I can't loosen my reigns on my boyfriend, and I should.

[xmrth]

My bf and I have been going on 7 years and if I ever get into it, I have to give the one-two sentence back-story: He never used to invite me out, and now he does. I would say the past 6-7 months he has either only seen me, or brought me with him out with his friends.

 

He wants to go out once in a while with his friends without me, so I guess he's going out this weekend (1 night) with some of his friends, and I'll be hanging out with one of their girlfriends because we talked about it.

 

But this is so hard for me. This is so so so so SO hard for me. I feel like he's given me the option to tell him no, and I am trying to say yes, but I feel like I should say no, stay with me!

 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself... I'm so upset, I've been crying so hard... He doesn't really KNOW what he's going to be doing, just that he'll be out for the night, and I guess a big part of it is the indecisiveness of it all. I feel like he knows but I could just be paranoid, and I'm hanging with his friend's gf that night anyway and she's just like I don't know what he's doing, whatever.

 

I wish I could be like that... I feel like because I could have told him no, stay with me, I should have. I don't know what I'm afraid of.

 

 

Martha

[melrich]

You should not have told him "no" and I am pretty sure he would not have given you that option.

 

Your relationship seems to have improved a lot in this regard and you have to accept that sometimes people need space to do things as an individual rather than as a couple. That is the case in all healthy relationships.

[4thelast1]

First of all you need to admit that your a very jealeous and insecure person. His out with the night guys is a good thing. When he is not around it gives you time to think how happy you are to be with him. If you dont loosen up he's going to break free. He is a grown man and your all he's known for 7 years. As a Woman who has been through my share of BF no man likes to controlled. Its a give and take, and it seems that you are not even allowing that. Get a grip of yourself and trust him. You will be alot happier with yourself and so will he.

[xmrth]

One thing that bothers me the most is he probably wouldn't be going anywhere and he'd be with me. He flat out gave me the option to tell him no. I feel like he knows exactly what's going on, and where he'll be, and all of that, but he won't tell me. He says he doesn't know. He probably has work off the next day after months and months, which would be so nice, and he'll spend that night elsewhere. It bothers me. I look forward to our time together because we don't see eachother during the week. I want it all to be spent together...

[melrich]

I want it all to be spent together...

 

OK, call him then and tell him he can't go out with his friends and he must spend the night with you. I am sure he will oblige.

[xmrth]

It's kind of upsetting you always leave me comments like that. Better to say nothing at all.

[Hope75]

Hi Martha,

 

We've talked at length about your smothering behaviours before. I think deep down you know that it should be OK for your guy to spend a night out with the boys, esp. since you now have the gals to spend time with alternately- but I still wonder why you don't trust him.

 

It's very healthy and balanced for a couple to do separate things too- you cannot be EVERYTHING to each other. It's suffocating and just not fair. A night apart will be a good thing, and a learning experience for you- because at the end your bf will be so happy he had this opportunity to be with the guys and do guy things, and you will see that you survived it, and you are in fact, OK!

 

Let him go, Martha. Don't be that smothering, insecure girl. Trust him. After 7 years, he deserves a night of freedom to do his own thing once in awhile, and so do you!

[melrich]

It's kind of upsetting you always leave me comments like that. Better to say nothing at all.

 

But Martha what other room do you leave us? If you get the advice that he probably needs a night to go out on his own occasionally and you come straight back again with but I don't want him to, I want him to stay home with me, where does it leave us to go with anything further.

 

You are determined that that is the way it should be so what else can you do but call him and ask him not to go out with his friends? What other options are there?

[xmrth]

I don't know why I can't do it easily, I'm so used to him and used to our time together. I feel like it's wrong for him to go without me, but I know it's okay and he should and I should... If we could see eachother more often than just weekends I wonder if it would help but I don't know.

 

A big part of it being difficult is it feels like a case of me or them.

[annie24]

try thinking about your life as a balanced meal. for example, work is meat, family is the vegetables, friends are the bread, and romance is the special dessert. any meal missing one of those components is imbalanced. and going your entire life with one of those missing is not healthy. After all, you can't eat only dessert every single day, you need other things to get a balance.

 

I agree with what the other posters here have said. you have been together for 7 years, give him some credit. he is not going to run away if he gets a night out with the boys. if anything, he will be more excited to see you again.

 

how would you feel if he told you you are not allowed to see your female friends without him? would you say that is silly? what is he afriad of? I know if a man told me I would not be allowed to see female friends without him, I would dump him because it is incredibly contolling and insecure.

 

martha, please don't ask your bf not to hang out with his friends. give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him to have a great time. if you don't give him any freedom, he will feel smothered, and he will feel more inclined to run away from you in the future.

 

I am glad you are spending more time with female friends, that is a step in the right direction!

[2900]

hey chick! i know exactly how you feel. but u have to give him his space and let him do his thing. just trust him. don't hold him back, he'll resent u for it.

[Hope75]

A big part of it being difficult is it feels like a case of me or them.

 

It's not though. Only you are making it seem that way. After 7 years you know that your bf loves you- he shows you all the time, esp with his patience about your controlling ways! Most guys I know would have sent you packing long ago rather than be contained like you do to him Martha. I honestly feel bad for the guy at times.

 

Try this: force yourself to remain silent and give him his night out. Let him have a night with the boys. Remember that he is a person on his own and not just an extension of you, and it's not all about meeting your needs, that he has needs too. See if you survive.

 

What do you think will happen if he goes out without you?

[xmrth]

I don't really know what I feel will happen, but I feel like I'm afraid of something. He's going out to a place with a whole bunch of people, but girlfriends aren't going-- I'm sure girlfriends of people they don't even know will be there because it's some function thing, but probably it's basically just the guys. I feel left out of a big thing but the other girlfriend doesn't seem to even mind, though she gets to live with her boyfriend...

 

Sometimes when I'm out with him and friends and it's getting crazy, I see how the whole situation is, and sometimes I'm tired because it's late and I'd rather be sleeping... Basically I'm thinking, this is no big deal if I wasn't there because this is how it is! but where I can't go at all, I almost can't imagine the truth and how it really is from what I've learned just being out with them all. I don't know everyone who will be at this place, but I feel okay knowing I'll be with one of the girlfriends, but still...

 

I almost feel like this has no bearing, like this will still not be enough for him. I know it's not, because this is one time out of so long he'll be with his friends without me, but it's hard... it's just so hard. I want to get over it so badly. I'm really going to try my hardest because it's so time consuming to worry like this. My day is gone.

[annie24]

well... honey, this is how it will be the rest of your life. either this guy, or whoever you wind up marrying.... he'll want to spend time with you, and then he'll want to spend time with his friends. so... I think you need to get used to that.

 

think about it long and hard..... what do you REALLY think will happen if he is out alone with his buds? what makes you anxious about that scenario?

[annie24]

martha, go to this website....

link removed

 

it's today's letter to Dan Savage, author of the "Savage Love" advice column. A girl wrote in asking Dan what to do about her boyfriend, who gets jealous whenever she is around other men. he tells her to dump him right away, because he is insecure and controlling.

 

i think if you start preventing your boyfriend from going out without you, his friends and family may start convincing him to dump you because you are controlling....

[Blue Skittles]

You have NOTHING to worry about! You need to calm down. Honestly, if this is the FIRST night in like 6 months that he has spent away from you, you have NO reason to be concerned. He's OBVIOUSLY a very faithful man if he's spent 7 years with you not letting him go anywhere on his own. It is very important in a relationship that you establish your own sense of identity, who YOU are, and he does the same. Look at how much time you are spending worrying over ONE freakin night?? Why even bother worrying? Just go out and enjoy your own time alone! Theres no need to waste your time thinking about something that is not even going to happen. Your boyfriend needs space once in awhile, or he is going to snap, and you will lose him all together. Is that what you want to happen?

[xmrth]

Exactly! And I feel so stupid. I'm afraid to admit it, but I feel like he'd never want to spend time with me ever again because he'll see what he's missing out on. If things were more balanced I wouldn't be afraid.

 

Feeling left out still stands... especially as it's him going to some function. I hate it... I feel like I should be the person to be there, too.

 

 

Martha

[DN]

Martha - on a scale of 1 to 10 - how much do you love him?

[xmrth]

I just called him and told him I'm sorry I got so upset... I told him to go out Friday night and have fun, and I'll see him Saturday night. I told him how happy he's made me with including me so much and he should go out with his friends without me, and I'll see him Saturday... I told him we'll do something special just for us and we can both look forward to that, and to just go have fun.

 

And I feel like that was a big mistake. I don't know why but I am feeling like he's not going to know what to do with himself.

 

 

With this being reversed, I know I'd be so miserable... I get so surprised he tells me to go out with his friends and their girlfriends if he can't make it so I don't have to miss out like if we're both invited, and I just think how I'd never be able to do that.

 

I'm scared because I don't know where he's going to be Friday night. I don't know where it is, or what it is. I'll find out and he supposedly doesn't know all details yet, but that's another thing that's killing me.

 

Martha - on a scale of 1 to 10 - how much do you love him?

Some ridiculous number above 10... I know what this means, haha. I think.

[DN]

Love is dependent on trust. Not just trust that he won't cheat. But trust that he loves you as much as you do him - but in his own way. And that he can be without you for a while without his love for you being affected or diminished.

[xmrth]

Love is dependent on trust. Not just trust that he won't cheat. But trust that he loves you as much as you do him - but in his own way. And that he can be without you for a while without his love for you being affected or diminished.

 

I read this after you wrote it to me, and have been thinking about it these past few hours. I have this weird physical feeling like worries aren't flying around everywhere, and they have someplace to just stop.

 

Thank you... I just feel so bad. I'm going to try to be excited about what I'm doing that night without him. I'll try and have fun that night, too.

[freedom]

Hey just a little song that will help.

 

THE GLORY OF LOVE

 

You've got to give a little, take a little

And let your poor heart break a little

That's the story of,

That's the glory of love

 

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little

Until the clouds roll by a little

That's the story of,

That's the glory of love

 

As long as there's the two of us

We've got the world and all its charms

And when the world is through with us

We've got each other's arms

 

You've got to win a little, lose a little

Yes, and always have the blues a little

That's the story of,

That's the glory of love

 

That's the story of,

That's the glory of love.

[Lovely8466]

Hi there. I used to think pretty much the same things you are saying. With my bf, I was always used to "our" time that sometimes I was offended when he would go out with his friends without me. After time though I did realize that every relationship needs their time apart, with their friends. It's healthy for him to have friends that he can go out with, with you and without. Just like you should go out with your gf's without him. It's good to re-connect with your friends without the bf/gf always around. If you trust him, then there should be no worries about where/what he does that evening. Try and let loose and enjoy your time away from him too! Hope it works out!

[Momene]

I regret letting friendships lapse after marriage and parenthood and now I don't have any friends in real life at all left.

[annie24]

I regret letting friendships lapse after marriage and parenthood and now I don't have any friends in real life at all left.

 

it's not too late to change that.