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Am I doing the right thing?! HELP PLEASE!

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Well guys, here is an update on my situation!


Well remember the date he went on that he so desperately wanted the papers signed for, well they are now a couple. And actually since nov 1st and our papers were not filed till nov 7th! wow that was a shocker....and just to add to it He is 21 she is 17! She is still in high school even! So when i found out this info...i had mixed emotions! I was sad at first wondering how could he get over me so fast and how he can already be involved with this girl when it hadn't been that long! Then it was the mad stage..you know when u just cuss and rant and rave about him! But now i have accepted the fact that he has this new girlfriend and that he has moved on. Which i am happy for him. But then i read this stuff he put on the internet....He was saying that he was going through a divorce and that he was trying to get back on his feet and he has this new girlfriend that is 10 times better than his ex and that she treats him good and blah blah blah! I WAS FURIOUS! i could not believe he was saying these things about me! so i dont know what to think.....


dont get me wrong...i do not want him back or would never get back with him but i dont know why i feel the way i do?! I want to cry sometimes but i dont let my self! i just cant believe he can say she is so much better than me when i did everything for him! i just....eeeuuugggghhhh! so frustrating!


so thats an update! any comments greatly appreciated!



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My name is Melissa and I am ending my nearly 5 year marriage, 10 year relationship. My husbnad is also a chirnic smoker and will not quit. I have pleaded with him and he tells me it is who he is and will never stop. We have a nearly 5 year old daughter. She does not know he does this, but he wont stop for my benefit or hers.


My husband is also verbally abusive towards me in front of my daughter and recently physically abusive.


If knew early on in our relationship how he was, I should ahve listened to myself.


Leaving him is not due to lack of love, but because I can't take the abuse coming from all angles, it is just too much, it is not the environment I want my daughter growing up in....


it hurts, and my heart breaks every day, my marriage was supposed to last, but it is not and I am dealing with that. it is something I have to do, for myself and for my daughter...


sorry to say, men don't change. he is 40 years old and has been smoking since he was 15 years old..he will never stop.. he needs it to function.


Good Luck



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  • 2 weeks later...

OK, bust his bubble, call the 17 year olds parents and let them know the scoop.


Or if you think they are already knocking boots, call the police to report statuatory rape. Or if you know where he hides his drugs. Call the police and tell them where they are, especially if the 17 year old is in the car with him.


I say this, because I'm sneaky and vindictive in my own way. Really, don't do any of it, take time off for you. It is amazing what a week away will do. If you can take a week off work and get away, then do it! Do your parents know the whole story? It seems like him going to their place he is trying to pit them against their own flesh and blood... That is extremely controling... He also knows how to push your buttons. You have known each other for a while, you have let him in your inner emotional circle. One poster above says how he must really make his lovable side good because his cruel side is so intense.


No children, a stable job, foxgurl... plan your future. Look into going to college, freeing yourself, I know your parents and friends are in your community, but you wits and emotional experience will get you through the academic turmoil. What everyone else says is correct, distract yourself. This webboard is good, but it is only half a distraction. Find a hobby, with your non-drug supporting income, take a yoga class or join a community sports league or go to a gym.


Do things for you. I agree with the platonic friends thing, although I am unsure if I can live by that policy. Figure out what you need to do to make you a better person. Don't think of yourself as a failure in marriage, you have a lot to offer and in some ways too much to offer... taking cigs to work for him at 3am.... Give me a break. I know what you are going through. My step-dad used to make my mom get up at 3am to fix him a full breakfast before he left for his cow-manuer shoveling job at 4am. You deserve better, way better. If your work covers you for insurance, use it to see a therapist, not for "Marriage Counseling" because most marriages don't cover that. Say depression, or generalized anxiety, or paranoia anything to get in to see a professional counselor and it be covered by insurance. A professional can assist you in making huge progress towards finding out who YOU are. You have defined your life for how you serve him. Now switch the roles and figure out how to serve yourself. Forgive yourself for putting up with his nonsense and move on. Come up with a 1 year or a 5 year plan. Grasp an idea of who you can be.


See if your job can transfer you to another town. Start over....


Hope this helps... it may just be rambling...



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  • 1 month later...

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