really need some advice thanks in advance

[bms85]

Hey everyone I hope its not considered rude to post a problem for your second post but honestly it's the reason I searched for these forums.

 

Well to start I guess I could give you a little background about myself; I'm a 21 year old guy who has seen and been through a lot. I've explored the everglades, some jungle, and climbed mountains. I lost three of my best friends growing up two in accidents and one to suicide. After the deaths of these friends I thought would be "friends for life" I got heavy into drugs and overdosed on acid and coke. This was probably the best thing that could have happened to me because I pulled my life back together after reality set in. Now I'm telling you this not because I want anyone to feel bad for me, I accept my past and I know there are a lot of people with far more traumatizing childhoods but I'm hoping to establish grounds for a few of my insecurities.

 

Alright my girlfriend (24 years old) and I have been together for two years now, she truly is the greatest girl I have ever met having all the qualities you would want in a life long partner. She might be the only girl I have met to date I trust completely she could party all week with a bunch of guys and it wouldn't worry me in the least. I know she would never cheat on me and I know she isn't cheating on me now because I see her literally every day. There's only been a collective two weeks I haven't seen her since I met her more than two years ago. We are like best friends and we just don't get sick of each other and still love hanging out every day after we get home from work, and our currently saving for a house.

 

Which leads to the problem… our sex life; we have been together two years and I can count the number of times we have had sex on my fingers. In the last year we have had sex once. Now some of you ladies out there like my girlfriend might not think this is a big deal but to me it's huge. I can not marry someone who does not satisfy me sexually with the number of divorces in today's society I take marriage very seriously I don't want to end up a statistic. I'm not trying to rush into a marriage I know will lead to me being a walking hard on. She is putting a lot of stress on letting me know she wants a diamond ring in the near future. I have explained to her that our sex life is an issue and I can't marry knowing that I would feel constantly tempted; recently I even offered to pay for us to go see a couple's therapist to see if the added help could bring us to a conclusion.

 

Now we are at the point where I have explained the problem to her months ago and she just blows it off as if sex is nothing and I shouldn't get upset about not having it for periods of up to nine months. This lack or concern is really frustrating especially since I have explained how serious this is to me. Now I am to the point I feel I have to make a decision because I can't stay in a relationship I feel is on hold while she ignores my pleas. My only idea is to give her an ultimatum; either go to couples therapy with me or I'm going to have to break this off. To me just the thought of loosing her crushes me But I'm 21 years old shouldn't I be enjoying my sexual prime. I had far more sex being single.

 

Sorry for the novel, but any help would be appreciated I'm very confused and truly feel alone since she wont acknowledge the problem and I have no one left alive I feel comfortable enough to talk to about this so thanks in advance for any and all help.

[babypink61]

Intimacy in a relationship is a huge deal. You guys only had sex once in the past year?? That does seem to raise an alarm. How was the sex life at the beginning of your relationship? Was it about the same or was it normal? If it has decreased dramatically did you ever ask her why she's never in the mood anymore? Maybe she's just getting bored and you guys just need to do some experimenting to spice things up.

[Dako]

I doubt if annual sex will do anything but drive you crazy.

I know two married guys living that nightmare, and while I admire their tenacity, it has to be miserable to sleep with a fine woman without physical affection. I'd rather be alone that deal with that stress.

 

She's hardly bored with sex if she's not having any.

If she sees nothing wrong with her libido, there's little you can do unless she wants to seek help.

 

I wish you luck.

[bms85]

Yeah it has pretty much always been kind of slow; at first I thought maybe it was just that I like sex to much since my other girlfriends before her wanted it all the time. I just get very confused because she really is a great girl but there is defiantly nothing that has changed except it went from six times the first year to once the second. I'm trying to hold out as long as my body will let me she really is far more important to me than sex. On the other side I can't go about my life feeling tempted by every girl I come accross it's not fair to me or her.

 

Dako I'm scared i will end up like your friends

[texami]

first, i agree that this isn't a little issue... and she shouldn't be "blowing you off" like it doesn't matter. you've been more than pateint if you have told her repeatedly how you feel.

 

how does she react if you initiate sex? how does she let you know she's not interested? that would seem like an almost daily reminder of how incompatible you guys are in that area.

 

i'm not saying pressure her... but if you guys have had a few talks and she says "no, never" i don't see any alternative to not getting engaged until you are sure.

[Scout]

Hi, BMS85...welcome to eNotalone! We're here to give advice, so it's certainly not rude to ask for it.

 

I hate to give such a brief answer in response to your thoughtfully detailed post, but do you know what I'm wondering here? Based on how you describe things...is it possible your girlfriend is gay, and either isn't admitting it you, or to herself? I mean, I understand some women and men have low libidos, but what you're describing here sounds a little different than that.

[Dako]

Scout has a point. Being young, she may be conflicted about sex for some reason. For a 21 y/o to be uninterested is pretty unusual.

The guys I mentioned are over 40 and used to be active with their wives. They both feel very frustrated and are tempted to cheat, so they feel guilty. Not a good life.

[bms85]

Texami, this might be the hardest part for me; when I come on to her she just won’t return my kiss or will back away. It’s almost painful for me because I have never had problems with the ladies and the first time I was rejected for a kiss was by my current girlfriend a few months into our relationship. And since then I have been rejected more times than I can count. Not to come off as overconfident I have never got complaints I have always taken the time to sense that my partner is into it I would kiss their neck the usual foreplay type stuff I had always gotten the; you really know how to please a woman, even from one night stands. With my current girlfriend if I were to start kissing her neck she would just sit there & continue to watch TV making it painfully obvious she isn’t interested. I also kind of feel that this loss of confidence is affecting other aspects of my life which is why I am here trying to gather the strength to make an educated decision.

 

Scout, I too have thrown the idea of her possibly being gay, or even asexual but if she is she is doing a good job of covering it up. She tells me she doesn’t have a low libido and she is interested in having sex, but always has reasons for not wanting to. E.g. tired, hungry, has to go to the bathroom, or the most commonly used; I don’t feel like it right now. Which goes against all my experience; if you want it you get it its not hard to get me going .

 

Dako, yeah I too feel something is conflicting her being 24 and uninterested but she sees it as nothing to be concerned about, or at least that’s what she lets on

[Dako]

I feel for you.

If this is normal for her, I'd be careful about marriage.

To be legally and ethically kept celibate would be very painful.

Resentments can grow that threaten other parts of the relationship.

[Scout]

Have you flat out asked her if she's gay? I get the sense this whole issue of you two rarely having sex is a topic neither of you are directly confronting. Not if after two years she's able to comfortably keep saying, "I just don't feel like it."

 

You may not ever find out the reason behind this. But it sounds like the situation itself is very troubling for you. It must be hurtful for your partner to back away when you even attempt to kiss them. To be honest, you two don't even sound like boyfriend and girlfriend. More like brother and sister.

[VeganBohemian]

Did you ever ask her why it is she doesn't like having sex? it obviously isn't because you guys don't have time for it...since you see one another every day. Sex is not the main thing in a relationship, but you should be concerned for her as a caring partner that she may have some kind of phsychological disorder. Has anything happened to her sexually in the past that maybe is causing her to not want to do it now?? I was somewhat fridgid and cold sexually when I first started going out with my boyfriend only because I have anxiety and also because my family is very uptight about sex. I was so embarrassed having sex that he actually asked me if I had ever been raped or molested! Have you discussed those kinds of things?

 

It is troubling she will barely kiss you. Have you asked her why???? Did you tell her that it hurts you when she won't be affectionate? What do you do when you guys are together?

 

Has she ever had a boyfriend prior to you?

[bms85]

Dako, yeah I think I’m already starting to feel small amounts of resentment stemming from her pressure to marry knowing I truly can not unless I know things will go smooth.

 

Scout, no I haven’t flat out asked if she is gay because I feel if she is she doesn’t even know it herself. I have told her I don’t even feel like her boyfriend this hurt her deeply; she cried and said that best friends (or brothers & sisters but I used best friends) don’t kiss, which maybe a couple times a month she will give me a decent kiss. Usually when I try to kiss her passionately she just keeps her lips in the peck formation. If I ask her for a real kiss she says that was. What bothers me the most is she finds this reasonable.

[texami]

bms... ouch, that type of behavior does hurt, and i am sorry for what you're going through.

 

but, at least you are in touch with your feelings about it, and i get the idea you know that you have to figure this out before rushing into something.

 

i think that maybe you've had all the talking with her you can stand but i wonder about discussing the general level of intamacy that should be present in a relationship such as yours... not you guys specifically, but anyone? ask her if she thinks it is "normal" for her to not want to kiss you or have sex. do her friends in relationships (or even out of relationships) NEVER have sex or kiss?? ask her how she thinks a person would feel if they were constantly rejected.

 

sometimes seeing the issues outside the framework of your relationship helps. (if that makes any sense??) separate the issues from the people involved. i think that no person could argue that it is ok (or even logical??) that a person involved in a relationship who is thinking about marriage would act that way toward her or his partner.

 

above all, make sure she knows your feelings. best of luck with this

[Scout]

Again, it sounds like both of you are avoiding talking honestly and head-on about this issue, which quite candidly, is like the proverbial pink elephant in the room that everyone is pretending to ignore!

 

I'd love it if we could reveal the reasons behind this, but we're not the ones that know. Only she does. Maybe what we could help you with is figuring out how to communicate about this subject with her. After two years of being with her, it's pretty surprising you still have no idea why she almost completely refuses to be physically intimate with you.

[texami]

oops... posted before i read your last one, bms...

[VeganBohemian]

Dude, you never answered my questions.

 

She sounds like she definitely has a psychological issue revolving around romance and sex. I don't know what exactly that issue is...there can be many reasons...but judging from my experience, that is most likely the reason. She does not seem disinterested in you (wanting to marry you and all), but she does seem disinterested or panicky about being physically intimate. I really think it has nothing to do with you.

 

Please sit down with her and talk openly about this with her instead of "blaming her" (saying "I don't feel like your boyfriend"). Ask her how she feels when you have sex, kiss, etc. Why doesn't she like to do it? How does it make her feel?

[texami]

I have told her I don't even feel like her boyfriend this hurt her deeply; she cried and said that best friends (or brothers & sisters but I used best friends) don't kiss,

 

that part is kind of telling... she doesn't see the difference in a romantic relationship and best friends or siblings???

[bms85]

VeganBohemian, (sorry it took me so long to answer your question im having trouble keeping up you are all very helpfull and really fast about it) yes I have asked her once or twice if she had ever been raped or molested and I ask her routinely why she won't kiss me passionately she doesn't give me a solid answer; usually a that one is good enough. She has had about four or five previous boyfriends. As for expressing my feelings of hurt, I often tell her when something hurts me. I usually get called a drama king, and she moves on. I have asked her just about all the questions I find reasonable and I always feel like she has an answer that just says this isn't important.

 

I also realize this has nothing to do with me and she has told me this multiple times. As for asking her "Ask her how she feels when you have sex, kiss, etc. Why doesn't she like to do it? How does it make her feel?" I tried this approach first. And I always get one of two results either she takes offence or defense. Leading me to believe it is a serious issue it is this detail that keeps me here; what kind man would I be if I didn't stick by her side and help her with her problems. But since she is unwilling to talk to me about it I don't what to do, she turned down my request for couples therapy .

 

Texami, thanks you have brought up a few questions I haven't asked. I always assume she just feels this is normal by her response, I think I will ask her these questions tonight. My parents always said assuming only makes an * * * out of U and Me get it assume lol.

 

Scout, I assure you I have tried every approach I have thought of to try to talk to her about this, she is shutting me off to getting any real answers and lately it is getting really hard for me to talk to her because her blow me off answers are angering me. Which I understand will get me know where but alone. I do love her a great deal which is why I am still attempting to sort this out but it's hard because I'm trying to figure it out with very little support for her.

[bms85]

that part is kind of telling... she doesn't see the difference in a romantic relationship and best friends or siblings???

 

I think she knows the difference but it bothers me that the difference she sees is that they dont kiss.

[Scout]

Well, I think you've done an admirable job here of trying to be supportive and directly questioning the issue to her. No one can argue against that.

 

But at this point, it's not really about what kind man you would be to give up on her. The issue is what kind of woman is she to be dishonest with you about this issue, to refuse to really address it, to discount your very real concerns and needs as unimportant, and to not put the same amount of effort into dealing with this issue as you are? While I may sympathize with whatever internal issues she has behind this, I have little sympathy for the fact she's allowed you for two years to put up with her lack of effort to address a critical issue.

 

It seems to me you've done more than most would here. I can practically guarantee that the longer this relationship stays the way it is, the less you will remain the kind, supportive, understanding man you are now. Seriously. You're going to end up deeply resentful, frustrated, and angry. You could possibly even stray from the relationship. At that point, you will not be the same guy you were going into this relationship. In my opinion, it would be far better to end a relationship than stay in it if it would make you compromise important values.

[bms85]

I really don’t think she is being dishonest; I just get confused because she is so good at hiding emotions. Her parents are divorced and her mother clearly favored her younger sister while growing up, I know she has deep rooted issues. I think she is just scared of getting hurt I feel like there is something she doesn’t want to tell me but she insists everything is fine. I really feel trapped and frustrated now. I have been around and been in love before, I never thought I would find someone I love more than my first love but she has blown my first love away .I could go on for days about all the reasons I love her its just these few big issues it would be a shame for us to not be able to move past this. But your point of the lack of effort to address this really does make me feel resentment which I in turn feel guilty for.

[Scout]

Ok, when you're hiding your emotions from your partner, you're withholding from them. That's cheating the relationship. She's telling you she's just not in the mood, all kinds of excuses, she's turning it around as if it's wrong for you to think this is an important problem to address, and that's dishonest.

 

I am curious as to why you think she has a fear of getting hurt, and how this translates into her being repulsed by almost any kind of physical intimacy?

[bms85]

Alright I see your point now I guess I just want to deny it she is such a great girl in every other way.

 

I guess I feel like she is scared of getting hurt because I'm trying to make up reasons to explain why she doesn't want to talk to me about these things. I'm so confused and I'm terrified of loosing her. Also, I don't want to accept the fact that it's possible we just aren't compatible sexually. I mean there's a million reasons why we should be together and a few why we are on the rocks. If I don't try to talk to her about romance things are perfect she rock climbs with me, hikes, parties, cuddles, we laugh joke and have a great time. I get lots of hugs just no kisses.

[Scout]

I understand you love her, and don't want to lose her. What I fear is that all this is taking a terrible toll on your self-esteem and general trust of women. To be constantly rejected for two years...that's gotta be doing something negative to your emotional well-being.

 

It may very well come down to deciding what's more important: that you remain a healthy, emotionally well-adjusted guy yourself, or stay in a frustratingly unsatisfying relationship with someone because you don't want to lose her, and eventually turn into a very unhappy person.

 

Personally, I think you've made enough sacrifices in this relationship.

 

I'm not saying that sex is everything in a relationship. There are other ways people can connect, but the complete absense of sex in a permanently exclusive relationship is something else, if it's by one partner's choice. If she had moral, ethical, etc. issues about waiting until marriage to have sex, that would be an entirely different thing. What is happening here is different. She is turned off by the idea of sex. Things wouldn't change at all if you two got married.

 

There is something going on here that you can't fix, friend. She won't even talk about this, much less go to counseling. I'm afraid you're faced with a brick wall. And it's not going to get better.

[bms85]

Yeah that’s what I’m scared of, I really cant express enough how much I love her and I know she loves me. I guess I have to just admit to myself its out of my control. Do you think its wrong to post an ultimatum; lets get professional help or split?