Really Hurt

[tara3720]

I'm new here, and I don't know if I'm posting in the right forum, so forgive me if not.

 

i've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. we BOTH share in the problems of the relationship. The thing is, my boyfriend has an acknowledged anger problem. He even admits when something doesn't go the way he wants, most of the time he will lash out with CRUEL and hurtful words, he won't talk things out, and make me leave instead. He will look me in the eyes and tell me to "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!"

 

he is the type that pretty much blames ME for every problem we have. Plus, he is CONSTANTLY telling me that because of my age, (im in early 20's he's in mid 30's) I can't give him what he needs. It hurts to hear that because I try SO hard, I'm very faithful and loyal, and I really do my best. Im kind to him, and never once called him a name or yelled at him. I do annoying things, but he acts like I'm some evil person.

 

To get to the point, a few days before his bday, he swore that if I DIDN"T change MY behavior and start "acting like a woman" he would leave me.

He said if i cause one more problem, he will never see me again. That hurt, as if he was going to give up on me if I wasn't perfect.

 

To sum it up, i gave him an AWESOME bday, spent A LOT of money on him, pampered him to show him how much I love him, and afterwards he was the sweetest i've ever seen him. He'd been like that for days after his bday..... Well, I was confused as to why he was being so nice, and I sent him an email saying that if he still felt I wasn't enough for him, please dont' let me hold him back. HE BLEW up. now he is ignoring me, and won't talk to me for days. Please tell me, would a normal man, in a normal relationship treat me like this. It hurts, because it was just an email, now he is giving up on me so easily! I know I shouldn't have written that email, I've BEGGED his forgiveness, but I was confused because days before his bday he was telling me how I wasnt enough, then after his bday he was the sweetest ive ever seen him.

[joiseygrl]

Just what is it you're asking for forgiveness for? Being treated like dirt? Honey, this man is not showing you the love and respect you deserve. He obviously has his own issues to contend with and you are not one of them. You are merely an innocent bystander to his tirades. I strongly suggest you break away from this man before his verbal abuse turns to physical.

[tara3720]

thanks for the reply. i guess I just needed some outside perspectives to see if it was just me overreacting and/or annoying him to where he has the right to do this, or if he really is 'abnormal' in his thinking.

deep down i think i know the answer. I see my friends and their boyfriends, and they are no different than me. their bf's rarely or never ignore them or give them ultimatums no matter what happens.

 

He is so kind to me one day, then he threatens me the next, and now he is ignoring me. He said the next time I piss him off, he swears on his life he will immediately start looking for another woman so he can forget me and move on. He told me that I should look for another man too so I can forget about him. He could have said that out of anger, but it REALLY hurt me hearing that.

[joiseygrl]

Even if he does say mean things "out of anger" there is no excuse. That shows how little control he has over his anger. At this point, if it were me, I would be afraid for my safety. Please consider leaving this man. Things WILL get worse. (I spaek from personal experience.)

[babypink61]

Hi Tara,

 

Your boyfriends sounds really selfish, mterialistic, and emotional abusing. And no, it's not normal for someone to behave this way. You don't deserve to be treated like the way you do. HE should be the one changing, not you. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to satisfy his "childish" demands. Seriously though, if he's not willing to control his temper and learn how to grow up, my advice for you would be to move on and look for someone else.

[Juliana]

You know what? I'm older than he is. And I would soooo drop him like a sack of ...well, you know. He's playing massive mind games with you.

 

Honey. You're young. He's a tool. Run.

[rose2summer]

tara,

 

I am so sorry that you had to go through this.

 

I have gone through something similar before and it really hurts.

 

My ex was in his 30's and I am a decade younger, and he would tell me he wanted a younger and younger gf, but yet he wanted the maturity of an older woman.

 

Don't let him tell you what he wants in a degrading way.

 

Tell him you are going to take your beautiful and vivacious 20something body to someone who can respect it and he can wallow in his wrinkles.

 

Do not beg for forgiveness, as an abuser, that just lights his fire. Hun, I am sorry to say this, but you are being verball abused.

 

His behavior will likely escalate into physical abuse.

 

Please try to stay away from him if you can, I don't want to see you undergo his abuse.

 

Hugs, Rose

[tara3720]

thank you all for your help. I greatly appreciate it! this is exactly what I needed. I don't know if he is already looking for another woman as he said he would if i "pissed him off one more time," but if he is, it he isn't even worth one more thought or tear.

 

I've tried so hard to apologize for writing the email, even though we were having a great time and weren't fighting when I wrote it. So, i was out of line, but I don't deserve to be ignored.

I just gave him a very special birthday, and after all that, doesn't realize i would never do anything to purposfully hurt him??? I don't know if I will ever hear from him again but as you all said, he is not worth trying again with. I treated him so well, I had my problems that irritated him, but I showed so much love and loyalty to him.

Thank you all for helping me.

[Juliana]

Oh, btw, for future reference, really helpful: If a man says:

 

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!"

(you) can't give him what he needs

he would leave (you).

he will never see (you) again.

he can forget (you) and move on

 

Please, accommodate him. He's telling you what he wants. Give it to him.

 

Sometimes men open a door like that; they'll say, "you shouldn't date me, I'll hurt you." I always thank them, and leave. They consider that they have given me fair warning, if I imagine they should treat me decently, that's my fault. I don't argue. I go.

[Beec]

If he says things out of anger that are just wrong, how much different is that from a man losing his temper to such an extent that he cannot control his urge to hit you? Not far. Because he gets angry is no excuse for him to lose all control.

 

And control is at the bottom of this, he is controlling you. He attacks you and brings you down, emotionally, then when you do what he likes, he mkaes you feel good emotionally. This pattern is addictive and destructive. End it, please.

[tara3720]

you have all made some very true and helpful points. i should do what he asks and leave for good this time.

we have broken up before, and it's always HIM that calls back. I stay strong but he always calls back, plays the blame game (never an apology) and I, being weak, go back. Not this time. He may not even want me back this time. If he can let me go over this, and over such a minor thing, he isn't worth it for many reasons.

I see what a frightening temper he has, I see what he is capable of, and I see now my safety really was in jeaprody. I have to realize that no one that truly loved me would listen to me crying and apologizing, especially after spoiling him on his bday, then ignore me and dismiss me.

It really hurts, but I can do this. Thank you!

[joiseygrl]

I'm very proud of you for realizing how bad this man is for you. You've made the decision and that's the hardest part. Keep strong and come here if you need support.

[tara3720]

It will be hard, and it hurts already, but I need to realize if I stay with him, it most likely will get worse.

 

He has the capability to ignore me even after I've apologized to tears, and thats still not enough for him. It feels as if the relationship was based only on my mistakes, and not the good things I did do for him, regardless of age. Im young, but I am very mature for my age, I know how to love someone and be a good girlfriend, but he would mostly put me down.

 

I have no clue if he will ever call me again, but knowing him he is already searching for other women. He has hurt me so much like that in the past, and I stuck with him and was very patient. Did he ever see that?? NO! Sorry, I'm just venting and hurt by the fact that he can treat me this way over a small mistake, when I have showed my love and loyalty to him through MUCH worse.

 

Everyone has really helped. Thank you

[jilligirl]

your focus on the relationship problems and your feelings (e.g. that you're not enough for him) is what's driving him crazy. he doesn't want a woman who focuses on these kinds of things.

 

he does need help, though, despite all of this.

[tara3720]

It's so hard not to focus on it though. He tells me all the time that it's because of my age that I can't do this or that, and we will never be on ____ level.

THEN, after I treated him really nice on his bday, I saw a side I never saw. A very sweet and caring man who talked about the future, about traveling..... Did I mess up by sending that email???I just didn't want to fall for his kindess and caring attitude when he could turn around and be his old self again. I didn't know what to believe. It's almost as if I have to walk on eggshells to get his good side though, and I think even if I didn't send that email, his "kind streak" would have worn off..

 

Before, if I did one thing that made him mad, I was ignored for hours or days. It's a crazy feeling, but I know i'm much better off now.

[Momene]

If you have to keep trying so hard to do the "right thing", it's not worth the hassle. Move on.