Bisexual boyfriend - or not?

[iris28]

Dear all,

 

I've been reading a lot of the posts here but there is so much info that I really don't know what to think of bisexuality. I am hetero and I met my boyfriend 1/2 year ago, he immediately told me he was bisexual. Bisexuality was something new for me, but I really thought it wouldn't be a problem for me. When I just knew about it, I did read some info on the internet about it because I'm quite a careful when it comes to dating. I read that many bi-sexual people fall in love because they go for the person, whether male or female. I thought this was a beautiful idea so I didn't give it anymore thought.

 

After a few months we started to get problems. Initially about something unrelated. I am 9 years older (32 and he 23) and I had very serious doubts if there was any future for us with such an age difference. Obviously he doesn't want any children for a long time. I am just fine without for now but I would like to have children in the future and I have to consider my age. He is a very passionate person, he was very much in love with me, and he was very offended by me expressing my doubts. He felt I was not taking him seriously as a boyfriend, and that I saw him as a 'fling'.

 

Nevertheless we couldn't let go of eachother, but we both knew after this conversation that our relationship was likely to be doomed. Because of this we became less inhibited to talk freely about our thoughts with respect to other relationships. Initially I thought he identified himself as a bisexual man quite confidently, but then I found out that he actually feels quite "confused". He told me that after being with his ex-girlfriend for 3 years, he broke up with her because he wanted a man. But when he is with a man for a longer time, he wants a woman. He experimented with men for a while, and then had a boyfriend for 2 months. He told me he broke up with him because he felt sexually frustrated with this boyfriend. Btw. he never had anal sex with these men - maybe that's why? He went back to his ex-girlfriend for a little while, this ended because he had to move to another city and then we met eachother. During our relationship, I think he also had urges to be with men but I know he never acted on it.

 

Well, as you can guess it has made me feel very insecure and I'm actually a very confident person generally. When I hang out with gay friends, I always have a great time. But when I'm with my boyfriend in a place where there are gays, I feel very insecure. I cannot help it, I know I can never compete with a man. And I wonder if he might be gay without realising. I am afraid I will be one of those women who is left by their boyfriend because he has discovered he is really gay. Last time he told me he was going to write an end dissertation for his studies about bisexuality. In the end he is going to do it about homosexual behaviour among certain animals. Immediately, I think..o god...maybe he is not bi but gay and so on.. it's stupid, I see he is very passionate about me, we have great sex, but I feel insecure with all these things.. is it in my head?

[forza2]

Sounds like he's gay, but he doesn't know. Bi or gay guys shouldn't have grilfriends as they might find a guy and leave the poor girl

 

I dont think a guy can be attracted to men and women at the same time.

[all about us]

give him time to come to terms with his sexuality. make clear to im that you love him and you deserve to know this for the sake of your relationship.

 

hope this helps

[Survictor]

Can a gay guy have passionate sex with a woman? He may want to persue a gay relationship but be afraid to maybe? it all sounds too complicated for me, but each to their own.

[itsallgrand]

Honestly, I would be concerned too. He sounds...confused. And he is young, so maybe he hasn't figured it all out yet. Hard to say.

 

I agree strongly with all about us.

 

Being bisexual is not a reason to be this confused. Bisexual people are capable of having clarity and loving one person exclusively without interferring complications. I really do think this man is just confused in general!

[Luck of the Irish]

I'd be worried about diseases. Where did he stick his unit? Being as confused as he was, if he was "experimenting", I seriously doubt he didn't stick the thing into another man's poop chute. Have you checked him for STDs?

[iris28]

Hi,

 

Well first of all. In response to "luck of the irish". I am NOT worried about diseases. Sorry, but why do some people have to make these comments, my post is not about any fear of diseases, it is about my fear of my boyfriends confusion. I DIDN'T think it was necessary to clarify the diseases thing in my first post, because I do have very strong feeling of trust with my boyfriend about what he tells me about his sexual experiences, and this is not because I just blindly believe his word, but because we have talked about these things extensively and in detail. He never had anal sex with a man and that is the truth. Moreover, we use condoms, I am not stupid.

 

Anyway, I agree very much with "all about us" and "itsallgrand". I think he is young and needs time to understand himself better (My boyfriend absolutely HATES I refer to his age, as I am quite a bit older, he feels I don't take him seriously). The problem is again, do "I" have time to wait for him to know what he wants? Maybe I'm too much of a realist and not romantic enough, but am I denying myself of a chance to meet someone who I can have a family with? I would like to have children with a special someone in the future but I am already 32. Then again, I might never meet that person, and maybe I will regret not giving my current boyfriend a chance to be that person in the future.

 

Also I agree what "itsallgrand" says, he is a confused person generally, not just about his sexuality.

 

I also wonder about s.t. what Survictor says, is a gay person able to have passionate sex with a woman? It's obvious that my boyfriend enjoys our sexlife very much. This makes it all the more confusing.

[Derailed]

Wow, that is a tough situation to be in.

 

I can not say for certain if your boyfriend is a true bisexual. But as a gay man, I think I would want to steer clear of them. I don't want to have to compete with guys AND girls. Too much stress.

 

Kudos to your bf for being upfront and honest about it. If you are in this relationship for the right reasons, then by all means stay. We can't choose who to love. Just watch out for yourself and keep your communication lines open.

[nancyboy]

Well Iris, to be honest having a bisexual boyfriend can be difficult and frustrating... I have been dating a bisexual bloke for 6 months now and he is always having problems with acting on his gay feelings (I am a guy), and he still has a girlfriend who knows about me.

It's confusing, yes, his confusion even makes me confused. But can a bisexual male be equally attracted to both sexes... I think so. I just think that most of these men have tended toward straight relationships out of convenience and the social pressure to be straight. A lot of these men start experimenting later on in life. Later than "normal" people, or other people who have gay feelings. I started to experiment when I was 22. I consider myself bisexual, but with a preference for men (I don't want a real relationship with a woman).

 

My "sort of" boyfriend and I haven't had sex in months but I do sense the fact that in a way he's crazy about me. Should I leave then? NO. But I should continue to prove to him how much I love him. And I have a good understanding with his girlfriend, which helps. She and I get along. And we've become friends...

 

I mean, it's difficult for the both of us. Especially me, since he's been with her longer than with me. So he feels more comfortable with her sometimes and I feel like I can't always compete. Then again, I'm the fling on the side and she is his main girl. But on the other hand, he does keep changing his mind, so that may all change...

 

Just to give you another example of what a relationship with a bisexual can look like. And from the point of view from a guy who is dating a bisexual.

 

Anyway, what I was trying to say was, he may come to feel that he is missing out on the "gay side of things".... missing intimacy with guys. My sort of bf did, and that's why he chose me to be in his life. His shift in fascination from the bisexual to the strictly homosexual is probably because you already provide in giving him all the things he needs on the heterosexual side of things.

 

And please do keep in mind that all these sexual labels we use are just terms us humans made up to make it easier and to put people into boxes, so they would behave more predictably. I'm afraid when it comes to sexuality, no man in this world will ever be predictable. Besides, if he said he loves you, he probably really does.

 

I know I'm not leaving mine...

[JadedStar]

Yes he sounds extremely confused and you probably have good reason to worry.

 

And the age difference only tells me that you being the age you are may not have the tolerance to wait around for someone his age to beomce "non confused".

 

Life is too short. You already felt this relationship was doomed, go with your gut.