18yrs difference

[confused22033]

hey, I've been friends with a guy who is 18yrs my senior, (i'm 22) for over a yr. We have only been friends and nothing has ever happened, we both go to school together (thats where we met) and just recently he has confessed that he wants more. I'm not so sure if i do, because i'm afraid of the social reaction we'll get.

[shes2smart]

My last bf was 18 years older...when we met I was 34 and he was 52. I guess maybe we got some weird looks out in public, but I'm usually so oblivious to that sort of thing I don't really notice.

 

Things were pretty good, except for the fact that he didn't really want to be in a monogamous relationship and sort of neglected to tell me that. But that is a reflection on his character...not the age difference. Even if we were the same age, he'd still have that character flaw.

 

So, some of the questions you need to ask yourself here...

 

>if he was the same age as you, would you be interested in him romantically?

 

>how much do the opinions of family, friends or even random people on the street affect you?

 

>are you very hurt or re-think your decisions if people close to you disagree?

 

>are you embarrassed or ashamed if someone you don't know gives you a disapproving look or makes an uncalled for rude remark or does something like that not bother you?

 

>if the age difference bothers you, what, exactly about that bothers you?

 

>do you have similar relationship goals? if you're looking for casual dating, and a partner is looking for marriage, it's a mismatch no matter what your ages and you're better off looking for someone who wants something similar to what you want.

[confused22033]

well to be honest, if he were the same age as me, i would for sure try things out right away, with out a doubt.

 

opinions of friends and family do mean something, and as upset as my parents might be, i think they'd eventually accept it.

 

I might get embarrassed easily if someone were to make a rude remark, but i think that, that might just be and insecurity in myself.

 

what bothers me about the age difference, well i'm afraid that if things do work out, which i'm surethey would coz we are seriously like best friends, that if i ever end up wanting kids (which i know he'd agree to) that when the kids are 20 he'll be like 65, and i'm afriad that they might not have someone to kind of play sports with they, ect. really what bothers me is future ideas.

 

And i'm not a gold digger, in case anyone thinks that, he doesn't have any gold to dig, he is going to university as well as i am, and is renting a room in a house so that he can focus on school.

[n83]

Honestly, I think the stages of your lives are vastly different .. despite the fact that you are both going to college. You are still very young and frankly, he's not old but he's definitely not young. I question his judgment going after someone your age. It speaks to his character...

[confused22033]

Honestly, I think the stages of your lives are vastly different .. despite the fact that you are both going to college. You are still very young and frankly, he's not old but he's definitely not young. I question his judgment going after someone your age. It speaks to his character...

 

I understand completely what you are saying, but it hasn't 'just happened' out of the blue, like i met him on the street or something, he has been my friend for a while, and i guess we just kept getting closer and closer until one day he just confessed everything

[shes2smart]

what bothers me about the age difference, well i'm afraid that if things do work out, which i'm surethey would coz we are seriously like best friends, that if i ever end up wanting kids (which i know he'd agree to) that when the kids are 20 he'll be like 65, and i'm afriad that they might not have someone to kind of play sports with they, ect. really what bothers me is future ideas.

 

Sometimes, we worry about things that never come to pass. Worry, as the saying goes, is paying interest on a debt you may not owe.

 

While things might work out and follow that dating-marriage-kids path, there's an equally likely chance that they won't follow that path, too. How soon would you see yourself wanting to start a family? Yes, it's smart to keep an eye on future goals, but it needs to be tempered with realizing that, for the most part, we can't accurately project our futures too far out.

 

If you woulda told me 6 years ago I'd be married (but not to the guy I was with at the time) and living in Central Ohio, I'd have laughed you out of the room. Life has a way of throwing these little curveballs at us when we least expect it. No matter how carefully you plan, you can't control when/how and what those curveballs will be. The only sure thing is that they'll be there.

 

The kids/no kids issue is a serious one. So serious as to be a deal-breaker...but it's also not an issue that needs to be dealt with in the early stages of a relationship...unless you're looking to have kids RIGHT NOW. Since you're still in school, I'm guessin' you probably want to wait for a few years anyway. So, I think you may be putting the cart in front of the horse a little bit.

 

What would make you feel like you'd missed out more? Pursuing the relationship and letting things take their course....or opting not to pursue the relationship because of potential children?

 

If you're interested in the guy that way, and you're reasonably sure you can deal with any outside disapproval, why not see where it goes? Sure it's a risk, but so is any relationship you get into. You could have kids with someone the same age as you and still end up being a single parent due to divorce or accidental death. If he takes reasonable care of himself and got dealt a good genetic hand, he could also outlive you. There's really no way to know what will happen.

 

But that's what keeps things interesting.

[RescueDiver]

You will definitely see a social reaction (not to mention reaction from your friends and family) about this. I am certainly not going to tell you not to date him because I have dated women that were up to 10 years younger than me. However it's certainly not something you should enter into lightly. You need to really think about the kids thing especially. How many do you want, when do you want to start having them, etc... and do the math. Also, as far as social/public reaction... I would say that more or less you are going to be dealing with a lot of staring if nothing else... confusion as to him being your father and not your husband.

 

I think shestoosmart hit some really good points so I would think long and hard on those. This much of an age difference is going to put some major stress on the relationship to be sure. You need to be ready for that extra stress in addition to all the other stresses that come with a relationship.

[confused22033]

another thing that kind of makes me worry, is what if we do end up together and then sleeping together, i know that he has been with a lot of woman, and i'm afriad that i won't meassure up to them considering the others probably have a lot more expierence.

 

The kids thing really isn't a problem, athough i thought iwas going to be, because he randomly brings up little things or asks me questions like, "When ever you have kids have u hever thought about what u would name them?' I felt really awkward of him asking me that question but it kind of gave me an idea. The only thing that does bother me is the fact that 'if' i were to ever have kids with him, that he wouldn't be able to give them the attention they need from a father figure.

[shes2smart]

another thing that kind of makes me worry, is what if we do end up together and then sleeping together, i know that he has been with a lot of woman, and i'm afriad that i won't meassure up to them considering the others probably have a lot more expierence.

 

The guy I ended up marrying is 11 years younger than me. I had a lot more life experience/sexual experience than he did, and it really didn't mean anything. With my 18 year-older ex-bf, I still had more sexual experience than he did (he was married for most of his 20's, 30's and into his 40's and (he says) faithful to his ex-wife) When I met him he was trying to make up for lost time by attempting to nail anything with 2 X chromosomes. Where I had never been married, was 34, and was something of a wild child in college and so forth.

 

In both cases, it really didn't matter. When you start a sexual relationship with a new-to-you partner, in a lot of senses, you're both starting over. While the general concept is the same, what any specific individual likes/dislikes sexually is most likely going to be different from what your previous partners liked/disliked...so there's going to be a learning curve for both people.

 

The kids thing really isn't a problem, athough i thought iwas going to be, because he randomly brings up little things or asks me questions like, "When ever you have kids have u hever thought about what u would name them?' I felt really awkward of him asking me that question but it kind of gave me an idea.

 

Was this a general discussion about having kids or a specific discussion about having kids with him? If it was just a general discussion, I don't know that I'd read too much into it at this point. I think it's one of those topics friends can talk about under the category of "My Future Plans" without putting a lot of serious overtones to it.

 

The only thing that does bother me is the fact that 'if' i were to ever have kids with him, that he wouldn't be able to give them the attention they need from a father figure.

 

What makes you say this? Sometimes, if people wait until they are older before having kids, they will be in a position mentally and financially to devote more time/attention to their offspring than a younger parent or someone who has an unplanned pregnancy.

[Ms. Babydoll]

You gotta decide how you really feel for him, if you do like him then the social reaction from other people shouldn't matter.

[confused22033]

He slept over last night at my place, it was really nice, but nothing happened, not even kissing. I really appreciated that he respected me as much as he did. i think that i forgot to mention to everyone that he doesn't look hs age, he looks between 28 and 31.

[monkey1]

Honestly, I think you're over-analyzing this all. You haven't even dated, just remained friends which is good because that's always a good way to start any relationship.

 

My boyfriend's 15 years older than me and sure I felt kinda weird about the age difference at first or maybe what others would think, but really, it's just me and him in our relationship. I didn't start thinking about kids or sex till much later on into the relationship when I started to have feeling for him. It wasn't important at the very beginning because what's the point of stressing over something that hasn't presented itself yet?

 

I say, if you really do like him and are attracted to him, give it a shot. Better to find out what if now than regret it later which is why I really decided to pursue a relationship beyond friends with my boyfriend.

 

Whether he looks his age or not, it's what he's like. It's what's on the inside. People will have their opinions on if they think what you're doing is right or wrong, espeically from family and friends, but what matters is your happiness.

[SarahRose]

He slept over last night at my place, it was really nice, but nothing happened, not even kissing. I really appreciated that he respected me as much as he did. i think that i forgot to mention to everyone that he doesn't look hs age, he looks between 28 and 31.

 

 

I supposed if he waited a year, he has the patience to wait a bit longer to bed you.

[confused22033]

another thing...lol... there are so many 'things' about this situation, we have two out of three classes together and sometimes i think that i have these feelings coz i see him everyday and haven't really seen anyone else, and when u are around someone a lot, u tend to start to develope feelings for one another, so basically what i'm saying is, that i don't know if the feelings are genuine or just there coz no one else is. I hope that makes sense... does anyone know if there is any way i can find out if they are true feelings?

[monkey1]

another thing...lol... there are so many 'things' about this situation, we have two out of three classes together and sometimes i think that i have these feelings coz i see him everyday and haven't really seen anyone else, and when u are around someone a lot, u tend to start to develope feelings for one another, so basically what i'm saying is, that i don't know if the feelings are genuine or just there coz no one else is. I hope that makes sense... does anyone know if there is any way i can find out if they are true feelings?

 

I think the only way you can find out is to go out with him. What are you afraid of really? That you will like him? That you'll ruin your friendship? What other people think?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Honestly, I think the stages of your lives are vastly different .. despite the fact that you are both going to college. You are still very young and frankly, he's not old but he's definitely not young. I question his judgment going after someone your age. It speaks to his character...

A guy becomes attracted to a female friend, it happens. It says nothing about his character so much that he is honest about his feelings for her. If they had just met then yes it would be shady, but a relationship developed over a year is not a guy just trying to procure a young bed buddy but someone who may be earnestly interested in her as a person.