She is only romantic when drinking...

[CrossCheck75]

Greetings, all. This is my first post here and I'm pleased to join the fray.

 

The title of this post really sums up the thesis of my concerns/complaints but allow me to paint a brief context for you...

 

I am a 31 year old male deeply in love with a 28 year old female. We've been together for nine months now; we do not yet live together. Our communication is quite solid and we are both very committed to one another. I've not yet been married and, having been through a multitude of turbulent relationships, have learned to extract lessons from all relational hardships and identify red flags with prospective mates. I feel that I have finally found a genuine 'Mrs. Right,' although I obviously am now sensing a few doubts.

 

While I am not generally a smothering, clingy man, I have found that I do have difficulty in relationships with women that are too relationally independent. I am profoundly romantic, affectionate, sensitive, and communicative. I do not appreciate being made to feel like an afterthought in a relationship and while I can certainly respect an independent woman with strong boundaries, that type of individual is not an ideal match for someone like myself in need of considerably more attention and intimacy.

 

Further, I have a high libido. I understand that sexual incompatibility is among the chief causes of breakups and, God knows, I've been through those relationships with partners who desire sex a mere fraction of what I do. As virtually any expert will tell you, they simply just do not work.

 

The sex is not so much an issue in this current relationship, however. Although it is clear that I desire it more frequently than she, she has thus far been very good at seeing to it that my needs and desires are met. There has been no conflict along that front.

 

I say that to draw a clear distinction between sex and romance/intimacy. I am sexually satisfied. Moving on...

 

My partner appears to be simultaneously as affectionate and romantic as myself, and likewise aloof, detached, distant, indifferent, and far too independent. What do I mean? Alcohol. There are two sides of her-- drinking/not drinking.

 

I really would hate to think that the pillars of our relationship are predicated on intoxication, since neither of us is an alcoholic. It wouldn't take an expert or a genius to recognize that such a relationship would be ultimately doomed if the starry-eyed romance is nothing more than a whimsical, fleeting, alcohol-induced facade. On a humorous note, I suppose if she *were* a perpetual drunkard there would be no need for this post .

 

No, I do feel that we're not quite that bad off and that there may yet be hope for us with a little patience, time, and understanding... OK, getting to the meat of it, folks...

 

I'd say we both enjoy imbibing a few adult beverages 2-3 times per week. We're both highly outgoing, social animals who enjoy being in the presense of lots of people, nightlife, etc. Drinkers and non-drinkers generally tend to encounter conflict over it, so we're a good fit there.

 

My intimacy needs are more than sufficiently fulfilled as she is very open and honest to a fault-- when drinking. My romantic needs are likewise met as she is very passionate and expressive of her love and devotion to me-- when drinking. See a pattern here?

 

Even after nine months, we still routinely exchange loving text messages like two kids in puppy love. We sit for hours, holding each other, kissing, stroking, whispering sweet nothings. Candle-lit bubble baths to the sounds of smooth jazz, wine, etc. Beyond bliss!! All such stuff that passionate romantics like myself thrive on.

 

Remove the bottle of wine, however, and things aren't so cheery. I tend to be pretty constant with my own expressions and interests whether a mind altering substance is involved or not. She, on the other hand, is night and day in that regard.

 

It perplexes, frustrates, and sometimes even hurts me that our talks our so drab and dry when she is stone cold sober. When I tell her that I love her, she either fails to reciprocate or she ping-pongs back a rather unenthusiastic and mechanical "love ya too." If I discuss our relationship/future, she clams up and finds ways to change the subject. It's as if she's a shy stranger on a first date. Sweet text messages from her that pour in at a ferocious pace when she's drinking are non-existent. She'd rather spend time with her parents, friends, watch a film, or read a book alone than spend time with me.

 

It is here that I am at times made to feel that I am demanding, exacting, controlling, jealous, clingy, blah blah blah. She has never employed any of those terms in describing me, though one can't help but feel that way when a red hot lover abruptly goes ice cold. One can feel neglected and natural curiosity takes root as to why their significant other is for no apparent reason suddenly being so distant and seemingly disinterested. Well, I guess I've answered my own question there-- alcohol and lack thereof.

 

My incrementally mounting disgruntlement has led me to recently propose a no-contact timeout for us after an argument, in order to step outside of the relationship and more objectively assess whether or not we're acting with our minds in the interest of the long term, or merely behaving at the behest of our hormones and hearts as fickle juveniles seeking instant gratification. For three days she called and sent emails around the clock, crying and telling me that I am the love of her life and such (funny that some people only open up like that when faced with the prospect of being dumped).

 

I felt awful, but remained committed to a no contact policy so that I could see it all more clearly with the emotional haze removed. Another week with absolutely no calls, messages, or emails elapsed. All was well. It wasn't comfortable and that wretched roller coaster feeling had me unable to sleep and feeling ill, but I felt that so long as I could perpetuate this no contact for a few weeks some progress would be made. Each other's absense, I figured, would replenish the drive to kickstart the relationship and more adequatley prepare us to openly discuss any perceived obstacles/grievances within the relationship.

 

Then, suddenly, four emails and a text message bombarded me one night with the usual sentiments, "miss you, will always love you, etc." I wanted her back. Not later, not down the road, not in some distant future-- I impulsively wanted her back then and there. So, of course I abandoned the no contact policy and reopened communication the following day. Now get this... She hadn't even remembered sending me the emails and text message the night before because she'd been drinking!!! So I violated my own no-contact policy in response to HER contact that she didn't even REMEMBER initiating! Does that not take the cake?

 

Here we are back to the status-quo again. Nothing has been resolved or even discussed. To the contrary, we're skirting around the issues and doing all of the typical post-no-contact stuff-- keeping it light, no relationship analysis, blah blah...

 

Should I approach my concerns differently and learn to accept her as an independent woman? Maybe this is just another case with a disparity among two partners in terms of romantic/intimate propensities, and if so, I should just take the "good her" while drinking as a "bonus?" Or, maybe she's just an incredibly shy introvert who finds avenues of expression via alcohol? In that case, then time is the panacea here as the "real her" is surfacing when drunk and eventually she'll arrive at a more constant balance...

 

I really, really love this woman and tend to focus on her upside more than anything. I am just trying to be very prudent and mindful of potential problems in the long run as I do not want to find myself devestated in the midst of some divorce down the road or what not with children, property, and invested time/emotion at stake. I suppose there are really a few subtopics I've introduced with this post, and I frankly do not know how to frame all of this within the context of a single question. Perhaps just some shared experiences or sincere advice would help me here.

 

Thanks for your time!

[AzureSkyes69]

That is not a very good sign I have been there in your place.

when someone has to get drunk to be with you that is never good.Sorry.

Maybe you should talk to her.

[Batya33]

I understand that you have needs but why not try - for a week - being other-directed instead and being sensitive to her needs for a little space?

[CrossCheck75]

Thanks for the response, Kleopatra. Unfortunately, I have discussed all this with her... A lot! She denies that there is any disparity in her demeanor while sober/intoxicated, though it couldn't be more readily apparent. Even her own roommate has asked me if I'd noticed the Jeckyl/Hyde syndrome with her. One might suggest that she's bi-polar, except these aren't mood swings we're talking about. We're talking about someone who loves the hell out of me and can't get enough of me while drunk, then wants nothing to do with me when sober...

 

The Italians have an old adage: "There is truth in wine." Perhaps this is true. I can also tell you from experience that drunks are full of absolute bullcrap at times, too.

 

So, either I'm only desirable to a drunk woman or she's just not a very passionate person without the "truth of wine." Time will tell I suppose.

[Mun]

From the way I see it it's important that she love you and you love her when she is sober...otherwise it doesn't mean much.

 

Since she is distant and uninterested when sober then that can't be good. No matter how much you love her you can't make her be more attentive ( without the wine, mind you) and that is no way to live.

 

Talk with her and find out what is truly going on.

 

She may just be "shy" emotionally...personally I'm not all that touchy feely with my bf because that's just who I am --but my feelings are always the same and he knows this. When drinking I do tend to be a bit more openly affectionate though.

[VIRGOLDY]

Cross check, do you thik your g/f has a problem with alcohol? Meaning do you think she drinks too much?

[Beec]

When we drink, we lower our inhibitions. She drinks, and what ever stops her from wanting to be affectionate is overcome. I do not think she will ever fawn over you in public. But, you might get her more comfortable with some displays of affection. You cannot really question her emotion, but you need to look for the roadblock and work around it or to destroy it over time.

 

The easiest way might be for you to find times when you were really aloof. Also, there was one woman I got to habitually hold hands in public. When I began dating her, she never would. Before it ended, when we went outside, she grabbed mine.

 

And you may need to decide that you will just end it because of this. If she knows that is the risk, maybe she will adapt.

[CrossCheck75]

VIRGOLDY, "too much" is very much a subjective phrase. "Too much," in accordance to some may be simply getting drunk, i.e., over the legal .08% BAC limit which can be attained with just 3 drinks.

 

As it applies here, in my case and in my opinion, "too much" is when the drinking is problematic within the relationship. If she's sending sappy text and email messages and leaving lengthy voicemail messages on my cell, then not even remembering doing it the next day... well, I'd say that qualifies as a problematic "too much."

 

But, let us not digress. This wasn't a "my partner is an alcoholic" post. Ironically, the problems I am experiencing end when she drinks and resume when she is again sober.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[finewhine]

Alcohol lowers inhibitions and enhances self-aggrandizement. I am thinking of myself, here. I have been dating this guy for a few weeks now. We, like you and your ladyfriend, are very social people who go out and drink two to three times a week. While our situations aren't exactly analogous, I can offer this: I feel a whole lot hornier when I'm a little lit. Maybe, just maybe, your girlfriend is an extremely inhibited person. Maybe she doesn't trust herself or you, but when her inhibitions are lowered, she throws caution to the wind and loves you.

 

Could this be what's happening? This is a really weird situation, for sure

[phillygal]

CrossCheck75, I think she really care's about you and like some ppl have said, drinking enables her to lower her inhibitions. I can relate to this because i'm exactly the same way. I've never been a very affectionate person and although i might have strong feelings for a man i have a hard time really showing this. However, when i drink, i don't have the time to think of what i'm doing, I just do whatever i want to do without the worry of seeming overly vulnerable or clingy.

 

So, i think you should really look at this objectively. Is this how she was from the start or did she gradually become more distant? Is this something you can live with or will this eventually eat at you?

[CrossCheck75]

Thanks, Phillygal...

 

Yes, she was this way right from the start. The first few times we'd talked, she was very cool, casual, reserved, not very deep or passionate about anything. Then we spoke one night late after she'd been out drinking with her girlfriends and it utterly blew me away. She told me that I am the most amazing man in the world, that she could see us one day married, etc. There are two sides to her, and they couldn't be more polarized.

 

As for your second question, no, I could not learn to live with this. I wouldn't allow myself to tolerate it. I need someone uninhibited, attentive, and passionate in my life, NOT just while sucking down booze.

[Mun]

Are you saying that if things don't change you are leaving her?

 

My dad has done some dumb things while drunk and I've told my mom to video tape him because he doesn't believe when we tell him what he did. Have you tried that with your gf? She doesn't believe you, but she may need help.That might be a good way to get her to recognize the problem and then start working on it.