update on me being wrong and him impossible

[blondebombshelter]

I'm so frigging angry and just need to vent. Can you believe, after all the advice I got to let this stupid thing go, I actually called him again this evening, he didn't pick up, and clearly isn't going to call back!! I could kick myself, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

I'm so pissed off!! He's nearly 40, for crying out loud! If our problems with misunderstanding are enough to make him move on, fine, I accept that, but it's just IMMATURE to refuse to pick up the phone or return calls. Why is he doing that? It's not like I'm aggressive or emotional or anything. I truly am not - he's never had to deal with any emotional stuff from me, I'm very laid back about all this sort of thing. On the surface, anyway.

 

It's just so frustrating, having this unresolved.

 

I don't understand how he can just let the whole thing hang. Is he deliberately making a decision to let me stew (it's working) by not talking to me? Or am I the last thing on his mind right now, and when he sees my number coming up, he really can't be bothered answering it?

[newvenus]

I don't know your story but I was feeling the same way just days ago until I read a book called "Men who can't love -- committmentphobia -- by Carter". The book saved my life! Give it a try and I'm 100% sure that you'll thank him for not calling you.

[charliepapa]

he is being rude, getting all you emotions stirred and you are getting addicted to it. Um it might be that he is not interested in you or it could be that he is playing games with you. Either way - he wins.

 

[phillygal]

It sound's like he is playing games. He acted upset when you didn't call him in the past consistently, but now you are calling him constantly and he's not returning your calls. You've apologised for anything u might have done to him, what more does he want?

 

The sad thing is that he is 40. If he has a problem with you, he should be man enough to tell you, instead of acting so childish. I mean you guys were intimate and you've known him for a year. You definitely just need to forget about him and stop putting so much energy into this loser. Trust me, out of the blue he'll call you, and of course he'll act like nothing ever happenend. So pathetic.

[blondebombshelter]

Yep, that's a pattern as well... out of the blue will call and act like nothing's wrong. Stupid me, I'm too blase and laid back about it, I will get over it by that time that happens and he'll get away with it!

 

I'm just soooo confused by the whole thing. To be fair, he does have a very busy job which involves lots of talking on the phone.

 

He says he's not committment phobic, just hasn't met anyone he loved enough to marry.

 

Yes, he is playing games, I"m not sure if they're deliberate or not, but it's working, I am getting addicted to this rollercoaster. He certainly has won this round.

 

The ironic thing is, I was completely indifferent to him at the start, he's wormed his way into my head now and it's going to be hard to get past it. I have no idea whether

a: this is a deliberate tactic to manipulate my emotions (I find that a bit hard to believe, men don't do that stuff, do they??)

b: he is actually indifferent to me and just

acts

as if he's interested (but why stay around so long?)

c: he's playing several women (in that case he's so deceptive he must be psychotic and I'll end up in pieces in his freezer one day *joke* )

d: he really is overwhelmedly busy and doesn't realise that not returning calls for so long (a week) is so hurtful.

 

Anyway, thankyou for your responses, it's getting it out of my system writing it down and knowing someone out there cares enough to write a response, I feel better already. And based on my experiences with this guy, I could make my fortune writing "the definitive guide for men on how to get a woman hooked"! ](*,)

[Lady Bugg]

Blonde:

 

Hi. I know how you're feeling. Been there. As you said...this guy is amost 40 years old. He knows the right and wrong way to behave in a relationship. He ALSO knows how to be courteous and return phone calls. To think ANYthing else would be very unwise on your part. You called him...left messages...apologized etc etc etc.....and HE has made the choice to NOT respond. THAT is ALL you need to know.

 

Picking this apart is ONLY going to drive you insane. I know it's easy to rationalize things in your position "Maybe he really IS too busy".........NO...there are 24 hours in a day...it only takes 30 seconds to pick up the phone and make a phone call. If he is THAT busy he can have someone ELSE call for him. Point is...if someone wants to call you, they will find a way. Period. This guys silence is speaking volumes...because look how it is making YOU respond.

 

You have a choice. You can let this guys insane immaturity, and lack of respect drive you mad...or YOU can take the bull by the horns here and not play this ridiculous game. Believe me.....he KNOWS what he is doing. It is NO accident..or coincidence.

 

Personally..I would write him off for now..and if he DOES come come back..

I would definetely proceed with extreme caution. It's up to you ultimately...

you certainly deserve better for yourself than this.

[charliepapa]

I could make my fortune writing "the definitive guide for men on how to get a woman hooked"! ](*,)

 

Please. I know people women have lied women they say women want polite men.

 

](*,)

[bighair]

Hi Blondie -

 

I feel your pain! I have been there...dealing with men who are passive aggressive, or just passive...or just LAME!!!!! Look, it sounds like this guy made a huge issue of the phone call thing on purpose perhaps as a way of finding a way out of dating you....or he is houdini and this is his disappearing act. it could be speculation...but, whatever happened btw. you guys doesn't warrant this kind of behavior.

 

blah blah....DON'T CALL HIM ANYMORE!!! Please don't do it. Easier said than done...I've been there... but, why keep calling him when he has the intimacy problem?? It's not you...it's not your fault...you did nothing wrong.

 

Sorry! Keep writing.

[blondebombshelter]

I can't call him any more, even if I wanted to ... I've deleted his number!

 

There's definitely something that didn't add up about this guy, anyway. He was a puzzle, and no matter what way I put it together, there were pieces that didn't fit.

 

I think what hurts is that I believed he had strong feelings for me, but clearly he didn't. So I haven't really lost anything, I've just woken up to reality.

 

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!?!

[CharmedphoenixRising]

I can't call him any more, even if I wanted to ... I've deleted his number!

There's definitely something that didn't add up about this guy, anyway. He was a puzzle, and no matter what way I put it together, there were pieces that didn't fit.

I think what hurts is that I believed he had strong feelings for me, but clearly he didn't. So I haven't really lost anything, I've just woken up to reality.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!?!

 

 

Thanks for posting this - it's really comforting to know I'm not the only person getting nutty like this. We're rational. And those pieces that just don't add up.I'm in the same boat. It's just hard to move past those intrusive thoughts when you're back to reality.

[blondebombshelter]

Yes, it's the unsolved mysteries that keep the whole thing fresh in your mind for much longer than it normally would be.

 

I feel like I've had to walk out of the movie theatre half way through watching a really intriguing thriller! Or like they never did screen those very last episodes of 'Sex in the City' and left everyone hanging ...

[bighair]

I can't call him any more, even if I wanted to ... I've deleted his number!

 

There's definitely something that didn't add up about this guy, anyway. He was a puzzle, and no matter what way I put it together, there were pieces that didn't fit.

 

I think what hurts is that I believed he had strong feelings for me, but clearly he didn't. So I haven't really lost anything, I've just woken up to reality.

 

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!?!

 

You know...i think he did/does have feelings for you. I think he is also moody...i've noticed this w. commitment phobic men...the whole rel, its pace, the dynamics, are drived by his moods and needs. he is not consistent. don't second guess what went on between you two. that was real.. he has a huge problem w. intimacy...that's why he sucks at having a rel. it's not you.

[blondebombshelter]

He called this morning, after all that

 

I told him I was really angry that he hadn't returned my calls (although of course I'm not angry any more, so he managed to escape the full brunt of my wrath!) ... he said he hadn't called because he had still been angry with me, but that he was over it now, and that it takes him a long time to get over things!!

 

Almost two weeks to get over a simple misunderstanding that I humbly apologised for that was half his fault anyway??

 

At this point I could hardly hear him for the warning bells ringing and the big red flags flapping. Can you imagine how awful this sort of behaviour would be after you were married???

 

I said if he ever did that again that would be IT. Then I launched into my prepared speech about how he said that it would have just taken a simple phonecall, but it's never a simple phonecall with him blah blah. At that point he said he had another call coming in (funny that I didn't hear it ) and that he would call me right back, which he didn't (What a surprise).

 

And of course, now i'm waiting for the call back. I'm not hung up on it or anxious, or anything, but all the same I'm waay-tiinnnng.... And there are no predictable patterns. He could blitz me with calls now (which feels like extra sunshine in my life) or he might leave it several days to call again and all the time I will be waaayyyyy-tiiiing....

 

I have no idea how to proceed. And what to make of him.

 

I've been upfront with him... he used to ask what I wanted in roundabout way I couldn't really answer. But several months ago I told him I wasn't ready for anything serious YET but that if I was I thought it was quite possible we might have a future together.

 

He just refused to tell me anything in return, which I thought was sneaky. I had made it quite clear that under the circumstances he didn't owe me anything, I wouldn't be hurt or angry at anything he might say, but he said he hadn't thought about it and if I wanted to talk, fine, we'd talk, but in person. Of course the next time I saw him I'd forgotten all about it and the talk has never eventuated.

 

If I could just rule him out as a player (which he insists he's not) it would be an easy decision. But a lot of what he does doesn't really add up to that. (Definitely not just in it for the sex. If anyone is, I'm in it for the sex!)

 

You're probably right about the commit. phobe thing... He's seems very self contained... his father and mother separated when he was young and moved overseas and he never had much to do with his father ever again. He once told me he was a bit like his father - a man who could lose contact with his son! I heard the bells then as well!

 

edited to add this:

I think he is also moody...i've noticed this w. commitment phobic men...the whole rel, its pace, the dynamics, are drived by his moods and needs. he is not consistent. don't second guess what went on between you two. that was real.. he has a huge problem w. intimacy...that's why he sucks at having a rel. it's not you.

how true... you've nailed it!

[SarahRose]

I have read your other threads on this and honestly at this point, I would just say good bye to him for good.

 

I don't understand why he was so mad in the first place. He says he will call you, and he doesn't and you make other plans. That is his fault and his loss for not calling. What did he think you would do wait around all week for him to call an hour before you are supposed to get together?

 

Then to give you the silent treatment over nothing is silly at best and a good sign of how life with him would be.

 

The final straw was you telling him how you felt about all this and telling him if he does it again it's over and he makes the lame excuse to get off the phone telling you he'll call you back which once again he does the same thing and doesn't call you back.

 

He is too much work and little payout.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of other lovely men out there who would treat you with the respect you deserve.

[Lady Bugg]

UGH..I agree with Sarah on this. I am tired and all I did was READ it!!!

This guy is WAYYY too much work.....over a ridiculously silly thing.

Wonder if he actually lies on the floor and kicks and screams till his face turns blue when he doesn't get what he wants. Ok that was MEANT to be funny.....but I am partly serious. This guy does NOT sound like someone who can own up to wrongdoing....even AFTER you apologized.

 

I think you're "getting it"...and are finally seeing what life with this guy could potentially be like. Pay attention to those red flags and warning bells. They are there for a reason.

Best of luck!!!

[bighair]

Hi Blondie -

 

How lame! He said he was getting a call and he ddin't call back. Well, he can't handle any kind of conflict...it takes him 2 weeks to get over nothing and he can't handle your feelings on the subject? YOu know that effective communication is essentail for any rel. I'm telling you he can't handle intimacy. Part of being intimate w. your partner is being able to hear what you're saying, accept criticism and somehow try to meet your needs without compromising theirs. Can he do this? Is everything on his terms? He sucks. He's immature. Get rid of him. Sure, the sex is great, but you can find another lover who excels at pleasing you physically and emotionally.

[blondebombshelter]

yeah, but....

 

He did call back after work and he's called twice already today, kind of making up for lost time. He does have a very phone call intensive job, multiple calls backing up.

 

The way he saw it was like this... we did have a date planned, he cancelled all plans and was looking forward to it, I pulled out without even telling him because "something had come up which was more important to me than seeing him". Well, that's his story, and he's sticking to it. He's still suspicious about what I did instead that evening.

 

Now I think about it, I was unintentionally a bit hazy on details about what I was doing instead. I can understand why he perceived me as being evasive and hiding something.

 

Also he said today he's thinking of buying a block of land in the city I live in. Just for an investment, but he hasn't brought property before, it makes me wonder if I should read anything into it. Not long after we met he did say he would consider moving here if we became serious.

 

So maybe I'm generating half of this uncertainty in my own head?

[CharmedphoenixRising]

1) You really did get him upset

2) You're/ He's stringing him on

3) He really did get upset over nothing

 

 

So . . .

 

Can you give yourself 10 real reasons why you want to actually date this guy? (your situation really sounds so much like mine! except he hasn't called yet ;-) )

[blondebombshelter]

1) You really did get him upset

2) You're stringing him on

3) He really did get upset over nothing

4) You're stringing him on

 

Not sure what you mean by this?

[CharmedphoenixRising]

1) You really did get him upset

2) You're/He's stringing him on

3) He really did get upset over nothing

 

QUOTE]

 

Sorry - I think I meant that there was a possibility that you really did get him upset without knowing (because i swear i think guys have PMS too); & he's overreacting.

But your haziness on the details (but you have every right); his saying he'd call and then he doesn't= the stringing.

 

The whole point was the do you have 10 real reasons why you'd want to date him?