perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Ok so basically my boyfriend, Brendan, has a HUGE anger problem. He gets into a lot of fights, both with his family members, friends, and anyone that rubs him or someone he loves the wrong way. I am trying to think of a way to motivate him to stay out of trouble. We are both fairly competitive people so i thought for every day he stays out of trouble i have to do 50 push ups, if he gets in trouble he has to do 50 push ups. I've also thought if he gets in trouble he can't touch me the remainder of the day. Does anyone have any ideas to keep him out of trouble? I don't want to be his mom, but his mom isn't a very good one and her way of correcting him is yelling at him at the top of her lungs and telling him hes corrupted and worthless, which is SOOOO not true! I'm open to ANY suggestions, thanks so much! Jewels Link to comment
AngelEyez Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 What exactly does he do to get himself into trouble? Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 Ok, well the most recent thing was, a guy had been harassing me at school and Brendan noticed I would act differently when the guy came anywhere near me. He asked me what was wrong and I eventually gave in and told him. He ended up waiting by my locker for him because they guy said he wanted to meet him today to fight him. I showed up and asked him what was going on and he told me he was going to find out where he was supposed to go. I just calmly asked him why he wanted to know and said because I want to know where I'm supposed to go. I just said that there is no poin in knowing if you aren't going. He wouldn't leave so I got frustrated and through his jacket at him and walked off really quickly. He ended up following(just as i planned). We got out to the bus stop and he just kept telling me he wasn't going to fight him I just kind of blew him off. There is another guy in school that has threatened to kill him, myself and a few other friends and we know given the oppertunity he will so Brendans has carried a kickblade to school. Which is not a problem because I now have it and won't give it back. I just need him to not get in another fight or trouble because if he gets in another fight he will get to PRISON. If he gets in trouble at school he will have to go to an alternative school and he'll get grounded longer. Link to comment
AngelEyez Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Tell him to set his priorities straight. If he wants a happy life with you, he'll avoid trouble. I'd suggest anger-management. It can help him. Has he tried that yet? Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 No, but there's really no way for me to be able to give him that option. I can control his anger, but then I feel like his mom and I know he doesn't like that. I've tried to tell him that if something is wrong to tell the assistant principle then he will get in trouble and he can sit on the sidelines and laugh but of course then he doesn't get the sensation of hitting him. I don't know what else to tell him, I just have to watch him really carefully. I'm hoping that if i can give him a motivation then it will retrain his mind to take his anger out in a positive way, like my ex had the same problem and I knew when he was mad because he would just randomly drop down and start doing push ups. I don't know if that will for him. I think I'm going to just have to ask him to help me help him, ya know? Tell him to tell me how to help him, ya think? Link to comment
AngelEyez Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 That's a good idea. It's a decent offer. How old is he anyways? Link to comment
New_Horizons Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 I'm so glad I'm not in Hell-School anymore...I mean high school. Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 Sixteen. Honestly, I think a lot of it is his mom. I'm at his house and they are, at the moment, yelling at the top of there lungs. He was calmly talking to her but she started yelling so he did too. It really isn't that big of a deal, what they're arguing about. They're arguing about him turning in his coaching badge. He helps his mom coach his little sisters soccer team but at todays game he was coaching(like he's supposed to) and his mom turned around and said "this is MY team you need to just sit down and shut up". He got mad and said that he was going to turn in his coaching badge, now they are arguing about it. Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 Haha, I like high-school, except this part lol. Link to comment
AngelEyez Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 His family problems may be causing his aggression. He believes that he needs to compete with his mom. He yells back because he wants to win the argument. He has learned from his mom that anger and maybe violence can solve problems. It's learned behaviour, although he can unlearn this, it will be very hard. He will have to realize this himself. I've had the same problems. My mom would constantly yell at me, even with minor things. She would burst out yelling, "YOU AREN'T USING A COASTER ON MY NEW COFFEE TABLE! DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S BELONGINGS? WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR OWN HOUSE, YOU CAN WRECK YOUR FURNITURE, BUT NOT IN MY HOUSE." It got so frustrating that she would use her voice, just to yell at me because my drinking cup was on her table. I would yell back because she was being unreasonable. Then she told my dad that I yelled at her. She acted pretty much like a child. It still happens even though I'm 19 years old, but now I'm severely depressed, so she's mellowed out on the yelling. I think with age, his mom will stop making him angry, but that doesn't mean he won't stop being violent. Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 So in other words there's nothing I can do? Link to comment
New_Horizons Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Angeleyes makes a good point. My dad has an anger problem and sometimes (like 2-3 times a year) we've had ear-splitting shouting matches and very nearly came to blows because each of us was trying to win the argument. If my mom hadn't intervened we would have to come to blows. But we still have a good relationship. Go figure Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 Yeah, they don't have a good relashionship, and what scares me is that his little sister looks up to him. Right now she is huddled in my lap trying to block out the yelling. I think I'm about to go in there and point that out, this is getting rediculous, there is no reason that they can not TALK about this rationally and if I have to I will sit there like I usually do and help them talk because his mom isn't old enough to keep her son under control. Then she asks me why her kids respect me more than her, hmm, I dont know maybe because I TALK to them and not yell. But yeah, I think I'm going to go give them a piece of mine and the six year olds mind, this pointless. Link to comment
Luck of the Irish Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Ok, well the most recent thing was, a guy had been harassing me at school and Brendan noticed I would act differently when the guy came anywhere near me. He asked me what was wrong and I eventually gave in and told him. He ended up waiting by my locker for him What is wrong with this? This is a quality that most men don't seem to have anymore. Link to comment
robowarrior Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Tell him that he should NEVER grab towards violence, it only leads to problems. The mother is unable to properly educate her child. She needs a child psychologist in order to learn how to respond calmly to her son no matter what the situation. You should always remain calm and intervene as soon as possible to prevent further escalation. However this would most likely bring your own health in jeapardy. Honestly if i where you i would do the for you unthinkable and that is to leave this guy. Saying something like im afraid of you and your anger issues, i want you to get help, because im scared you will unleash your anger at me one day. How is it that you can avoid fights/angry situations, and that he has to deal everyday with it. Could his attitude and most likely faulty parental education be on the basis of this? If it where me id be out, a bf might be nice and you oh so love him and you probably mistaked his anger issues with being cool and all ,its not cool when he ends up in prison, its not cool when he indirectly brings your life into danger. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Anger is a primitive emotion that has a heavy component of frustration in it... it sounds like he doesn't know how to express a full range of emotions, so it just goes straight to anger. He can't live his life this way, or he *will* end up injured or injuring someone and most likely in jail... you cannot follow him around everywhere he goes trying to control him like a rabid pit bull off a lease... so the *only* answer here is he needs to get some counseling to talk about all his frustrations that are boiling up as anger. he needs to learn other skills like negotiation to express himself to others and defuse the situation. and if he is starting to carry a knife, this thing is escalating way out of control and lots of people could get hurt, you included. you can take a knife away from him, but he can always get another, very easily. or get arrested found concealing a weapon on school property (or elsewhere). (and you too if you're carrying it). the other question is, is he taking any kinds of drugs? some drugs will make peope enraged, and the only way to stop that is to stop the drugs. he could also have a form of depression which manifests itself as excess anger, so all roads lead to going to see a doctor/counselor to try to help him out. he also should channel his feelings into sports or other activites that work it off rather than encourage confrontations with other people. and last, please do not take his anger as harmless towards you. if he gets angry with you, he could start abusing your or even seriously injure you. this does not sound like 'harmless' situation, it sounds like it needs professsionals to deal with it... Link to comment
AngelEyez Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Don't intervene between him and his mom. Does he actually know he has an anger problem? You said, "Ok, well the most recent thing was, a guy had been harassing me at school and Brendan noticed I would act differently when the guy came anywhere near me. He asked me what was wrong and I eventually gave in and told him. He ended up waiting by my locker for him." This seems perfectly normal. When I was out with my boyfriend there were these two guys saying stuff and waving at me. My boyfriend got really ticked off because he said, "What the eff? Those guys are hitting on you, and they obviously know I'm your boyfriend because I'm holding your hand." I told him to ignore it, but I know he wanted to do something about it. We ended up walking away and he got really upset =/. It's okay for your boyfriend to be angry, but not to that extent. His mom is putting a lot of stress on him. He is a good guy, but you need to tell him that he needs to deal with his anger problems. You can't really bribe him not to be angry. All you can really do is remind him that you love him. He may sometimes think his mom doesn't love him because of the constant yelling. She may not even say it enough to him. So you can say it instead. Link to comment
rmpavlock Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 If he has anger problems, he needs help. Does he want to work on this problem? If he does, he should do everything in his power to fix it. Being angry all the time will only lead to heartache down the road. A lot of it probably does come from his mom. However, you shouldn't be constantly dealing with the stress of worrying when your boyfriend's next blow up will be. I would set the record straight. He needs to get help for this or you will walk. It's great that you want to stand by him, but if you end up finding that the bad outweighs the good, you need to think of yourself and what's right for you. Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 he knows that it is getting out of control. i didnt intervene but i did tell both of them after they shut up that it was rediculous that they cant talk like mature adults and that his mother is just as immature as he is. i have told him that it is out of control and he has agreed with me. im not going to leave him over this, im sorry but everyone is giving up on him and i think if he just had someone that cared it would help a lot. he has promiced me he wont carry another knife and he has carried through with his promice. i have told him that its nice that he is trying to take care of me and protect me but he needs to do it in a positive productive way. i know he can negotiate and express himself positively because he has done it before. we had to write an essay for ROTC on why we dont be quiet when told and he basically i guess you can say he cussed the people over us out with out actually cussing them out. i think if i can just break his train of thought, point out what he is doing then maybe he can redirect his anger... i dont know im just thinking. i know for a fact he will not go see a counselor, he hates them, much like me. i guess the good sign is that it is possible to calm him down before he actually gets into a fight. the first day we started going out his friend and i ended up locking him in a truck long enough for me to get his attention, so at least when he's mad it is possible to break his train of thought, yes? Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 could him being bipolar have anything to do with his behavior? i thought he was medicated for it but im not for sure. Link to comment
AngelEyez Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Being bipolar can be a large problem. Ask him if he's taking medications. Link to comment
rmpavlock Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 The only person who can make him better is himself. Caring for him is great, but he needs to do the work. You can't do it for him. He needs to do his part. I hope everything works out. Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 im going to ask him if he takes meds, i thought he did but im not sure. im thinking that if gets in trouble then he wont be able to touch me for 2 days... but that might punish me more than him lol Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 i talked to him and he said that he feels like im trying to change him. which i guess i kind of am but im not doing it because i dont like who he is, i just dont want to see him in more trouble than hes already in, is that wrong? how can i help him and not make it seem like im changing him?? Link to comment
Momene Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I wouldn't blame you if you WERE trying to change him. I see anger as a huge red flag in any relationship and were I looking for a new relationship, I would avoid anyone with anger problems. Link to comment
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