Was I molested?

[yagonga]

In 1982 a month and a half before my 17th birthday I began a 4 and a half year relationship with my highschool band director (age 26). the relationship was our secret for 2 years until the end of freshman year in college (I would have been 18 when to the outside world we would have "began dating"). Prior to age 18 there were secret sleepovers, lots of fondling, oral sex and once there was "accidental" penetration but never ejaculation inside me.

this relationship had a long drawn out ending over about 6 months during which I found out he was beginning another affair with a then current senior student of his. This ending was a horrible horrible episode in my life. I believe there was at least one student before me too. In the 20 years since I have not been able to get completely past this relationship. it has haunted me ever since even though I am married with 3 teen/pre teen children.

Was I molested/raped even though it was consensual?

Lately I have been battleing this demon more and more due to all the press regarding student/teacher relationships and possibly my own child becoming involved in a high school activity. What do I need to do so that I can put this issue to rest and not still be haunted by it 20 years from now?

[Ians Mommy]

Although it might have been statuatory rape depending on where you live, I don't think it would be molestation because you were a willing participant.

[DN]

Hi - and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I don't think you could count it as a true molestation. He had some sort of power-imbalance relationship and that would make it illegal. But it was consensual on your part and your biggest concern seems to be the way it ended rather than the way it began.

 

You should seek some counselling to help you deal with this issue.

[rose2summer]

I agree with IM, molestation is when it's non-consensual, so although it's not molestation, it may be considered statuatory rape.

 

Generally, when someone of or over the age of consent has sex with someone below the age of consent, it is considered statutory rape.

 

In other words, if he was over the age of consent and had sex with you when you were under the age of consent, even though you willingly had sex with him, he is guilty of statutory rape.

 

It also depends on where you are.

 

To find out the age of consent where you are, check link removed, which gives the ages of consent around the world.

 

I am sorry you are distressed about this.

 

Please check the link in my signature about rape crisis centers.

 

Hugs, Rose

[WorkNProgress]

I have to agree with DN on this one. I wouldn't call this rape or molestation. This relationship went on for 4 years and had a rocky start and an obviously rocky ending.

I think counseling will help you with whatever you are feeling about this time in your life. Did something happen recently that has made this feeling come back to haunt you?

[Tigris]

Is he still teaching? Are your children going to be attending that school soon?

 

I think something's triggered it off too.

[Juliana]

Wait a minute. Hold everything.

 

The reason that there is such a thing as "statutory rape" is that it is generally understood that, below a certain age, people cannot consent to sex. Regardless of what they are saying, they are in fact being raped.

 

So, yes, you were molested.

 

Pedophiles are very, very good at getting children to go along with the activities. They may threaten, or they may cajole. Some do not consider what they are doing to be wrong, if they can convince themselves the child wanted it.

 

The reality is, if you below the legal age of consent, you were molested. If this had not been the case, would it be troubling you as much now? I don't think so.

[AwdreeHpburn]

yago - I really feel for you. Even tho you were 17 and consented - you were taken advantage of in a sense. Because, as DN said, he was in a power of authority, which is why that is illegal.

 

I know how it feels to look back at those ages that when you were, you felt so mature and grown up but now you realize you young you truly were.

 

I'm sorry for the situation. I agree, it may be time to seek a professional to talk to who is familiar with sexual abuse type cases.

[New_Horizons]

You were 17. Not 11.

 

Sorry to have to break it to you but you're trying to rationalize guilt by thinking of it as molestation. Of course whether you should even feel guilty or not is another story.

 

I agree that in a perfectly legal sense it was statutory rape but it's a question of semantics.

[southerngirl]

While it may have indeed 'not' been a molestation it was wrong.

 

He was a teacher having an affair with a student. That is wrong on so many levels.

 

Now he has moved on from her to another STUDENT.

 

While it was consenting on your part, it doesnt make it right in my opinion. If he is still teaching he is a threat to everyones child that is under his care.

[Fallout]

Ok of course it was not molestation...at 17 you knew what you were doing, and frankly him being 26 it wasn't that much of a problem...

 

Clearly the sex part didn't affect you since you went into a 4 1/2 yr relationship with him...but the breakup did and his behavior during the relationship...

 

You have the right to be worried about your children tho, one thing is when he's 26 and quite onther when he's 43-44 or something like that...

 

Juliana : are you saying if a girl is a day from her 18 years birthday and she has sex with a guy who is 18 and a day, it's statutory rape and the guy should be jailed? LOL that's what the law says, but we have to use judgement...

 

The reality today is that ALOT of girls are mega-slutty...and flirt with teachers alot because they want to! (I'm not suggesting that was you, I don't think it's the case). I have a friend that was teaching for a few months a year ago...he was 25 then and had sex with a 15 year old student...the horror stories he told me about how many girls came on to him! (he's good looking lol) and no he's in no way a paedophile...we have to differentiate between teenage girls and pre-prubesecent girls

[New_Horizons]

The reality today is that ALOT of girls are mega-slutty...and flirt with teachers alot because they want to! ...we have to differentiate between teenage girls and pre-prubesecent girls

 

 

Damn right man! It takes two to tango.

[Juliana]

Hey. Do you think this guy didn't plan this? Didn't know exactly what he was doing? I don't think he grabbed her and did her so close to her birthday by accident; there was a long period of setting her up for it.

 

Come on. 26 years old, working in a high school, having sex with the students? Not just one student, either?

 

He'd lose his job in a hot minute. Because everyone would know what he was.

 

Your example, by the way, is crap.

[Fallout]

No, my example is correct as far as that law is concerned...and shows its limitation....17 year olds are pretty much adults, especially girls which are known to mature quicker than boys..

 

Sure he should lose his job fine by me, but not go to jail...the question asked was if she was molested, and imo she wasn't, they went on to have a 4 1/2 year relationship!!

 

I'm not saying that guy isn't a jerk, he surely sounds like he was/is but that doesn't mean he molested her either!

[Juliana]

You want, for whatever reason, to try to justify this guy's behaviour, but do not get hung up on the idea of winning an argument and totally miss the point:

 

- 17 is not 18.

- This guy hid his behaviour; i.e. he knew it was wrong

- He must have done something to seduce her prior to the event.

- A ten year age difference is huge at that age; less so when a person is 30 and their partner 40 -- when both are adults.

- Just because it went on for four and a half years does not make it a consensual relationship.

- Why should he lose his job, and not go to jail? Why a half punishment, if there was nothing wrong with what he did? It harmed her mentally and emotionally; if he'd gotten her pregnant, what a disaster.

- The fact that he moved on to another student tells us everything we need to know about this guy. He's found a pool of victims and he's using them.

[Fallout]

Well this topic might gest closed but I'll post anyway because I enjoy a debate..

 

I am not justifying his behavious, I stated I thought he was a jerk, I dislike him but that doesn't mean I'm going to blame everything under the sun on him. Now I'll start countering your arguments, hope you actually read them :

 

- 17 might as well be 18, many 17 year olds are more mature than 22 year olds, the statutory rape law is just a number on a piece of paper, the whole law is silly considering in some states it's 16 in others 18...guess they grow up slower in those states haha. Besides, if you had actually read the OP's post they only had oral sex till she was 18. Which is ok even within that stupid law

 

- since when does hiding something automatically mean it's wrong ??? Alot of gay people in intolerant environments hide, some maybe throughout their life...guess homosexuality is wrong then ? You really need to construct better arguments, based on logic would be nice...

 

- "Just because it went on for four and a half years does not make it a consensual relationship " - What exactly do you mean ? he wasn't raping her, beating her or abusing her in any way, of course it was consensual.

 

- He should lose his job because what he did was against his employer's policy, probably a breech of contract. Him being a teacher or the sex they had did not harm her in any way, his cheating and lying to her did. What you're saying basically is that cheaters should get fired and locked up in jail...well that would create a whole lot of parking space for sure!

[Juliana]

If my arguments need to be more logical, could yours get in touch with reality? If 17 might as well be 18, then 16 might as well be 17, and let's call the whole thing off. Don't be ridiculous. The statutory rape law is yes, a number on a piece of paper. The number says he is a rapist. You might not like it, or agree with it, but in the eyes of the law, you are wrong.

 

It's extraordinary that you say that oral-genital contact with underage children is permissible under a statutory rape law. I doubt that. However, the essense of the dynamic of child molestation is exploitation. It's that he approached her sexually at all that's the problem, not what they did.

 

Pedophiles can often involve children in relationships that last for years. They are not consensual relationships; again, the problem is exploitation. No matter what benefit the pedophile may feel they are offering the child, the child is damaged by the relationship, as unfortunately, this woman has been.

 

"Him being a teacher or the sex they had did not harm her in any way, his cheating and lying to her did. What you're saying basically is that cheaters should get fired and locked up in jail"

 

So...you're saying that teachers should be able to have sex with students, as long as they don't cheat, or lie?

 

What I am saying is that this man is a child molester. You seem to think there is some other way to view this situation, some way that he did something else to her besides have sex with her when she was underage, that caused her to be hurt. Now you're saying it's because he lied and cheated. No:

 

She has realized that she was part of a pattern, that he is doing to other girls what he did to her. For most victims of molestation, that is when it really hits them. It is when they see it happening to other children, that they finally see clearly what was done to them. It's as if they can't allow themselves to really feel or understand what's happening when it's happening to them, but they can if they see it happen to someone else. What's she's experiencing isn't unusual.

 

She can and should choose to deal with it in the best way for herself. But I think that the school board should be informed of the sexual contact he had with her. Men who prefer underage girls do not tend to outgrow that preference, and he is probably still attempting to have sex with girls at the school.

 

I know you're trying to make a good argument by bringing in the homosexuals (poor homosexuals get dragged through the mud by their defenders as often as their accusers, it seems sometimes; here they are being used to justify a teacher hiding a sexual relationship with a minor), but homosexuality has nothing to do with this. People hide their lack of religious belief, for example, if they think it's out of step with their neighbours. They also hide murder. Atheism is not the same as murder.

 

I can argue this, although it's not a subject I enjoy discussing. I'm getting the feeling from you that you have a preference for how things should be that isn't actually possible in reality. In reality, 26 year old men who pursue sexual relationships with 16 year olds are creepy, creepy guys. This guy is considerably worse than a jerk; would you want to know him? Is this someone you would want to hang out with? Stop and ask yourself what you really think of this behaviour, before you try to defend it. Because in trying to defend your opinion that this woman was not raped or molested, you have ended up defending his behaviour.

[laboheme]

I'm not even going to try to address the great debate...

 

I don't think the issue at hand is whether the OP was molested or raped. What the teacher did was wrong, we all seem to agree on that. It doesn't seem like anyone's going to press charges, so we don't even need to discuss the legal repercussions (which vary by state anyway and may have changed in the last 20 years). Given that this happened a long time ago, it's hard to judge whether the relationship was truly consensual or whether it was a type of coercion/seduction. I really don't think that trying to categorize the experience as rape, molestation, or simply bad judgment is necessary.

 

The issue at hand is, how to deal with it today?

 

Have you openly talked about your experience with others? Your family? Your husband? A therapist? Your concern for your children is very understandable, but the fact that you went through this actually gives you an advantage. So many people don't consider the dangers of student/teacher relationships and let their kids go to school unprepared for that kind of situation, despite news articles. You know that's not going to be the case with you!

 

It is VERY important to talk to your children about situations like this -- although you don't necessarily have to mention that you've experienced them firsthand. Make sure they know where to draw the line between a good, caring teacher and an overly attentive one, what behaviors to watch for. Make sure they know that certain things are taboo! Talk to them about their teachers, go to parent-teacher conferences...You may not be the only one with these concerns, so talk to their friends' parents as well -- they may know something about the school/teachers that you don't. Just be careful to not get too overprotective -- instead try to instill good judgment in them so that they know how to recognize a bad situation. (And this goes for any kind of inappropriate sexual relationship, not just student/teacher!)

 

Perhaps knowing that you're helping your children avoid making the same mistake will help you get rid of your personal demons...And perhaps there's a larger group effort to monitor teachers' behavior that you can get involved with so that you're helping others as well...

[Fallout]

Look Juliana..you are treating a 17 year old as a child! a 17 year old is far from being a child, they can make their own judgement

 

Was she a child at 21, and 22 as well when she was still in a relationship with him? People that are genuinely raped don't just go and start 4 year relationships with their rapists.

 

And no I'm not defending his behavior, but child molestation should not be trivialized the way you are doing it, that can hurt the real molestation cases.

 

His character has nothing to do with that issue. Yes he is a jerk and he should get fired, but in no way does that mean he molested her at the time. Having consensual sex with a 17 year old is not child molestation, that's ridiculous! That's the core issue with your argument, you think a 26 yo having sex with a 17 yo is a paedophile and that 17 yo a child...and noone here agrees with that, even the OP said her sufferings came from him cheating on her, so I'm not "making that up" as you put it to justify his behavior.

[avman]

Knock it off you two and stick to helping the OP

[lolobolo]

I will agree that although certainly in the ~UK this would not under any umbrella be classed as rape, that this man clearly is manipulative and exploitative in his role as teacher to pubescent girls.

It is very difficult when your children are about to hit a similar age to the period where you have your unresolved isues- it is clear that you are very concearned that they will be taken advantage of in this way - or worse.

As an adult it is terrifying when you reflect on these time in your life, and the hardest thing to accept, is that at the time, you allowed yourself to be in that situation.

There will always be these predatory nasties in our midst, and it may be helpful to get therapy regarding your own personal issues about this time.

This will also allow you to be secure withyour children and know that what happened was not on any part your fault or directed by you, but an unfortunate run in with an arsehole!!!!!

 

Having had a similar experience, my daughter hit her teens this year, and true to form i turned to jelly and took therapy.

 

Love and best wishesxxxxx