Just lost & need help

[Chillins99]

I am just hurting and lonely and don't know what to do. I have no one but a few casual friends to turn to. I just turned 36 and was dumped by my ex-gf about a year ago. Basically because she issued me ultimatums (must marry me within 2 months, generally didn't treat me well or with much respect etc) but I didn't cave into them so she dumped me. She had issues and threatened to commit suicide twice at my place, thus my reluctance. So I have been single for over a year. I live in an area in which most people my age are married, although I live in a town with some nightlife and singles. It is tough to meet new people. I am a "homebody" type and don't like going out to bars all the time (but I do like doing things and hanging out with friends). I do have a small group of friends and thank God because pretty much my non-work life revolves around them. My company was just purchased by another company and my job will most likely be going away in the next few months. Work stinks now because of all the transition and severance meetings etc. I hate where I live, it is a crappy little apartment in a very commercial, noisy area of the town I live in. I was only planning to be here for a year or two but that has turned into 5 1/2 now. Was looking to buy a house but now with the job insecurity I feel like I should stay where I am until I find another job and get stable. Even though living where I live is making me miserable. I have lousy relationships with several neighbors (long story). My mother died almost 5 years ago, my father re-married and moved out of state. In fact I was supposed to go visit him this last weekend but bailed, telling him a small lie and that I wasn't feeling up to driving out to him by myself and back (which is true). I don't speak to my siblings anymore because they both blew my folks off and treat them like garbage (and they don't reach out to me anyway, it's like I don't exist anymore to one of them).

 

So basically no area of my life is good to me (I have my health, I even had a major health scare a few years back and should feel lucky and I do but it isn't helping the way I approach life right now) and I don't even know where to start. My job will probably be ending and I don't like it or the people I work with anymore. I hate where I live in this noisy small apartment with bad neighbors, but I feel I can't move or buy a place until I get another job at least. Every time I leave my apt to go to my car I feel like I am surrounded by people who dislike me, which is true. It sux. I have been single for over a year depsite trying link removed, went on a few dates which didn't go anywhere. In the past match at least worked for me, the last few times women didn't seem into me at all. I have been circulating my resume to a headhunter and a few places but no interest yet (after 2 months). I have no one but a small circle of friends to do anything with, poker once in a while, maybe hanging at someone's house. I am meeting no new people but desperately want to, but don't know how to start. It's like I need to get a life and don't know how. Not the type to go out by myself and do things myself but I guess I have no choice now. Don't speak to my family except for my father once in a while, but he has remarried and is doing his own thing. I just feel like no one wants me, I am getting rejected at every turn, fear that no matter what I try (find job find woman etc) nothing is working. I know I don't try hard enough but once I fail a couple times I start to give up feeling what's the use? I have tried seeing therapists a couple of times but they didn't help me, just put me on lexapro which I quit. All of this is exacerbated by the fact that I smoke pot which I know I need to stop using but at least it calms me down and makes me feel better.

 

I just feel out of it, lonely and miserable. At the time when I thought I would be turning things around, at the peak of my life here. Thing is, I do get out and do things. I stay in shape and exercise. People have said "well no one will like/love you until you like/love yourself" and "make your own life good and from there you can build a life with others" etc. But I *do* like myself, I *do* think I am overall a good catch. I do things I enjoy but without a significant other in my life I feel empty, even when having fun doing various things. I like athletic stuff but not meeting anyone doing that. I just got my MBA recently but so far it hasn't landed me any job interviews. I even had a nose job a year ago to make myself look better, but now it seems like women aren't interested in me. So my self confidence is shot, no female interest, no job interviews, feel like a loser, like my friends are thinking what up with him why can't he get anywhere. I just don't know where to turn, what to do anymore. Like I don't want to try anymore when that is exactly what I need to do. Help?

[rose2summer]

Your intentions in your life dictate your successes.

 

The energy you're a part of, if it's positive, will bring a positive outcome.

 

Read Wayne Dyer's Power of Intention.

 

In the book he addresses how you create your life, that book has been incredibly inspirational for me.

 

The mind is inherently creative, kind, loving, beautiful, expanding, endlessly abundant, and how you use your assets depends on what you want out of life.

 

If you want to be happy and have success, you will be the one to cause that to occur.

 

Hugs, Rose

[WorkNProgress]

Hi There,

 

Sorry your feeling not on the up and up. Perhaps look at this from a different point of view. Your job, your living arrangement, your life, etc is in need of a change. Use this as a catalyst to propel you into something new. If you don't like the area you live in consider a move. Move to a different city or state. As for your job start looking for something now. There is no hurting in applying the worst that could happen is you are offered an interview I think once certain things in your life start to take a positive change it has a ripple effect on the rest of things.

 

If you have problems with your social circle look on Craigslist in your area for different groups. Or link removed is a great resource for clubs in your area.

 

You have all the power to change your life and environment, you just have to start with one step forward

[onewithbooks]

Hey chillins

 

I can sympathize with your feelings. have you thought about moving to a new city? Get a fresh start? Sometimes its nice to go somewhere where you can start over. It might be just the thing you need.

 

LeAnn

[Beec]

I kind of agree, a bit, with rose2summer. One's life is often affected in every way by our attitude toward it. And you need to know that you can change any and everything about it.

 

Job wise, you need to not rely on a headhunter, go get it yourself. Look for people who need what you can do, look for companies you would like to work for, fields you would like to work in, jobs you would like to have, and go ask for them. And when one potential employer says no, ask another. Keep asking.

 

As far as making friends, that's easier to do, but start with your interests. What do you like to do and what would you like to do. Get out there and do some of it or more things. If you can find people who share your interests, you'll be more likely to make friends.

 

But also work on your socialization skills. Work on how you make people feel, when you meet them, and that will help. If people run into you and then feel good, they will want to do it again and again. I've found no better book for that the Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, but there are many.

 

As far as dating, work on the skills needed. If you want a suggestion on working any particular skill, ask.

 

Also, find women to date, any women to begin with, then get more selective over time. If you have one date, it is easier to get another woman on a date.

 

Your post describes you now in a job you meant to have for 1-2 years, about it is five years later. Sounds like maybe you got a little complacent, comfortable, not wanting to take a chance. Well, stop it, and get out there. If you get reejcted, try again.

[jaiva]

You don't just have to like yourself in order to get other people to like you; you have to be whole by yourself in order for you to be attractive. If you think you NEED to have a significant other in order for you to have better life then everyone will sense that and it will turn them off. You have to have self-confidence in order to attract people. You have to be accepting of where you are, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually in order to have self-confidence. You have to be grateful for the things that you have and work harder to reach the things that you would like to have. Once you are happy within yourself and with all the things that you have whether it is a fancy mansion in L.A. or a one room shack in the worst place on earth, then people will be attracted to you. People meaning male and females, they'll want to befriend you and find out who this self-confident person is.

 

Jaiva

 

[jaiva]

Hey chillins

 

I can sympathize with your feelings. have you thought about moving to a new city? Get a fresh start? Sometimes its nice to go somewhere where you can start over. It might be just the thing you need.

 

LeAnn

 

Well the thing about that is if he goes with the same mind set he has then he'll bring his troubles with him. Yes, there will be new people and new jobs but he'll still be the same him. You can't run away from your problems. They always seem to follow.

 

Jaiva

 

[onewithbooks]

Well the thing about that is if he goes with the same mind set he has then he'll bring his troubles with him. Yes, there will be new people and new jobs but he'll still be the same him. You can't run away from your problems. They always seem to follow.

 

Jaiva

 

 

I wasn't suggesting that he run away from the problems at hand, only that a fresh place/people might give him a new incentive. I know that when I have felt down a new set of surroundings has usually given me a different perspective and that helps me to deal with the goings on of life.

[jhald]

Some great things for Chillins99 to think on.

 

Here is a bit more.

Your life will follow your emotionally backed thoughts. You are what you think!

You have gotten yourself in a negative spiral where what you don't like has become the center of your predominate thought, one feeding another and so on.

Your perspective has become clouded by all this, so it is all you can see.

If all you do is pay attention to exactly what you don't like about life, then you will just get more of the same. It is very much an exact ratio - if you think about how miserable you are 90% of the time, that will become about 90% of your daily life. But if you are only unhappy with 10% of your life, it almost has no affect on you.

 

The key is to do something about it.

 

First you need to turn everything around from what you don't like to what you would like.

 

Try this - take a sheet of paper and divide it down the middle with a line making a right and left side. On the left list everything you don't want or don't like about your life right now, get it all out there.

 

Then on the right list the opposite of each statement - what you would like, and it must be stated in the affirmitive.

 

Now you have some things that you want that you can begin to focus on.

Write these positive statements again each on a separate sheet. Then write why it is important to you.

 

Next, write one or two things you can do right away to take a small step towards each desired item.

 

Then get yourself to gradually correct yourself when you are thinking negative and replace with the positive, want statement.

 

You can use affirmations to help train yourself to focus more on what you want, but you will need to add emotion behind the words if you want them to gain in power in your mind, this is why it's important to have a meaningful reason why you want it - something you can get emotional about.

Whatever thoughts have the most emotional power will have the most impact on your daily behavior.

Plus add in action. You must begin to take action towards what you DO want.

 

With thought, emotion and action you will find yourself with a different perspective on everything, which will itself add to the motivation to take more action. Also your motivation will increase as you see that you are making even small progress towards what you want in your life.

 

You will be in a positive thought cycle where good thoughts feed more good thoughts about what you want, rather than the negative cycle that brings more focus on what you don't like.

 

This got a bit long for my first post here -

 

Just think of it this way, your predominate thoughts right now effect your perspective, your thoughts and your actions tomorrow. You get to choose - what you DO want or more of what you don't want.

 

Whatever you think - it's always there for you!

 

Jhald

[Chillins99]

I guess the thing that gets me is that the "solutions" to problems like mine sure sound simple in text. But actually doing them and expecting them to work is another.

 

Maybe it's because I'm cynical. I mean, how many people successfully make actual *friends* through things like joining a hiking club or a cooking or photography class? And how many people actually find significant others this way? Even at work, work friendships are different from personal friendships. That is why the term "work friend" exists. I look at myself at this point in my life, 36, had a privileged upbringing...yet I am alone and have a small handful of friends from high school and college still around. I'm not a bad guy, funny fun etc. I'm not afraid of hard work either. But sketching goals on one side of a piece of paper, then steps to take to get there...I just see it as cheesy and ridiculous. Does anyone know what I mean? I am a cynical (I would also say realistic) person about things. Do I really think I can make actual close friends or find a girlfriend by joining a photogrpahy class or hiking club? I know the answer, "who knows, better than what you have now, what do you have to lose" etc. But I am just being realistic.

 

I am going to do these things just because I have no other choice. The one thing no one ever talks about is what do you do when you try things a few times and things aren't working out? Doesn't work? When do you give up and say what's the use? They always say just don't give up you have to keep trying. Really? I gave up on online dating (even though it's worked for me before) because I tried three separate times in the last year and got nothing but no responses and a damaged ego. (But it also has to do with the fact that I saw these sites finally for what they are, shams designed to be easy for women for various reasons but very difficult for men).

 

I just don't know how I got here. How did I wind up like this? I have never had a problem making friends and people seem to like hanging out with me. But I am not the life of the party type person, I like chilling out at home or hanging with friends so meeting new people and women is esp. tough for me. It isn't easy going out by yourself to various activities in order to meet people! And it sure as hell isn't easy to uproot yourself and move to a new state/city where you might not know anyone! What also gets me are people who are tempted to cheat on their gf's/bf's/wives/husbands or seem to have someone lined up after they break up. Where do all these options come from!? I have been alone for a year and can't find a woman to save my life! I just don't get it, or anything. I doubt that joining a club or hobby is going to bring me a circle of new friends and/or a woman.

 

Fact is that life simply sux.

[bulletproof]

Wow, reading what you just wrote was like reading my own words from a few years back. I am not a big therapy person either way, but I have spent my time with a few therapists, and one thing sticks with me to this day: one of my therapists very mildly pointed out that perhaps what I call 'realism' is actually negativity. And she was absolutely right.

 

What is wrong right now is not your life, exactly, but how you perceive your life and how far you're willing to put yourself out there to change it. I have heard countless people say how hard it is to make friends after high school/college. Yet every friend I have now I made in my late 20's, early 30's. Most of them I made through work, so while it is true that the term 'work friend' exists, the work friend becomes more if you allow it to.

 

I have also met friends through classes, but I think the key point that needs to be made here is that you have to have a sincere interest in the activity to begin with. Going through the motions just to make some connections probably isn't going to work.

 

You point out several times in your post that it isn't easy to do things, and there comes a point that you have to give up. Well, unfortunately, nothing worth having will come easy. There is a lot of work involved in building a life.

 

My suggestion to you is to really think about what it is you want your life to be. Think of people you envy and what it is about them that you would like to have for yourself. Forget the mindset that something, 'will never work, anyway' because it's getting you nowhere fast. It sounds like you are terrified of being disappointed on some level, so why bother trying.

 

I am thirty-five, have been where you are right now emotionally, and am still there from time to time. But I have figured a few things out, at the very least. One is that anything is possible, pretty much, and life can change (for the better or worse) in the space of a moment. Two things that run through my mind at all times:

 

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

What I'm calling realistic is actually negativity.

 

I hope this helps a little bit.

[Beec]

I doubt that joining a club or hobby is going to bring me a circle of new friends and/or a woman.

 

With that attitude it won't. Honey attracts more bees than vinegar, and that attitude is vinegar. However, a little success could help improve it.

 

Before trying, and more importantly, just trying things like clubs and hobbies is not the only answer. People will want to see you more when you make them feel good, without asking much from them. You should also learn how to work on the skills that will make them want to be near you.

 

Maybe it's because I'm cynical. I mean, how many people successfully make actual *friends* through things like joining a hiking club or a cooking or photography class?

 

I have. I have met some very good friends by joining a club. I also made good friends by joining a beach house. Those two things created a pretty social life by themselves for a few years. Both lead to longlasting, good friendships.

 

And how many people actually find significant others this way?

 

Well, I have an ex I met because of joining a club and my current relationship only exists because of the beach house I joined for one year in 1997. I made friends, got invited to a second beach house in 2004, by someone who had been in the first house, and met the woman who became my wife.

 

Even at work, work friendships are different from personal friendships.

 

Yes, they are, but what happens when you move to a new job? A former colleague and myself attended each other's weddings this year. So work friendships can become more.

 

But sketching goals on one side of a piece of paper, then steps to take to get there...I just see it as cheesy and ridiculous. Does anyone know what I mean? I am a cynical (I would also say realistic) person about things.

 

No, I don't. I once thought all self helps books were for losers. They're not. They are for people who might be losing and want to learn to win. You can learn through someone's else experiences or your own, or not learn at all. Take your choice.

 

I am going to do these things just because I have no other choice. The one thing no one ever talks about is what do you do when you try things a few times and things aren't working out? Doesn't work? When do you give up and say what's the use? They always say just don't give up you have to keep trying. Really?

 

Yes, really. But you also need to look at what happened, analyze it, and figure out what went right and wrong and why, and learn to improve. Insisting on repeating something that continues to fail is also stupid. Learn from your failures AND try, try again.

 

I gave up on online dating (even though it's worked for me before) because I tried three separate times in the last year and got nothing but no responses and a damaged ego.

 

I had some decent relationships on-line dating. Maybe, once again, you need to change your approach.

[WorkNProgress]

I couldn't agree with you more. Instead of looking at the negatives of the suggestions, why not alter them to seem more realistic to you. As for moving its all about opportunities.

 

You need to make the most of what you have. If you don't then you will unfortunately be a 37, 38, 39, 40, and so on man in the same place as you are today.

[talo]

I am going to do these things just because I have no other choice. The one thing no one ever talks about is what do you do when you try things a few times and things aren't working out?

 

I have found that when this happens what is required is a change of attitude. For instance, you say you have no choice; you can always choose to do the same things with a different attitude.

 

What really defines 'where we are' is our attitude, our way of looking, our perspective.

[thomask]

I feel what you are saying. Sometimes life does just suck and no self-help book, clever advice, or powerful intention will instantly change that feeling. It feel so impossible sometimes, where to meet a girl. A bar, online, seems so trivial.

 

All I can say is be grateful for what you have. At least you have a few close friends that you can talk to and socialize with. Despite your current company's situation, you seem very smart and you should be proud of earning your MBA.

 

The main thing to realize is things can change in an instant. The new job offer, an amazing woman you meet -- it can all happen in a flash. If you focus on the great things in your life, no matter how few and far between, and keep in your mind that -IT- will eventually happen. Be open to it and live your life personifying that magical possibility. Be adventurous, be brave, change your routine. You might not meet someone in a hiking club, but maybe you'll meet someone while hiking, or on your way to the club, or by going out with a friend from the club and meeting a girl out.

 

Eventually sychronicity will unlock the elusive happiness you seek. Then you'll look back on these moments and be glad you kept trying.

[TheRock]

Thhis is a great post. There was a lot of great advice because I am trying to improve my situation too.

[Chillins99]

for your responses. I appreciate the advice and insights.

 

I realize that I do have things to be grateful for, and in fact I sometimes feel like a spoiled whiney jerk for complaining. I think part of my problem is that I am not tenacious enough. Sure I'll try something one, two or three times, and when everything hasn't fully fallen into place for me by then I quit and say "see it didn't work." So I try, but often not nearly enough.

 

Fact of the matter is that if I want to be in a relationship, I am going to have to work very hard to meet and attract a woman. Not try link removed for a couple of months and then give up because I didn't meet the woman of my dreams. It means going out even if I don't want to, going to parties even if I might not want to, joining clubs and interest groups or classes, approaching women whenever I can even though I don't like doing so (just seems cheesy, not that I am intimdated by women. The thought of approaching a woman at say a grocery store and hitting on her just seems so ridiculous..."excuse me, but how can you tell if a squash is ripe or not? By the way, I'm....." etc.).

 

If I want to get a good new job, it will take more than just sending out my resume to 10 or 20 places and using a single headhunter. I will need to search for many headhunters, send HUNDREDS of resumes out. Then follow up with them all, and then again after that. I common thread for me is that I think I feel that life should be easier than it is, that you shouldn't have to work as hard as you have to for certain things. Like a former shrink told me, I feel like life *should* be this, it *shouldn't* be that hard etc. Guess I will have to work my butt off.

 

For now I am focusing on the good things and mitigating my irritability and anger. Not that I am an angry guy towards others and get pissy all the time, but sometimes small things like bad drivers or common inconsiderate behavior get to me and really stress me out. Changing the way I view life and people so that I am less stressed and happier/calmer is the first step. Hopefully sometime soon I will somehow meet a good woman (still not sure how, I really don't want to join these various things but looks like I have to) and get a new job and off I will be. If not, I will probably turn into a miserable, angry, ultra-bitter man, but at least I will have given it a shot.

 

Thanks everyone, your help is appreciated.