Finding my own stage

[Nick_t]

Hi guys,

 

At this moment in time I am in the process of finding my own stage of my break up -

 

The reason is my ex and I still see each other everyday, either bumping into each other or seeing each other out. She is still at Uni, and I work at the Uni in the sports office. I'm always out and so is she, and as the Uni is a small place I see her around campus all the time, plus we share all the same friends.

 

Recently we are getting on better as friends - its difficult for me because i'm the dumpee and have accepted it is over - i have admitted to her that I do miss my best friend.

 

Basically I am trying to find my own stage in the break up as it's impossible to have NC, LC, ignore her, cause tension between our friends - its hard but the only way I feel I can cope with the whole situation.

 

The good thing is she is starting to open up to me a little bit more, there is that excitment when she sees me and we are having a laugh more. We even are like meeting for lunch and coffee now and again.

 

Yes I do admit I am not over her, but I DO NOT SEE THIS AS A SIGN SHE WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER!! THERE IS NO HOPE. What i'm trying to do is get that bond back where we can feel free to be best friends again, and then the rest will come. But it will take time, and alot of time, and at the moment I am trying to concentrate on myself before that can happen.

 

But trying to find a stage were we can get on amicably and be open with each other - only time will tell if it will work, and I know alot of you will honestly say it won't, but I won't know unless I try, plus I feel I have no other option. I don't want to lose who I see as the person I can tell anything too.

[Dako]

You seem to be doing very well so far.

There are no rules to breaking up, and each couple has a different dynamic. I fully understand the reason for your line in caps. Many people believe exes can't be friends, probably because they couldn't do it. It takes patience and maturity to see your ex and not long for them or reject them. Well-meaning observers interpret friendship as a humiliating stage after a breakup, sort of settling for crumbs. You don't need advice from these judgemental people.

Real friendships are scarce. I hope you continue to work through this phase of adjustment.

 

I'm friends with my ex, and although it took a while of walking on eggs, we have fun together.

[Pegasus]

Dako,

 

so you say you could be a friend after BU with someone who cheated on you and that is just about maturity?

 

Okie

[Dako]

I never said that.

Not every breakup is over infidelity.

If cheating were an issue, it would be harder to be friends.

 

I have a relative who is still on good terms with her ex, who cheated on her with his current wife. They aren't really close, but they stay in touch, hug and reminisce. I see it as a sign of maturity to accept the past and deal with it.

 

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, I don't suggest every couple should or can be friends. It's up to them, just as it was their call to get involved. The OP is obviously choosing to stay friends.

[Chibby33]

I agree with Dako - go with your own comfort level. As long as you choose the safe path, no strings attached.

[Nick_t]

Thanks for your input - I'm hoping my maturity and patience regarding the whole situation will show here and help me when I eventually move on into another relationship. I made her a good luck card yesterday and signed off 'your friend, love Nick'. We spoke online last night, and she thanked me and said she appreciated it.

 

However we got into a convo regarding how its going, and she said I am drawing myself closer to her and she doesn't want to get too close to me because she doesn't want to hurt me by accident and be the bad guy again with our friends. I said that I am finding it hard seeing someone I shared everything with slide away, and I miss her company and the bond we had. She said she misses it too and said I can still talk to her for hours but need to pick my moments. She said I need to cool it, because she knows how I feel, and she appreciates all my support, and I've told her by txt, by card and to her face. and she doesn't need that because she understands how I feel, what I mean.

 

I just said thats the person I am and i'm not going to change, but said I will stop as I can't say anymore. (to be honest I have been very cool about this, and only talk to her when I see her, so i'm not acting desperate).

 

At the end of the day she does want me as her best friend, she said she wants to tell me everything but knows she can't, thats why she doesn't, and thats why she is trying to not get too close herself. She already hurts because she hurt me and never wanted to, so I guess she doesn't want to go through it again. She left the convo by saying i'm off to make my tea so need to go, and said but we'll talk soon yeah?

 

I said yeah cool, she said see you soon, and I said see you soon - end of convo.

 

So basically I will stop it altogether, and if she wants the friendship then she will come and get it. I've made the effort to show her I want to be a good friend. I have played it cool and we both have admitted that we care for each other. But she said cool it, then that is exactly what I will do, even more. I was going to watch her play netball today. I said to her I might watch the 1s, and she said no come and watch the 2s (the team she plays in). Think I won't go at all, or go and watch the 1s.

 

Anyway what do you think I need to do?

[Dako]

I agree with backing off. She'll be more comfortable with a friendship if she's not suspicious of your motives. She needs that reassurance to feel safe from more drama. She sounds like a good person.

[Nick_t]

Yeah I agree -

 

Yesterday played it very cool and wasn't forward at all, kept my distance.

 

Saw her briefly at Netball but made the point I went to watch the 1s.

 

Saw her briefly last night in the bar, just got on with having a laugh with my mates, then saw her a little bit in the club but didn't really speak to her. I received some news about my nan which made me down, then I saw her and I looked down - she thought it was because of her and I said no sorry just received some bad news bout Nan, she said really I just said yeah and went to walk off. She said call her tomorrow (today) and I said yeah, but I won't, like I said I'm cooling it off.

 

The thing I am so struggling to cope with, to heal is the thought of her going off with someone else at the end of the night. Does anyone know how to get over this, cope with this, forget about it and not to worry bout it?

[Dako]

If you can try to admire the guy for his good taste, and just to know she has someone to comfort her is a help.

Cold comfort at best. I understand.

[Nick_t]

Dako,

 

I like that way of looking at it - very mature and in its own way stylish. Instead of getting envious admire him for his taste in women, and don't show ur anger.

 

Hard but need to keep strong! Mornings are always rubbish, and get me down.

 

Funny yesterday - speaking to her online again, had an ok chat, joking, talking, nothing serious, stayed cool. However she was saying how she was so drunk on Wednesday she couldn't remember anything but still asked me who I was hugging and dancing with (even though she knew who she was cause she said she met her earlier that night and thought she was lovely) and was asking if this girl and I are going to get together, and if that was the girl I was walking home with last week hugging etc. And yesterday day she came to find me at lunch to borrow some money for lunch even though she was with her mates who could have lent her some, plus txting me in her lecture afterwards to ask a random question.

 

Why do girls do this?

[Dako]

Even friendship after a breakup has its own rituals, almost like dating.

 

I drove to the ex's to pick up a prescription but forgot my wallet. She showed up with her ID and cash to get it for me at the pharmacy, then gave me $50 so I could have a good day before going home.

She asked me to get her a PC, so I bought it and set it up for her.

We go out to lunch, I stop buy to pick up tools from our former home and we tour the house.

 

All these exchanges are full of gestures to maintain our friendship without giving the wrong impression. It's a delicate, bittersweet process that I cherish. It puzzles me that its so uncommon.