Help! Problems w/ my sort-of long distance relationship

[lelou]

This may be long since it is my first time to post about this subject, but I do need help!

 

I have been talking with a guy who I was friends with since we were teens . We started dating about six months ago.

 

The back story is, when he was young at a party, a group of guys jumped his friend. His friend was carrying a gun, and he was not so smart and took it and fired a shot as a warning. However, he ended up hitting one of the guys and got years in jail (the guy is okay). Smart guy who ended up being in the wrong crowd, and regrets that decision every day.

 

Anyway, when he got out, we started talking as friends. I had NO interest in him at all. When we met up, he showed up in a suit w/ flowers and took me to a five star restaurant. He had his stuff more together than any guy I know who I went to college with. He had a nice job and is incredibly smart. So, somehow we started seeing each other, which surprised me. I was scared about my family and friends liking him, but they all think he is great and love him.

 

Now, my problem: He travels a lot with his job. A lot! And his boss is a female who he met before he got out. She has helped him through a lot of stuff and they are real close. She is married and they work for a Christian group, which he emphasizes. But their closeness is amazing. They even say they love each other and have nick names. I didn't mind at first, but then I noticed when they travelled, he barely calls. I'm not even sure if they are doing anything, but it seems like their relationship hinders him from getting closer to me. He definitely talks to her more. It is hard, b/c when I am with him and on the phone it is great. But last weekend, I finally said something after she called him crying b/c she was worried about him since she hadn't heard from him that day (it was only about 2).

 

He got really upset and said he isn't going to change the way they are and wasn't sure he was ready to have a relationship when he met me b/c he had only been out four months, but that it just happened b/c he does care about me so much. We sat on the phone for 3 hours, and we both weren't sure what to do.I told him, all I wanted was for him to be more open with his relationship w/ his boss w/ me and her (it almost seems like he hides me from her even though I eat with his family, friends, etc.) It is so strange. Anyway, we got too tired and he said he didn't want to end the relatinship, but he wasn't even sure how he felt about any relationship at this point. I got upset and said to call me in a few days. The next day he called me at 4 a.m., but I missed the call. We met up the next day, and he went off complimenting me, but we didn't discuss the issue (I should have answered that call Anyway, we hung out and he was super lovey. He said he had stayed up until 7:00 a.m. that night he called me. But then the last few days he has been aloof, and he went on another trip and I didn't hear from him at all yesterday. Am I being paranoid. I am so confused. He is the one who pushes affection, buys me presents, compliments me, asks me to be with his family. I don't get it. (obviously way more details, but this is already long enough) Pretty confusing I know, but any outside help would be much appreciated. This even has my family and friends stumped.

[Meow18]

I don't blame you for being confused. I don't think he really knows what he wants.

 

Honestly, I don't think he cares enough for you. He might care about you, but not in the way you need.

 

I see way too many red flags with this guy. Honestly, I don't think that he's willing to change anything about himself. You need to decide if you want to deal with this. Is it worth it?

[Beec]

OK, I don't see things like meow18, because I am not going to tell you to just dump this guy. He does things that make you feel insecure. But, you do not know of anything that is going on. She is also married, and one hopes she wants to be faithful.

 

First, the aloof and lovey-dovey switching on and off from him can be very effective at making someone, i.e. you, want him. It can be addictive. If something is influencing how you feel, figure it out and maybe you can stop the influence.

 

Second, I would read the portion in Mere Christianity about love, as discussed in Mark 12:30-31: " you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This is the first commandment. The second is like this,'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." My signature sums up the thoughts in "Mere Christianity", and then I would talk to him and ask him if his actions meet that standard with regard to you. If part of what he should be doing as a boyfriend includes making you feel secure and wanted, etc.

 

I'd prepare for the conversation and then ask.

[lelou]

That is the hard part. Usually I would be like forget it. But he does show he cares for me as well, and I like the way we are together. Besides last night, we talk at least an hour on the phone every day and see each other about 3 to 4 times a week. But, you may be right when you say he doesn't care for me the way I need. I think he is focusing on his future after being away so long (7 yrs), and I am ready for someone to be focusing on starting a relationship. But when he is away, I think he should treat me the same. It is just sad, b/c we get a long so well and have so much fun together and talk about everything. Sad

[lelou]

Thanks Beec. I know he wants to lead a Christian life. I am just not sure if he is ready for the relationship part. I will talk to him. Yikes, it is scary! I am just so sure he will say he isn't ready for sacrifice in a relationship, which means I need to move on. But who knows. I will try.

[valenski]

It sounds like jealousy, your just abit insecure about him being away and spending so much time with another female. Thats okay and I think you did the right thing by letting him know you had a problem with him being away and you missing him so much. I definitely can relate to missing my love, away for months that seem like decades, hardly ever call or email you, you wonder and worry everyday about them you just can't help it. There is nothing I know that can dull that feeling, I keep myself busy but I still miss her like crazy, my heart is breaking as I type these words and with the exception of an email from her or hearing her voice, nothing else helps.

Yeah I know, Hang in there.

[lelou]

Well, I didn't hear from him for three days while he was on his trip. He finally texted me on the fourth morning with a sad face and said he would call me that night. I know he has been working a lot b/c the few days before he left, I would come and visit him and he worked until about 4:00 a.m. every night. However, how hard is it to text something? He said he would be exhausted and was rooming with his co-worker Stephen, blah blah blah. Anyway, when he called that night, I was annoyed and didn't want to let that through, so I didn't answer. The next day he called as he was leaving where he was working, really late. He was acting normal, and I was exhausted from a lot of stuff I was doing, so I cut the conversation short. He seemed to be too ready with his excuses on why he didn't call, and then overly complained about how hard he was working. Anyway, I told him I would call him today, but I am just tired. I wish I knew how honest he was being. I really worry about him and his boss sometimes. CONFUSED!!!

[Rabican]

Theres one of two things going on here... he is super close with his boss like a sister or a good friend. Or hes cheating on you with his boss. Ignore the christian thing, theres hypocrites all day long in this world. Look at the Catholic church, nuff said.

 

If I were you, I would take matters into my own hands and get to the bottom of their friendship. Check his email, cell phone, etc. find out if shes saying 'the sex was so great with you last night' or if shes saying 'john you are such a great friend/ employee im glad you are here to help with this blah blah blah'

 

Or you can just decide that you will have to suffer through sharing him with this other woman, and just deal with it. But i would want to know what I was sharing him with. Thats just me.

[lelou]

I need more help (questions at bottom

From what I have seen, it seems like they are really just close friends. I really think he is just weird about the idea of us being in a "relationship," but he pushed it in his actions (not me).

 

I saw him last night, and I was still kind of in a weird mood. But he acted super sweet and pulled me close to him. But I analyze everything he does. I told him at one point I liked him, and he usually says it back, but he just mumbled something else. Then this morning, when he got up, he ALWAYS gives me a kiss goodbye, but he didn't.

 

I am not usually such an analyzer or jealous person. I wish I could read his e-mail or texts to confirm he isn't seeing her more than he says. He is going out of town AGAIN Thursday and Friday, but will be back in town Saturday. So, we are hanging out Saturday and Tuesday (going to a concert).

 

My MAIN question is, does it mean anything when guys start communicating less after around 8 months into the relationship, or is that normal? I used to get texts and e-mails daily. Now it is just a call a night. In fact, I just sent him a text 45 minutes ago but didn't hear anything back. If he is losing interest, then why call at all? Why ask me to hang out? Should I start backing off? As soon as I brought up my feelings about him and his co-worker, he just seemed to become super aloof. I am so confused...

 

I get tempted not to call him for a few days, but then I feel like he is drifting away, it will push him faster...

[Beec]

It's quite possible he is just reaching what ls like a differnet phase of the relationship to him.

 

I would recommend being more aloof, but your changes should be subtle, bit drastic. It could be you jsut not paying him as much attention when he is with you.

[lelou]

It's quite possible he is just reaching what ls like a differnet phase of the relationship to him.

 

I would recommend being more aloof, but your changes should be subtle, bit drastic. It could be you jsut not paying him as much attention when he is with you.

 

Thanks for the additional advice.

Do you think I should back off texting him and let it be him calling me?

[Beec]

I think you should be more aloof for some of the time you are with him. His being all sweet and stuff should not quickly sway you.

 

I think you could make him wait a bit longer before you respnd to his calls and texts, and be more aloof when you talk to him.

 

But make no really drastic changes.

[lelou]

Well, only one day later and it seems to already have worked. I was super busy at work yesterday and he called after I had called him earlier, but I just sent him a text that said I would talk to him tomorrow b/c I was working late (I work news and work late into the night). Then I got an e-mail from him and I usually reply right away, but I waited a few hours and then responded. I got a response right away. Again, I was busy when I read it and didn't respond and he e-mailed me asking if I got it. So, it seems a little space is just what he needs. It is early, but we shall see. I think it is actually helping me more than anything!

[Beec]

lelou, you did something that seems to have gotten you more attention from him, and isn't that what you really felt was lacking. Do not push it too far, but when you feel you need more, act more aloof. A little withdrawal is not bad. And it is so much nicer when he seems to want your attention, rather than you always asking for his.

[lelou]

Well, things are weird again. I think he is just pulling away from me. I think when we talk tonight I am going to say we need to be dating rather than be in a relationship. I just don't think he is where he needs to be for a relationship and I don't like how it makes me feel. As soon as I decided this my anxiety already went away.

 

We hung out Saturday and Sunday morning and I haven't spoken to him or heard from him since (I sent him a Halloween e-card and a text about a football game). We have a concert we're going to tomorrow, so I want to tell him before that.

 

Wish me luck (or give me advice if anyone sees this soon!)!

[lelou]

Wow, called and haven't heard from him. Hope I'm not being ditched...

[lelou]

Well, I talked to him last night and told him that it seems we need to be dating rather than "in a relationship." I was surprised at how quiet he got. Then he said, well what do you mean, and I said, "Well, exactly what I said, we should date rather than be in a relationship since it seems like we're not ready for that." He got quiet again.

 

Yet again, he was working late and seemed distracted, which I told him is why I think it would be better if we dated b/c I expected more from a relationship. He said he could see that. But he didn't sound happy about it (I am sure he imagines me running off w/ a ton of guys). Anyway, when he was quiet I wanted to make sure it wasn't b/c he didn't want to see me at all, and I said, "Well, we could be friends." And he was like "Could we?" in a sarcastic tone. Point being, he didn't seem to want to agree to dating last night, and I said we could talk about it in person. But I've decided for my own sanity, it is dating or nothing b/c it makes me too anxious him being gone all the time and are on and off talking. He almost admits his job and his relationship w/ his boss is number one at this time (which is fine, but not in our relationship). I feel better (FOR NOW), I hope I did the right thing!

 

So, tonight is the concert. We'll see how it goes