Do I have the right to confront her?

[Hannahleh]

So my boyfriend's ex introduced herself awhile back. She sat next to me in the writing lab at school and I guess recognized my name on the paper I was typing. Anyway, she wasn't mean or anything. She just asked me if I was his girlfriend, and then told me that she was his ex, (We dated for like, a year and a half! Doesn't that seem like forever? Blahblahblah.) and asked how we were doing. She said she called him once in a long while, just to 'make sure he wasn't dead or in jail or something.' Anyway, the whole thing didn't bother me too much, she was a little intimidating but eh. So I asked him about it, and he says she drives him crazy. The other day when I mentioned it he showed me his phone and there was three missed calls from her just in the last week. He says if I see her I should tell her to stop wasting his time...

 

Anyway, I don't think she sees him since he's out of school and everything, but it still bothers me-- she has a sexy, graduated boyfriend already anyway, so why can't she leave mine alone? I know I'm probably just a little threatened, but don't I have the right to be? And now he tells me that she was talking about getting a job where we both work... argh. Do I have the right to this girl out? Or is it not worth getting worked up over? It's not a question of trusting him, it's more a question of her getting on my nerves. Anyone been in the situation?

[AngelEyez]

I've never been in your situation, but I think this girl is a bit jealous of you, even if she does have a sexy graduated boyfriend. She had once been in your boyfriends arms, right? It looks like she's in some competition, although she shouldn't be because she has a boyfriend. You have the right to feel threatened, but you shouldn't be because to your boyfriend, she's old news. She wants you to compete with her and get threatened! That's the thing. If you show that you're threatened, her plan is working. It's best to ignore the whole situation and "pretend" nice. If she starts working with you, pretend nice too. She is just trying to make you jealous...didn't she start babbling about how she went out with him for a year? Heck, I'd be ticked off in your situation too. She seems like a sleeze-bag to me.

[Relationship Coach]

Next time you see her ask her if her graduated sexy BF knows that she's been calling your BF?

 

Don't send a message that you are jealous, send a message that your BF is open with you about her calls and she poses no threat to your relationship, it's her own that may be in trouble.

 

RC

[AngelEyez]

Good idea!!! If she starts talking with you, ask her, "Is there something you wanted from my boyfriend. He told me he missed 3 of your calls. Any important message I can relay to him?" Be nice about this. Then she'll get confused, is this girl trying to be my friend? or not? If she likes to compete, be prepared for more. Don't quit until she does.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there are lots of messed up people in this world... she could be still pining for him and hoping he is free again and hanging on when she should just go away, or she could be someone who can't stand to see any of her former 'possessions' (boyfriends) owned by anyone else because she has a jealousy problem, or she could be a potentially serious stalker who doesn't take no for an answer.

 

so you have to approach this from the most benign position first, ie., maybe she still has a thing for you boyfriend and wants him back. but that means it is up to HIM to clearly tell her he is not interested, and to quit calling because he is happy with you.

 

If she continues to call or bother him (or you), go to the next level and tell her that her behavior is really inappropriate and she needs to get some counseling to address why she is bothering people who have told her to leave them alone.

 

and if she is really psycho and still doesn't stop, then you get the campus police or restraining order, whatever.

 

but most likely, she is down at level 1 or 2, hoping to get him back as a boyfriend, or toying with both of you becuase she can't accept that she's been rejected and is working out her anger about that... but she needs to be told very clearly by your boyfriend to go away, and the same by you if she talks to you again.

 

if she gets a job where you work, this is actually an EASIER problem. just ignore her and go about your business, and if you hear she is saying/doing anything at work that approaches stalking behavior, go to your supervisor or HR and explain the situation, and they will take care of it for you, they don't want ANY kind of trouble at a business, and if she is behaving unprofessionally, they will fire her.

 

just don't let it get to any name calling, WWF female wrestling matches... she could try to provoke something then say YOU were the one who started it because you were jealous of his ex-girlfriend... don't take it as a turf war because you boyfriend sounds very loyal to you and is NOT interested in her attentions. it is more a case of keeping a calm united front that just repeats, he's not interested, we're happy, stop calling, go away. nobody can make you listen to her rants either, next time she approaches, just state your case once calmly, then walk away and refuse to engage in any more conversation with her, end of story.

[AwdreeHpburn]

i've totally been there Hannah. What I did was became her friend. Made her sympathetic to my plight and then she didn't feel like being mean to me anymore. She started "looking out" for me.

 

It wasn't a deep or long lasting friendship of anything but it served its purpose.

 

Like the old saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer....