ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Talk me out of this if it's a terrible idea! I saw this t-shirt the other day that I know my ex would love. He would find it hilarious and it's something that only I know he would find that funny. I thought about just sending it to him for Halloween (it's kind of a Halloween joke). I wouldn't be too upset if he didn't acknowledge it. Just knowing how funny he would find it makes me want to do it so bad! Is it a horrible idea? Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 I think if your goal is ultimately to get over him and heal then it's probably a bad idea. BellaDonna Link to comment
papalazarou Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Are you in NC or LC. If LC then fine if NC then I wouldnt recommend it... Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Save your money and buy something nice for yourself that you will enjoy. BellaDonna Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Well, my goal is to get him back. I don't know if that will happen though. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Well, my goal is to get him back. I don't know if that will happen though. This all depends on the context of the break-up. For example, if you broke up because he said he needed space and wanted NC- if you break NC with the t-shirt, then it will only make things worse. However, if he broke up with you because he felt neglected or that you did not pay enough attention to him, then maybe the t-shirt would be a good peace-offering. What essentially caused the breakup? BellaDonna Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 We are in LC I guess, even though I should be doing NC. I always start the contact though. He broke off our engagment because he said he wasn't sure if I was the one. He's seeing someone else, but whenever we do e-mail it's nice. He said after the breakup that he still thought it would be me that he just needed time to figure things out. I guess the new girl means he's not coming back, but I don't know. It's hard, this is something that I would totally have done for him before and he would have loved it. I asked a guy friend of mine about it and he said as long as he didn't say he hated me and never wanted to see me again that if someone did that for him he would appreciate it. I don't know! Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 he just needed time to figure things out In that case, I think it is in your best interest not to send the t-shirt. That's just my opinion though, do what you feel is best. I know it's hard but I think you have to really try not to stop your life and sit around waiting for him. You need to live well and think about what you really want as well. Do you want someone who is not sure about whether they want to be with you? Surely you deserve better than that. ((Hugs)) BellaDonna Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 I do want someone who wants to be with me. He's a commitment phobe though, so I don't know if this will help him or push him farther away. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 I'm sorry ebsmith, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but strictly going by what you have written here- it sounds like he's already quite far "away" because he's seeing someone else. I know this must be hard for you- but I think you need to take all the strength you have and try to move on from him. commitment phobe In general, those are not the ideal people to have a relationship with (I know, it's easier said than done). But wouldn't you want someone who has the same goals as you? Clearly you want to get married and have a that deep level of commitment. You may never change his mind if he does not want the same things as you. It should not be a struggle, game, or test to get someone to love you and want to be with you. My guess is that he is not the right guy for you. At least he's showing you that now. It would have been terrible if you ended up married to him and he made this decision later on. BellaDonna Link to comment
majord23 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 I don't think sending him a t-shirt will bring you even an inch closer to reconciling with him, but it could set you back if he doesn't reply (as much as you may think it won't). We all look for excuses to contact an ex (Saw a movie they would like, their favourite band is in town, a relative had a baby etc etc.). And that is basically what they are - excuses. I can't see much postitve to come out of it in terms of reconciling, but there are potentially alot of negatives - emotionally, for you. I wouldn't send it. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 If your goal is to get him back, it could help. It will make him feel good, and if it is the type of thing only a few will find funny, it might have a good effect. However, I would not be making any serious efforts to get him back without a real understanding of how to lure him into what you want. You won't be able to force or drag him. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Ah I don't know what to do! Half the people I talk to say no, the other half say yes! See it's this shirt with a saying on it that he finds so funny from a show. I just want to send it to him with a card that says "Saw this and just had to get it. Thought it might make a good Halloween costume" I don't expect to hear anything from him, but it would make me feel good to know that it made him laugh. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 I think I want to do it because on his birthday I sent him something that he loves and he e-mailed me to thank me and said that only I would know what a great gift it was. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 ebsmith1, I've been on here for two years. And have on numerous occasions suggested ways in which one an seduce an ex to come back. I think I might have done it again this morning. I have found that most people don't succeed. It's a very tough thing to do, and once you do it, it's tough to sustain. Long time posters may remember daniaml77, who got back together with his then ex at least once while posting. He could never sustain it. He viewed himself as having put in much effort to get her back while she put in none, and he wanted her to prove herself, so he withdrew and made her chase him until she got frustrated and dumped him again. Another big danger is that the level of expectations is always high, and you need to act as if it is not. It is vey hard to do and should get much learning and consideration before attempted. What you want to do in sending him this shirt might be very helpful to an attempt. But you need to understand the risks and how to before you make such an attempt. Most people will recommend not doing it, because very few succeed. Most people who get back together, for any significant time, do it without great efforts by one or the other. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 So what should I do? I don't think this will cause him to run back to me. I sort of have a plan of occasional contact, like on holidays and such, with things like this sprinkled in from time to time. He's seeing someone else, so its a matter of waiting to see if that goes anywhere, or its just a rebound. Some on here say that NC is the best because it makes them miss you and realize their mistake. I just want to show him that the grass isn't always greener. Others may not pay attention like I did. Link to comment
Thunderforce Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 You have to look what your intentions are with sending this shirt. And be totally honest. Do you want to send this shirt without expecting an thank-you or whatever in return. Then YES send it. But if you want some reaction out of him, even just a thank you then DON'T. It will only make you feel bad if he doesn't. And also, you ans his efforts must be in balance. Don't do and talk more to him then he does to you. Everything is about finding that BALANCE! Link to comment
Beec Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 If you want to try, you need to figure out how. Occasional contact is fine, but it's not a plan. It's a plan to keep the door open, and not much more. If you want to plan, you need to make him want you, and that is seduction. I'd begin to read, and you can start with some sources I mention in my last post here: But it takes much effort, so you need to think about how you will feel after all that effort, and with him having done nothing except respond to your manuvering. Is him just wanting you back going to be good enough, or will he then need to prove himself? And nothing is sure in this kind of thing, what happens if you fail? Link to comment
vesper Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 remembering details about your relationship that no other would know will bring to the surface for him some feelings and it will stir some emotions. do you think its fair to do that to him while he is with someone else? Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 It might hurt a little if he didn't say anything, but really I'd just love to know that it made him laugh. He talks to me, but only if I start things. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 remembering details about your relationship that no other would know will bring to the surface for him some feelings and it will stir some emotions. do you think its fair to do that to him while he is with someone else? I don't know. It doesn't feel very fair that he started seeing her right after we broke up and then told me that we were still going to end up together. Sadly, I'm not too worried about the other girl. Link to comment
sparkle1 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Buying anything for an ex is iMO a bad idea. However, i did buy my ex a watch for his birthday as he loves his watches.... I done this as i knew he'd love the watch but wouldn't be able to wear it as his current gf would wanna know who'd brought it him... am i just cruel?!? lol xx Link to comment
vesper Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 ha ha. that does sound cruel and the fact that he has to make sure his current girl doesn't see it, will make him think if you A LOT more!!! Ebsmith, sparkle might be onto something here! ha ha. I have thought of the perfect present for my ex before and then I just had to stop myself because I knew I was doing it for selfish reasons and it would be obvious - but its really your choice! xxx Link to comment
Thunderforce Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 What you can do also is ... Just buy this shirt and hold on to it. May'be one day you can give it to him because you are back together... Or just on one day you come accross this shirt and ask yourself the question why on earth you ever bought that shirt... and throw it away. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Well he'd have to tell her he bought it himself or that someone he works with did. I don't know if it would be obvious or not. He knows I'm the type that does that sort of thing for anyone that I care about, not just him. Anything to make him think of me more Link to comment
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