Why are people on Enotalone so conservative?

[Momene]

As one of the older generation, I like to think I am open-minded. I am sensible enough to realise that times have changed since I was young. For example, I've only had casual sex twice and I understand it's more common these days. I'd say my sex life within relationships has been pretty adventurous over the years, although it hasn't involved infidelity or group sex. I am the father of a daughter about to turn 16 and I talk openly about sex to her. I don't talk details of physical acts but she knows a lot about my history, so that she can learn from it.

 

If any of my advice seems "prudish" or "conservative", it is because I am being pragmatic about my own experiences and those of others. Sex unleashes powerful emotions that nearly all teenagers and a fair few adults aren't capable of handling. Even as a committed Christian, I have no problem with sex between regular boyfriends/girlfriends or same-sex couples. I just believe that casual sex is just not as satisfying as sex within a loving relationship, although I recognise also that being celibate while between relationships is also pretty hard, too! I also disapprove of people who are in supposedly "exclusive" relationships who cheat (and YES that DOES include my former self).

 

It's just when you've been round the block a few times, some things that may appear "prudish" are more like plain common sense but if people are happy being promiscuous or in (agreed!) open relationships, good luck to them but it's not for me.

[Dako]

Ever stand in line at a market while two young punks are using the eff word in every phrase? To me it loses all meaning after a while, so in a recent post I called it rubbing peepees. I'm not prudish, just bored with the old terms. Jelly beans, peaches and other euphemisms seem more sensual anyway.

[Daddy Bear]

really!... hmnnnn....

well... unless it's lesbianism, of course. i'm not qualified for that.

[Cadence308]

I agree that most come to this site because of a problem and that's why it seems no one on this site has sex or at least good sex.

 

I don't know if people are prudish. There are still STDs and pregnancy issues for anyone having sex...better to be safe than sorry!

[caro33]

Well put Momene, this is also what I was trying to get at. What may be 'too conservative' for some people may just be common sense and matters of self-respect for others.

[GottaLetItBurn]

This is all true, and I wanted to add. I presonally like the challange of getting a girl to like you, but I don't want it if it's easy. It's a turn on to be teased.

[Dako]

Good post Momene.

[melrich]

I can sort of see where the OP is coming from I think. In my "real" life, I also have not known a single male or female that was waiting for marriage. I really can't think of anyone who was a virgin much beyond about 20 years old.

 

And it does take me aback sometimes to see there are still people who have this value. I don't see anything wrong with it, it's just something I'm not used to.

 

So if you were to ask me, from my perspective, in that way the forums are more conservative than real life. That's no criticisim, nor is it a uniform comment about all participants because some of them are out there, it's just an observation.

[justpaisley]

It's interesting how two different people can have such radically different perpectives. As someone who has made sexual choices that most would consider conservative, I view the people on this forum as generally sexually liberal. You're seeing the exact opposite.

 

I think that the fact that there are so many sexually conservative people on this board is part of what makes eNotAlone so wonderful. You consider those among us who are conservative to be somewhat of a liability, I think it's definitely a sign that this board is a safe-haven for people of all views. I think it's great that people can come on here looking for support for one-night stands, yet many others can come on here looking for support for celibacy. Neither face negative comments (well, until your post). That's true open-mindedness, thanks to the maturity of the members and the vigilism of the moderators.

 

What could one's motivation for not pursuing great sex?

 

What is great sex to you could be horrible for someone else. I'm thankful every day that I waited to have sex until I was married - to me, married sex is great sex. No willfull ignorance. It's my preference, just as whatever sex you enjoy is your preference. I'm not a prude, by any means. I really... really love sex. But to me, anything outside of a committed relationship is meaningless, loveless, useless sex, and I'm just not into it.

 

Why would anyone be judgemental about another person's sex practices

 

Are you not being judgemental about other peoples' sex practices, i.e. those who choose abstinence? Saying we're prudish is a tad judgemental, in my opinion.

 

Also, I don't generally give sex advice to anyone that I don't think should be having sex, and that includes teenagers. No 14-year-old on this planet is ready for sex and all of its consequences.

[Aschleigh]

I realized that I think it's this prudishness, conservativeness that is actually at the root of the problem people usually write in about.

How many "problems" on enotalone could be solved by accepting that we are sexual beings, we want sex, we don't always want sex with the right person, we don't always want sex with the complications that come with it, but we always want sex.

It's the attitude of "sex as a taboo" that is the problem.

I have had lots of sex, with emotions and without. I prefer the with emotions sex. But there certainly is something to be learned from sex without emotions. What is to be learned from only have sex with one person for your entire life? If that's one's choice fine, I still think it's religious ridiculousness. If you're not gaining favor with god, why would you limit your sex life to one person for your whole life?

I know one person waiting till marriage to have sex, she is a fundemantalist christian.

My point is : all that conservativism, prudishness, that actually IS your problem. Is is ok, even better to make mistakes and learn from them.

I know how to get birth control and I have learned how I react emotionally when I have sex with someone. These are good life skills that I encourage people to get. Even teenagers can start learning this stuff.

It may be harder for men to get sex but it is not impossible. Go to college, drink a lot at a party and talk to every girl you see. That will teach you more than sitting at a computer any day.

[Aschleigh]

Palsey. You have only had married sex. It's like saying I prefer apples over oranges. But I have never had an orange, I just know that apples are better. That is not a prefernce. You have to try both things and with the knowledge of what each it like, make the decision that one is better.

I prefer sex with love over sex without love. I know this becuase I have had both, and I know my prefernce.

And I have seen many judgemental posts like : I don't think teenagers should being having sex so I can't give advice to them.

And yes, I'm only on here when I'm not having sex. Sex is my preference to being online.

[melrich]

I think it's definitely a sign that this board is a safe-haven for people of all views. I think it's great that people can come on here looking for support for one-night stands, yet many others can come on here looking for support for celibacy.

 

I think that is very true. And it is about perspectives for sure. I am not sure the OP was being overly negative or critical, more just making an observation from her perspective and that is what we all do all the time.

[caro33]

No doubt as I write this many other people are also writing, up in arms at your last posts Aschleigh, and to some degree, with reason. You actually make some cogent arguments (like the comparing apples with non-eaten oranges), but with the additional lines like your one on 'religious ridiculousness' you may well find your cogent arguments get lost. This is not a site to attack others' personal choices about their gods or their bodies. If that is the 'conservatism' you attack, well fine. I guess ENA is kind of politically correct but we have to be considerate of the often fragile emotions of the people who seek advice and solace here.

 

How many "problems" on enotalone could be solved by accepting that we are sexual beings, we want sex, we don't always want sex with the right person, we don't always want sex with the complications that come with it, but we always want sex.

It's the attitude of "sex as a taboo" that is the problem.

 

On your above lines, I think you are being too simplistic. It's NOT all about sex, it's about much more than that. For many people it seems to be about a need to belong to someone, to fit in, to not be alone. It's about a need to be understood by someone or to seek advice on what a certain behaviour 'really means'. Most of the threads I read are about trust and love and doubt, and not much of that is truly about sex, other than where feelings of betrayal have been triggered by physical cheating. There are people out there who live quite happily without sex.

 

It's just my opinion, but what I think people really want is intimacy. For some this means sex, for others its the things I listed above. It's about someone 'getting you', and/or having someone hug you.

[caro33]

OK maybe I jinxed myself with my statement of others posting, because it was thick with posts before and now is quiet as anything!

 

Anyway, I have revised what i wrote above. I think it's all about intimacy and but also CONNECTION. There a degree of chemical pheremone sex stuff in there, but i don't think it's the main game. I'm not religious but I have kind of assumed the no sex before marriage argument is about valuing your own body and who you share it with; it's about valuing your relationship with yourself as well as with God. It's about the sanctity of how you connect with others. Sometimes this ideal can lead to silly outcomes (as can anything) but as a principle I think it's not bad at all.

[Hope75]

I have had lots of sex, with emotions and without. I prefer the with emotions sex. But there certainly is something to be learned from sex without emotions. What is to be learned from only have sex with one person for your entire life? If that's one's choice fine, I still think it's religious ridiculousness. If you're not gaining favor with god, why would you limit your sex life to one person for your whole life?

 

I think there is more to this than trying to prove a religious point. Some people just prefer sex with a familiar and loving partner, because sex can be so charged with feelings of passion, vulnerability and emotion. I know I'd prefer sex with my partner of 4 years to that of casual sex any day of the week, and I am not particularly religious, not married, and not trying to prove a point to anyone. It's what works for me. And I've gone the casual sex route before. It worked for me at the time. I don't view it as a problem, just a preference.

 

Something else to be considered when talking about casual sex with people you don't know well is the steadily climbing rate of STI's, and the sheer number of people who carry them and do not even know about it. Not to mention that even barrier methods of protection do not protect from all STI's. Promoting promiscuity seems a bit dangerous this day and age. Try doing a search of threads regarding catching an STI.

 

Now THAT'S scary!

[Survictor]

Sex without emotion leaves me feeling empty. I don't want to share my body with someone I don't know so well. It leaves me feeling cheap and nasty, but I do realise this could be my Christian upbringing.

 

I have never had satisfactory sex with someone I didn't have feelings for.

 

I love feeling really attracted to a guy and I have to know him to do that. I mean I can look and think he's good looking but I don't feel any connection. I like that connection as it makes the whole experience far more erotic to me.

 

that's just me though.

[quietgrl]

Has anyone ever considered that in daily life, the people making the most noise get attention? People who are sexually active, advertising, films and other indicators give the impression of rampant sexuality in the world, yet those who are quiet get no notice..except here.

 

When you walk down the street, can you tell who's a virgin? No.

I'm sure they're all around us throughtout the day, and we assume what we will.

 

Some people are lonely, awkward, medically limited, too stressed raising kids or struggling with two jobs and bills to have much of a sexlife.

I was a busy guy for years until my life was abruptly altered, now I sleep alone. I'm not complaining, merely pointing out that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

 

In years past, intolerant people looked down on folks who freely had sex. It's coming full circle. isn't it?

 

Thank Dako for your post!!!Very good point.First we need to realize the internet has REALLY changed our lives when it comes to expressing our sexuality and talking about sex in today society.We never had this type of platform before mid 1990's so we need to keep that in mind.

 

I'm talking to enotalone members over the age of 34 right now .Guys we didn't have the internet in our teenage years and Virgins never talk about their virginity in public shh it was a secret but now due to the internet.These Gen X virgins and younger virgins are speaking out and i think it's wonderful.

 

The problem in 2006 is nonvirgin adults aren't use to hearing what virgins have to say but get use to it.Virgins alway had to listen and watch the casual sex or sexwithout commimtment point of view on TV,magazine and movies. Virgin( oh my gosh) are portray terribly on Tv and movies and you wonder why some virgin feel nonsupported.

 

Well now sex with commitment virgins and nonvirgin are now saying move over.We want our point of view respected and heard too.We're not prudes,freaks,strange,"conservative" for waiting for the "right" person for outercourse or intercourse. Another point,Some virgins can't date the opposite sex due to virgin stererotypes and that's why some virgins lose their virginity before thier time.

 

So everybody needs to keep these points in mind.

[Siriana]

Conservative. Nope.

This is called e not alone. people with problems come here and it is nice too know that standards on this forum are high. I think that the main mission of this forum is not funny chit chat and making jokes, but giving mature and reasonable advices.

The fact is that this is not a sex forum, but that it is just a small part of the site where people post if they have insecurities and problems.

For some light, "modern" sex talk I bet there are better places on the net, but here you can expect to get normal friendly advice on other topics. Sex forum is not the most important part of this forum.

 

About beeing prude - it is better not to give a 15 year old techincal advices about sex, isn't it? Talk about safe sex is o.k., or giving a sane and normal perspective on what sex is and represents (at the same time taking into account that you are talking with a kid). If you were a parent and you found out that someone is giving a pricise description to your 15 year old how to have sex, how to get in easier, how to give a blowjob to a boy from her school, how to have sex with 2 boys at the same time....would you be happy.

If someone tells me that he or she's beeing a virigin at 30 - no way I will judge that. I woan't think that it is a wise decision - but who am I to question beliefs of another person? Like mine opinion is the only one that counts? I can't say that there are rules where, when and how to have sex. If someone wants to wait until mariagge I am cool with that, also I am cool with someone who likes anal. And I didn't wait till mariagge and I never could, and I hate anal and I don't want to practise it. But I have a right to choose so has everyone else.

[Daddy Bear]

I think that the main mission of this forum is not funny chit chat and making jokes, but giving mature and reasonable advices.

let's not denigrate the medicinal power of laughter here. as i understand the eNotAlone mission, it is to be a place where people can find advice and support. not all who come here have questions about sexuality or relationships. many are simply lonely, frustrated and bored, and interspersed with their desire to help others is a real need for solace, camaraderie and temporary escape from their sometimes grinding and dreary lives. for them, a light-hearted, friendly conversation and a healthy daily chuckle are precisely what the doctor ordered. i, for one, intend to see that these needs are met.

[AwdreeHpburn]

OK - seriously...

 

come on.

 

Ash, I totally get what you're saying - I think I get the point and in my personal opinion and daily life, I agree with you.

 

BUT...(here it comes) To each his own, right? I mean, what's the point of coming on a relationship forum and "calling it like you see it" ??

 

To me, it would be like if I were to go out to a religious forum/chat site meant for people of various religious backgrounds and say, "Come on! Are you kidding me!? Are there still people who buy into this crap?!"

 

Who cares? What's the point?

 

So there are people who are conservative sexually. Good.

 

So there are voyaurists? (sp?) Good.

 

So there are virgins and those a lot more experienced. What the heck? I don't get what the point of saying it is. Were you trying to evoke a response, call people names or point out deficiences?

 

I'm not entirely trying to be crass - I just honeslty feel like the point is lost on me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

let's not denigrate the medicinal power of laughter here. as i understand the eNotAlone mission, it is to be a place where people can find advice and support. not all who come here have questions about sexuality or relationships. many are simply lonely, frustrated and bored, and interspersed with their desire to help others is a real need for solace, camaraderie and temporary escape from their sometimes grinding and dreary lives. for them, a light-hearted, friendly conversation and a healthy daily chuckle are precisely what the doctor ordered. i, for one, intend to see that these needs are met.

 

 

 

And you do a dern good job Bendy!!

[Daddy Bear]

that's nice of you to say, poopykins. you're one of the people who keep a smile on MY face.

[AwdreeHpburn]

that's nice of you to say, poopykins. you're one of the people who keep a smile on MY face.

 

Come on Bendah - don't be so conservative. Tell me how you REALLY feel.....

[Daddy Bear]

Come on Bendah - don't be so conservative.

 

see? you made me laugh right there. you know i'm about as conservative as Andy * * * *.

 

oops, make that "Andy Penis".

[AwdreeHpburn]

sfjddd fh doifs jdf ozjckv

 

Oh migoodness!!

 

I couldn't even type right there cos I was laughing so hard!!!

 

Try using RICHARD as a substitute for that word - instead of Penis. As in Richard Cranium....