How to confront without getting caught spying!

[savigota]

Hi everyone:

 

Yesterday I was looking for a number in my husband's cellphone and saw that he called a friend of mine (they met by me ,but I did not like the vibe she had so backed off from our friendship and asked him not to see her since we were not friends any more). she once hooked him up with a business contact from her office and thats as far as their relation goes (as far as i know), well, we have been having some minor problems (me feeling neglected) and dont ask me why but this morning i couldn't help it and i checked his phone to see who he had called. To my surprise her name was deleted from the dialed calls. To me that is very suspicious.... why would he erase only that call in particular?

 

How can i confront him without accepting that i have been checking his cellphone? I can't believe he would lie like this... If he has done it once, i can't imagine how many more time!

 

I'm so upset!

[annie24]

uh oh.... this doesn't sound good.... this plus your husband's lack of interest in sex.... hm.... not good.

 

there is a book, "Never be lied to again" by David Lieberman. It has some good tips for sussing out the truth.

[savigota]

he's slepping here next to me and i can't stand it.. he's such a liar! What do I tell him, I can't sleep like this I have a knot in my throat...

[DN]

Don't be accusing him about anything until you know the facts. Since she once helped him with a business contact it is possible the call had to do with business and he didn't tell you because of what happened before.

[savigota]

if there is nothing wrong with the call why erase it?

[DN]

Because you might see it and give him a hard time.

 

You can do one of three things:

 

1. Say nothing and let it fester.

 

2. Confront him in an accusing manner and cause a fight that may destroy your marriage.

 

3. Ask him about it calmly and listen carefully to his answer and see what transpires.

 

I suggest #3.

[brando]

link removed

 

 

try this link. Their is some information in here for you to read which may help you discover if he is lying to you.

 

The other thing is if you reveal to him you looked in his cell phone, you are just as guilty as he. So be careful how you approach this.

[annie24]

Here is a paragraphy from the book, "Never be lied to again." This is the suggested thing he says a wife suspecting her husband of an affair should say:

 

"You know, John, while I'm not thrilled about what was going on behind my back [this phrase is said to gain credibility; starting off with an honest statement makes what follows next more believeable], you should have said something. I could have saved you a lot of sneaking around. Maybe all three of us could get together. It might be fun. All this sneaking around is silly." Wow. he's blown away. He has an incentive for telling the truth that's better than what he was doing on the sly. In other words, he thinks that by coming clean, he'll have more fun doing what he's been doing. If he's not cheating on you, he'll think you're nuts, but you will nonetheless have the truth.

[AngelEyez]

Maybe nothing went on with the call. Don't assume things to be negative. He may have deleted it, so you wouldn't make a big deal about it, because it wasn't a big deal. Maybe, he deleted it because something was going on. You never know. You have the right to confront your husband. Why? Because he hooked up with her a while ago. He's your husband! You have a right to be a concerned wife, do you not? It's only killing you more on the inside thinking about him possibly cheating on you. Talk to him and get the facts.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Yesterday I was looking for a number in my husband's cellphone and saw that he called a friend of mine (they met by me ,but I did not like the vibe she had so backed off from our friendship and asked him not to see her since we were not friends any more). she once hooked him up with a business contact from her office and thats as far as their relation goes (as far as i know

 

Erm, that may be why he deleted the call - because you had told him not to see her again? Just a thought. She might well be a handy business contact, but you've banned him from being in touch.

[savigota]

Sice I couldn't sleep why let him... I was so upset i woke him up and confronted him. As expected we got into a huge fight but at the end he understood that I don't like to be taken for stupid. He said there was nothing going on with the girl and that he didn't know how the called got erased! That it was probably me who did it when I was checking his calls (can you believe this?)

 

Well to make the story short, the fight got worse by the second because I just exploded and let out all that I had been swallowing from a long time (marriage issues). It ended at an ultimatum, either he changed or started talking to me or I was gonna... I wasn't gonna keep myself in a 1 person marriage! II know it sounds drastic and I know that many are gonna probably think that this was a big no no, but believe it or not it was all that i and him needed to finally begin talking. He finally understood why I'm unhappy in the marriage and that his actions don't help (call issue),

 

He asked for a last chance and promised he is gonna make it work so we can be together. Let's hope that this time he is serious about it. Right now I have to think of me and my baby, either this changes or I am out!

 

I kno wI started taking about something and then about another but for those of you who got lost, please read my other post (sexless and sad) so you can catch up with my whole story.

 

Conclusion: We are gonna work in our communication and try to make our marriage work without lying to the other person. He does tell me that he loves me and that there is no one else he is interested in. He is gonna make an effort in not only telling me but demostrating it to me. I am relieved that all this went out in the open, at least I don;t have to be around guessing about his attitude towards me.

 

Today we are going out to spend a special "family day"!

[confused70]

No matter what, you need to confront him. Something similar happened to me. I saw my wife's email to other men. I wanted to wait for something bigger though.. So, I waited and more emails went by. Finally, I waited for a the appropriate fight, and I dumped everything on her. That was the most inappropriate way to handle it. I now feel guilty for not responding immediately and have had low self esteem during the duration. You should respond immediately, but sensibly.