Girls, what is a confident guy like?

[Salucious]

I've been short for my age all my life, and I think it is the reason for my lack of confidence. But I'm pretty much over it, I know that it isn't always the deciding factor for women. I know showing confidence is the key. But the problem is I've never really had it, so where will it come from? I mean, how does someone show that they are confident without seeming overly confident (obnoxious or arrogant). I think this is why people say that girls like jerks. Because the fact is, if confidence is key, then girls are going to go for the most confident guys around, so there will be competition. That is why many guys will act like asses around women, because they know they respond to it (and they do). I am fairly shy, and I think that prevents me from showing confidence. I think people look at me and see that I'm short, and always quiet thereforeeee they assume I'm not confident. I don't understand how it is done without me trying to show-off, which is what confidence often seems like to me. What I think confidence should be is something that you don't have to make obvious. These are my theories on confidence, tell me what you think.

1. You CANNOT be a "confident, shy person" -this is like an oxi-moron, if you are confident you have no reason to be shy.

2. Shyness is common, but RARELY goes away. I've gotten advise from an experienced psychologist, he says shy people will always be shy their whole lives. Does this mean I can never be seen as confident?

 

I don't think other people are better than me, nor do I think I am less of a person than eanyone else. I have opinions that I stand by and I don't let people walk all over me. Isn't this what confidence is about? Does being modest cancel all that out?

 

My real question to girls is, how do you tell a guy is confident? Does he have to be (somewhat) in-your-face outgoing, because that is the kind of idea I am getting from reading posts about this topic.

 

My main concern is that because I am shy and modest (and I always will be) girls cannot see that I'm confident. Or are there ways to express it? Is it possible to be shy/modest and be confident?

[chai714]

Confidence encompasses a package of characteristics, not necessarily one or two specific traits.

 

The most psychologically powerful way to express confidence is with a smile. Beyond the smile must be depth. This means being able to converse, being able to project confident body langauge, not seeking approval from anyone and knowing what you stand for, and also being able to take criticism without it affecting your feelings. Confidence is this, and a whole lot more.

[DaDancingPsych]

I don't personally agree with your psychologist's point of view on shyness. I think of it as a skill. Shy individuals have something to overcome, they have to learn to be more outgoing. I think I'm a naturally shy person, but I've worked on it and most people think that I'm pretty outgoing now. However in the end, the choice is yours. You can either sit in the corner quietly or speak up and talk to people.

 

I don't associate shyness with height. I wonder if that is something that YOU are labeling yourself as. I'm short and that's why I'm shy. That's like saying I've got burnette hair, so I'm funny. They aren't related. Accept your physical traits as yours and use them to your advantage. Appreciate yourself for who you are.

 

No, I don't think one has to be arrogant and cocky to be confident. I don't want someone who brags and carries on about himself. I want someone who is willing to share things about himself with me and in return listen to my thoughts. That's confidence to me!!! The person who is boostful is often the one who is lacking in confidence, so he tries to make himself sound better than he feels he is.

 

BTW, girls are dumb (I can say that, because I am one.) I don't know why we date such jerks, but give us a break... most of us come around. Continue being the caring individual you are and the right girl will appreciate this!!! You have desireable traits, just let them shine through!!!

[Dako]

I've met many confident, shy people.

Confidence can be in many areaas, not just social skills.

An example would be shy comedians who can face audiences fearlessly.

Some actors can dominate a stage, but fear a backstage interview.

[friscodj]

Confidence, to me, has a lot to do with indifference. A confident person, thereforeeee, is indifferent to the notions of the "What if...?" questions that generate fear and inhibitions. He simply don't care if a woman doesn't take to his advances, he doesn't care how people will perceive his way, his demeanor, his personality, who he is as a person.

 

And above all, he (or she, I use "he" because you asked about guys specifically) is happy because of these things and happy with himself. He has accepted himself for who he is and this indifference is generated by this security and lack of the need for outside gratification.

 

Now there's a balance here too, between confidence and common sense. You wouldn't show up to a job interview, for example, not caring how someone perceived you...but in daily personal life (professional aspect aside), I think confidence is generally rooted in indifference to other's perceptions and receptions of you...quite simply...it is being yourself and being comfortable and happy doing so.

[Dako]

frisco,

A agree completely.

 

My life improved dramatcally when I stopped caring what everyone thinks.

I often tell my self, "I don't give a bleep" so I can function under stress.

[friscodj]

My life improved dramatcally when I stopped caring what everyone thinks.

 

It's pretty powerful...living your life and not someone else's...

[Salucious]

Ok, this all makes sense, and I DON'T care about what people think, so maybe when girls say they like a guy with confidence, they mean they want a guy that is very outgoing. Because I am confident yet women aren't attracted to me, but then again I'm shy so they may not have the chance to get to know me. And I do believe that shyness is next to impossible to get rid of, my psychologist didn't say shyness was bad or that it hinders you from doing what you want, it's just a trait that people have that usually stays with them. All these responses are good, but it doesn't really answer my question of how do you SHOW confidence. when a girl meets a guy, how can she tell the difference, how does she know that guy has confidence?

[New_Horizons]

I don't associate shyness with height. I wonder if that is something that YOU are labeling yourself as. I'm short and that's why I'm shy. That's like saying I've got burnette hair, so I'm funny. They aren't related. Accept your physical traits as yours and use them to your advantage. Appreciate yourself for who you are.

 

 

Not to be rude or anything, but you're female. You don't know what it's like to be a short guy. The analogy with hair color doesn't work because hair color has no bearing on confidence or on how other people view you (aside from blonde jokes).

 

Short guys deal with crap ALL the time. Women see us as less desirable, less 'manly', less strong (physically and otherwise), less confident. Is it surprising that we end up with a low self esteem? It starts right from childhood. My mother (she meant well of course) consulted doctors on how to make me taller. Nothing worked. My dad wondered why I never reached his height (and he's short too). Teachers at school asked me if I was eating properly, because everyone else was taller. Between the "eat your spinach!" and "drink more milk", people forgot that I was just as much a human being, and a MAN, as the other youths.

 

Now, nobody tells me in my face but I KNOW what everyone is thinking. I feel it at school and work. Subtle things, like "Wow, you eat a lot for your size". Both men and women treat me with contempt (other short guys being the exception). Now I can deal with contempt from men but how can I allow 99% of women to view me as an undesirable guy without it affecting my confidence?

[Dako]

NH

For what it's worth,

My room mate is very short, and I'm 6/5. He tells me that his height bothered him when life was about peer pressure and getting comfy in his own skin, but after a while it became a non-issue as he built a life and raised kids and was concerned with other things. I've known him 30 years, and he was always the chick magnet, not me.

[Salucious]

I have to agree with New_Horizons, it is TOTALLY different with girls. This is just from my experience, but I see generally more outgoing girls than guys. Girls are naturally more social; guys come to them, it is easier for them to make friends. Let me ask you this: Has a guy ever come up to you and talked to you (about anything)? Have you ever been asked out? I'll assume you have had both happen, so it is easy for you to talk about being confident and social, people have actually come up to you wanting to meet you. Being as short as I am, I'm NEVER approached by girls. Now I know that isn't traditional, but it should make the point that it is way easier for girls to have confidence in social situations. Do you know what I mean?

[New_Horizons]

NH

For what it's worth,

My room mate is very short, and I'm 6/5. He tells me that his height bothered him when life was about peer pressure and getting comfy in his own skin, but after a while it became a non-issue as he built a life and raised kids and was concerned with other things. I've known him 30 years, and he was always the chick magnet, not me.

 

I'm sure you're right. It's what my few well-meaning friends tell me too, when I express frustration at my dating failures. But, life doesn't begin in the mid or late 20's (or whenever more important things take over). Even if I were to find the best woman in the world in my 30's, and have kids and a car, I would look back on my Empty Teens/Twenties and wonder how much better my life could've been. Also, my lack of experience would be a major stumbling point. It's one of those catch-22's - I need experience to find love, but I need love to get experience.

 

PS: DaDancingPsych, I forgot to mention something else. Regarding the whole "Mr.Nice Guy Should Wait, Because The Woman Eventually Realizes Her Mistakes And Falls Into His Arms" :

1. Nice guys should not be made to pay the price of waiting and waiting until the women suddenly change their minds.

2. Nice guys would like the experience of being her first (many guys are willing to let go of this somewhat minor issue but I consider it important).

[rightfromthestart]

if they can cover off all the bases. a confident man, has a certain walk, and posture. when they talk it makes u feel at ease, u listen, and a confident man actually is aware of his surroundings, doesn't panic under pressure and shows grace and empathy while always being able to cut to the chase. a confident man can wear different coloured socks while mowing the lawn, can book a trip for two to german, and can lay pipe and be tender with children. he knows who he is, what he wants, and makes sure he understands what his partner needs.

 

much more?

[Allie.]

Hmm. to me a confident guy is:

 

1) the first one to approach me.

2) Does things he wants to do and doesn't do them because of other ppl.

3) Admits that he's cried and felt weak recently.

4) he is sure of who he is and he won't change for anyone else.

5) he isn't afraid to speak his mind

6) he loves to do crazy things in the middle of odd situations.

7) and of course, the legendary...is able to wear pink [haaha. kidding]

[Salucious]

Hmm. to me a confident guy is:

 

1) the first one to approach me.

2) Does things he wants to do and doesn't do them because of other ppl.

3) Admits that he's cried and felt weak recently.

4) he is sure of who he is and he won't change for anyone else.

5) he isn't afraid to speak his mind

6) he loves to do crazy things in the middle of odd situations.

7) and of course, the legendary...is able to wear pink [haaha. kidding]

 

I can understand all these things, and I believe I have all these things covered. Okay, I might have to work on 1) but other than that, from what people posted I still don't see how people can tell you are confident. Other guys I see in college who have girls around them constantly just seem to act cocky and like a tough-guy. A lot of times it seems like other guys just get in my way of meeting girls, like they keep the attention of girls and I'm struggling to be seen/heard. I find that strange, since I don't look threatening but the way other guys look at me/act around me it seems they think I don't belong and am a walking joke. I don't think being short is what is affecting my confidence, it is more just lack of experience meeting people and making friends. It is hard in college to find friends after your freshman year. My freshman year I was too shy and reserved (looking back I would have acted a lot different). Now it is hard because everyone has best friends and I lack a "group." People see me constantly by myself and might assume I'm a loner. I'm willing to put myself out there, but would it kill a cute girl to come up to me and be bold, i would find that very attractive!

[New_Horizons]

Regarding Allie's point #3, I don't think most women (especially young women) consider a weak or crying man as a confident man. Unless it's a VERY traumatic event, they view crying as a sign of effeminacy. It's a misconception that men force themselves to be strong and tough. It's women who expect them to be this way.

[Oldboy]

I agree that a sign of confidence is a person's indifference to how others perceive him. It's not arrogance or cockiness it's just the notion that the confident person has his own values and his own view of the world. These values and views are usually hard won. Confidence doesn't always come naturally. It's usually earned.

[friscodj]

I agree that a sign of confidence is a person’s indifference to how others perceive him. It’s not arrogance or cockiness it’s just the notion that the confident person has his own values and his own view of the world. These values and views are usually hard won. Confidence doesn’t always come naturally. It’s usually earned.

 

Oh yeah... And it usually comes after being beat down in big ways, getting back up, and realizing, "Hey! I just got up from that? I can get up from anything."

 

And then from there, you just do what you do and be happy doing it...

[Salucious]

But then why does it seem like so many girls hang around guys that act cocky and show off for everybody? I see guys constantly trying to be funny and show off, it looks so pathetic but it works, it makes me want to not bother talking to girls if thats how I have to act. It has always seemed that women have a different definition of confidence; Allies description makes sense to me however the kind of guys I see girls hover around always seem like they just act a certain way to please the crowd. If you say "be your true self and don't let anything change that" and by nature I am the strong silent type, is there any chance people/girls will still want to get to know me? Going back to my original post, can someone be confident but still really shy?

[Salucious]

Oh yeah... And it usually comes after being beat down in big ways, getting back up, and realizing, "Hey! I just got up from that? I can get up from anything."

 

And then from there, you just do what you do and be happy doing it...

 

I like what you said, it makes total sense to me. Life makes you learn from all your painful experiences. I really believe in the "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality.

[Markers]

 

and of course, the legendary...is able to wear pink

 

I can't wear pink because of my skin color - too pale. You need to have fairly dark skin tone to get pink look good. So maybe I'm not confident because I don't want to look bad

 

 

 

Admits that he's cried and felt weak recently.

 

 

Now maybe I'm unconfident, but as I have not cried for... years, I can't admit that I would have done it. Of course I could lie and say I did, but I don't want to do that as I'm a guy who:

 

Does things he wants to do and doesn't do them because of other ppl.

he is sure of who he is and he won't change for anyone else.

he isn't afraid to speak his mind

 

So yeah...

[andrewman]

Salucious, to get to your big question, how do you stop being shy or be confident while still being a shy person. Well, you can do it through practice. Next time you go to the bookstore make it a point to strike up a conversation with someone, anyone, with no notions of anything else, this is a test run conversation. The next time you go to the grocery store, strike up a conversation with someone you're actually attracted to, again, not for any reason but practice. Keep doing that until you can get up the nerve to actually ask someone out. Shyness isn't bad, but it's something that you have to work at so you can take control of your self. And remember, if you feel fear and you can overcome it, you're growing as a person.

 

Good Luck, and enjoy the ride.

[Caldus]

Whenever I get drunk at a party, I become a chick magnet. And I think it has to do with the whole "I don't give ****" attitude I am portraying through my voice and body language. But lately I have not been giving a **** about what people think of me anyway and I have to agree with the others, it's real liberating. Just stop caring about how people perceive you. Accept yourself for who you are and don't ever let other people try to break that acceptance. Be yourself and have fun.

[TheRedQueen]

I'm starting to doubt that they even exist in the first place. So to somewhat answer your question, I wouldn't have the faintest idea as to what a confident guy is like for never in my 24 years of life have I met one.

[Caldus]

I'm starting to doubt that they even exist in the first place. So to somewhat answer your question, I wouldn't have the faintest idea as to what a confident guy is like for never in my 24 years of life have I met one.

 

That's crazy. No way. You have definitely met some confident men in your life. I mean have you not ever been attracted to a guy in any way? If you have, then he was confident right? What is your definition of confidence? Just curious.