Losing The Ability To Love

[OriginOfSymmetry]

Is it possible to lose your ability to love another person?

 

Three and a half years ago my girlfriend and I broke up after a four year relationship. I loved her deeply and had contemplated marriage. I thought that she might be the "one" but as it turned out she wasn't. Once I came to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be spending the rest of my life with this woman something inside of me died. It took me a few months but I eventually got over her and have tried dating women here and there since. I find myself completely void of interest when I go out with women. I genuinely have no desire to love someone again. More so, I don't think I am able to love. I feel truly indifferent.

Anyone else have these problems?

[Chibby33]

I am actually at that point. My fiance and I broke up over a month ago and I cannot imagine myself being with anybody anymore. Yes a part of me still loves him, and being on a date with someone feels like I'm cheating on him even though we're not together.

 

But going back to your post, I dont see myself being able to offer that kind of love to another anymore. Maybe I lost faith or interest in it. Or the fear that it will only lead to another break-up. Or maybe I'm just tired and dont believe in it anymore.

[Daddy Bear]

when we feel as though our hearts are gone for good, we have given them to the wrong people and we need to get them back. in this, the healing effect of time should not be underestimated. in addition, keeping the healthy attitude that we are worthy to give and receive love will speed the process along immeasurably. none of us deserves to let anyone take that part of us away.

[TheRedQueen]

First off,

 

I absolutely love your username.

 

And now, to answer your question, yes I believe one can lose their capacity to open themselves to love.

 

Emotions can be a very messy thing, and love can prove to be nothing less than catastrophic.

 

So what's your other option then,yes you guessed right, apathy. To feel apathetic is to choose not to feel at all. It's a safe choice but it's also boring as hell. There's always a price, always...

[OriginOfSymmetry]

First off,

 

I absolutely love your username.

 

 

Thanks.

 

I'm actually dating someone right now. I recognize the fact that she's a great person but I feel little when I'm with her. When we kiss I don't feel the fireworks I felt years ago. When she hugs me and my head is resting on her shoulder I just stare off into space, my mind blank. I keep dating hoping to feel something again but it just doesn't happen. I don't exactly feel sad by lack of emotion I just feel that something is lacking from my life.

[TheRedQueen]

I was happily stewing in my self-proclaimed apathy for what had been a peacefully long while, when much to my surprise and eventual chagrin, I got side-swiped by some guy who for some strange reason managed to pry my iron-shut heart ajar, the second I started to open myself up to him as well as my emotions, he bailed.

 

Such is life.

 

Well, I guess the grass is always greener cause boy, oh boy, what I would do to regain my emotional distance...

[talo]

I'm actually dating someone right now. I recognize the fact that she's a great person but I feel little when I'm with her. When we kiss I don't feel the fireworks I felt years ago. When she hugs me and my head is resting on her shoulder I just stare off into space, my mind blank. I keep dating hoping to feel something again but it just doesn't happen. I don't exactly feel sad by lack of emotion I just feel that something is lacking from my life.

 

Perhaps two possibilities:

 

You have not really 'got over' your previous relationship.

Or:

You are maturing.

 

You say your new date is a "great person" and that you "feel little when I'm with her". If she is a great person, doesn't this mean that you appreciate her? And if you appreciate her, could this be called feeling for her? If so, could this feeling be a form of love?

 

As we mature, romantic love tends to be subsumed by appreciative love. In appreciative love, what may be called 'missing' or 'lacking' is the ideas or ideals that are part of romantic love. Such ideals/ideas are not really missing or missed, they are just seen to be idealistic.

 

I feel truly indifferent.

 

Appreciative love could be called "indifferent" if not appreciated.

[TheRedQueen]

talo,

 

I think you are onto something here.

 

Damn it, becoming an adult really bites the big one!!!!!!

[langford]

Give it more time perhaps alot more time...the feelings you had for her were distinct on their own,you can't create them again with someone else.

 

You don't have to throw out everything you had together and suddenly begin all over again so soon.Your heart is probably still 100% with her even if you physically are'nt.

 

Maybe you should'nt date at all,at least not until you know if your capable of loving someone again,its like any break or fracture it takes time to repair itself...sometimes years.

 

It's probably best not to date the other girl when your obviously only half there/almost not there emotionally it does'nt seem very fair.

[OriginOfSymmetry]

Give it more time perhaps alot more time...the feelings you had for her were distinct on their own,you can't create them again with someone else.

You don't have to throw out everything you had together and suddenly begin all over again so soon.Your heart is probably still 100% with her even if you physically are'nt.

Maybe you should'nt date at all,at least not until you know if your capable of loving someone again,its like any break or fracture it takes time to repair itself...sometimes years.

It's probably best not to date the other girl when your obviously only half there/almost not there emotionally it does'nt seem very fair.

 

The pain from my previous relationship has long since passed. I came to terms with what happened and have no regret of any kind. As I've thought more on why I can't feel love it may be simply an aversion. One gets attacked by a shark and survives. This might create an aversion to swimming in the ocean or in an extreme case an aversion to water in general. I think I may just have an aversion to close human contact. I'd say that 90% of the time I'm content with being single. I may choose to live the rest of my life without my "better half". It's probably easier in the long run.

[TheRedQueen]

^ Wow. Absolutely brilliant.

[Daddy Bear]

Origin, even though you may be completely over the girl in question, if the trauma induced by the ending of this relationship has left you with an aversion to love that you didn't have before, then it seems intuitive to at least explore the idea that perhaps there is some residual scarring which it may benefit you to recognize and deal with. after all, not everyone who suffers a nasty breakup subsequently abandons all thought of having a partner around.

 

my monolithic and notoriously man-loathing good friend TRQ will no doubt find any such suggestion disagreeable to her, but the possibility nonetheless exists and i'd like to hear what you think about it.

[silky88]

funny enough, that is what my current boyfriend used to say when i was just friends with him (for about a month and a half before we hooked up):

 

"i'm not interested in dating anyone"

 

"a girl broke my heart seven years ago and i've never loved since"

 

"i'm good at being single"

 

"i gave up on love"

 

"i'm too picky, i don't like any girls that i meet"

 

but sometimes it just takes the right person and the right set of circumstances -- if it took him *seven* years of not dating to find someone he clicked with, don't you lose hope after less than four. we're so happy now, ten months later, that it makes people sick!

[langford]

It's probably easier in the long run.

 

 

Probably,but who wants an easy life? you might as well just buy a plastic bubble suit and be done with it.I had a bad car accident a few days ago it does'nt mean i'm never getting into a car again.By aversion I think you actually mean fear and if you're going to live your live in fear..of being injured/hurt/attacked again then your probably never going to be able to love.It's really a choice between fear or love.

[BillyJean714]

I see what you're saying. I agree. It does get more and more tough once you get hurt.

 

People get jaded as we get older, because nothing's ever what it seems. At first, we're naiive. Everything seems so wonderful. When you love someone and you treat them right, they turn around and hurt and cheat on you. When you're nice, you get hurt. When you're not nice and not being yourself, you're still hurt. Either way, seems like it's a neverending cycle.

 

Sorry I wasn't much help. I guess I'm pretty jaded too..

[GottaLetItBurn]

Look up the word dissociation. I believe it happens in mild cases, and you may just be experiening the mildest part of it. It takes a long time to get over someone, for you to get your feeling back. Trust me, I feel out of it, I feel empty, but I know it's a stage. It may take a long time, but man 4 years. You still need to heal, or it may just be you have to wait to find someone better than her.

 

It's okay, feeling disconnected because not every girl matches up to your ex. Give it a lot of time.

[mindreader]

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