annie24 Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 female1981 - did you realize that you can be written up for harassement? If he has told you to stop contacting him, and if you are (for other than work reasons), he can tell his superiors that you are coming on to him (sexual harassment) and did not stop when he asked. you can lose your job over this! is this what you want? he can seriously tell his superiors that you are bothering him and interfering with his work. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 hi annie i will not lose my job over this. we work for a relatively small company and both have a good relationship with the CEO/founder of the company. i can swear on my life i would not be sacked over sending one too many emails. anyway, its not going to get to that point cos i can feel i will not let it. i have regained some control... Link to comment
Sad_now Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Hi again! I'm glad you're feeling much better now. However, this quote by Dilly sums up what struck me: it seems like you're not committed to ending anything with him I just get the sense that if he responded to your emails and then came over and said hi and smiles and strikes up a nice conversation, you may be willing to give it another go. I HAVE DONE THIS A GRAND TOTAL OF 9 TIMES WITH THE SAME JERK BEFORE FINALLY THROWING IN THE TOWEL - SO I'M REALLY NOT BEING JUDGEMENTAL OR PREACHY. Are you sure you know that you want to end things? Because that's the only long-term solution. Short-term fixes, while may ease the pain temporarily, will only worsen the final impact...and you know what that is, right? Protect yourself NOW. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 hi sad_now Perhaps in some ways you are right. I am still in love with him after all. But for now I am happy with how i feel today. i can't say how i will behave if he does talk to me again. but guys... he is not going to. i have already seen him once today re: moving of some equipment on to the new site... some others were there also. he was very uncomfortable and couldn't even look at me. it was a short communication... anyway, i am quite sure that today really will be the last day he is here, and i dont expect anything from him. we had some really special conversations, some sweet moments that i can look back on and enjoy privately as no one can change those or take them away from me. okay, let me imagine what i would do on the 0.000001% chance he does try and talk to me.... yes i will talk back. i may even be willing to discuss what happened. but it will be a closing conversation. the situation has closed. the last month has been one-sided. he has not really contributed much. thereforeeee i have faced up to the fact that it is not reality. i am protecting myself. Link to comment
Sad_now Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 OK. I'm glad you have come to that realisation. And now the final nail in the coffin, so to speak, if he does try and talk to you and the next month is NOT one-sided, even though you are in love with him..he has a wife. I know it's easy to just compartmentalise his life in your mind and lock away and forget about the 'wife' drawer. She has a life with him while you have 'conversations' and 'special moments'. Cherish these, if you wish, by all means, just don't let these pleasant memories fog the gloomier reality. Anyway, it sounds like you are calmer today and less likely to fire off emails to him. Why are you in love with him? When someone asked that about MY ex, even though I was obsessing over him and depressed and sad and what-not,I had NO answer! There was nothing I actually cherished about him! He'd always been a prat to me! So sometimes, we need to step back and see what exactly is really going on... Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 hi again sad_now, i know what the reality is. even though the relationship was not physical, i still used to get really jealous thinking that they were sharing a bed at night. i was always realistic about what was happening and that there were more than just the 2 of us involved. perhaps thats why it never did get physical. i definitely am calmer. the way i feel right now... i do not feel that awful urge to email him... such a good, free feeling... why am in love with him? he has qualities that i not seen in any other man that ive met. i am quite a fussy lady when it comes to men.... he really is different, his interests, habits, hobbies... all a bit quirky i guess, but i like all these things about him, even his mannerisms... also the fact that the 2 years i have been here, he has never expressed interest in any female in this way... made me feel incredibly special. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 except that you know the truth about him - that he is married! when you were a little girl and dreamt of your prince charming, what qualities were you looking for? handsome? smart? married? tells you to stop contacting him? I think you're looking at him through rose colored glasses, yeah, i'm sure he has some special qualities, but he has a few that totally should disqualify him for you. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 no of course these weren't the things i wanted... but come on... you just don't know how life will turn out. i never wanted this for myself. of course i didn't, but i am madly, badly attracted to him! maybe my glasses are a little rose coloured.... but i can't help it. he is not perfect. i dont think anybody is.... but i still really really like him. he has been married a couple of years, has no kids and said that he wishes he had met me earlier. i believe him. but he is strong minded, he knows he has a duty and loyalty to his wife which is why he asked me not to contact him... there is nothing rose coloured about it.. how can i not respect him for that? sure, a lot of you will be saying now that he should have never confessed his feelings if he was so 'good'.... he is human!!!!.... and he is not perfect, like i already said!!!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 why are you still thinking about him and having feelings for him if he is married and has told you to stop contacting him? Link to comment
Sad_now Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 I'm glad you have said I am 'attracted to him' rather than 'madly in love with him'. I know you have feelings for him regardless of whether you wanted or not. But it would be best that you try and avoid him so that the 'attraction' dies down because honestly I don't think this will go anywhere. This is the best advice I can give you having been in this situation.... Just a quote I found..."many people in your life (and here) will be a cheerleader or a coach, to try and steer you in the right direction and cheer you on, but in the end it is your game...If you’re not playing the game, you may just be in the stands watching others as they try to achieve their goals. If you find yourself always looking to others who have what you want, you may be living in the stands..." Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 had a very very stressful day today... that equipment that had to be moved.... oh god..... physical and mental pressure, big time! i was semi-in charge whilst it has been located at this site and he is in charge of making sure it is transported correctly. so anyway, needed some manpower to shift it.... of course he didn't volunteer himself which really annoyed everybody else as he kept sending round random people to come and help me with it....they were getting annoyed that he wouldn't do it himself and of course only me and him know why he is avoiding me! it pissed me off a bit actually cos he sent round the least useless to help me... but i don't know if i have enough reason to be annoyed with him or if i am just annoyed because it involves him directly.... hmmmm... i am sure my anger is partly due to the situation between me and him... anyway, im very tired now of the whole thing, and a thought occurred to me just now whilst washing my hands.... i like being single. not having all this drama to cope with on a day to day basis and just being able to not worry about another person, what you say, do, how you act etc etc. i dont need all of that.... the last month i have done nothing but stress out about every bit of eye contact, every conversation, every thing i said to other people in front of him... and why? for nothing. all that energy wasted. Link to comment
Caterina Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Guys who say stuff like that are trying to box you up. You are who you want to be. Anyways, its a blessing...do you really want some guy who goes around emotionally cheating with other women when he is married? Yeah sounds like a genuine true blue, true love catch you got yourself there. You are obsessing...focus on another obsession...what other things do you like to do? YOu are thinking you did something wrong...it was the guy who was in the wrong for approaching you in the first place. Link to comment
Caterina Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 except that you know the truth about him - that he is married! when you were a little girl and dreamt of your prince charming, what qualities were you looking for? handsome? smart? married? tells you to stop contacting him? I think you're looking at him through rose colored glasses, yeah, i'm sure he has some special qualities, but he has a few that totally should disqualify him for you. Bingo, I agree. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 it was the guy who was in the wrong for approaching you in the first place. you are so right i haven't done anything wrong. i am the young, single carefree one in all of this. he is the married one with bigger responsibilities. you know, this whole time i have felt i should be ashamed. to some extent... i am - all that emailing was unhealthy and if i could go back in time, i would have stopped the day he asked me to. i would have respected myself a lot more and felt better i think if i hadn't have dragged it on so much. but he shouldn't have said what he said... where did he think it was leading exactly and how did he think things would turn out? he was selfish and irresponsible for confessing his feelings. but its done now, and i dont want to be angry, because at the end of anger, i always find hurt and pain. i want to get over this now. forget him , move on. Link to comment
Caterina Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 You will move on...you're hurt now but that won't last. Sometimes we have to allow the pain in order to heal... Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 yes it does hurt, it really does. ive only got myself to blame though, for having such little self control. i will try so hard for the rest of my life, to remember the lesson i have learnt. i never want to go through this again Link to comment
Sad_now Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Don't blame yourself for anything. Playing the blame game is not going to help anyone - least of all you. Remember, even if your past is tainted, your future is spotless. Go make the best of it. And I KNOW you will Just make a list of what you want to achieve in the next year...and then every day make a short list of what you will do to achieve these goals. And go do them. You will have awful days when this anger subsides, but just remember when you hurt that this is the worst you'll feel - and you're still alive and healthy - and it's only gonna get better. He's not worth your mental energy, good or bad, as he is unattainable. thereforeeee irrelevant. He can go to his new workplace and stay there. Good riddance! You'll do great without him.... Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 hi guys... just felt like posting again. guess i'm feeling a bit low and i feel comfortable here expressing what i feel, no matter how right or wrong those feelings are... guess it's really hitting me now about whats happened this last month or so. god why did this have to happen? my life would have been so simple if it weren't for our confessions. sometimes, secrets are better. our own private secrets should be kept to ourselves. it would have hurt less if we hadn't have admitted how much we wanted each other. i need to be strong. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 going to bed now... still being strong... have not emailed him again since the work email... will not email him again... i must give myself more respect. i only see him right now though, everywhere i look. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 6, 2006 Author Share Posted October 6, 2006 here goes another day at work... obviously i am still thinking about him as i would not be here writing this otherwise.... just want to get through each day, retaining my pride and dignity. i have given him so much over the last month in terms of emails, attention etc... i still don't really regret the last honest email but i do regret deeply the events that lead to it, the constant, shorter irrational emails. i wish i could have just controlled myself... this kind of thing has never happened to me before... but i do feel i have learnt an important lesson for my future. i know that its hard to control actions when you fall for someone and feel that infatuation, lust etc... but it is not worth letting yourself get too emotionally attached... not until you know that you can trust that person, and even then, never be too emotionally dependent on anybody, habits, routines involving that person. i will always try and put myself first. god, i never thought life could be like this. when i was younger, i imagined it so different. you find your guy... you both fall deeply in love... you have kids, grow old together... you become best friends that are deeply in love forever... life is a lot more sordid than that... Link to comment
Sad_now Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Hi there! Hope you are feeling better today? Has he replied to any of your contact attempts? Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 6, 2006 Author Share Posted October 6, 2006 hello... i am feeling okay i guess. yesterday was a real 'down' day. but i am still here, still trying to get on with it. No he hasn't replied to anything. But i knew he wouldn't so i am trying my mental best not to dwell on it. i think that for him, it was over a long time ago, probably as soon as he asked me to stop emailing him. for me it didnt end as quick and thats why i lost control, ended up emailing him constantly. i dont know exactly how i feel right now. i still do have feelings for him. but i am confused as to whether these feelings are due to the rejection, the ignoring, or whether they are genuine feelings. what i do know however is that i still feel like rubbish. Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 6, 2006 Author Share Posted October 6, 2006 just feel like posting.... so, another weekend. this is when i find it the toughest. because i am away from work, at home, with time to think, and unfortunately, when my mind is free, thoughts of him are difficult to get off my mind. but ive been pretty good since that last emotional email i sent on tues as it is now friday and i only initiated contact with him since then for work related issues. anyway i found out that all that equipment moving stuff that i thought he was being useless with yesterday was not actually down to him. he had delegated control to a colleague and so actually i can't blame him for yesterdays events! i'm kind of glad about that actually as i kept thinking what a mess he made of it just so he could avoid it! and the whole time he was unavailable and somebody was handling things at the other end! i feel really weird right now... i really miss him, but having him work elsewhere will definitely make the whole process easier.... Link to comment
female1981 Posted October 7, 2006 Author Share Posted October 7, 2006 starting to feel the weekend weakness... feeling the temptation to email... help me somebody Link to comment
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