviously, but I'm doing exactly what you said and going back to NC. We had it for 3 months after we first split.

 

I guess we'll see what happens when we have it again.

[Big D]

I agree. I gave went 3 months NC and in the 4 months we were apart, she chose not to date (in any form) and has spent all her time alone, with her roomate or other girl friends, or working. She also spent the 4 months checking up on me to others.

 

She's now seen me again, we've now talked again, and I think the confusion is over-drive in her head.

 

So like I said above, I'm back to NC. Though it's the worst time of the year with our favorite holidays. But what can you do, lol

[TheRedQueen]

As an ex, she is FAR too concerned with losing me from her life and tried to convince me that she'd rather us be "best friends" than her date another guy... which is weird obviously, but I'm doing exactly what you said and going back to NC. We had it for 3 months after we first split.

 

People are selfish, and thereforeeee act for, and in their best interest during most situations. It benefits her for you to be emotionally wrapped around her finger. If she does not want you as her boyfriend, oblige her with the appropriate dose of detachment.

[beebee]

from what ive been told, its called the "push/pull" theory... "i want you close, miss you, blah blah/oops, dont get too close"... im not a therapist so dont quote me too much on this... im just passing on some info... but this does seem to happen alot...

whether the dumper (gosh i hate that word) is scared or unsure or wants you close just in case or needs reassurance that your love was genuine, i have no idea... i just know that it seems to happen often...

good luck and keep your course... try not to over think about what she means (i know, i know, thats the hardest thing to do)... just try...

[heloladies21]

NC in this type of situation amounts to a whole lot of psychological game playing. If she were to come back to you, it would be because she was swayed into it by the NC and not because the underlying problems were resolved. You haven't left things on the right foot by agreeing to talk to her in a few months, you've set yourself to hang on in the meantime and won't be able to get over her. Best thing you could do is to come clean with her and set out the ultimatum, and if she's not interested, then you prefer NC. Then there is no game playing, no miscomunication. You'll have your answer and will be able to move on.

[friscodj]

NC in this type of situation amounts to a whole lot of psychological game playing. If she were to come back to you, it would be because she was swayed into it by the NC and not because the underlying problems were resolved. You haven't left things on the right foot by agreeing to talk to her in a few months, you've set yourself to hang on in the meantime and won't be able to get over her. Best thing you could do is to come clean with her and set out the ultimatum, and if she's not interested, then you prefer NC. Then there is no game playing, no miscomunication. You'll have your answer and will be able to move on.

 

I couldn't have summed it up better myself.

 

And when you do reach the boiling point with this, don't think of it as "NC", simply think of it as being gone.

 

I think you can see this D and agree with this, but your heart is too hopeful yet to be convinced you should follow this advice. If you need to keep going a little while longer, keep letting the confusion and disappointment suck the life out of you, then do it. It really is the best way to learn and gain wisdom from this.

 

Just don't end up bitter and jaded like me...

[Big D]

I couldn't have summed it up better myself.

 

And when you do reach the boiling point with this, don't think of it as "NC", simply think of it as being gone.

 

I think you can see this D and agree with this, but your heart is too hopeful yet to be convinced you should follow this advice. If you need to keep going a little while longer, keep letting the confusion and disappointment suck the life out of you, then do it. It really is the best way to learn and gain wisdom from this.

 

Just don't end up bitter and jaded like me...

 

 

Agreed. I'm really just thinking that meeting up with me stirred her emotions (like you said would happen, lol) and I'm not thinking too much of it. I'm going to give this a few months apart and see how things go. Maybe I'll meet someone nice in that time? Who knows.

 

However I will agree that after a few months, if there is no change in her actions or my heart, then the ultimate will be put in place. Because 6-8 months of this "i'll miss you" bull**** is just far too much to be serious about.

 

And at that point, if she says she doesn't want anything... just my "friendship"... then I will go into permanent NC... or being gone, whichever sounds better