Change in Relationship

[leepcom]

Hey i'm new to this forum but i'm looking for a little bit of advice or anything really at this point.

 

I have been dating this girl for about 3 years coming up and we were definitly high school sweethearts. I'm 20 years old now and she is 17 years old and still a senior in high school. We have always been "the couple that everybody wants" as our friends used to say and really have lived up to this expectation. Starting from the very beginning, it took us about a month of dating to actually kiss and almost 2 years until we finally had sex for the first time. Everything from the kiss to the first time we had sex, it was never a bad experience for us. Along with everything being perfect, we also never argued, about anything, because we really had nothing to argue about. We did, however, start arguing about really ridiculous things last summer and it's pretty much the same argument that never gets old.

 

The argument is over a few various relationship opinions that we have.

 

The first argument that I have with her is when I mention to her that we need to spend more time with eachother. I feel that having a successful relationship you should at least see eachother 4 times a week for a good amount of time. She turns it around and tells me I have no friends and I need to hang out with them. I admit, I hang out with my friends about one or two times a month and that's it, but I tell her some people lose touch with thier friends after high school. Either way, I just feel distant from her when we only hang out once or twice a week.

 

The next argument is about her showing more affection towards me. Not just affection, but just caring for me as a whole. 99% of the time, I usually call her and 99% of the time she gets off the phone with me because her friend calls or she needs to do something. Which I am completely understanding but I just feel that sometimes it would be nice if she would send me text messages or voicemails telling me she misses me or whatever, just to know that she is thinking of me. Also, we have never really been affectionate with eachother. I could probably count how many times we have had sex on my two hands in the past three years and I am by no means an ugly guy.

 

And finally, she has this problem of not telling me things. This is by far the most upsetting to me because I am all about honesty. I literally have to guess what she is doing throughout her day because she never tells me what she is doing. She tells me that she is affraid to tell me things because she's affraid I will get mad at her. I tell her the only reason I get upset about anything is because she keeps it from me for so long.

 

Anyways, back to what this whole thing is supposed to be about. Recently, she told me that she is sick of me arguing with her about these things and told me she will go on a break with me if I don't change. I told her I was willing to compromise with her and listened to how she wanted me to change. She told me that I need to let her do whatever she wants and we are no longer aloud to argue and she feels that this will make our relationship stronger.

 

Its been about 2 weeks since this change and I feel incredibly depressed about the whole thing. She just had a dance yesterday and I'm obviously too old for those things now but I really wanted to see how pretty she looked and she also went out to eat at a restaurant right by my house(we live a half an hour away from eachother.) I kept on giving her hints that I wanted to see her at least before she went to the dance to take some pictures with her but she gave me no sign that she wanted me to come so I gave up. After we got off the phone with eachother at about 11 AM that morning I didn't hear from her until about 11:45 PM that night. She was at her friends house with a bunch of people and we weren't on the phone very long. I couldn't even ask her how the dance went. All along I never got upset with her and was actually happy that she even called me.

 

I really don't know what to do at this point and would love to have some sort of give and take relationship so we both can be happy. It almost seems like she is trying to control me and this is definitly not what I want and as a matter of fact I've never gotten my say in any part of our relationship.

 

Just to add to this. Her dad has never ever shown any type of affection towards her or her family and her family is literally affraid of him. He would never beat them and he rarely yells at them. I try to tell her that it's not normal to be so affraid of your own dad and that he should care more for his family. This is a really bad topic for her and she gets pretty pissed at me when I bring it up.

 

And wow I just wrote a book but I guess it was kinda nice to get it all out there when I really can't with her.

 

Thanks in advance for whoever takes the time to read this.

[MaxPayne19]

Your girlfriend is starting to show some bad signs that could mean more problems...Like you said she rarely calls you and your always the first to contact her. It almost sounds like she is having more fun with her friends than you. You shouldn't let her upset you and make the rules in the relationship, you both should be able to negotiate a compromise that fits both of your needs. The situation with her dad could be why she is so independent, but it shouldn't control the way relationship is. You need to stand up for yourself and tell her that your feeling left out of this relationship. If she can't understand or respect that then it might be in your best interests to move on.

[Scout]

Hi, leepcom...welcome to eNotalone.

 

I'm afraid I have to agree with the above poster that the signs aren't good here. Your girlfriend appears to be pulling away, and she's directly telling you why: you want more of her time than she is prepared to give, you have basically stopped socializing with other people and depend too much on her to replace that, and the relationship is no longer that fun anymore because of the constant arguments.

 

I am curious as to why you feel she is trying to control you. Because I get the sense that she feels you're trying to control her...by wanting a great deal more than she wants to give. Perhaps you meant you feel out of control at this point in the relationship?

 

Another thing you have to consider is that seventeen is an age where many people are reluctant to stay in a long-term relationship, because adulthood is just around the corner. They want to branch out, meet other people, and being in an exclusive relationship can hinder that.

 

I know that's a scary thought, because you love this girl and want to hold onto your relationship. But I can practically guarantee the more you try to hold onto it, the more slippery your grip will get.

 

What I am about to suggest is easier said than done. But knowing what I know now about "young love" and what people mean when they say the things your girlfriend is saying, I would honestly be the one to walk away. I'd tell her you recognize your relationship is not the way it used to be, and that it seems she wants her freedom. Because you love her and want to remember your relationship as it was when you were both happy together, you think it's best to give her the freedom she wants, before things between you two deteriorate to the point that you both hate each other.

 

And I'd mean it. Then, I would get busy trying to make new friends and rebuild a social network that I let lapse because I got too wrapped up in my relationship.

 

Again, I know this is easier said than done. But from what I'm reading, I have to tell you what this honestly looks like to me: she feels suffocated in this relationship and wants out. She just hasn't worked up the courage yet to tell you this flat-out. I'm sure its because she doesn't want to hurt you.

[now_better]

i think when you're together for a long time, people tend to take each for granted after a while. things just get very comfortable... too comfortable sometimes.

 

She told me that I need to let her do whatever she wants and we are no longer aloud to argue and she feels that this will make our relationship stronger.

 

she's out of her f-ing mind imo. what happened to the compromise part of a relationship? it's perfectly normal to argue in a relationship. that's how things are resolved sometimes. you don't want to sweep things under the carpet. cause then after a while, the carpet has this huge lump and it's pretty unavoidable, and things DO NOT get better. they usually get worse fast.

 

i think your g/f is being a little unrealistic and that sounds like it's partially from her upbringing. it wasn't perfect and she wants her relationship to be perfect. i think she needs to grow up and mature a little bit.

 

edit: i also agree w/ the above poster's comments on the relationship in general. good luck man.

[Scout]

She told me that I need to let her do whatever she wants and we are no longer aloud to argue and she feels that this will make our relationship stronger.

 

I don't know, I think these comments probably were fueled by her exasperation with the situation. Obviously, the arguments have gotten to be pretty regular. She's 17, maybe she doesn't quite know how to state things yet in a more realistic way.

[VeganBohemian]

I wish you were my boyfriend. Most girls LOVE that stuff!

[Clementyne]

I think your problem has to do with you guys having very different expectations:

 

1) The fact that you want to spend more time with her, and her wanting to spend less time with you.

2) She is very outgoing and values time with her friends, while you aren't as much outgoing as she is. This also has to do with wanting different things: in the teenage years I remember I had to hang out with my friend almost all day. It seems that you are not where she is when it comes to prioritizing quality time with friends, which is very normal.

3) Finally, you seem to be very much invested in the relationship and she shows no sign of being interested whatsoever.

 

I agree with what the other posters have suggested; perhaps you need to move on. It is essential that both partners equally give and receive in a relationship. It's not fun to be the only one who cares…

[leepcom]

wow, I'm very surprised I got so many replies already, this place is sweet!

 

You guys were exactly what I needed and I am so glad for your responses because I really just needed somebody to talk to. Yeah, I could go to my friends but they are the type of guys that would be like "dude, don't be gay and get with some other girl," and I really do love this girl and want to make it work out.

 

replying to scouts' response...

 

I agree with you in everything you say especially about the control issue. When ever I express my opinion on anything it gets shot down because she puts this guard up like she feels that I am trying to control her and I am not like that at all! I want to listen to her and I've shown her that I want to make her happy.

 

And also when you mentioned how you think she feels suffacated in the relationship. I would never want to make her feel that she has no room to be who she is, but I think this might go hand in hand with the fear of not experiencing high school to its fullest because she is dating me. But I have told her many, many times that I would never want her to grow up and regret anything she does in her life right now. On the other hand, I just wish there was a way to balance her high school life and her relationship because a lot of the times, I feel left in the dust. Once again, I never get upset unless she makes plans over something we had planned, otherwise, I'm totally cool with whatever she wants to do.

 

Another thing she told me when she mentioned the break is that, the reason for the break besides the arguing is the simple fact that she wants to realize that she loves me and by going on a break she thinks that she will miss me and realize what she has done and come back to me. I'm not sure exactly what she means but, to me, that sounds ridiculous and by that time I already agreed that I won't argue about the things I said in my last post anymore.

 

Honestly though, when we argue, it isn't bad at all. And seriously, when we are together, we have a blast and our conversation is never dull or akward.

 

Oh and I almost forgot, in a recent conversation we had together she told me she wants to hang out with guys. I just told her that there was never a time that I said you are not aloud to hang out with guys and she agreed but it almost seemed like she was telling me that she is moving on. And the reason that I really have no social life anymore is because EVERYTIME I go out, there will be a girl hanging out with me and my friends that goes to the same school that my girlfriend goes to and she somehow starts liking me and the girl will go back to school and tell everyone that she likes me, and my girlfriend doesn't deserve me, etc. Then this all lands on me because my girlfriend thinks I cheated on her and then I am no longer aloud to hang out with those people.

 

I'm not a bad guy at all, I would never do anything that would hurt her and have been there for her in absolutly everything she has been through. It just really sucks that we have gotten so far and all of a sudden everything changes and I am the worst guy in the world because I feel we should hang out a little more.

 

All in all, you guys are right, she just wants to move on and I'm just in her way.

 

This sucks bad...

[Clementyne]

She wants to hang out with guys and you're not allowed to hang out with girls? She is definitely controlling you.

 

I think expressing her desire to hang out with other guys is her way of politely saying that she wants to see other people.

[Scout]

Well, leepcom...the positive about your situation is that obviously, other girls are attracted to you and like you. So, it's not as if you'll never meet someone again you can love, and who will also love you in return the way you want to be loved.

 

I know you care deeply about this girl, but plain and simple, you're not getting your needs met, either, in this relationship. Not anymore, anyway, and it doesn't look like she can really provide this for you at this point and time.

 

It's incredibly hard to see a relationship end, but you should keep in mind that you were able to keep one going for THREE YEARS...that says you're successful at long-term relationships. The odds are just stacked way against it lasting because she's so young. At least at this time, anyway.

 

Try not to beat yourself up too much over this. If indeed you two do end things, at least you'll be free to pursue girls who are wanting the same kind of relationship you do. And you'll increase the chances of meeting girls like this if you date ones closer to your own age.

 

I know this is a bit far in the future, but it's something to keep in mind if you two break up. And again, friend, I have to say...all signs are pointing to her wanting this. She's said everything BUT "I want to break up." Why drag it on? Just be upfront with her and ask her if this is something she feels would be best.

[JSMITH]

I maybe the odd one, but I think you are being needy.

 

take a look at a few things you noted.

needing to spend more time together (4 times a week)

needing her to show more affection

and others

 

sign of being needed

 

let her live her life.

but be there for her when she really really need you.

 

isn't that what BF is for? specially if you are the ONE everybody look up to?

 

again, it could just be ME being the ODD one.

[Scout]

I maybe the odd one, but I think you are being needy.

 

take a look at a few things you noted.

needing to spend more time together (4 times a week)

needing her to show more affection

and others

 

sign of being needed

 

let her live her life.

but be there for her when she really really need you.

 

isn't that what BF is for? specially if you are the ONE everybody look up to?

 

again, it could just be ME being the ODD one.

 

I agree he may be overly needy in this relationship - in terms of what his partner is willing/able to give back - but it could be that if he was with someone else, that person wouldn't consider him needy. Seeing a boyfriend/girlfriend four times a week isn't excessive, in my opinion. Especially after three years together!

[JSMITH]

Seeing a boyfriend/girlfriend four times a week isn't excessive, in my opinion. Especially after three years together!

 

each of their own.

when I was in a relationship (yesterday! )

I loved the person. I would have loved to spend every single second together. But we are all busy. We could only have made time to spend together once or twice a week.

 

work, school, other family commitment, other activities ....

 

a long time ago, i was in 4+ yrs relationship.

I was super busy with my new businesses back then.

We talked about it, and made every FRIDAY night our date night.

that was it. However we kept in touch with multiple phone calls almost everyday.

 

Again, I may be the ODD one here.

But, it's not about how much time "we" spend together

it's not about how many times "we" have sex

it's all about KNOWING "we" are with each other.

[insofar]

I agree with the above opinion that your girlfriend is insane to believe that a relationship is better if arguments are suppressed. Disagreements happen, plain and simple: you're not the same person, you will have differences of opinion.

 

It seems to me that you are of a much higher maturity level than your girlfriend. She isn't ready to commit to you and is making that blazingly clear. As much as you might want the relationship to continue you can only bend so far; when she tries to change you to this extent, you have to ask yourself whether it's even possible, for one thing, and whether, in the end, it's a good thing for you. Because in this case, it's not. Your definition of a relationship is different from hers. You want different things. And that's OK! But compromise can only go so far as well; when she wants to you change your fundamental beliefs about a relationship, you have to wonder if it will ever work out the way either of you want.

 

You are not the bad guy here. And while I think she's being very unreasonable in a lot of the things she's saying, neither is she. You just want different things. Regardless of what anyone defines a "good relationship" as, it differs from person to person and from couple to couple.

 

Is your relationship good by either of your standards?

[Scout]

each of their own.

when I was in a relationship (yesterday! )

I loved the person. I would have loved to spend every single second together. But we are all busy. We could only have made time to spend together once or twice a week.

 

work, school, other family commitment, other activities ....

 

a long time ago, i was in 4+ yrs relationship.

I was super busy with my new businesses back then.

We talked about it, and made every FRIDAY night our date night.

that was it. However we kept in touch with multiple phone calls almost everyday.

 

Again, I may be the ODD one here.

But, it's not about how much time "we" spend together

it's not about how many times "we" have sex

it's all about KNOWING "we" are with each other.

 

I actually agree with everything you are saying here.

[perplexxed]

insofar stole my line !!!

 

I completely agree with her, so won't just repeat her/him...

 

One thing though that I think is worth mentioning here is your age (both of you)...

You are at such a critical age in terms of how you show your affections and expect just the same in return from your partner !!!

and she on the other hand seems to be at an age that wants to explore more !!! Considering that she has been with you ever since she was barely a teen (and she still is )

I get the feeling that aside from everything else she is just curious how life would be without you...(I believe she needs to experience that sooner or later in life anyway)

 

and all these points aside, YOU do help her in taking for granted ! you feed that...yeah maybe you don't show your upset when she decides to go out with her friends as opposed to you etc. but she knows you're there for her after all...

 

I think she feels you love her so much that no matter what she does, you won't break the relationship !!!

 

well, you need to give that attitude of hers a shock (only for the best) !

 

[i wouldn't have suggested this only if I could see this relationship had the potential to go on and be benefitial to both of you (at least at this point)]

 

I think seeing how much you love and care for her, it is extremely difficult for you to come out of the box and look at the situation the way we (outsiders) look at it...it just doesn't look good and no matter how much you love her, this is not what you deserve !!!

 

 

too bad some of us seem to fall and carry on with the more difficult ones...(I was in a similar situation myself when I was 19) I guess it's related to male's need and crave for challenge lol

[Momene]

Being needy/clingy or being independent are not wrong in themselves but where one is more needy than the other it is an imbalance. When she's 20 and you're 23 it could be OK but are you prepared to wai that long?

[herewegoagain]

I would just let her go. It seems that you are just hanging on by a thread, and letting her dictate everything. If you really thought about it with a level head, you would see that you are not happy. It seems you are quite miserable with things and are depressed. I know its hard, but letting her go now may be the best thing. I know you don't want to admit it, but the realtionship isn't working. I know it may be the hardest thing for you to do, but it will be best in the long run. That's a problem for most of us, a lot of us tend not to look at the long-term picture. Please look at the long term!!! Sure, it will hurt a lot at first, but either she will miss you and come back to you, or if not, you can meet someone new who is good to you.