I'm dating two men........

[FortunateOne]

I think this is an issue of self respect than more of which guy to keep. This is why sex should not be intruduced into a relationship until there is a major commitment (ie: engagement or marriage). You seem to be uncomfortable with being alone since you met up with guy #2 so quickly after guy #1. This is why the deep soul searching need to be taken alone. To eliminate any outside influences that will confuse the issue more. I'd say to leave both guys and commit to the best and most important relationship you can have, yourself.

[hosswhispra]

I think this is an issue of self respect than more of which guy to keep. This is why sex should not be intruduced into a relationship until there is a major commitment (ie: engagement or marriage). You seem to be uncomfortable with being alone since you met up with guy #2 so quickly after guy #1. This is why the deep soul searching need to be taken alone. To eliminate any outside influences that will confuse the issue more. I'd say to leave both guys and commit to the best and most important relationship you can have, yourself.

 

I think MoneyGod hit the nail on the head. I agree 100%.

[candy604]

what type of person are you? personally i'd go with someone that shares a similar interest or likes as me.

[pooh-bare]

I think this is an issue of self respect than more of which guy to keep. This is why sex should not be intruduced into a relationship until there is a major commitment (ie: engagement or marriage). You seem to be uncomfortable with being alone since you met up with guy #2 so quickly after guy #1. This is why the deep soul searching need to be taken alone. To eliminate any outside influences that will confuse the issue more. I'd say to leave both guys and commit to the best and most important relationship you can have, yourself.

I have plenty of self respect. As for the sex part, well, that's a nice thought but I think a bit un-realistic.....I've been committed to me all of my life. I have both feet planted firmly on the ground, a home, a career with a 6 fig income, the best family ever. The only thing that's missing is the man I will spend the rest of my life with.......I was alone for years and wasn't looking............Now there's 2............still confused........

[hosswhispra]

I have plenty of self respect. As for the sex part, well, that's a nice thought but I think a bit un-realistic.....I've been committed to me all of my life. I have both feet planted firmly on the ground, a home, a career with a 6 fig income, the best family ever. The only thing that's missing is the man I will spend the rest of my life with.......I was alone for years and wasn't looking............Now there's 2............still confused........

 

Self respect is putting you and your needs first. Are you honestly doing that right now?

 

You want things that you're not getting right?

 

You're giving 100% and these men aren't.

 

Most women in general equate sex with love and commitment. These men that you're dating don't. Otherwise, if they did, they would be giving you 100%, like you are giving to them.

 

Please think about all of this. Don't ever feel bad for having wants and desires. I think that what you want is very natural and feasible with the right person. Don't ever settle for less. Life is too short and you should not have to sell yourself short.

 

Wishing you happiness,

hosswhispra

[pooh-bare]

I have been putting my needs first, apparently, since I'm seeing them both! Combined, they are the perfect man! I don't feel bad over my own desires, never have. Think that's where my dilema comes into play. They both have things that are the complete opposite of each other that attracts me. As stated already, combined they are the perfect man......... Who said it? "women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex"

[AdriSnow]

Thats pretty neat. We normally get played for other women. I give a thumbs up . For changing the cycle

[pooh-bare]

Thats pretty neat. We normally get played for other women. I give a thumbs up . For changing the cycle

Yep. That's why I'm having such difficulty with this. It's not "normal" !

[Batya33]

My two cents - given STDs (even with using a condom they can happen) it is unfair of you to subject each of them to those by lying to them. My guess is you cannot decide because you cannot be yourself with either of them because of the sneaking around. I also have an issue with you referring to being "in love' with either of them. You love certain things about them - specifically, the things they can do for you -- if you really loved either of them you would not be cheating on them.

 

I hope between the three of you you choose yourself in the sense that you choose to be the kind of "hard to find" person you say each of them is and be a person of character and integrity when it comes to relationships.

[pooh-bare]

STD's are not an issue, trust me! ........ As for the rest, you have a very good observation. Believe it or not, I am (usually) a woman of high integrity and morals, so I find that I am shocked at myself over all of this. It has been cunning and baffling to say the least........I'm in deep and don't know how to get out, nor do I know if I want to get out........"in love" probably not, but I do care for them both. as for the "things they do for me" absolutely I love it all as this is my first experience with this, I'm usually the one who "does the doing" in relationships.........selfish? absolutely!....... If I were replying to this thread instead of writing it, I'd shoot the originator down in a heartbeat!

[annie24]

how do you know they don't have other women on the side also?

[Batya33]

STD's are not an issue, trust me! ........ As for the rest, you have a very good observation. Believe it or not, I am (usually) a woman of high integrity and morals, so I find that I am shocked at myself over all of this. It has been cunning and baffling to say the least........I'm in deep and don't know how to get out, nor do I know if I want to get out........"in love" probably not, but I do care for them both. as for the "things they do for me" absolutely I love it all as this is my first experience with this, I'm usually the one who "does the doing" in relationships.........selfish? absolutely!....... If I were replying to this thread instead of writing it, I'd shoot the originator down in a heartbeat!

 

Of course STDs are an issue! Each of your men is sleeping with you and whoever else the other man has slept with or is sleeping with (and since they don't know about each other you can't assume you know about who else each of them is sleeping with). At least (please!) stop having sex with one of them and advise the other to get tested and then tested again in 6 months from then (make up a story if you need to). I am glad you realize the selfishness here but I am not sure how the way you were treated earlier justifies you hurting others. They are giving to you under the assumption that they are not sharing you - how is it that you feel ok accepting what they are giving? Are they being punished for the way other men treated you?

[pooh-bare]

Neither of them is sleeping with anyone else. This I KNOW FOR A FACT.....I suppose they could be being "punished" but not conscientiously....... I didn't say it was "ok" I said I like it. Difference... I know the difference between right and wrong. I really do. That's why I can't believe I'm in this situation! ....... Am I so desperate to be loved?

[annie24]

maybe they think they know as a fact that you aren't seeing anyone else either?

 

I'm not trying to be judgemental, but open and honest communication doesn't appear to be happening in either relationship.

[pooh-bare]

maybe they think they know as a fact that you aren't seeing anyone else either?

 

I'm not trying to be judgemental, but open and honest communication doesn't appear to be happening in either relationship.

I'm sure they do......Judge away. That's why I'm here, to get a grip on all of this.

[annie24]

no, really, we aren't here to judge.

 

you say that together, they are 100% the perfect man, but that just says to me that one guy only has 50% of the man you want, and the other has 50% of what you want. it doesn't sound like either relationship is really right for you.

 

Now, I am all for dating others until a committment has been made, but don't you think this has gone on for too long?

 

what do YOU want for your life? where do you want to be 5 months or 5 years from now? then take the steps that will get you there.

[pooh-bare]

I think I'm feeling Old. And I'm afraid of being alone the rest of my life.....If I don't chose one of these men, then there's a HUGE possibility I'll die alone! Crazy? Sure! But my feelings at this moment are real.

[annie24]

but wait.... one man said that he loves you, but not in the "forever" kind of way, and the other one just *finally* introduced you to his family, after dating for 3.5 years.

 

it doesn't seem like you have a future with either of them.

 

why do you think this is your last shot? you are still young, you can find someone who is a good match for you. don't settle.

[pooh-bare]

 

it doesn't seem like you have a future with either of them.

 

It doesn't, does it?! I guess I feel if I "pick one" then things will change.

[Batya33]

Neither of them is sleeping with anyone else. This I KNOW FOR A FACT.....I suppose they could be being "punished" but not conscientiously....... I didn't say it was "ok" I said I like it. Difference... I know the difference between right and wrong. I really do. That's why I can't believe I'm in this situation! ....... Am I so desperate to be loved?

 

OK if you say so - my guess is they would say the same about you, and be dead wrong - so what makes you so sure? I am 40, also and yes of course my age is a factor in determining if a relationship is right for me - on the other hand I think it is far better to be on my own then to be in an unfulfilling relationship - and that mindset helps me have a healthy perspective in choosing whether to continue with a relationship. If I were in your shoes I would feel lonelier than if I were on my own and feeling lonely because the emotional distance I would have to keep because of the deception would lend itself to a sort of empty feeling and/or loneliness. But that's just me.

[FortunateOne]

Neither of them is sleeping with anyone else. This I KNOW FOR A FACT.....I suppose they could be being "punished" but not conscientiously....... I didn't say it was "ok" I said I like it. Difference... I know the difference between right and wrong. I really do. That's why I can't believe I'm in this situation! ....... Am I so desperate to be loved?

 

 

Wow! After an answer like this you still say there is no self respect issue. You know it's wrong, yet you like it? You can't believe your in a situation like this, yet you're desperate to be loved? You claim to have self respect because you have your materialistic needs of feet planted firmly on the ground, a home, a career with a 6 fig income, the best family ever in place, but you still NEED a man? What's wrong with this picture? Hmm!

 

This is why you need to reassess your life with some major soul searching to heal that part of you that thinks you NEED a man. You want to find the love of your life? We all do, women and men. It's how you approach it that's the answer to this question and that will give you the true love of your life.

 

My suggestion is to do what I did many moons ago and go single for two years while you relearned to be comfortable alone and mentally heal. Since then I only pursue emotionally healthy women, but for those types of women to go out with me they also only want emotionally healthy men.

 

For this change to happen one needs to commit and give up controlling needs to a moral faith which enforcess good character traits. This is the answer, give up the desperate controling need to get a man. As a emotionally heslthy man I don't find this needyness attractive at all. thereforeeee, take the time to heal and a good quality man will come when you least expect it.

 

It's strange that since I healed myself I get approached by four times more women than when I was hurt. It's like a magnet to women to be emotionally healthy and stable. This is what in my opinion is the best answer. You can do it and good luck.

 

Remember I say this because I care.

[pooh-bare]

Wow! After an answer like this you still say there is no self respect issue. You know it's wrong, yet you like it? You can't believe your in a situation like this, yet you're desperate to be loved? You claim to have self respect because you have your materialistic needs of feet planted firmly on the ground, a home, a career with a 6 fig income, the best family ever in place, but you still NEED a man? What's wrong with this picture? Hmm!

 

.

/wow! Talk about judging! .......I never said I didn't have a self respect issuse and I never said I had self respect b/c of "materalistic needs, feet planted, career" etc........you took that one out of context I believe. My reason for mentioning those things at all was to show that I'm not on welfare and looking for a man to take care of me! ...........However you do make a very valid point........The problem with your point is I took time off, and a lot more than just 2 yrs, I also have been working a 12 Step program for 5 yrs now. My point, I'm human, I have needs that have not been met for a long time and I've found myself in a dilema that I'm not sure how exactly happened, nor am I sure that I like anymore..........I believe the god of my understanding is testing me........

[Rabican]

All I can say is that if you are willingly decieving two men whom you claim to love... then you are not ready for marriage. Marriage is about commitment, love, trust, respect, honesty, all of these are things you are NOT displaying in your current situation. I think if either of these guys were THE ONE you would just know, and could pick easily. The fact that you can look one of them or both in the eyes and lie about where you are gonna be tonight... uh not good, that.

 

Even if they have not really wanted to commit, id guess they would assume they are the only man you are seeing. If you ever want to take the next step with either of them you might want to clear up this little 'misunderstanding' before that step.

[pooh-bare]

All I can say is that if you are willingly decieving two men whom you claim to love... then you are not ready for marriage. Marriage is about commitment, love, trust, respect, honesty, all of these are things you are NOT displaying in your current situation. I think if either of these guys were THE ONE you would just know, and could pick easily. The fact that you can look one of them or both in the eyes and lie about where you are gonna be tonight... uh not good, that.

 

Even if they have not really wanted to commit, id guess they would assume they are the only man you are seeing. If you ever want to take the next step with either of them you might want to clear up this little 'misunderstanding' before that step.

Now that's the best advice I've heard as of yet...........Thank you, Rabican

[pooh-bare]

I've just told them both, I can no longer see either of them..........Guy 2 is ok with that........Guy 1 is NOT.