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Am I doing the right thing?! HELP PLEASE!


foxgurl12
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Ok so Hi everyone, this is my first post and am hoping for some advice here. Here it goes....

 

Here's a little history, I met my husband in 2003 when I was a senior in High School. We met on a blind date set up by mutal friends, from the first date I had an attraction to him, he asked me for my number and things went from there, we dated for 1 yr then he proposed and we were engaged for another yr and now we have been married for 1 yr and 1/2. Well things were great I knew he was the one for me, I loved being around him and hanging out and just loving life, well there's just one problem..he is addicted to marijuana. I guess i should have noticed it before but i never thought it was this bad.

 

So in the past year this is what happens, he cant get a good job because he wont quit smoking so thereforeeee can not pass a drug test, so he settles for the less paying job that does not require a test. So this puts us in a predicament with bills and such. I have a really good job and get payed well for a 21 yr old in this small town i live in. SO you can say i take care of the bills.

 

I thought everything was ok but i wasnt being truthful to myself. When he didn't have weed he would throw a fit and get really pissed off and throw stuff and just go nuts. I have sat down and talked with him about it and told him that it needs to stop he needs to quit it cant go on like this. so he has told me many many times that he will quit and never does...so finally i said this is it. I talked to him about a seperation, I told him exactly how i was feeling and that i didnt want to carry the load anymore and that it needed to be equal not me paying all the bills why he gets to smoke and work every now and then. I thought (maybe i was foolish) that if he loved me enough it would be a wake up call to say hey, im going to loose my marriage if i dont stop and be a man, well that didnt work. At first he was like ok ok i will stop i will show you I dont want to get a divorce or seperation but that lasted a whole 2 days. I mean he even sat in front of me crying his eyes out so i thought he was being truthfull. well the next day after we had talked about if he quit and got a good job then we would try and work things out, he did a whole 360. He said that i was trying to change who he was and that he didnt want to be with someone that didnt accept him for him. So he said i wasnt worth quiting the weed and getting a job. So i was devestated..could not stop crying, i was tore up! I mean i never felt like this before! i didnt know what to do. Well i went on my friends talked to me and told me that its going to be hard but i needed to move on to someone who deserves all the things i did for him, i mean i did everything i fed him, cleaned, payed all the bills, got up at 2 or 3 in the morning to take him ciggaretts to work cause he couldnt leave i mean anything he asked i would do for him. but i guess it wasnt enough.

 

so yesterday i talked to him and he told me that as soon as the Divorce papers are signed then he was going to find someone else and the only reason he isn't looking or going to hook up with someone now is cause we are still legally married. WOW!! damn...my heart gets stomped on again and again and i still love this man! what is wrong with me. I dont know if this was just his pride talking cause he might have been with one of his friends and doesnt want anyone to know how he is really feeling or he really is OVER me already?! 1/2 of me is telling me to forget this crap and move on to someone who will appreciate me and the other 1/2 is still hoping that he will come to his senses and quit for his WIFE the one he made vows to..but i just think thats a long shot and will never happen.

 

So i have decided not to call him at all, just go on like im doin ok so it doesnt show him what he has done to me. Be strong and move on. ITS SOOOOO HARD i cant believe how hard it is. I want to call him but it takes everything i have not to. I just needed to get this out there and maybe get some advice. Will this hurt go away someday?! should i move on? or still hold on for hope? am i doing the right thing??!! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP!!!!

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I can understand the pain that you are feeling. I am having troubles with my marriage, and my wife flat out told me that she is not in love with me anymore. That really hurt; just like your husband hurt you.

 

But remember, you are your own person too. You have a life, and a damn good one. DON'T forget that!

 

Each day you have to ask yourself this question: Am I worth this?

And I can probably tell you, you are worth more than that.

No one should be shackled to a marriage in which the other person refuses to participate in. He really needs to grow up and quit the pot smoking, and realize that not only will he lose his wife who loves him, but he'll lose any chance of changing his life for himself.

 

My opinion, let go of this marriage. He is not trying to hold it together, so don't look back. And don't worry about his feelings; worry about your own.

 

Just keep going, you can do it. This group of people in this forum are a good bunch of people. Think of them as a support group.

 

Good luck.

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sorry to hear about what's going on... but your gut instinct is right... you gotta get out of that relationship.

 

the drugs are a big factor, just imagine that you're not dealing with just him, you're dealing with the weed. he is also probably really scared about loosing you, so he's just going to strike out and make you feel bad. he feels bad, so he makes you feel bad... its a reaction to being faced with the reality that you're not going to let him get away with what he's been doing for a long time.

 

try to be strong, know that you're the one doing the right thing for you after all this time of giving him chances. things that he's saying are just to hurt you, and because he's scared of facing reality.

 

and i agree about getting in some support group... they will help explain how bad the drugs are controlling him and that you can't rely on his changing until he gets clean. right now he doesn't appriciate you because his lifestyle is threatened...

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Unless your husband shows more respect for you, more desire to be there with you, he is the one who is not worth it. His getting high is more important to him than you are? Walk out, now.

 

And his actions show that he is trying to control you. he needs to grow up and be responsible for a few things, including himself.

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Welcome to Enotalone.

 

Your husband sounds like a total.. "JERK".. and I'm sorry. I can think of a more colorful term but can't write it in this format. I feel for ya.

 

He is right about one thing... You can not change him. Only he can change himself. And in this case.. I'd say you have every right to give him the "ULTIMATUM"... drugs are a deal breaker.

 

Thank your lucky stars you don't have chlidren with him yet. How much help and support from him do you think you'd get? When you needed to buy diapers and formula.. he'd be out scoring a quarter bag of weed.

 

And he's unemployable... to boot. And will not make any sacrifices to get a job! Thats a winner for you. I "DO" know people who smoke weed on thier own time, but they get past the drug tests... and are very careful. Family has got to eat first. And its not fair that you hold down the lions share of your finances.

 

When he says he's not messing around until its finalized... you're right he's only trying to hurt you and guilt you. Don't buy into his line of bull. If he wanted to quit.. he'd quit.

 

Yes, You can love someone very very much...but if they are toxic to you as well as themselves... then its a non-productive / non-recipricated love.... you need to think of self-preservation and walk away before you make any greater investment into this relationship.. ie.. Children.

WALK.. and keep walking. I know its painful and it hurts... but it "WILL" get better.

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Fox,

 

I know how bad this hurts right now. I understand the pain seems as though it will never end.

 

Remind yourself each day of what you deserve. You deserve much more than this. Remind yourself that he is not going to change. He's happy with himself as he is. If he were interested in rehab or counseling, I'd say stay and try to work through it. But he's basically said it "You are trying to change me and that's not going to happen."

 

My son's father was the same. Could never get a good job bec of drgs and even when he found an okay job would quit. I tried to deal with it. But dealing with that day in day out made me angry. I couldn't just "deal" with it. I finally left 5.5 years ago. He's still doing the same thing - except now supporting his gf and her 3 kids. I have a friend who has been married for 8 years. Her husband is constantly emptying their banking account to buy more drugs. She loves him. But the constant insecurity and disrespect is untolerable.

 

Think about the future. The future of when you will not be supporting this kid. He's got alot of growing up to do. Respect and love yourself. And dream about the day that you can look back at this. It will happen.

 

Hugs!

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i really thank you guys for the support. I have been going on with my day as normal. Trying not to call him and so far so good. I haven't! so maybe this is a big step for me! I am really glad also that we do not have any kids involved that would be more hard than it is right now. So thanks again...hope i can get some more comments on the issue! its really helping!

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I'm glad you made it through the day and no phone calls.. Good good good. You want to watch for him "HOOVERING" you back... thats when he comes back with the pretty words and promises. Stick to your guns and don't let him sway you. Until the DATA changes.. you have the analysis.

 

Try to get out and visit family and friends. Keep yourself busy. Take care of YOU... mentally, physically and emotionally.

 

And keep coming back here to vent and post as much as you'd like. It helps.

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I'm glad you made it through the day and no phone calls.. Good good good. You want to watch for him "HOOVERING" you back... thats when he comes back with the pretty words and promises. Stick to your guns and don't let him sway you. Until the DATA changes.. you have the analysis.

 

Try to get out and visit family and friends. Keep yourself busy. Take care of YOU... mentally, physically and emotionally.

 

And keep coming back here to vent and post as much as you'd like. It helps.

 

Excellent advice all of it. It can be very tempting when someone comes back with lots of pretty words and promises, especially if your heart still feels something for them. However, remember that they are just words and if he wants to come back, he needs to back them up with ACTIONS.

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Foxgurl -

 

I talked with my friend that I mentioned above last night - made me think of you.

 

For 8 years, he's been sneaking around, getting messed up. For the past year, he's been taking cash advances on a credit card to buy his drugs.

 

They are fairly well off. A couple years ago, he agreed that she could go to school and he'll pay the bills which he's capable of doing. At this point, she's had to take out school loans to assist because he's squandering away all the money. She can't even buy the types of groceries she used to for their family (her, husband, and their daughter,) because of him blowing the money.

 

If it makes you angry now, think about what it will be like if he spends all the money or refuses to get a better job and you don't have enough money to buy food for your child.

 

You are sooooo doing the right thing. Unless he changes, you are better off!

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I'mThatGirl, I agree with you totally. I have made my decision and I am not going to go back to that environment. I have a good job that I do not want to risk and he is not willing to change. He would rather keep doing the things he is doing then to change for me. I know I get the hint......so I am moving on slowly but surely! Thanks to everyone for the advice! I really appreciate it!

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You are Absolutely doing the right thing... as if he is willing to get divorced over his addiction then he obviously hasn't hit his own rock bottom yet. He has to make his own conscious decision that his habit is not worth the price he is paying for it and take action for himself, not for you or anyone else as the fix won't last and whoever pressured him will end up on the losing end. The other side of the equasion is that an addict will often find someone to support them (an enabler) and enable them to continue their addiction and Love and Guilt are wonderful tools for the addict. So walk away, it will hurt but the truth is you are doing far better for him by letting him reap the consequences for his actions than you could do with all the love in the world, and hopefully he will at some point see that He can no longer pay the price for the addiction and get some help. And you can heal and get on with your life, and if you are having a hard time dealing with your feelings please seek some professional help, there is no shame in that and you may find that it will give you an entirely fresh perspective on the whole situation.

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hey guys...thanks for all the replys i appreciate it...here is an update of my situation.

 

Well since my last post i think i have gone backwards! Me and my husband started talking and we decided to wait a little to sign papers but to be separated. He said he was really trying to quit smoking and that he thought that we could work things out...well i was wrong. This Sunday was the worst day of my life! This is what happened,

 

We were hangin out pretty much all day..went to the store got groceries and came back to my house. Had a couple ppl over and had a few drinks....well my husband doesnt ever really drink but that day he did and got a little drunk. Well we started talking about things and he brought up how this all started.

 

I had gone out with two mutual friends of ours which were guys on a monday to a restaurant to watch monday night football. Well he was at work, we called him and told him as soon as he got off to come over and hang out with us. Well when he got off he called and said he wasn't going to come and that he was going to a friends house to hang out. So i was like well ok then i will be home in a little while. When he hung up the phone he didnt tell me he loved me so i called him back and was like what's wrong...well thats when he flipped his lid...he started yelling at me hardcore telling me that "i knew what was wrong and what i did was wrong and that we would talk about it later" well he was yelling at me so bad and he was so mad i decided not to go home and went and stayed with my parents. So the next day i talked to him he told me the whole reason he was mad is because i went to a "bar" with two guys and that made him look bad! so that was the beginning to what led us here....

 

So sunday when we were hanging out he started telling me that i practically cheated on him and that i betrayed him and that i was worthless just going on and on and on. He got so mad that he went into the living room and asked everyone there if they would be mad or feel betrayed if their wife or gf went out with guys to the bar....failing to leave out the rest of the story. well everyone there was like hey calm down were not getting involved. Well he got even more pissed and his friends just took him home. Well i was devestated cause he was telling me all these hurtfull things and i never once cheated on him or even thought about it! those guys are like my brothers, i have known them as long as i have known my husband. I mean what is the difference in them coming over to my house when my husband is at work, then us going out to eat and watch football??!! i dont think its wrong but he does and we could not compromise!

 

well it doesnt end there, last night he came over to get his car because he had to leave it there the night before because he couldn't drive. Well i wanted to talk to him when he was sober so we talked and i asked him what he wanted to do with us? Well he just brought up that issue again about going out with the guys and that i betrayed him and practically cheated on him and that i was worthless. He said that he hopes God has mercy on the next guys soul that i get with if i ever get any one else let alone get married again! then continued to walk out the door and say "im done with you, you are sick in the head and you need help!" all this he was saying because of that one night!

 

I dont feel that i did anything wrong so i just let him go and be pissed...

 

Well, does anyone have an opinion on this? do you think it was wrong of me to go out with mutual friends? I think it would have been wrong if i was trying to hide it or not invite my husband! but thats just how i feel..evidently he feels otherwise. So i am back at NC.

 

any comments??!! thanks in advance...sorry for being so long..its kinda all over the place so im sorry. just needed to vent...](*,)

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well just got a call from my husband and he asked me if i was going to be home tonight!? well he got the divorce papers and he wants me to sign them! WOW!!! this is it! im kinda having mixed emotions right now...I am releived but also am sad that i failed at a marraige! i dont know just needed to vent...how should i act when i see him? act like i dont care sign and leave and not talk to him or what?! anyways, any advice would be great! THANKS EVERYONE!

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well just got a call from my husband and he asked me if i was going to be home tonight!? well he got the divorce papers and he wants me to sign them! WOW!!! this is it! im kinda having mixed emotions right now...I am releived but also am sad that i failed at a marraige! i dont know just needed to vent...how should i act when i see him? act like i dont care sign and leave and not talk to him or what?! anyways, any advice would be great! THANKS EVERYONE!

 

Well you should sign. And you should try to be as unemotional as possible. You will have some, I am sure you will be sad, but his is not the shoulder you should be crying on. Find a friend for that, and I am sure you have some friends you need to catch up with since you got cut off from them.

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checking the hour on my clock... you are probably with him right now.

 

My 2 cents??? sign the papers and be stone-wall cold unemotional. At least thats how I hope you handled it.

 

However... I'm willing to bet, he pulls a HOOVER maneuver on you. He'll guilt you... beg you... condemn you.. and hoover hoover hoover. He'll gas light until he gets his point accross and you start believing he is in the "RIGHT"

 

You did NOTHING wrong. What kind of "crap" is that to pull on someone... "You'll never get married again." "No one will want you." "Good luck to the next pitiful soul you run accross".... of all the narcassitic prigs. If you are soooooo god-awful bad.. then why does "HE" want to be with you???? does he think he's gonna "FIX" you... make you "right again"... teach you right from wrong.

 

Puuulllllleeeeeeaaaaaazzzzzzzzeeeeee!!! the man is a controlling narcisist passive-aggressive pain in the tush.

 

Stand your ground. He doesn't expect you to. He's counting on you being weaker than he is...and is counting on getting his way.

 

THIS is not a mutually equal relationship. Its a POWER TRIP.

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PS.... you can do so much better. He can try to quit smoking weed... and he can make promises... but that doesn't mean it will happen.

 

You are a bright bright young lady. Walk away from this while you still can before you have kids with him.

 

And you will be ok... you will be fine. If you can hang with your friends and your family.. they will pull you through.

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So... not only does he smoke weed, but he is abusive and controlling as well? You are your own person. Marriage says NOTHING about being unable to have friendships. You didn't hide, you didn't lie and you didn't do anything wrong. And he responds by this barrage of verbal abuse. The divorce might even be a ploy to make you feel guilty and make you feel like you did something wrong. You did not do anything wrong. You deserve much better than to be treated like this.

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hey guys, thanks for the responses! i appreciate it! well an update on the situation...need to vent a little!

 

ok well that night i went to sign the papers were not even finished! he had not even started them! i was kinda irritated to say the least so i took them and filled them out and took them back to him on sunday. Well last week when i had the papers he called me and asked if they were ready to be filed...i had told him no that there were some things that i still needed to do. So he continued to say that he had plans on friday and needed them filed by then..So me being the curious one...i never should have asked but did anyway..i asked oh what kind of plans that would require you to have the papers done by friday?! he said he had a date!! I was shocked! wow its only been three weeks from the time that we have separated and already on a DATE??!! dang....i guess im worth nothing! so i showed no emotion to him and said ok, well i will try to get them done by friday but if not then go on ur date...were not together right. and then ended the conversation!

 

so im totally devestated once again and i was doing really good! not thinking of him, had NC and was just having a good time hanging out with friends...till this. So Sunday when i went to take the papers to him we sat down and had a talk. I told him everything that i was feeling, he was in balling to me the whole time..and of course i can not keep it together so i am crying too! well he was saying that he would take everything back in a heartbeat to get me back and that he misses me everyday and thinks about me and on and on and on... i couldn't help but tell him well if you love me this much then why are you already dating? and why cant you try to quit smoking so we can work things out! well he said that he was not going to quit smoking and that he is dating because he wants to forget and not hurt anymore! i told him that he was just covering up his feelings and they wouldnt go away! well after that he wanted to hold me for a little bit and i let him. i really wanted some closure..knowing things are NOT going to ever work between us. so he kissed me and told me he will always love me and i left.

 

dang it was the hardest thing ever to deal with! i couldn't help but break down when i got home! what's the next step?! what should i do now? should i continue NC and try to heal?! sorry for the long drawn out episode but just had to get it out!

 

thanks everyone for reading this!

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YES... you should continue NC. But a TRUE NC where you arn't calling him, talking to him or seeing him. You are absolutley right... it takes a long time to heal from a break up. Some people DO CHOOSE to find a "BAND AID" right after a break-up as he's chosen to do. If thats the way he chooses to deal with it... instead of looking at his own problems and working on them... then let him go that route and don't THINK about it.

 

Its probably for the BEST to take time for Yourself and be by yourself. YEAH.. go out and hang out with friends. But on a PLATONIC level. You'll heal faster. You'll have to time to put baggage into perspective.

 

When you get involved too soon with someone. The tendency is to carry unfinished baggage over into your next relationship. You do ... or he does... or you both do. And this is NOT the way to heal... it is very unhealthy and could very well be the start of yet another unhealthy relatoinship.

 

Hang out with family and friends. Talk to people you feel you can vent to if you need an outlet. AND... start working on picking YOU up and YOUR self-esteem. Don't worry about what he's doing. Don't think about him. The more time away from him.... the more clearly you will SEE just who he is... and you'll one day hit yourself in the head and say... "I was with him???? what the heck was I thinking???" Take care poster. Love, light and bright blessings your way.

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He knows he is worthless due to his lack of desire to find a good job/smoking pot.

 

He'd rather the blame be put on you than himself. He wants you to feel guilty. He wants to hurt you rather than being hurt himself.

 

He likes to cover feelings doesn't he? With drugs, other dates, etc.

 

Sweetie, I know this is terribly hard but you will be much better when you get away from him.

 

Hugs~

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I'mthatgirl.....

 

You forgot one. Add to that list.. he is most probably a DRAMA KING.

Thrives on the chaos and the drama. And then weeps boo-hoo-hoo when

all is crap in his life and he can't get himself out of the hole. He's the one who's created his own reality.... leave him to his own concoction and to sit in his own PEW.

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He said that i was trying to change who he was and that he didnt want to be with someone that didnt accept him for him.

 

OMG he and my husband could be the same guy. My husband said the same exact thing to me. He smokes pot in addition to crack, and he said that same sentence to me about the pot. I told him, "I do accept you as a person but I don't have to accept your behavior. Your behavior does not define who you are - your behavior is something you DO, not YOU." He knows I am right, but maintains that he will continue to do it.

 

They smoke pot to numb their pain. My husband has a LOT of pain from his past. Yours probably does too, but this is NOT a reason to feel sorry for them! I have struggled with this for four years. I am trying to get a divorce now before he runs my bank account dry.

 

And I know you probably won't believe it (I didn't at first) but he's probably doing harder drugs and hiding it from you. Mine hid crack from me for awhile before I found out. Especially if he knows you don't condone it.

 

I'll give you the advice I wish I'd taken sooner. Get out. Get out now before he ruins your self esteem even more. I know EXACTLY what you mean about making every sacrifice in the world for him and knowing that it's never enough. People like this are users and you can NEVER love them enough or do enough for them. They will suck you dry in every way. I know too well how hard it is to turn away from their charm and the honeymoon stages after making up. Remember this: they HAVE to be super-sweet and super-nice and super-romantic to win you back BECAUSE they are so MEAN to you and it's the only way they can suck you back in. And they'll do it every time as long as you let them. Here I am telling you this and I'm trying to get out of my screwed up co-dependent marriage. You have become co-dependent too. Stop the craziness before it gets worse, honey. I wish you so much luck in this process. Believe me, I know how hard it is not to call. I have cried rivers of tears when he's gone. I can't imagine how hard it will be when he's actually moved out again and the divorce goes through.

 

Good luck to us both. Hang in there.

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