Anyone make excuses for them?

[ImThatGirl]

I'm almost at a loss for words here... Which is completely abnormal for me.

 

Long story short - I've been with my boyfriend for a few months. Everything was great - maybe just the honeymoon phase. Everything seems different now.

 

He writes it off as my insecurities and hyper sensitivity. I have been too. But at this point, I'm not sure I can continue to do that.

 

Usually, if I decide I don't want to be in a relationship, I tell the person. We had a wonderful weekend, a festival at work with my kids Friday and out with friends Saturday evening. But there are little things like me trying to hug him, him saying he's cold - no hugs. A bit bigger thing: My son realizing he had stopped by and wanted to say hi to him. He was crying so I called my bf to tell him my son wanted to see him too. A couple weeks ago this happened and he turned around immediately - this time he said he'd be back in a bit but then said he fell asleep for the evening. He's been less conversational, I think withdrawn and not very enthusiastic when talking to me. There's more things like him not telling me his bday (it's tomorrow,) not following through with original plans Saturday, not coming over last night (he usually stays often.)

 

How the hell do I know if I'm being insecure or if I'm just hoping that it's just insecurity? I really think that he's done and just worried that I won't handle it well. I've tried to talk to him and he says everything is the same and good. I pointed out that he's very different now. I was single for a long time before him - never allowing anyone to meet my kids. I believe(d) in him.. And I don't want to believe that it is falling apart.... I've talked to my friends about every little thing and the looks on their faces are "aawww - ."

[annie24]

hm.... how often has he flaked on you? for me, I get extremely mad if a guy flakes on me for no good reason (ie, work emergency, family emergency). if he says he is going to come over, and then doesn't, and doesn't tell me, that is it. i am done with him. i just feel like i am at least owed a phone call if he isn't going to come over, and if he doesn't do that, he doesn't respect me, so it's done. blah.

 

how many times has he done stuff like this to you?

[NJRon]

Hmm. It's tough when you start seeing signs like this. It is apparent that he is withdrawing. However, who's to say that he is withdrawing because of the relationship?

 

I think the fact that he is writing it off as insecurity or "hypersensitivity" may mean that he feels you may be focusing on this issue as too much of a relationship issue. Have you asked him if everything is ok with "him"... not "us"? Letting him know that you are there to support him?

 

Regardless, 3 months is not very long... it's hard to know what's really going on when you have known someone for so short a time.

[ImThatGirl]

In the beg, we couldn't see each other enough. We started making plans at the beg of the week for the whole week.

 

A week ago, I told my parents we'd help remodel my sisters house. He said he wanted to help; my dad's been doing it alone. He showed up about half hour before we had to get ready to go to his friends.

 

Then Saturday, when I asked him earlier in the week about plans, he said none. Then said a cookout for him with his parents. (I wasn't invited.) Then the cookout got cancelled. Friday he told me to tell my friends we'd go. Saturday, I called to ask if we were going. He said no, let's skip. I then called back and clarified what time they wanted to go and he said we'd go. Didn't hear from him until I called him back at 615 (15 min b4 we needed to leave.) He said he already ate but could we make other plans together.

 

Then yesterday, his stopping by was out of the norm. I really thought he needed to tell me something. We were at my mom's. I made light of it, asking if he just stopped by to be nice or if he needed anything.

 

I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner this Friday. He said "I don't care." "I DON'T CARE." Either make it clear you want to be with me or ... I rephrased and said "would you like to go to dinner Friday." His response, "that's fine."

[ImThatGirl]

NJ - beg of last week, I realized I was worrying too much and talking about my worries too much. All weekend, I was much more relaxed.

 

I have asked him if "he" is okay. I know he has some things on his plate that may be difficult for him.

 

I don't think I'll see him again until Wednesday night or later. I'm not over stressing but do plan to take that time to determine where to go from here.

[NJRon]

There is definitely something going on with him. I think you need to address it in the sense of "What is going on in his life right now." and keep it away from the whole "Relationship" thing. If the relationship is what is causing him stress, then that should come out.

 

I can come up with many issues as to why he could be acting like this, so I won't even begin to speculate. I don't think you should either. It's not about you, it's about him, and he needs to come out with it and communicate. If he can't do that, then there really is little here.

[NJRon]

I think when there is a child involved it complicates matters tremendously, from both side. On one hand, you are hesitant to bring another guy around until you are sure they will be sticking around. On their end, they are faced with the necessity to commit much earlier in the relationship and with greater consequences attached.

[Siriana]

You know what I think. You have a kid, you have responsibilty and you don't need the stress this guy gives you. You deserve much better. This is not the way a guy should treat you. It is not your insecureties, it is him beeing not fair enough, not interested enough and selfish.

He's not into seeing your kid? This is your kid, and some jerk is declining to see him?! Take it as a huge insult. And you were not invited to a dinner with his parents.

I think he wants to bail out but isn't a man enough to brake up with you. If I am wrong, I still think he doesn't deserve you.

[ImThatGirl]

It does complicate things. I invested not only my emotions but also my childrens (son 6, daughter 3.) I knew better. For the first month, we dated without having my children around. Then he decided to stop by (while my kids were home,) and started inviting us to do other family friendly outings. I tried to determine if I could trust him, all kinds of promises made, values put on the table, risks talked about. I knew that those promises couldn't be made so early but for once, I wanted to believe in someone and something. I wanted to make an effort. I think that's why I don't want to let go now.

 

Might I add, before he used to send me an email every morning. Now I'm lucky if he responds when I send him one. (I'm not sending one today.)

 

Part of me keeps thinking, this is nothing to worry about. Then the other part is thinking, get the hint M. Get the hint already.

 

Thank you NJRon and Annie for your time!

[ImThatGirl]

You know what I think. You have a kid, you have responsibilty and you don't need the stress this guy gives you. You deserve much better. This is not the way a guy should treat you. It is not your insecureties, it is him beeing not fair enough, not interested enough and selfish.

He's not into seeing your kid? This is your kid, and some jerk is declining to see him?! Take it as a huge insult. And you were not invited to a dinner with his parents.

I think he wants to bail out but isn't a man enough to brake up with you. If I am wrong, I still think he doesn't deserve you.

 

Syrix - I posted before seeing your post.

 

He usually shows interest. Little things like "not saying goodbye before heading out" and what happened yesterday indicate that he's cutting that attachment. But do guys think of these things?

 

Thank you very much for your kind words. There were signs before of commitment issues and the ability to walk away from others in the past (see my very first thread started at enotalone.) I want to believe in him. I want this to all be insecurities... I'm kinda feeling like: ](*,)

[NJRon]

I think that, regardless of whether he is having issues outside of your relationship or not, that you are right to be cautious with your heart and your children's hearts. I am usually of the mind that what you see is what you get. If this is how he acts when things start happening (whether it is in regards to the relationship or to things external) then I see it as a potential to cause major problems down the road.

 

If you have seen past red flags about commitment issues... and, the fact that he burned really hot in the beginning and then cooled off entirely is a big issue... then I think you had better be prepared to just lay down the law and accept those consequences.

 

You have said that you have engaged him in conversation and he still won't share his feelings. He, instead of trying to open up, deflects the issue back onto *you* (e.g. *your* insecurities). It undermines your trust in yourself.

 

I think you have provided enough information to make a solid decision that is in the best interest of you and your family. Don't feel insecure with your gut feelings...

[ImThatGirl]

I think you have provided enough information to make a solid decision that is in the best interest of you and your family. Don't feel insecure with your gut feelings...

 

Thank you, Ron. I feel terrible about posting about our relationship so often. I didn't feel comfortable talking with family and friends and clogging our conversations about my worries and possibly escalating the anxiety or making them dislike him.

 

Anyway I can link threads, Ron? I just re-read through my thread "his ex is pregnant." Commitment. And I am still sitting here hoping that it's different with me.

 

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT, ADVICE, AND OPINIONS!

[Batya33]

Here is what I think and I hope it is not too duplicative of what the others have said:

 

1. I think that you two (I am not blaming either of you!) moved too quickly into domesticity - meaning, in my humble opinion, you didn't do enough courting where you see each other, in the beginning once or twice a week tops (i.e. the first month or so) and then slowly move into two or three times a week -- it might sound unnatural or going against "but we miss each other and it feels right to see each other almost every day!!" but I think it gives the couple a chance to get to know each other at a reasonable pace, over time. It also means that you don't feel compelled to get your kids involved at lightning speed because kids "don't get dating, they "get" attached."

 

 

He may have "thought" he wanted insta-relationship but all of a sudden he's not only dating you but he's also involved with your kids, helping your family out with projects, etc -- he "should have" known it was too fast but he didn't, and you went along with it and now instead of being clear and saying "woah - let's slow down" he is being passive/aggressive.

 

Of course it can work this way and work smoothly - you meet, are inseparable from day one, it's all good. But often especially with people with commitment issues, in the beginning it's so thrilling and being a couple and all that domestic stuff feels so warm and fuzzy until after the honeymoon period where it might feel like a ball and chain. It is why I believe in keeping things at a slower pace than you did even if the man seems to want to go at lightning speed and seems sincere. He may very well be sincere - but also on cloud nine and not thinking clearly.

 

I do not stand for unreliability in my friends or relationships. I give a certain amount of chances depending on how long I've known the person, what is going on in his/her life, how important the relationship is. In dating - at this stage -my personal standard is about three chances, tops before I either call it quits or close to it.

 

This happened to me about 5 years ago - two months of honeymoon, then one rudely cancelled plan, then another plan that week where he was distant/off putting, then a few days later, drunk in front of his parents when no one else was drinking (new years eve) rude to me, walked out on me and blew me off for a new years day brunch. He was half-apologetic and I was totally done and didn't look back. That's just one example.

 

I agree you can ask what's going on in his life but what I would do is what you are doing - make your own plans, let him do the initiating of all phone calls and plans for now (i.e. as if you're back in the initial courting phase) and keep your kids out of it for now.

 

Finally, people will treat you the way you treat yourself and the way you show you are to be treated from your actions. A cliche but one I often need to remind myself of.

 

It's a blessing that you're seeing this early on because if indeed this is not just a phase at least you didn't invest a lot of time.

 

All the best to you.

[ImThatGirl]

Batya - I always appreciate your sincerity and honesty in your posts. Thank you.

 

I have to say I agree with you. We moved too quickly. And now we're left with wondering how either of us thought it was possible to make such promises and plans for the future.

 

Maybe not such a good thing but I promised myself I would make the efforts to make this work. One thing he told me before was that being standoffish and stubborn will cause troubles...

 

What can I say? I care very deeply for him so I'm really going to be myself and see how the next week goes..... I don't want there to be any room for me to wonder if I caused this or if I walked away from a good person. I don't want to look back and wonder if it would have worked if I could have just been myself.

 

With that said - in the future, now that I've been reminded why I'm so protective of my children, I will not allow anyone to meet my kids nor will I spend very much time with them in the beg stages. From now on, it's "courting" only for months. I don't care how genuine and sincere somebody seems. And that's if, if I decide to date again.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your lessons with people not sticking to plans (small and large plans...) I typically expect more from people so much that I'm called picky and stuck up. Someone told me (in the past few weeks) that it's not all about me. So, I've tried to be more considerate of others.... And alot of what I'm going through is because I have tried to not expect too much or be too demanding.

[Batya33]

I think it's a personal thing about what your standards are for reliability etc - the important thing is that even if you decide to adjust your standards or be flexible because the situation calls for it that when you do that you are true to your self esteem and self respect. Maybe one way to judge that is to say "would I feel comfortable telling my best friend that I decided to see him even though [fill in perceived unreliable behavior.]"

 

I have friends that don't return a call for two months but because we've been friends 20 plus years I cut them slack and for others, blowing me off two times in a row means that I will not see them again unless they re-prove reliability and sometimes - let's say if I was left waiting on a cold street corner for an hour with no explanation - it means that we're not making plans again, ever. But it's individual and personal and your S.O. should be well aware of your personal standards from your behavior which to the extent possible should be consistent.

 

I totally agree with your plan for this week - you will know sooner than later whether he will step up to the plate.

[ImThatGirl]

Day 2 of really trying to be cool with things.

 

I had to drive out of town yesterday and he and I talked for an hour or so on the phone. All small talk really. I talked to him again last night. I asked him to think about our agreement of always communicating and not keeping everything bottled up. He said he talks to me when he needs to and questioned whether I do the same. Then when it was time to hang up, he hesitated before saying "I love you" and wanted me to hang up first (I never do.)

 

I sent him a "happy birthday" email this morning. He got it but didn't respond. He may be coming over tonight but I refuse to ask him, figure he'll tell me and I don't want to seem to anxious. He says everything is fine. Everything points in the directions that nothing is the same as it used to be. Why wouldn't he just tell me if that was the case?

[annie24]

well, sometimes people need to figure out themselves what is going wrong before they discuss it with others. maybe he is trying to put his finger on what his problem is....

[ImThatGirl]

That's what I keep thinking. I'm trying to be patient. I can be patient. I can be patient. I can be patient.

 

And then there's the fear of being played the fool....

[ImThatGirl]

Sent a second email asking "did you make it in okay?" No response. I have delivery confirmation and know he did. I've become pathetic. I used to be the strong one that helped friends walk away from this type of stuff. Now I sit here unable to focus waiting on a lifeline that he hasn't decided to never talk to me again. I hate what I've become.

 

If he really cared, would he skip my phone call and leave two emails unreturned?

[Batya33]

My general rule is, once I ask if everything is ok and am told it is, if the person seems distant I give him at least two times the amount of space he seems to need. I don't play games but I will not send emails, initiate phone calls or ask again if everything is ok - I figure if he wants to tell me he will and until he does I will go about my business and keep him on the periphery or totally off my radar.

[ImThatGirl]

I usually am not a bug a boo. I really am not! LOL I typically would let it be and wait too... like I'm trying to do now.

[ImThatGirl]

I may go get it tomorrow. My daughter is going to go to her dad's a day early from Wednesday til Sunday. My son will be home but he'll let me read. She's 3; he's 6.

 

Did you read that poem with the link?

 

Give me some insight on what the book says! I can't wait til Wed!!