Is she worth it?

[bluef1n]

I dated this girl for about 2 years, she was a 24 year old virgin when we met and you would never have thought that if you saw her, very promiscuous looking to say the least, likes to kiss girls, whole 9 yards - just never did anything sexual beyond kissing with anybody until after we dated for a month or so.. basically I'm saying virgin but far from innocent.

 

Went well for about a year then we went through this thing where she'd state she was unhappy with us and "we are just too different" and would cry and all that jazz and basically dump me for a time period between 1 week and a month.. then she'd contact me, we'd give it another shot and eventually would crash and burn the same way again. I'm quite sure there was no other guys involved and it was trully what she said, which was pretty much she didn't think we were right and needed space.. that went on for about 1 year.

 

The last time it was right after her dad died, she'd been away taking care of arrangements for his funeral (way out of state, ie you fly there), selling a house, a nightmare to say the least. When she got back she dumped me. I had enough and when she got back in touch some time later without exactly saying it I stated I was done with her.. That was May.

 

Hadn't heard from her until on my birthday in sept I got a text message.. so I sent her one on her birthday about 1 month later.. then a couple weeks after that she sent me an email.. then we recently spoke.. then shortly after that we met up to talk.. we ended up in bed and it's all history now but we did some crying and alot of talking.

 

She's still not happy, not related to me, and has a whole bunch of issues that she's pretty much allways had since I've known her.. no change. What amazed me is/was she's not happy, I figured she'd be happy..

 

And most importantly I'm realizing we've pretty much been thinking about eachother every day since May regardless of whether or not we were speaking.. we both said "I wish I didn't care about you"..

 

So now I'm starting to think we may trully never gonna get rid of eachother and mabye it *is* worth another try.

 

After all of the above, if we can work through our differences do you figure it's worth it again?? How/where do I draw the line?

[LostInMyThoughts]

How does one look promiscuous?

 

But to answer the question, based on what you've wrote, *I* wouldn't go for it. You guys have an on and off again relationship. What makes you think that this time is going to be any different? Past behaviour is a STRONG indication of future behaviour.

 

You said she's always had certain issues since you've known her. No change. Your exact words. So, after all this time, think things will be different?

 

It's up to you to decide if you want to make one last ditch attempt, but to me, relationships shouldn't start off as a last ditch attempt. It didn't work the first 4-5 times, it's probably not going to work the next 4-5 times.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Was her father seriously ill before he died? If she felt a lot of stress from family that's what could have caused some of the problems. Also, her father died and she had that stress added too, she does have a right to be unhappy, a member of her family is dead. She sounds like she has some issues with depression and maybe counseling could help, but either way she may not be ready to be in a relationship if she doesn't have her own life together.

[AngelEyez]

Hey Bluef1n,

 

I would say give it another go, as long as you aren't going to depress yourself if it doesn't work out again. Hopefully, when you break up, it's not a long process to get back up on your feet. For some people it's different. They tend to dwell upon breaking up and it slows down everything else in their life. If you aren't like that, then try again with her. She seems very dependent on you. You also truly care about her too. Be prepared that she may not be happy. Before, she wasn't happy with you, and she wasn't happy without you. I think there are some deeply set problems in her past experiences that may affect her current state. She lets those problems get a hold of her, and then thinks she's not happy because of you. It's not your fault she's unhappy. I'm sure you show compassion to her when you are together. If things don't work out again, I assume you should both stay good friends. This way, she can still rely on you whenever she has her emotional moments, and you can be on your way of finding the right person for you.

 

AngelEyez

[bluef1n]

before I go into this you people are the balls, absolutely top notch.. wish I knew about this site before.

 

Lost - looking promiscous .. say a chick who's 5 ft. 8 (sticks out) with obviously died pinkish red hair, tattoos, about 170 lbs with nice * * * * and a nice * * *, very sexy facial features, put her in a short skirt, a push up bra, a shirt showing alot of cleavage, 6 inch lift hooker boots, makeup etc.. she has that oooohhh so not innocent look if you get my drift - ie a look like "you better be man enough to mess with me" ..

 

BTW I'm 29 she's 27 if it makes any difference.

 

There's that saying, you don't know something is really yours until you let it go and it comes back.. seems to apply here. I think it's worth another shot because we both now have come to terms with the fact that we definitely care about eachother very much regardless of whether we even speak, which is a pretty strong bond in my opinion.. am I thinking straight there?

 

Our differences *are* significant and as follows..

 

Ideally I'd like to get married but if possible will avoid ever having kids.. she wants 2 kids some day, I honestly have thought it through and can compromise there. I've dated girls with kids and it's cool with me, just I can't see where in my career/life it'll really will make sense to pull the trigger.. I mean I like being a "young" proffessional with no real responsibilities, financially my lifestyle is comfortable and supported by my income without much planning or thought, I come and go as I please and make plans without having to consider much other than my girlfriend when I have one. It's hard to understand why anyone would want to give that up to raise kids.

 

She's no-where near ready for kids but is really bothered by this. I'd say she's at least 5 years off given her college and career plans.

 

I say I'm ok with it some day but it definitely isn't a problem now or in the near future and when it comes up we'll figure it out, I'm willing to compromise and may even be the one who pushes for it in the end when I get bored of "this"..

 

Other than that, I vote republican and she's liberal.. I'm a scientist she's more of an artist..

 

I have two good friends (one is my brother) and she's got about 20 she talks to on a weekly basis... I prefer to operate kinda under cover and she wants to be the center of attention.. I'm happy saying I could live here for the rest of my life and she says she really loved living the UK and would love to go back (although knowing her well I say she never will given her ties here)..

 

Her dad died totally unexpectedly, freak heart attack, although he was wasn't right mentally (vietnam) and cause her a little grief here there I don't think it was a major issue in her life..

 

Her excessive partying is/was an issue.. to some this is crazy but out of my circle of friends many are x-drug dealers and some are still users, I kinda escaped young after doing pretty hard time for dealing but many are still doing coke a couple nights a week and this chick has an issue with self control and that drug - she'll go a month without touching it but has a hard time saying no and tends to stay up all night, make herself sick, miss work etc.. kinda more of a binge thing, she slips, kicks herself, but comes back to it later..

 

It's never taken over her life but it's an aspect I've allways had a problem with and she at least kept it down to a bare minimum when we were together, but I think it got worse when I wasn't around to keep her thinking straight.

 

She's in councilling now for it and I get the impression her hearts not in it 100% but this is a big change.

 

As far as her not being happy, she just doesn't like her life and current status, living at home not getting along great with her mom, doesn't like work, has alot of stress with school, is really depressed overall I'd say.

 

As far as me in drugs, mabye twice a year I'll do a couple lines and once a month I'll smoke some weed, allways have been a take it or leave it type of drug user. Ok with it but at the same time I say if you can't handle it then avoid it etc..

 

Ok - so now what?