Need help in Colorado - I can't take it any more!

[JeffDenver]

I have been married for 17 years and I need out before I go crazy! I married when I was 22 to a woman 13 years older. We have 3 children 15, 15 and 16. I married a few months after my dad died and after we were married for about a year mom committed suicide. I was raised in a very abusive situation where both parents were alcoholics. I'm not sure that I ever loved my wife; I think I was looking for something stable after 22 years of hell. My dad did some unforgivable things to a couple girls that I ended turning him in for. I never told my wife about this since he was dead and couldn't cause any more harm. After a few months I ended up telling her, I assumed that when you marry someone you should be able to confide in them about anything. Well she told me that she would have never married me if she new. She said that we have a baby on the way; like I was the one that did these things. She then suggested that I have his genes. Since then most arguments she brings up my dad was a pedophile; my mom was a whor* and my whole family is nothing but drunks. Everyday she makes little comments like "were not drunks like your parents". She has told me that if I leave that I can expect to find my moms ashes in the front yard and everything of mine in the house destroyed. She has also said that if I were to leave she would tell everyone in her family about my dad and say I was doing the same. She has pulled a knife on me a few times and has even put my kids on the front steps in the middle of the night when they were little so that I would come home. On a daily basis she will always compare me to other men in her family that I hate. Sex life is non existent for 4 years now. I can never bring myself to say I love her. I'm not attracted to her anymore. She has let her hair go 100% gray, never wears makeup and weighs 220+. The biggest thing that she looks a lot older than I do (I look a lot younger than my age). People have confused me for her son when we go places. I don't love her at all, I have never been able to confide in her about anything in fear she will use it in future arguments or belittle anything I say. She doesn't clean at all or cook. Either I cook or we go out to eat. She is very unsociable with people, anything that requires interaction with people I have to do. She will not go to school functions for the kids, take them to the doctors or even go grocery shopping.

 

 

My kids ask me why I stay with her and I really don't know?? She is almost 53 now and never has worked; if I were to leave what would she do??

 

We really don't have much; we filed for BK last year. We don't own a house and nothing in any type of savings. I make good money but really don't have much. We lease a house that I plan on buying next year. My kids say that they would stay with me I was to leave. If I were to ask her to divorce she would destroy everything in the house and make life hell for me. If I could get her to leave the house and never contact us again getting a divorce would be easy but she can become very crazy when pushed.

 

Do I stay with her and put up with it? If I ask for a divorce is there any way to protect the things in the house and to keep her away at a safe distance? Will I have to pay alimony forever?

 

I think I have turned out quite well for the hell I went through as a child. I don't drink at all; I now have a Masters degree and have a very good job. I have been going to counseling for the past year which has helped me see things a lot clearer but I am afraid to do anything. I'm just at a point where I can't take much more and not sure what to do??

[hosswhispra]

I read your post and I feel horrible for you, Jeff.

 

Life is too short to be miserable. She's been physically abusive (knife incident) and mentally/emotionally abusive (saying that you have 'bad' genes).

 

You've been through counseling and it sounds like you've thought things through. The answer is deep down, Jeff. It's there. Listen to it.

 

Wishing you happiness,

hosswhispra

[Dako]

Jeff,

 

I agree wth HW.

 

I suspect you know this is over, you just haven't dealt with it.

As rough as it is to end a marriage, you'd be happier on your own. Whatever skills that allowed you to endure this marriage will make you golden in your next relationship.

[southerngirl]

Wow this makes me so sad.

 

You will be so much happier when you just end this relationship.

 

You have endured years of emotional and even physical abuse.

 

I will keep you in my thoughts.

[doyathink]

She needs to get help! If you leave her I hope you take the kids, no one should ever lock a child outside to get their partner back!

 

I dont know about the alimony, you need to contact a lawyer on that. Usually the first consultation is free and he can advise you where you stand.

 

You can file a restraining order on her to keep her away so you and the kids dont feel threatened. I would seriously consider contacting law enforcement to have her removed if she ever comes at you again, this way they will take her to jail and you can get the restraining order at that time so she is out of your house and not able to destroy it!

[southerngirl]

Oh I must agree with doyathink, whatever you do, do NOT leave the kids in her custody. Fight for custody of the children. They deserve to be free from the abuse as well.

[BellaDonna]

I agree with the others that it sounds like it's time to end the marriage.

 

What she is saying to you about your family is terrible. I'm sure it hurt you when she suggested that you would harm a child.

 

She has told me that if I leave that I can expect to find my moms ashes in the front yard and everything of mine in the house destroyed. She has also said that if I were to leave she would tell everyone in her family about my dad and say I was doing the same. She has pulled a knife on me a few times and has even put my kids on the front steps in the middle of the night when they were little so that I would come home

 

If she does anything like that again, you must call the police. Also, see if you can somehow get her comments on tape. Beat her to the chase and tell someone in her family about how she's been threatening you and what she plans to do.

 

Try to start saving money secretly. You'll need to get a good lawyer. If she makes any false accusations against you, it will be slander, which is a crime. See if you can get a storage unit or safety-deposit box to start putting some of your prized belongings there to keep them safe, until you can get out of there. Do you have any friends that might help you out?

 

 

BellaDonna

[motog]

Bad genes? what the hell is that , you have confided in someone and that commands respect my friend. she is the one with the problems i think. say bye bye rebuild your life how you deserve it to be .

stay safe

[JeffDenver]

Thanks for the advice. As far as friends I really don't have any, she never allowed it. When I did have friends it would end up in a big argument... she would always tell me her father never needed friends... God how I hate being compared to other people in her family! The biggest issue I am dealing with is that I like her family and I think they would think badly about her since this would be her second divorce. She is also 53 and never held a job for more than a month or so... I also hate hurting people... with my childhood I always had to put others well being ahead of my own. I think the hardest part would be to actually tell her... I know that she will start crying... I hate to see people cry... In arguments I tell her that I want a divorce and that I don't love her... she will usually just chalk it up to being mad. The first step will be very hard on me. It may sound a little weird but I also think I see her as an authority figure like maybe a mother and she will get mad at me... sounds stupid but it's how I feel sometimes.

[Dako]

Jeff,

 

Men can be abused by women to the point of adaptation, and actually feel safer by catering to the woman, and form a habit of going along to get along.

 

I have a relative living in a somewhat similar marriage. He's suffered so long, he's dependant on her abuse to feel secure. I often wish he had the guts to free himself and find a decent relationship. He won't hear of it.

 

Not wanting to hurt others is a virtue that others can exploit.

 

I hope you can find happiness.

[Altaleks]

I can only speak for myself, but if I were you I would take positive action... Do what you have to do to be able to end the relationship without her having a legal leg to stand on. covertly record conversations, videos, if she plays on the internet get some big brother software and track log etc. and be the first to take legal action.

 

I know all of this sounds harsh, but after going through my last divorce and having my ex plan on taking the kids and me to the cleaner so she could continue to not work and live off of me when the truth was her wanting the kids had nothing to do with their wellbeing, only hers, and guilt trips and ugliness were all tools to give her the upper hand. Fortunately in my case it did not work. I got wise and took whatever actions were necessary to keep my kids and have her removed from the home. My kids are much better off and so am I, it's been two years now and and the kids are thriving and I am much happier than I have been in many years. So my advice to you it to get out of the relationship... but don't wait until you absolutely can't handle it anymore and just end it.. Think through what is best for you and your kids and then take positive steps to make it happen. Yes there will be ugliness, and trauma... but do your best to make going through it for your kids and your benefit... just my two cents worth here.

[Juliana]

Your wife is mentally ill. That's not your problem, but your kids are. Being raised in such a horrendous environment will hurt them for years, maybe forever. People shouldn't have to carry such burdens with them into their adulthood. I hope you can take steps to show your children that abusive behaviour is not tolerable, no matter what your relationship to the person, and that allowing someone to destroy your life isn't a sign of love, it's a sign of despair.

 

What women escaping abusive men do is they open a safety deposit box or rent a storage facility somewhere the spouse doesn't know about. They gradually transfer photos, heirlooms and jewellry to the secure location. However, you have repeatedly said you have nothing. You could do what I did: Walk out with the clothes on your back. It's only stuff.

 

See a lawyer, and tell him everything, all her threats about destroying property, etc. Make sure you take her name off joint checking accounts, credit cards, etc. When you move, do it once, quickly, and don't look back. Once you're out, have as little contact with her as you possibly can. Find out if the kids even want visitation with her; they may not. Don't worry about how she'll support herself; she's an adult. I'm sure you're not going to do anything to hurt her unnecessarily, and you can be reasonable in support, but again, your real responsibility is to your children. You are their father, not hers.