I cant believe I Stuffed up

[carameldreams]

Ive been engaged 7months and I have had a male friend in my life for over 18months...

 

He's been around alot more, there was history there between us but i never acted on it then I met my fiance... My friend popped back in my life a few months ago. Was good to hear from him, then he made it clear he had unfinished business with us. He tried kissing me and I backed off and said cya later... He apologised. I accepted that and left it at that. He invited me to his house we hung out and chatted like friends do all was good.. The he invited me over again this time he kissed me... tried to stop it but he wouldnt let it be hed stop for 5mins then go at it again... I wanted it just as much as he did was it worth it? yes and know thats horrible and would I do it again? NO WAY!!!!! My partner cheated on me and i know what it does to a person which is why i cant comprehend why i did it...

 

I feel so bad... Feel free to call me what you want... nothing will make me feel any worse

 

Should I tell my partner what happened?

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

No - don't burden him with that. That is yours to bear.

 

But if you have doubts about the relationship you should not get married.

 

If you are sure you want to marry your fiancé - cut this friend out of your life.

[yeawutever]

No, don't say a word about it, it was only a kiss, so why bother telling?? However, if you plan on doing this again, then now it would be a good time to tell him. For now, cut his friend out of your life.

[freedom]

I dont believe it is just a kiss. A kiss always means something otherwise we would all be doing it and not thinking twice about it.

As all the other poster say, it is you burden to carry, your mistake you live with it.

I agree with DN, don't get married if you arenot sure, what is the point?

and if you are going to get married cut ALL ties with this 'friend' because there is no such thing as unfinished Business, if your 'friend' didnt act on it in the past then it is finished business because you have moved on. It is his loss.

I would end the 'friendship' with this friend because he didnt respect you or the relationship that you are in now. What make you think that he will respect you if you decide to be with him?

To me this guy is not worth the second thought because all his actions are about himself. As far as i see nothing you have discribed has indicated that he was thinking bout you.

At this point you are confused because of him. I think you should remove him from the picture and think IF you really want to get married at all.

[suresuresure]

was it worth it? yes...nothing will make me feel any worse

Nothing could make you feel any worse? How about if you used that dusty old organ in your skull and realized maybe the kiss wasn't worth it...which you would absolutely feel if you gave a crap about the guy you're with.

 

And if you truly see the kiss as having been worthwhile, what honestly would stop you from doing it again? You seem to be all talk and no spine, quite frankly. If that's the case, please do him a favor and break up with him right now, I'm begging you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i would say do NOT tell your fiance becuase it was kissing and didn't go farther. the guilt is yours to bear, and it will hopefully flair up everytime you even *think* about doing such a thing again, and stop you.

 

getting engaged can put a lot of pressure on people becuase they start thinking about the permanency of marriage and wonder if they should have 'shopped' more before deciding on their partner. so incidents like this are not uncommon, and either make the person decide they really do love their fiance and were stupid to even dally with someone else, or else they realize they really have strong feelings for other people still, more strong than one should feel if they are marrying someone else, and maybe the engagement should be postponed/broken until those feeling are resolved.

 

so don't focus on the guilt, focus on your feelings for your fiance and this other person and really take a hard look at your motivations for the kissing... what were you trying to get out of that? are you having doubts about your fiance, or marriage in general? do you think this guy you kissed woudl be a better husband for you than your fiance? were you just thinking you were ready to be faithful yet? had you drunk too much and let your inhibitions down? this guy could really like you, but he could also be one of those players who likes to 'score' women, especially engaged/marriaged women because he gets a kick out of trespassing on some other guy's territory, a sport for him. you could get unengaged to your finance, then this guy dump you or say he wasn't serious, so think carefully before you act.

 

Engagement is a 'test run' period where you try on for size the idea that you are committing your life to someone else... if you are finding what you are trying on (your fiance) is NOT what you want, then the kissing episode may be a sign you need to break your engagement before it goes any further. but if you really enjoy your fiance and want to get married, but just had a moment of panic/cold feet etc. that really wasn't related to him (or the other guy) personally, you might have acted out your stress at preparing for a wedding with that kiss, and now realize losing your fiance is not worth fooling around.

 

the last thing i woudl say is if you are serious about the marriage, then don't put yourself in ANY compromising situations with other men. if you know you're attracted to someone, don't go to his house alone, or accept invitations to dinner etc. even when married, people still find other people attractive, they aren't dead and attractions happen, but the trick is to make sure those attractions never go anywhere, and to in fact avoid and STOP seeing someone who might entice you to cheat...

 

so i'd file this one under lesson learned, don't do it again, and suck up the guilt and decide whether you are ready to marry your fiance or not, and talk to him about *that*, not the kiss itself... a big guilty confession just might get you dumped, and he might not even believe that the action stopped with just a kiss if you are acting very guilty and carrying on about it!

[AwdreeHpburn]

caramel - welcome. I feel bad for you. I do. Feeling like you deserve to be called names...

 

Look - sounds to me like you had some un-explored or un-resolved issues with this guy and either wanted to be sure there was nothing or wanted to see if there was still something.

 

Either way, you feel racked and you should resolve it as DN said. Try to figure out if its this guy you want to be with or if you have indeed moved past him.

 

The choice is yours whether or not you feel you shold tell your fiance. I would not discourage honesty, but I believe as the others, if you do not because you choose to stay with him, that may be best....

[Rabican]

My advice to you is to NEVER EVER even so much as speak to your 'friend' Hes not your friend. Trust me he isnt. He knows you are in a relationship, and he is willing to sacrifice that, whatever you have with your SO, so that he can get some. That puts him at the very bottom of the barrel if you ask me. It shows complete lack of class, character, respect, morals etc. etc. I could go on. Suffice to say your friend is crap for pursuing you... where does that leave you for cheating on your man while you are engaged... dont get me started. Either end it with your fiance, and tell him that he deserves better.... or realize that you made a mistake and NEVER do anything like it again. Start being a good woman to him, and dont tell him what you did. Swallow the guilt and just move on and try to be good to him if he is good to you.

[caro33]

Completely agree. This is terrific advice, I would take it very seriously.

 

But caramel, don't be too hard on yourself for what has happened - take it as the sign you have stuff going on that you need to sort out. Engagement is truly a testing time - I was married a week ago and have gone from doubting and worrying to now being all in love and relaxed. Did a fair bit of sabotaging before I got here though. I have had different experience to you I'm sure, but if it helps to talk through doubts etc in the engagement period feel free to PM me anytime.

[New_Horizons]

Whether you tell your fiance or not is your choice - but I don't agree with those who say it's "only" kissing. We can't measure cheating on a scale of 1 to 10. A kiss with one person is definitely cheating, having sex with ten people is also cheating. As one person pointed out, kissing is not an ordinary thing, or we would all be kissing each other like shaking hands.

 

I don't know what your fiance is like but if I was your fiance, and if I found out 20 years down the road, I would find it impossible to trust you again. You might want to consider that possibility. Telling him now is better than him finding out later.

 

And yes, a guilty confession might get you dumped, but this is preferable to being dishonest to your partner.