therealshrek Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Ive been living with my roommate for about half a year now. We are both in our mid 20s and have been friends since elementary school. Shes a big tomboy and Ive always seen her as a sister or even a brotherly figure. We were both dumped by our significant others in the same week and helped eachother through the depression and heartbreak. Whenever either of us didnt have school or work, we'd hang out together. Anyhoos, about a month ago my roomie started dating a much older guy and for the first couple days, she seemed the same, but suddenly she stopped acting like herself. Shes a very active, krazy, funny gal that always has something to say or talk about but is also very mature at times. She suddenly stopped talking to me or hitting me up to hang out. I knew it was because she had a boyfriend now, but I didnt think itd get to the point it is now. When I get home and she's there alone, she'll completely ignore me... not even acknowledge my presense. It'll take me three times to say hello before she turns her head towards me and nods. Then she turns back to the TV or her laptop. Ill try to strike up a conversation with her, but she doesnt pay attention to me at all. Ive gotten to that point that I just walk into the apartment, say hello to her once, and go straight to my room where I stay doing homework or watching TV. This gal used to hit me up every day to hang out. Every morning, she'd come knocking on my door and would tackle me or do a cannonball onto my bed to wake me up and talk to me. We would lay there for like an hour just chatting about anything. Now I wake up and walk into the living room and shes just there, watching TV or talkin on her cell phone to her boyfriend. Ill greet her and she just looks at me and turns back to what she was doing. Her boyfriend is here every nite and they both take over the living room, which doesnt bother me much because I have a TV and computer in my room and its where I get most of my HW done. Whenever her boyfriend is over, she talks like a 5 year old and just giggles a lot, sort of like an airhead. If I get home and he's there, I say hi and ask how they are doing or whats new and they wont even look away from the TV or laptop or say anything. I had a huge birthday bash at my parents' house this last weekend and all of our friends from accross the state came. The bash started at noon and she didnt show up until 6pm, then sat there for about an hour talking to her boyfriend on her cell phone, then went and sat in her car for another hour and left. I was hurt, I admit it. This was a gal that used to have parties just because so all of us could get together and hang out. Now she couldnt even hang out for my birthday. Two weeks ago, she got in a fender bender about an hour away from our place and asked me to go get her because her boyfriend couldnt. I was already on my way to school to give a presentation and told her I would just call my professor and let her know there was an emergency and I couldnt make it. So I drove that hour away to get my roomie only to find out her boyfriend had come to get her. She didnt even friggin call me to let me know and all she could say was, "sorry dude." Then last week Ive been having problems with my car (recently supercharged it and have had a couple minor probs with it) and asked her if she could drive 20 mins to help me out (she has a whole tool box in the back of her car) and she said, "sorry, you're out of luck, I'm busy" then I heard her boyfriend talking in the background and she said, "hold up babe, its just my roomie" and she said goodbye and hung up. I couldnt believe she did that. I finally approached her yesterday about why she ignores me, doesnt want to talk, never wants to hang out, etc. and all she could say was, "just shut up about it dude." and "you need to help keep the apartment cleaner." I just stared at her and went into my room. Im at that point that Im about to just ignore her and pretend I live alone. I may be moving away with two different friends in the next couple months, so maybe I'll just ignore her till then. Its just hard to lose a childhood friend... what can ya do? Any advice? sorry for the long post Link to comment
Scout Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 While her behavior does sound rude and uncalled for, I can't help but wonder if there's a little more to all this. It sounds like she's angry with you for some reason. Is it possible there's a valid reason why? Think hard. Link to comment
Scout Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 And shrek, I just went over some of your past threads. It seems you and this roomie have had difficulties before about people being over. Link to comment
Siriana Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 I really hate that kind of persons. If you have the strength I suggest asking her to move out. If you are not into fighting than I suggest you to move out. I think that the atmosphere you're living in is not the very best one for your well-beeing. Move ASAP and I would say without a note when she's not there. And don't be her friend-she doesn't deserve that. I bet she will come to her senses when they brake up ( and they will, trust me, because when someone changes you soo much than he or she is not the right person for you) ans she will ask for your friendship again. But remember that this kind of selfishness always stays in person and appears every single time in similar situations. Sorry you had a chance to meet such a person. I had similar experience too. Never put much effort into that friendship again. I cheked up your posts too. The fact is you had similar problem before - it is her beeing not considerate enough. Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 hmm... this is just a guess... but do you think she ever had feelings for you and all this ''hanging out' could have been an attempt to hook up with you? People do have feelings for their friends sometimes.... maybe you didn't give this back... and so its a case of sour grapes.. I may be completely wrong... just an idea Link to comment
Scout Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 hmm... this is just a guess... but do you think she ever had feelings for you and all this ''hanging out' could have been an attempt to hook up with you? People do have feelings for their friends sometimes.... maybe you didn't give this back... and so its a case of sour grapes.. I may be completely wrong... just an idea That's a possibility. And how did she feel when that Abby girl was hanging out at your house? Did she have a problem with it? (again, referring to one of your past threads) Link to comment
rocio Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 I hate it when girls ditch their girlfriends just because they found a boyfriend. When are they going to learn that WE are the ones they're going to come crying to when the breakup happens? I would recommend giving her the space that she wants. You can't force her to be your friend. And go that extra mile in keeping the place clean and toning down your annoying habits (which we all have). Link to comment
therealshrek Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 hmm... this is just a guess... but do you think she ever had feelings for you and all this ''hanging out' could have been an attempt to hook up with you? People do have feelings for their friends sometimes.... maybe you didn't give this back... and so its a case of sour grapes.. I may be completely wrong... just an idea no, there is no way in hell she liked me, we are like brother and sister. we hung out alot and talked all the time, but there wasnt that feeling of attraction... it was like hanging out with a bestfriend, if you know what i mean That's a possibility. And how did she feel when that Abby girl was hanging out at your house? Did she have a problem with it? (again, referring to one of your past threads) I approached her about Abby and if having her at the house was a problem. My roomie said, "of course not, im really happy you have someone around". Actually since I made that post about Abby, she hasnt been back to our place. As for past roomie probs, yeah I had a prob with her friend and his friends, but not with her. That friend of hers ended up stabbing her in the back and has never come back. I'm trying to think if there is anything Ive done that could make her mad at me enough to ignore me and the such, but I cant. Im sure some of my annoying habits (my room is pretty messy and I always seem to be the one who drinks all the bottled water, amongst other small things) get to her, but nothing to be ignored over. One of our mutual friends said that maybe she just got bored of hanging with me... dunno? Link to comment
Scout Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 I honestly don't know what's motivating her to act like this, then. I can tell you it's a somewhat common scenario, though. I remember I once knew a guy and girl who were best friends, they were room-mates, etc. I actually ended up moving in with them, too, so I was able to observe closehand something that happened between them. He met a new crowd of friends, and pretty much dropped her not long afterwards. She was hurt and confused, too. They'd been friends a long time, and had really helped each other both through hard times. It's interesting to note this new crowd of his was quite different from her. They were...well, I guess you could say a really "popular" clique. I think he was kind of seduced by that, being just of college age (not to sound condescending, but most people are still somewhat immature in our late teens and early twenties). He wanted to be in the "in" crowd. His friend definitely did not fit the criteria of the other people in that crowd, either. Not that there was anything wrong with her, and to be honest, there wasn't anything wrong with that crowd, either. For an in crowd, most of them were actually surprisingly nice people. It was the guy that was being a jerk in all of this. My point is that friends grow apart, and sometimes, our friends can pull abruptly away from us, and that's very hurtful. They may look back one day and regret their actions, recognizing how hurtful they are, too. It seems to me you're doing what you can to alleviate the situation, but it might end up where you move out to some place where things aren't so uncomfortable. It is a sucky situation and I sympathize with you, for sure. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 It's a possibility. Also, if she really is changing herself for her bf, maybe he doesn't like her hanging around with other men? Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 it sounds like she is mad at you for something...and trying to get back at you. unfortunately Link to comment
therealshrek Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Thanks Scout... that does make me think about how she has made a new group of friends ever since she bought a motorcycle. She hangs out with a group of about 5-6 guys who are part of a motorcycle club and she hangs with them a lot too... hmmm... again, thanks Scout for the help and informative reply Link to comment
Scout Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 You're welcome. If it is indeed that she's essentially "swapping" you out for a new crowd, please don't take it personally. Seriously. You're not the one that is behaving so thoughtlessly, keep that in mind. An addendum to my previous story...the guy who dropped his friend for a new crowd fell in love with a girl in that crowd who rejected him, and then he became very bitter and unhappy. And he didn't have his good friend to turn to anymore afterwards, because she had long since said, "The hell with him!" (She also moved to California with a guy she had fallen in love with. Happy ending for her!) Link to comment
therealshrek Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 You're welcome. If it is indeed that she's essentially "swapping" you out for a new crowd, please don't take it personally. Seriously. You're not the one that is behaving so thoughtlessly, keep that in mind. THanks, I'll try not to take it personally. Do you think I should try approaching her again about why things aren't the same or do you feel it may be moot by now? Link to comment
Scout Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 THanks, I'll try not to take it personally. Do you think I should try approaching her again about why things aren't the same or do you feel it may be moot by now? Well...you might have to soften her up first. Get the place sparkly clean, stock the fridge, etc. Then you could approach her one more time, tell her you took her comments to heart and will try and be a tidier room-mate, and then ask her if there is anything else you can do to close the growing distance between you two. If she's still rude to you after such a nice gesture, then you will KNOW it's her problem, not your's, and as soon as your lease is up, plan on moving to friendlier quarters! 1 Link to comment
therealshrek Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Well...you might have to soften her up first. Get the place sparkly clean, stock the fridge, etc. Then you could approach her one more time, tell her you took her comments to heart and will try and be a tidier room-mate, and then ask her if there is anything else you can do to close the growing distance between you two. If she's still rude to you after such a nice gesture, then you will KNOW it's her problem, not your's, and as soon as your lease is up, plan on moving to friendlier quarters! Great, thanks for the advice. Funny thing is that I am usually the one who keeps the fridge stocked with everything and she just eats fast food. Also, the living room is full of HER and HER BOYFRIEND's crap. So when she told me I needed to help more with cleaning the apartment, I think she was just referring to my room... because the bathroom and kitchen is always pretty damn clean. but hey, my bedroom is MY room, ya know? I can have it messy if I want. I dont tell her how to maintain her room! But yeah, maybe I'll clean up the entire apartment, even her crap, and approach her again. Thank goodness our lease is month to month, so I can up and leave whenever... Thanks again Scout Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 hey man, i had a similar experience. sounds like she is one of those gals that revolves her life around her man. i say just concentrate on your goals and when her man dumps her, dont blow her off completely, but dont be there for her like you were before. Link to comment
therealshrek Posted November 16, 2006 Author Share Posted November 16, 2006 so yeah, digging this up from the dead... things have only gotten worse. the roomie ended up moving the TV from the living room into her room and now her and the boytoy stay locked in there the whole time. Its sorta nice to not have to walk through the living room and be ignored by them since they are now in her room all the time, but now I dont even SEE her. we live in the same apartment yet I havent actually seen her for a week. shes also been leaving her fast food garbage all over the apartment and doesnt clean it up. so ive been cleaning it up and straightening things out. i woke up this morning to find her clothes all over the furniture and taco bell wrappers all over the floor. argh! then i was trying to send some mail and couldnt find my sheet of stamps. i had remembered she had aked to borrow them the week before and never returned them. so i called her up to ask where they were and she replies with, "i dunno man." I'm like "you had them last" and she just says, "uh, sorry" then hung up. what the fudge? ARGH is all I can think of to blurt out Link to comment
Scout Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Good grief, when is your lease over?? You don't need to live in such an inconsiderate environment any longer. Link to comment
therealshrek Posted November 16, 2006 Author Share Posted November 16, 2006 Good grief, when is your lease over?? You don't need to live in such an inconsiderate environment any longer. funny thing is is that the lease is month to month, so i can up and leave whenever i want without penalty, but i couldnt do it because thatd leave her with a $1200/month payment. Even though she doesnt even acknowledge me anymore, I couldnt do that to someone, especially someone Ive been friends with for so long. Plus, with school and work, I just dont have the time to search for another place and/or move my stuff out. Prices around here for a single apartment are just ridiculous. A couple of my friends have said to just suck it up and deal with it until I get this year of classes out of the way and then during vacation time, look for another place. I was going to move in with two other friends that live a couple hours away, but it involves transferring schools, finding a new job, etc, and I just dont have the spirit to do so... well at least i can rant here Link to comment
Scout Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 It sounds like she's trying to drive you out, though! I think you should ask her if she does indeed want you to move out, and if so, you would be happy to start looking for another place. Perhaps the realization that her rudeness is about to stick her with a $1200/month payment might shape her attitude up a bit better. And because it's a month to month lease, she would not be stuck there, either. You could always look in the paper at room-mates wanted ads, and just simply FIND the time. It only takes a weekend to move out. And your situation sounds really unpleasant. Link to comment
Fallout Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 I think you should stop being so nice to her, she's bine a *beep* to you, taking you for granted, maybe her new bf doesn't like her having guy friends but that's no excuse... Try ignoring her yourself, and if she says anything say "Oh didn't realize you knew I exist" or something like that...and if you get into it tell her that she hurt you and she has been beeing a *beep* lately... Link to comment
therealshrek Posted November 17, 2006 Author Share Posted November 17, 2006 I've thought about lookin for another place but i think id rather live with someone ive known for a long time and be ignored than to live with a stranger. ive been ignoring my roomie too and i dont think she really cares. she actually picked up her garbage yesterday and did the dishes... i was quite surprised. Link to comment
therealshrek Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 quick lil update... roomie and her man broke up and now shes back to asking me to hang out, go out to dinner, etc. i want to be there to support her cuz shes really down about it... but at the same time, she has been a really terrible person these last couple months and i want to show her that she cant treat me that way and expect me to just be okay about everything now that she wants to hang out... what to do, what to do Link to comment
rosie76 Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Tell her outright that you're her friend, have been her friend for ages, and part of you wants to be there for her now because she's so down. But say directly that she's been a really terrible person to you the last few months so it's hard for you to be both honest with yourself and supportive of her now. Maybe she'll apologize and you two can start being friends again. On the bright side, no need to move! Link to comment
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