What do you think of this letter? How would you react (guys especially)?

[ebsmith1]

A guy friend at work wrote this letter for me to send to my ex. What would you think if you got this?

I am writing you this letter for multiple reasons, but none are the reasons that you would assume. First, I want to apologize for the excessive e-mails and phone calls. At the time I was upset and hurt after ending a long term relationship that I was thinking would end in marriage. In retrospect, perhaps I could have handled it a little better, but would you have done much better if the tables were turned? I was essentially blind-sided by your revelation that you may be moving too fast and second guessing our commitment that we made to each other. You know exactly how I feel about you and where I thought our relationship was headed and to some degree I think you deceived me into believing that you genuinely felt that way as well.

 

Your actions over the past months have really opened my eyes to how you truly feel about me and us. I want nothing more that for this to be a bump in the road on our way to a long and meaningful relationship, but as days go by I see your unwillingness to put any effort into repairing our intimate bond. Several times in the past few weeks, I have told you that I would wait for you and how I want you to be able to overcome some of your reservations about a lasting relationship, but your actions do not tell me that you have any intention of doing so. It would be foolish of me to feel that way now. It seems to me that you are more concerned with self-gratification and self-indulgence than about me and what we were supposedly working towards.

 

With that being said, many times I have wanted a call from you to hear that you have thought long and hard and being with me is what you defiantly want. As the days go by, that feeling is slowly going away and I have realized that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, not someone who can ignore me knowing that they have hurt me and left me to muddle through dejection on my own. The man I was looking to marry was caring, but the man I am seeing is callous and insensitive to my feelings. Like I said before, I want someone who wants to be with me and if that's not what you want, tell me directly. Stop playing games and telling me that you are trying to figure things out when you are basically having a good time and having me sit patiently by until you think you know what you want. You know that I don't have and extensive background in relationships and game playing is not my nature. I want us to be together, but if it's going to take me losing my self esteem to do so, I'd rather not. You won't receive any more correspondence from me, be it phone calls, e-mails, etc. I finally get what you're telling me.

[Dako]

If I got that letter, I'd feel dumped, told off and kicked to the curb in flames.

[lunatic]

Personally, I would think you were trying to end things but, you really show how much your hurting in this letter also. I would cut this part out of the letter and send it to him.

 

The man I was looking to marry was caring, but the man I am seeing is callous and insensitive to my feelings. Like I said before, I want someone who wants to be with me and if that’s not what you want, tell me directly. Stop playing games and telling me that you are trying to figure things out when you are basically having a good time and having me sit patiently by until you think you know what you want. You know that I don’t have and extensive background in relationships and game playing is not my nature. I want us to be together, but if it’s going to take me losing my self esteem to do so, I’d rather not.

 

As I have said before you sound like your bitter and hurt which could boost his ego. I would just drop the letter without the part I quoted and leave it be. Move on and learn to forgive him (never forget). Someday you will meet someone who will see the qualities you have to offer and will respond in kind.

 

Be strong and move on.

 

Good luck!

 

Hub

[SeaBisquit]

noooooooo. i agree with Dako.

[Relationship Coach]

I would think that you were looking for a response and this is just another tactic. The strongest message contains no words, it's called action. Turn the tables on him and move on. If he wanted you, he'd be with you.

 

RC

[lunatic]

I would think that you were looking for a response and this is just another tactic. The strongest message contains no words, it's called action. Turn the tables on him and move on. If he wanted you, he'd be with you.

 

RC

 

 

I totally agree with RC on this one!

[Jupiter]

I agree with relationship coach .

the less you say , the more it will say ,

Im finding that out for myself the hard way .

I feel you thought , my ex girlfriend just called 5 mins ago.

Ive stopped hoping for her , She will sense that over time ,

and the message will be clearer than anything i could have said,

good luck to you

[Jupiter]

maybe you can read my thread and tell me if we are kinda

in the same boat here

[Dako]

I agree, Ellie.

If a relationship ends painfully, more pain won't help.

I'd just move on without sending it.

 

I wrote a long letter to my ex at one point and never sent it.

Why hurt her?

[ebsmith1]

My co-worker was talking to me about the relationship. He said I needed to send it for my own closure, not to bring him back. He said he's done the same thing my guy has done to women before. He said it won't bring him back, but he needs to be confronted with how he treats people. I'm not sending it right away. I'm going to do NC for a while and see how that goes. If its not going to get me what I want, at least my piece will be said.

[texasman123]

I wouldn't send it. If he is acting like a jerk he will read it and laugh it off. If he truly feels bad then hearing nothing would be better IMO. He shouldnt get anymore of your attention....

[sillygurl]

Maybe you could wait a little while longer, like a month or so, and then see if you still want to send it? When dealing with emotional issues, time is always the best teacher. Since your intention is closure, and you know he'll probably not respond, it might be best for you to wait and see if you still want to send the letter after some time passes. You're probably still feeling hurt and confused, and you don't want these feelings to cloud your judgement...you don't want to end up regretting having sent it, that would make you feel worse!

 

You know, it wouldn't hurt for you to write him a few more letters- that you DON'T intend to send!- about how you feel, what a jerk he was, how he hurt you, etc. as a way of getting the yuck out of your heart. They say that's supposed to help when someone has hurt you.

[ebsmith1]

I am going to wait a while on this letter either way. I want to show it to my therapist, she thought it sounded like a good idea. All the people that I've shown that know him thought it would be a good idea too. But last night I just decided to do what I feel. Everyone says he's not coming back, so what do I have to lose right? I'm just not going to "do" anything. If I feel like NC, then that's what I'm going to do, if I feel like contact, I'll do that.

[sillygurl]

Everyone says he's not coming back, so what do I have to lose right?

 

Pride.

The letter sounds a little like you are pleading and ultimately looking for a response, whether or not you actually are. You're already suffering through the pain that a break-up brings, why add embarrassment to it?

 

But you ultimately know what is best for you, we don't know all the details of the situation and can't give advice as well as those nearer to you. I think it's a smart idea to show the letter to your therapist, she'll likely be able to give you the wisest advice of all!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Dako, don't send it. Letters that say "you are this" "you are that" are never a good idea. It really just gets someone's back up. When I was in my twenties, I had a falling out with a friend and I wrote her a letter expressing my hurt but also with accusing judgements about her personality and actions. Although the friendship was destined to end anyway as we had drifted apart and our priorities were different, over time I realized it was downright presumptuous of me to phrase the letter the way I did. Fast forward to my late thirties and I was the recipient of such a letter from a friend during a falling out. That was the last straw for me and I ended the friendship. Letters like that can pretty much guarantee the end. If you do nothing and just move on with your life, there is always room for him to reconsider at some point (and maybe not), but sending a letter like that you will slam that door shut.

 

I have bolded below the antagonistic statements in your letter. You may have his actions to go by but you don't really know what is in his heart and in his head. This is your perception but it may not necessarily be HIS reality. If there are warm fuzzy feelings in his heart and head, you will kill it by sending this letter. Better to carry on with your life and let the chips fall where they may. At least you will then be able to live your life knowing that you did everything you could to make it work. You will have no regrets.

[ebsmith1]

Yeah, that's what I thought about it too and that's why I don't want to send it. If he is just taking some time to think things out I don't want to blow it. He does need to hear some of these things I think, but I don't want to be the one to say them, at least not yet. I'm going with just doing what I have to do to get through this one way or the other.

[blender]

just keep writing all these "feelings" down for YOURSELF, no need to send anything to the ex... this is YOUR time to heal, it's not a good idea to give a play by play to the ex... it's none of the exes business what you are "going through" right now, perhaps I'm wrong, but my philosphy is, "if the ex is NOT asking how you are feeling, then they are NOT interested in hearing about it"...

 

so do yourself a favor, and forgive yourself for all the emails, calls, texting you might have done right after the break up, it's okay, forgive yourself, you do not need his forgiveness..

 

and in time when you are not so emotionally vulnerable THEN, MAYBE..you might want to send a few lines, two or three at the most, simply saying, "it's been awhile and I look back and just want to say sorry for the "post break up desperation" and for all that the contact it threw your way, hope you're doing well"....

 

but right now, it's best to do nothing but to forgive yourself and let go..just for today, one day at a time..... sending anything now that says, "sorry I contacted you so much and I'm disappointed in who YOU turned out to be"... well, I'm sorry to say that is just more of the "same type of contact" you are already regretting.. Please take this time to be silent and take care of yourself.. you will get through this, we're all here for you.... best, Blender

[ednorton]

Here is the deal Christine - plain and simple.

 

I sent that letter, because I have had enuff of this and I do not care anymore. And yah, amazing eh? For once, I really get to state that up front because you know what? I have taken everything into account - I can be as polite as day to you, I can twist and turn whatever way you want, and in the end it will never matter - because when I rubber hits the road if you cared about any of this for one single second you would have called me at least once over the last 500 years - you haven't. You have blocked emails, changed numbers, called the coppers, ran and etc. etc. etc. I have shown you time and time and again

 

 

"if the ex is NOT asking how you are feeling, then they are NOT interested in hearing about it"..."

 

DUH! No doubt. I held out just a tiny bit of hope that you were at least someone with a pulse. Wrong. Hey, look at me! Throwing back at you the same junk - but, without hiding! HERE I AM! GOLDIE! Big freaking deal.

 

"just want to say sorry for the "post break up desperation" "

 

Desperation? You have no idea how to even respond to something real.

 

"leading and ultimately looking for a response, whether or not you actually are. You're already suffering through the pain that a break-up brings, why add embarrassment to it?"

 

That's where you fail babe...Showing feelings is never an embarrassment. I don't know what information your feed yourself on what it is to be a man - but you are more than welcome to view and value what it is you see. Everything you state is so whacked.

 

"is your perception but it may not necessarily be HIS reality"

 

DUH! I was stating my reality {mod edit}. The point is to state mine - they state theirs - develop understanding....Forget it.

 

"Letters like that can pretty much guarantee the end. If you do nothing and just move on with your life, there is always room for him to reconsider at some point (and maybe not), but sending a letter like that you will slam that door shut."

 

No what guarantees an end if thinking that your in anyway the person that can open the door again - you shut that door long ago all by yourself. Face the facts - you have made no attempt to communicate at any time with me honestly, right up until now, nothing has changed for you. There is nothing in the world that could have possibly prevented you from one call, nothing preventing you from the continued double standard and nasty things you seem very capable of doing. I sent a polite letter, read it again - I have been kind - guess looking in the mirror hurts to much. Yes, this is an angry posting, and I am not trying to prove a point or hurt you - THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE because you don't freaking get any of this.

 

After months of "being there", "helping", you are worse now then before you ran away - oh yeah, you did show up when you needed something - that's right. I sent you a "polite" goodbye...you respond as you always do.

 

You want to hear a door close? Done. Locked. Tosses the key away. And you know what, I told my duaghter this just this week - I told her she can relax now - I am never again going to be with her. So you can relax, call off yer goon squad, maybe take some weight of your daughters shoulders for a change [which by the way are two 11 years who act more adult than either of us].

 

What I am saying Chris - and have been for months now is this - I DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOU CLOSING THE DOOR BECAUSE THERE IS NO DOOR TO WALK THRU. IS THAT CLEAR ENUFF?

 

No timelines, no wait until, no 'its too secret to tell' - Nothing - I didn't kill this thing - you did a long time ago and that's a fact. Everything else, whatever this is, is nothing but nonsense. I'm done. And too be even more clear [something you simply can't do], this weekend I am finally treating myself to a vacation [4 wonderful days away from this little town] - After putting up wityh all this - I deserve it.

 

Don't spend another second wondering or guessing or planning - just live your life.

 

Goodnite and Goodbye! Thank gawd! Its over.

[ebsmith1]

Um, did I miss something here?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, I am a bit confused too.

[sillygurl]

........?

Huh?

[onelittleladybug]

I would definitely not send this letter unless you really want to kill this relationship once and for all.

 

Also - like every other person who replied to this post I advice you to never say that you are going to stop calling. It will really make you look bad ESPECIALLY when you cant keep your words (and you probably wont). You just stop. Believe me he will notice.

 

Think about it - if he actually responded to this by making a u turn and come back to you, what kind of relationship would you find yourself in then? That would make him a pushover and you would never ever feel wanted with him. You would always wonder if - if you had given him the space would he have come back to you eventually because HE wanted you not just because you dont want to let go?

 

There are some thoughts you need to share and then there are some thoughts you keep to yourself. This is the kind of letter you write and then burn. If you kept it (and didnt send it) I promise you that a few months down the road if you read it again you will not feel the same or at least not with the same intensity. If you send it you will regret it.

 

The general rule of communication between you and your ex should be that you always ALWAYS give the other person an oportunity to improve but you dont push for it.

 

The saying "be careful what you wish for - you just might get it" applies here. You will get what you put out there and is this really what you want? He is going to take every word literally and walk away and never look back no matter if it really hurts him.

 

Finally - if youve been calling obsessively then chances are he wont read the whole thing but he browse through it and get the point. No matter how you look at it sending this will make you less attractive to him.

 

I once got back together with my boyfriend after a 3 month breakup. I called every time during the time apart and I could see he still wanted me but he didnt need to lift a finger. The relationship was bad before the first breakup but it was horrible after we got back together because I never felt wanted and thus became needy and clingy etc. I am using that experience to learn from now that Im apart from someone who is truly and really important to me. I am so grateful today that he wasnt the one for me and that I had learnt from this by the time I met someone who was amazing.

 

I know it sounds weird in this age when everyone is talking about commitment phobia but personally I believe that everyone has the right to take their time and get some space to think about choices that are going to have a huge effect on the rest of their lives. I even think its healthy and good. I dont know what the situation was between you but if you were in fact thinking of making a commitment to each other then good for him to step back and reflect on it IF thats what he is doing. How you deal with this situation is going to have a huge influence on his decision. You should also be thinking about the same things and how/if you can deal with his behavior under stress if this is how he responds to that. Do not pressure him to make this decision and do not push him away if your feelings are true.

 

PS - I just read Blenders reply and totally agree.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Great post onelittleladybug!

[ebsmith1]

Thank you onelittleladybug. We were engaged for about a month and he broke it off. He said a lot of things after we broke up that make me think he needs the space, but he's said things (and done things) to make me think it's probably over. I'm very torn and very confused by the whole thing. Since this letter I've thought a lot about it. I'm just going to do what I feel is best based on the day. I was in NC since last Saturday and I broke it today. I sent an e-mail just to say hello and he wrote back. Nothing about our relationship, but at least he's not ignoring me. I still have a lot of hope for us even if there isn't any point.

[onelittleladybug]

I know it hurts, Ive been there - in fact I am there. Was engaged for 1.5 year. But time apart is not a bad idea sometimes. Chances are this is time apart and you come out of it as a stronger couple and if thats not what happens then its better to find out now than down the road when youre already married. The reason why I reacted so strongly to your letter is that I sent some letters, not this strong though, but some that I wish I had not sent. Its been 3.5 months and we both feel a lot different about things. We are going to meet soon (he moved out of state, I had refused to go with him). We will see. But its just so painful if you close a door that you want to open later but then its too late.