shikashika Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 .. is that the dumper gets to do as they please, tell us they don't like us anymore (or whatever they lie or say)... and we're supposed to shut up keep quiet and go away as the best option... essentially... this is what it is like.... I think it makes it so much harder to not contact them because there are so many things left unsaid that I want to say to him... and while I'm ok some days... other days i am sooo angry because of all the things I want to say to him. Also, if I had dumped someone and they just disappeared off the map... and I had been thinking about wanting to get back together with him... I would think, "Gee, guess he REALLY doesn't like me.. no point in trying I guess...sigh" And... I try to put myself in that situation. If I broke up with someone, and he told me 'don't contact me'... I wouldn't.... even if i wanted to and realised I made a mistake... I would respect him even if i was longing to pick up the phone and talk to him. so this is why I don't like NC Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 The purpose of NC is to heal from a break up and typically you cannot heal from a break up if you constantly believe that you are going to get back with the other person. The lack of contact helps the dumpee work through their emotions and hopefully become a stronger person for it. NC gives the dumpee time and this will allow them to think about the situation and hopefully gain a different perspective and accept what happened so that they will be able to move on. Link to comment
Caterina Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 You should let 'em have it THEN NC, lol. Sometimes its just natural to express and to get through the pain of what has happened by going through painful confrontation instead of directly approaching NC. After the confrontational parts, you might be more prepared to move on then if you had just let their bs fly. Link to comment
Mun Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Hey there, NC is not for everyone. Myself, I believe in it only because I've made a complete fool of myself begging, pleading and just plain forgetting common decency in my efforts to make my feelings known--and trying to get back together. You may be the kind of person that needs to say your peace in order to move on. Then do what is best for you. In the end you will know whether or not NC was the better choice. Good luck to you. __ La experiencia se gana por mano propia y no por consejos. Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 The purpose of NC is to heal from a break up and typically you cannot heal from a break up if you constantly believe that you are going to get back with the other person. The lack of contact helps the dumpee work through their emotions and hopefully become a stronger person for it. NC gives the dumpee time and this will allow them to think about the situation and hopefully gain a different perspective and accept what happened so that they will be able to move on. I haven't become a stronger person for it.... That just sounds like something we've just heard from enotalone over and over and over again.. NC does NOTHING of what you've mentioned above Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 If that is what you believe then try an alternative method. It is hard to say that NC does not work when you are still in the stages of healing. To me NC would have been developed by looking in hindsight of actions performed after a break up. As long as you are still entrenched in your emotional state because of the break up NC is not going to seem to work. The method works, and if you dont believe it then search on the site for the success stories. Link to comment
Dako Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Some peole are more verbal than others, and get some relief form telling the dumper off, getting the last word, and trying to hurt the dumper in retaliation. I'd think after that, letting go of the ex would help you move on without concern about their opinion. It's your future. Link to comment
light bulb Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 .. is that the dumper gets to do as they please, tell us they don't like us anymore (or whatever they lie or say)... and we're supposed to shut up keep quiet and go away as the best option... It's about you retaining your dignity and healing, not getting back at them, trying to prove a point, or make them suffer like you're suffering. NC is for you. essentially... this is what it is like.... I think it makes it so much harder to not contact them because there are so many things left unsaid that I want to say to him... and while I'm ok some days... other days i am sooo angry because of all the things I want to say to him. I know how you feel. When I was last dumped I felt like there were at least 100 things I needed to tell her and to me, each of those 100 things were all very important. You feel like if they only knew - if they could get in your head and see how you feel - they'd change their minds or see things differently. Unfortunately, unless they want to hear what you have to say, they'll never really listen. The words will go in but they will mean nothing. It's hard to be a dumpee. Also, if I had dumped someone and they just disappeared off the map... and I had been thinking about wanting to get back together with him... I would think, "Gee, guess he REALLY doesn't like me.. no point in trying I guess...sigh"No, NC doesn't cause that reaction in people. Not to give you a false sense of hope or anything but NC usually causes the opposite reaction. Look around at some posts here...months of NC and out of the blue, guess who suddenly wants to get back in touch? Usually by that point though, you're over it and realize you deserve better. Trust me, NC confuses the living hell out of the dumper. Dumping is easier for them when they know you still want them (as sick as that sounds). Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 No, NC doesn't cause that reaction in people. Not to give you a false sense of hope or anything but NC usually causes the opposite reaction. Look around at some posts here...months of NC and out of the blue, guess who suddenly wants to get back in touch? Usually by that point though, you're over it and realize you deserve better. Trust me, NC confuses the living hell out of the dumper. Dumping is easier for them when they know you still want them (as sick as that sounds). but I have been in the other situation... and this IS how i would act... Link to comment
light bulb Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 In my experiences, that's not how most dumpers react to NC. Why would you expect the person you dumped to remain in contact with you? That's not a very fair game to play with people IMO. Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 In my experiences, that's not how most dumpers react to NC. Why would you expect the person you dumped to remain in contact with you? That's not a very fair game to play with people IMO. I agree its not fair.. but i dont think NC is neccesarily the best way to heal... Link to comment
Mun Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 So what exactly are you doing to heal yourself?> What's your plan? Link to comment
light bulb Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 NC is just one of many things you can/should do. I know for me it took exercising, changing my hair, getting new clothes, and spending a lot of time with friends, family, and loved ones. Even with NC I did some rediculous things - like sign up for match dot com! Link to comment
Juliana Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Nothing is going to work 1oo per cent of the time accross the board for everyone. And every relationship is individual. Take me, for example. I developed dissociative amnesia after a trauma unrelated to my breakup with a guy I loved. He and I were broken up at the time; because of that, I wasn't able to go back and reinforce my suspicions that we had had more of a relationship than I seemed to remember. In this case, silence was deadly; I've paid with 20 years of my life for the no contact principle. Take a couple of my ex boyfriends; a little insecure, a little traumatized by their families, cutting them off cold, no matter who did the dumping, would have been horrific. People have all kinds of different emotional and psychic resources. To say that every single breakup needs to go into no contact is ridiculous, and actually, in some cases dangerous. If you can't stop yourself from contacting the person. If you are desperate to get them back. If you are furious and want to hurt them. But not everyone goes through those emotions during a break up; I very rarely do. No contact helped me three times, I think, out of ten or fifteen relationships. Not great numbers. And the damage it did me was just off the map. So, no, I'm not a fan. I think it should be seen as a method of last recourse, really. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 the "dumper" who initiates "NC" and deprives the "dumpee" of what many see as necessary closure has proven him/herself to be inconsiderate of the feelings of others regardless of how s/he may have presented him/herself previously. unfortunately, in some cases the opportunity for final words never comes and the "dumpee" is left to cope with the abrupt finale. what to do as the one holding the bag? come to grips with the fact that the person who acts in such an uncaring and selfish way is not worth any more of your time and thoughts, period. once you own that truth, closure comes from within and you are free. Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 So what exactly are you doing to heal yourself?> What's your plan? I'm not contacting him... but I dont' know why NC is focusing so much on healing ourselves... sometimes we have to say things and get things off our chest... what feels RIGHT for us may not be the best solution Link to comment
blackdiamond Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 I agree with you-NC sucks. I have many things to say to him...especially because he broke up with me for things he'd done over and over to me (not cheating, but leaving during an argument). But he breaks up with me every week. But, like another poster has stated, they don't have the capacity at this point to even care what we are upset about-more than likely it will fall on deaf ears. AND contacting them gives them power, because in essense initiating contact is excusing them for how they treated us. No f#cking way I'm gonna give him that power. Try not to give this guy the impression that you need him more than he needs you. Otherwise, your situation with him will never change. Or, worse yet, you'll lose your self respect. Link to comment
betrayedgirl Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Today will be 3 weeks NC with my ex and it does get easier with time! Hang in there! Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 Today will be 3 weeks NC with my ex and it does get easier with time! Hang in there! well I've been doing it for 2 months now... with only one running-into-each other and one email.... and its getting worse... I think some peopel are let-it-go ers and some are but-its-still-unfinished-business-and-i-can't-move-on ers Link to comment
sfindependent Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 I think some peopel are let-it-go ers and some are but-its-still-unfinished-business-and-i-can't-move-on ers man I wish i was the let-it-goers, rather, being the dumpee, I was the other. it also sucks that my ex was a let it goer... doesnt make me feel anymore better about myself. Link to comment
Blane151211 Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 the "dumper" who initiates "NC" and deprives the "dumpee" of what many see as necessary closure has proven him/herself to be inconsiderate of the feelings of others regardless of how s/he may have presented him/herself previously. unfortunately, in some cases the opportunity for final words never comes and the "dumpee" is left to cope with the abrupt finale. This happened to me. My ex (the "dumper"), initiated "NC" 2 weeks after he broke up with me on the phone. I begged him to see me and talk to me even for the last time... at least give me some clarifications to some of my questions that he left unanswered when he dumped me for no apparent reason (well, he might have the reason... but he didn't tell me why... and that's what I wanted to hear from him). I was left, with no choice, but to cope with the abrupt finale... and believe me, it was very, very, very hard to cope. what to do as the one holding the bag? come to grips with the fact that the person who acts in such an uncaring and selfish way is not worth any more of your time and thoughts, period. once you own that truth, closure comes from within and you are free. I started NC the moment I found this site. NC might not work for everybody... but in my case, it HELPS me a lot up to this point. I agree with a lot of forumers here that NC is not meant for you and your ex to get back... NC is the time you have to focus on healing yourself... gathering your thoughts, picking up the pieces, searching for your self... the goal is to heal yourself... to find the closure that you need. But of course, NC is not for everyone... but I'm one of those who believes in NC... Link to comment
Mun Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Why don't you just say your peace and get it over with then? You have to figure out what is best for YOU........we can't show you that. Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 15, 2006 Author Share Posted October 15, 2006 Why don't you just say your peace and get it over with then? You have to figure out what is best for YOU........we can't show you that. I know... sometimes its not me that knows best though Link to comment
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