when will i want to leave this crap behind?

[lolobolo]

Wondering about my sanity.

Have been having a relationship for 4 or so years.

The man is not a nice man. He has many different faces to the one that I am in love with.

We have had verbal and physical abuse running through our relationship virtually since the offset, and have both played it down.

Although we have spent a huge effort on destroying each other within a relationship sense , we have both grown remarkably in other areas of our lives, and been supportive of each other.

I had therapy for most of last year to try and understand myself and my reactions a bit more clearly,this was a hugely pos thing for me, and life feels a whole lot sweeter and clearer since.

I goad this man and try and make him want to rectify his past mistakes. I want him to change and clear up all the nasty little bits that hang about inside him.

He is one man for me, and somebody completely different when we are around other people.

He cannot cope with intimacy, and will throw a destructive tantrum when he accidently lets himself go that little bit.

He always seems to seek approval from new friends and tries to impress, when the truth is he is wonderful when he doesnt do that

He refuses to get counselling as he doesnt htink it is worthy, and the truth is the clearer things become for me the more i want to push him into changing, i think i emotionally abuse him in an effort to make him realise thingss(ironically)

Yesterday we were out on a trip with friends, a night which was really good and i made some nice new friends, when an argument began, i pushed it when i knew it was time to back down, and he said i was trying to humiliate him infront of people. he ended up physically attacking me in front of everybody who were by this point sleeping., i couldn't leave as it was the middle of nowhere and nighttime, and he kept being aggressive until i eventually fell asleep. to be woken at the crack of dawn and given my marching orders.

I am bruised and realise that this cannot go on any longer, as that was the worst ever fall-out. i now think everybody present that night must think i am insane, and am too embarressed to even think about seeing them again.

i know i put him on the spot in situations.

I just don't know where to go from here.

I still feel like i want to help him change.

I wan to be able to let go.

we dont live together, and are both independent with strong sets of friends

Is this an abuive relationship, why when everything else in life is doable, and under a certain amount of control am i loving in this way- any thoughts would be most appreciated?

[Rabican]

why buy a busted down, broken, old car and then spend a bunch of time and money fixing it up when you can just go and buy a new one?

 

same thing goes for people to a certain extend. If hes that bad, or you think so much needs fixed, did you ever think that maybe you just are not compatible. I think if you are meant to be together things would just mesh, more or less you shouldnt need to overhaul someone to make them what you want them to be. If HE wants to change... cool. But I wouldnt expect to change someone... maybe get them to drop a habbit or two, stop swearing, stop smoking stuff like that... but to change him into basically a new person.... i dunno hes probably pretty set in his ways by now.

Are you are taking an old muscle car that needs a lot of work, and trying to turn it into a nice 4 wheel drive truck? Or are you taking an old muscle car and just fixing it up a little?

[southerngirl]

Hitting is not love.

 

Humiliation is not love.

 

Abuse is about power and control. You need to end this relationship and you need to do it quickly.

 

Do you and him live together? You deserve so much more than this.

[Rabican]

Oh, stop accepting or taking ANY BLAME when it comes to him being physically abusive towards you. I dont care how badly you frustrate him it should never get to the point where you are being attacked. verbally maybe, not physically. Dont pretend its your fault, he should have enough respect, restraint, and common sense not to raise his hands towards you.

[lolobolo]

I just see the man he could be- oh i know how stupid that sounds I'm not blind to it, but something, some part of me holds onto it.

There are times when he is full of clarity, and we share so many of the same passions, to believe that this is all wasted is scary.

 

I am a mother 9&13 (from previous relationship) and have been largely single during my adult life.

 

This relationship was something for me .

 

We dont live together, we have alway maintained a good ditance domestically, i guess i have never really seen the full of him, maybe his lack of desire to move together i to do with all the crap things?

 

he knows his faults, he sees them in others, why oh why cant i bring him out f denial with me?

[southerngirl]

Oh you need to drop him now. You are exposing your children to this too!

 

You know that what he is doing is wrong, end the relationship!

[Beyondthesea]

Honey, I was in a relationship like that for 7 years. What a waste of time!

 

You are brainwashed into thinking that he will change, I guarantee he will not. He is intentionally abusing you, and you sticking around teaches him that he has every right to treat you that way.

 

link removed Go to "articles" then read "identifying losers in relationships." It's written by a psychologist, a very well informed article. Read it up and down, then plan your escape.

 

There is no changing him, period. You are exposing your children to violence, and one day they will abuse/be abused because of it.

 

There's no point. No matter what you do or do not do, say or do not say, and no way you will be or not be...he will always abuse you. it's who he is. If he wanted help, he would have sought it.

 

it's the sad truth.

[lolobolo]

As lame as it sounds, its all the good stuff i am scared of losing, the thought of us has kept me together through many a fire, and i am frightened to try it alone, i'm sure people think it is me who is the cause of it all, and i am unsure of how to move on from here

[Beyondthesea]

its all the good stuff i am scared of losing

 

He's abusive: he beats you, humiliates you, you have to take orders and change yourself to please him...that's not love, and that's nothing worth staying over.

 

You have to make up your mind to leave, and you REALLY have to be persistent, because it will not be easy. He will stalk you, bother you, follow you, threaten you, etc. You have to be 100% ready to get out and ready to commit to yourself.

 

Life doesn't have to be this way. Why on Earth would anyone think you are the cause of it? Because he has told you so. You are brainwashed. I know it's hard to put your head around, I was there too.

 

My best and true advice: read that article, start bringing yourself up, detach from him and be prepared to walk. You are worth much more than that.

[Hope75]

Hey there,

 

I know where you are coming from. I was engaged to a man who was verbally abusive and who beat me for 5 years. We lived together. When we started out he was wonderful, kind and loving, he treated me like gold. It started slowly, with jealousy and him wanting to know where I was and who I was with, not wanting me to hang out with other guys (even though I had never cheated or given him any reason not to trust me).

 

We would get into these yelling matches and he would call me awful names... The B word, the C word, you name it, I was it. Then one night we were arguing and he swung at me. I was so shocked! I couldn't believe it. Afterwards we both cried and he said how sorry he was and how it would never happen again. For a few weeks we had a 'honeymoon' period... things were great and he was like he was in the beginning. That was what I fell for, every time after that. I remembered what he was like a first, and I just KNEW if I stuck around, that I could help him change and bring him back to who he was before.

 

My friends all started thinking I was nuts, so I gradually withdrew from them. They told me to leave him, but I didn't want to. I wanted to save him. Can I tell you what I learned, after 5 years, and after almost losing my life to this man? I couldn't save him. That was who he was- the beginning was a charade, a lure to get me to fall in love with him. For A YEAR, at first, he was good to me. A whole year. That was a hard image to let go of. BUT... I had to face what he was NOW, and know that I could not change him- we can never change a person- they can only change themselves if they want to... and by not giving on him, I was giving up on myself. My parents were going to bury me.

 

Hon, you have 2 small children, and that scares me even more. You are posting here, because you know it's wrong, and you know it's dangerous. Someone who hits you and verbally abuses you does not love you. No matter what you do to provoke that person, you do not deserve to be hit or screamed at, EVER. This is not your fault.

 

Having said that, you need to get away from this man. The dynamic of the relationship is not going to change. He has hit and abused you, and you have stayed, showing him that you accept this type of behavior. That it's OK to do this to you. It's not. What kind of examples are you setting for your children?

 

I thank God every day that I woke up and got away from my ex, with barely my life intact. I had to start from rock bottom and work my way up. It was really hard, but I did it, and today I am in college for the second time, months away from a promising career, I am with a wondeful man who treats me like a queen, I am happy, I am thriving, I am loved and respected, but most of all, I AM SAFE.

 

This isn't just about you. Show your children, if you cannot yet show yourself, that you deserve more than a man who treats you this way. Show your children that it's NOT OK to hit another person. Do you have a daughter? What would tell her, if she were in your shoes?

 

Now, why do YOU deserve any less??

[rmpavlock]

Don't blame yourself for his abuse! There is NO excuse to treat another human being like that. Please don't be afraid of what he thinks because people like that are unhappy, and it's impossible to MAKE them happy. It seems like nothing you do works and that's because nothing does work. He's the one who has to make himself happy, not you. You seem to be doing all of the work. If he sees no reason to change himself then you need to make a decision for YOURself. Stay in an unhappy situation or get out?

[candy604]

i heard of a true story where this husband used to abuse his wife. The preacher told the wife to take a frying pan and hit the husband really hard while he was asleep during the night. So now he doens't know when he'll be hit if he hits his wife. Case closed. no more hitting.

 

Maybe you should try that, apparently it worked from what i've heard.

[candy604]

yeah again abusive people trying to take control of those who'd gladly follow.

 

abuse is wrong, no love at all. it's a lie if they say they love you.

[yeawutever]

Yea, try that, it's call giving your abuser a taste of their own medicine.

[yeawutever]

If they want to treat you like crap, then they shoudlbe treated like crap in return. As for me, I first retaliate and then break up.

[lolobolo]

i get what you are saying, thankfully we dont live together and i have never hit him with a frying pan.

I have given a good as i have got though, unfortunatley the viking in me seems to go ok with that.

I dont feel like the victim here, i feel like the one who says its ok.

I'm not sure why, i do know all this nonsense is stopping me reaching where i want to be with someone.

I am so humiliated about the weekend, nobody acted like it was happening, i do feel as if people regard me as the problem.

This is what is worrying me the most.

If it is me then has all the growth on my part been fake?

As i said, i have a pretty smart mouth sometimes, and wonder if i do push him to violence.

he did it openly, infront of people we have known for years, and has done before when challenged over anything- this time it happened to be money.

and a relevant part of the converation.

How is it this guy can have everybody loving his face, and excusing his obvious issues (oops that includes me)

I have woken up today and come on here to read the advice, it really helps having somebody to bounce all this off, holding it together- but feel like my reality is splitting up the middle, worried that i may have to accept that i m the one with the problems

[Hope75]

i get what you are saying, thankfully we dont live together and i have never hit him with a frying pan.

 

Why not?

 

Because you know that no matter how much he provokes you, that hitting someone is not acceptable behaviour? Think about this for a few minutes, long and hard. What answer do you come up with?

 

Now, Why is it ok that he does it to you?

 

You know, there's a hint of truth to what you say. At this point- you KNOW it's wrong, you KNOW it shows he does not love or respect you, that he humiliated you in public and he abuses you. And yet, you stay. You now have a responsibilty to yourself and your children, to get away from a dangerous situation. I wonder if you blame yourself because doing so makes it easier for you to justify staying with him.... because then it seems like you deserve it. That kind of thinking is wrong.

I am going to tell you again that no matter WHAT you do to provoke him, it's NEVER Ok to hit someone. And, following YOUR logic, if your relationship is the type of relationship where you argue often enough and angrily enough that you actually THINK you are justifying him hitting you, then it is a relationship that you need to get out of.

 

Please girl, don't sit here and try to think of reasons why he does this. It isn't for you to analyze or save him, you can't. The one person you can save it you. Don't make your children bury you. Imagine them without a mother because of your logic right now. Think about your funeral, them crying and alone.... it's a tough image, isn't it? You can prevent it.

[lolobolo]

thank you, these thoughts are helping to clear my head upx

[lolobolo]

theree is a definate thinking though if we are speak up for ourselves- maybe too much- that we need to take what that brings- well i felt that the other night- although it goes against the grain of everybring i believe in. i almost felt that people were sorry for him having to lose hi temper like that? this is the niggle that keeps me quetioning- i dont have any family to talk about this to so i appreciate the wisdom of those who have dealt with this devil and can tell me it like it is

thanks againx

[Beyondthesea]

Like it is: He will not change.

You cannot make someone do anything, his action is a choice.

You choose not to abuse him right? Why doesn't he do the same?

 

You are worth so much more, and I've been there too.

 

Big hugs.

[Hope75]

theree is a definate thinking though if we are speak up for ourselves- maybe too much- that we need to take what that brings- well i felt that the other night- although it goes against the grain of everybring i believe in. i almost felt that people were sorry for him having to lose hi temper like that? this is the niggle that keeps me quetioning- i dont have any family to talk about this to so i appreciate the wisdom of those who have dealt with this devil and can tell me it like it is

thanks againx

 

So you think that because you speak up for yourself that you deserve to get beaten?

 

Do you honestly believe that?

 

Why are you posting here if you don't see anything wrong with what's happening in your relationship?

 

Couples should be able to advocate for themselves for and for each other without violence resulting. I'm not sure where you got the idea that this is something normal and something you deserve.](*,)

[DN]

Hope has been were you are - it is really worthwhile listening to what she says. It might be a good idea to ask her to help you by private message. She has a good understanding of what you are going through and how to deal with it.

[yeawutever]

Why not?

Because you know that no matter how much he provokes you, that hitting someone is not acceptable behaviour? Think about this for a few minutes, long and hard. What answer do you come up with

 

Yes hitting someone is not acceptable, but if I were to get hit first, I would have the rights to retaliate before breaking up. That's just me.

[lolobolo]

i'm not sure htting back in my situ would have achieved anything.

i no pushover, but i am so disgusted at the time that encouraging a full on fight is the last thing on my mind

[yeawutever]

Yea I get ya, most people agree on leaving as in moving on. But for me, I'll go right below where it hurts the most or on the temple.