Wandering eye

[Jlizzy]

Due to some turmoil I went through with my ex husband I think i still have a bit of a hangup about faithfullness and relationships...my ex put me through some crap..long story..and actually another ex did too come to think of it. Ie they both in their own ways cheated on me. I think however all things considered I've managed to remain well balanced and not let these experiences destroy me.

 

Anyway..I don't know if it's just my hangups from the past, or that I've now moved in with my boyfriend and am thus spending more time with him to notice such things or that I am actually perceiving this right or a combination of all of the above but I feel like in the past 3 weeks my boyfriend has suddenly developed a wandering eye for women! (Btw it is for these reasons I haven't said anything to my bf as yet..Ie how factual are my perceptions?)

 

Before we could be out, and as aforementioned I am a bit senstive on this topic due to past experiences, and there could be a really cute girl or more walking by and my boyfriend didn't bat an eyelid of turn his head. Now we're out playing pool or whatever I notice him regularly looking over at some skimpy clad girl or a girl with big boobs whilst I'm taking my shot.

 

Then I start playing awfull because I just feel my heart sink and my blood boil...inside it upsets me but I'm doing my best to not show it and to try and rationalise to myself we're all human..my boyfriend loves me but that doesn't stop someone from appreciating a good looking person and sure I look too. However I could never bring myself to look so much in the presense of my partner..despite my liking to sometimes play someone especially my partner at their own game as a last resort, something like this I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. I'd find it too disrespectful and hurtful.

 

To add to it when I was using the computer the other day I was checking through the history for a link I had used myself and it seems he was having himself a field day looking up all kinds of models.

 

I'm not sure if I'm out of line or he. Or both? Again I myself definitely can appreciate a good looking guy and there's things I do that surely would match checking out another girl but I would never do the dirt on my partner ever or intentionally disrespect them in a bad or mean way.

 

What's your opinion on this, on wandering eyes and does a wandering eye have any link with the likihood of a person cheating? I don't understand how suddenly my boyfriend is checking out these other girls.

What annoys me most about it is I feel like we're a couple of 10 years sometimes as opposed to 8 months! I don't feel incredibly sexy his eyes and we spend so much time just slumped on the couch watching tv which annoys the crap out of me and sex at the moment is at best once a week. I want more loving and more variety..I'm trying to figure out too what I should be doing to help this situation. Sometimes I'm not good at pushing for something new. I prefer to be led. I prefer to be passive.

 

You're advice is appreciated

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd say-

 

Sure, it's natural to look at attractive people. They walk past, you will notice them.

 

BUT

 

a) It's one thing to notice, it's quite another to make it obvious to your partner - that''s disrespectful

b) DELIBERATELY looking up people crosses the line. Out in public, of course there are going to be other people around, nothing you can do about it; you didn't ask for it! However, intentionally SEEKING girls etc to look at is wholly different. It's a bit sick, a bit sneaky, a bit disrespectful...go ahead and make a flaming good fuss about it, because I certainly would.

[justpaisley]

Agreed with AntiLove_Superstar, 100%. Some people, myself included, are just people watchers. Honestly, though, he could be a little more subtle about it, you know?

 

But if he's going on the computer looking for people to ogle, that's disrespect in my view. If you don't like it, tell him about it. Work it out with each other. Never hesitate to tell him about the things that hurt your feelings, whether you think you're being coo-coo about it or not.

[Jlizzy]

A- I'm worried to make a fuss because I made a stupid stupid mistake at the 2 month mark of sharing a bed with a mate (who I went back to visit for a week) whom I had travelled with for 3 months and also slept with during the travels. When asked about it I told my boyfriend the truth. Part of it btw to make it clear being that I never cheated but rather than have the hassles of seeking and paying for accommodation and trying to make arrangements with my mate or sleeping on a hard floor and the critique I would get from my mate, I stupidly chose to share the bed and as you can imagine my boyfriend was really hurt about this and so the relationship has been wrought with many a problem since this stupid mistake of mine.

 

Last point: I have a hearing problem which makes me a highly visual person. Eg I find it immensely difficult to take a shot at pool if someone is at the other end moving their arms or whatever...so am I just being overly perceptive? I definitely noticed however about 40 probably more like 50% of the time when I was taking shots last night at pool my boyfriend was looking over to the table behind me where there was a woman big big boobs on show playing!

[justpaisley]

Did your boyfriend ever forgive you for sharing a bed with your friend? If he has, it should be a non-issue, and you should both move on. If he's forgiven you, you can't be afraid to stand up for yourself when it comes to things that bug you because you made a mistake a long time ago. If he hasn't forgiven you, you've got more things to work on than his wandering eye.

 

And yes, the staring at Chesty McBoobs was disrespectful. If he's on a date with you, he should be concentrating on you. I'd allow one or two sidelong glances, because if she was putting them on display, natural human curiosity dictates that we look, but looking constantly or staring is disrespectful. If I'd noticed my husband doing that, I'd have walked out of the bar and he wouldn't have been seeing my boobs for a good long time.

[Jlizzy]

Paisley -he claims to be past it and it hasn't been spoken about now for a good while but I am not convinced myself he has gotten over it. We're now 6 months further. I've really tried to do whatever necessary to aid him in getting past it...ie by apologising, and talking with him about it if he wanted and answering any questions he had and trying to be sweet for him and show him my appreciation. Now I feel a bit taken for granted.

[Batya33]

I think wandering eyes are basically understandable but disrespectful if done in front of your bf/gf/spouse unless for some (odd) reason he or she is comfortable with that.

[doyathink]

My husband does this too. It hurts and it eats away your self esteem. We have a slue of marriage problems because of this and the insecurity it has caused me.

[Rabican]

Let me explain something to you, men look. Yup, that sums it up. A girl with a big rack walks by, we look, we peak, we may stare or ogle, we may even drool. The only difference is how obvious we are about it, and wether or not we get caught by our gf. This isnt just me, its ALL MEN. Its in our dna. I think. I try to be very respectful of my gf in this regard, i try hard NOT to look when im with her. Every so often shell still catch me looking over there... 'oh i was just ah.... uhm ya looking at the wall over there'

 

If hes being a jerk and STARING while you are right there, or if hes making comments about a girl that walks by, then you have yourself a jerk for a bf. If he just 'looks' congratulations, you are dating a man.

 

Dont make such a big deal about it.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It's NOT all men, don't lie. It's just SOME men. Like the previous poster.

 

It's a flaming big deal. I don't put up with it, and no one else should either. And yes, I have a successful longterm relationship with a guy.

[Rabican]

It's NOT all men, don't lie. It's just SOME men. Like the previous poster.

 

It's a flaming big deal. I don't put up with it, and no one else should either. And yes, I have a successful longterm relationship with a guy.

 

You are telling me its a big deal to casually LOOK at another girl? I can think of a lot of things that are a big deal in a relationship, cheating, using drugs, abuse, excessive drinking, lying, innapropriate flirting... im thinking that LOOKING ranks right up there at the bottom of the list. Now it CAN be bad, like I said, if its excessive, or obvious, done disrespectfully... ie staring/ drooling right in front of your girl.

 

But if Im standing there and my girl happens to look at another guy who is say jogging down the street.... im not going to get bent out of shape over that. Now if she turns around and trips over the curb in her attempt to stare... then ya ill get mad.