Ignoring your ex, does it really help the healing process?

[wildworld]

This is my first post here but i really need lots of help. Basically, I just had a break up from a 3 year relationship and like most people I loved the girl very much. We spent almost every single day together because either i would be staying over at her place or vice versa. well, to cut a long story short I started taking her for granted, insulting and belittling her. Each time she would be unhappy but ultimately she would give in. I made a big mistake of thinking everything is all right.

I was into my final year of studies and had this thesis to do. upon completion, I had some minor complications and confided in her. She seemed disinterested. i sensed something was wrong and she said she didnt want to try anymore. I flew into a rage because i felt that she lost her feelings because i had not spent enough time with her not realising that it was actually me taking her for granted and venting my frustrations that was the root of the problems.

Again to cut the story short this sparked 4-5 months of quarrels after the break up. On the one hand, she was considering getting back together but often placed a cold and distant front (she later admitted.) I on the other hand was angry as it seemed that only I was trying to patch things up. I often lost my cool and basically flew into a rage and pushed her further. so after about 5 months i realised that she had met this guy who she confided to and basically acted like the mister nice guy which i was apparently not. She said that I was more her type (entertaining) but he was the caring and nice guy she always wanted in a bf. Basically, i just lost it and that lead to scenes of ugly confrontation. Subsequently, we arent on talking terms now. She still occasionally replies to me but thats about it.

Everyday i reflect upon this whole incident and i cannot find anybody else to blame but myself. (objectively) i read some of the emails i sent and messages and they were outright nasty and outragous. I hate myself for doing all this. She couldnt understand why if i loved her i could do what i did to hurt her. i guess love can trigger many other emotions like rage and jealousy. But above all, I pray and ask for her forgiveness. Mind u I KNOW ITS OVER AND I DO NOT EXPECT HER BACK. I am filled with remorse and guilt that i cannot shake off no matter how hard i try.

That leads to my question, of course having read so many posts most people would say the best solution is to ignore her and not contact her. I tried that but it does not seem to help. In fact, I would feel a whole lot better when she does send me an email, cos i feel that she might be trying to forgive me and she still cares a little. Now this email does not give me any false hopes mind u, but it does make me feel better as i do not want to be her enemy. My mom has even called her several times to tell her not to talk to me if i do try to reach her. To me i just feel that everybody thinks they know whats best for me. But basically there are 2 scenerios. 1) Get ignored and feel like u didnt mean a thing to her over the 3 years. 2) keep the communication channels open and gain her forgiveness. What doesnt make sense is what's with all the hoohar of hope of getting back with the ex? My rationale is if that keeps u SANE why not? the only problem is, if because of that hope u CLOSE your eyes to everyone else and refuse to move on when the opportunity beckons. Now that's a problem. Any advice?

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Wildworld

 

Well since your lashing yourself, i wont have to castigate you with harsh words, LOL

 

Keeping minimum contact (preferably zero) is the best way to heal from that whole painfull ordeal.

 

Of course it feels good when they call you, after my breakup id secretly pray for a call from her, even though i knew it was over.

 

The healing process is hard to go through, and every new contact starts you at zero again it seems.

 

another mistake people make is getting into a new relationship (rebound) right away, also in the attempt to avoid the healing period. it doesnt solve the real problem.

 

Its good that you know what your mistakes are, learn from them, we have all made some and will again, but if we have learned anything we wont commit the same ones twice.

 

Your Ex will forgive you eventually, thats part of her healing, so the only purpose of you wanting to hear it from her is to feel better about what you have put her through. yeah you like it, of course.

 

So look forward, put away all her pictures, things that remind you of her, all those messages and letters that you sent her etc. put them away in a box.

 

If you havent already, tell her your sorry, and that you deserved what happened to you, and that you wish her happiness, but that you need time alone now to heal, and start over, that you wont be contacting her for a long while.

 

thats it.....

[couture]

I'm going to go against what everyone else is saying my ex ignored me when i saw him out and it hurt so much! I'd still keep the communication channels open but just cut it down so it isn't as much!

[Tolly]

Avoiding all contact is the best way. I have tried both and found that ignoring her helped me to heal and move on. Both parties may still want to be friends, and that may be possible in time, just not now. Especially with a new man on the scene.

[wildworld]

Thanks a lot for the replies. I dont know if i am particularly susceptible to messaging her thru the cellphone but I cant seem to stop. Man, I got to stop doing this. Any suggestions? erm of cos the most common suggestion would be to erase the number...but unless i suffer some sever brain damage in the near future that aint going to work now is it....obviously I got the number down by heart. Well she said that its impossible for us to be JUST friends, which i guess is true...guess feelings can never totally fade forever, but if u realise that u cant be lovers either, then whats the big problem anyway? Wouldnt that lead to the next alternative which is very good friends which is what i want? maybe not now but in the future? makes sense, no?

[reborn]

Love your ename!

It is indeed a wild, wild world specially in heartbreak experiences. I agree with you that most people in this site support the no contact completely move on advice. Like you I also struggle with the idea and have similar feeling about it as if I someone I loved was comatosed living on machines. Should I cutt off the machines (the contact) is my dilema? if I do wouldn´t I kill all chances of it ever reviving again? Sometimes relationship such as people revive after a while through contact and friendship. Sometimes not. But cutting contact completely is like killing it. However, why keep something that is at least dead for one of the people involved alive. It is a catch 22.

Though I do believe that the no contact rule contributes to healing, and to healthier behaviour from some people under painful and seemingly hopeless circumstances, I don´t believe in black and white advice applying to everybody. I think all cases are different and all people have different issues. If some would have applied that maxim they would have probably not reunited with their ex. And you can read about people in this site that DO eventually go back, but I noticed that in most if not all of this cases they have kept the door of comunication open with their ex. Or at least have not told the ex, never contact me again until I contact you. It seemed that though they were going through the devastating pain, and moving on best they just went with the flow. And I do believe if you do love somebody why act in this unatural way? I do believe in some cases it does cut the chances. Life is very strange you know, sometimes people say one thing and then circumstances or their mind change. Or sometimes what they need is to relax and be able observe a change in your behaviour from your actions in natural settings to be motivated to be in a relationship with you agian. How are you going to do that if you tell your ex don´t ever contact me again, until I contact you. Maybe one day they want to meet up chat and something nice could come out of it, maybe not. But if you tell them don´t contact me, they probably would not bring the nerve up to call you.

Of course it is not easy to handle. Yet for someone whos in love with a person and feel they have genuingly changed and would like the opportunity to be with them again the uncomfortableness might be worth it. that may involved lots of time and strength, but´love is a strong a motivator as it gets. Of course you should not spend your whole life pining away for someone. But withing a resonable time frame, why not.

 

My bf and I broke up 2x before the 3rd and last one. Had I imposed the no contact rule I don´t think we would have reunited previously. The last time has been different though. He did impose the no contact for 2 months and then has made it clear to me he doesn´t love me romantically and does not want to continue. He moved to back home 3 hours away and I hightly doubt we will be in the same city again. And 4 months have passed already and nothing. So in my particular case and at this point I believe no contact might be a better option for me, as my ex seems to have moved on, yet casually contacts me to catch up as aquances. I still have feelings for him.

 

In your case you can´t seem to shake off this guilt you feel. It must be like a torture to you. I would recomend you do some reading about guilt and remorse on psycological or couples therapist sites on the net this may give you good tools. Because this is just my opion but I think it you should work it out withing yourself first, if you do feel you need to make amends to her, by all means do so. If you feel you need to see her in person to make those amends, by all means do not let some ready made, generalized advice stop you. Everyone can give you advice here and in the real world, yet ultimately it is YOUR life and only you get to live with the emotional concequences of the decision. Follow your intuition. Be true to yourself, to your heart. You will know the right thing to do when you feel in complete peace about it.

Best of luck to you Wild.

-Reborn

[reborn]

As if my posting wasn´t long enough, forgot to add one thing. Do what feels right to you. That may be making amends to her and if you or expressing that you understand that you understand 200% that you have no romantic possibilites yet she is an important person in your life and you would like to keep contact and friendship.No expectations.

But do this because it feels right to you, yet remember that we cannot control anyone else. We cannot make them love us, even if they once did, painful as it is. We cannot force anyone to be our friend either.

Calm down. See your true intentions for wanting to remain her friend, maybe it is this guilt. Maybe if you work with that specific feeling you will see that maybe you just need to make amends and are not so anxious about being her friend or not. Good luck.

[wildworld]

yeah I know even friendship cant be forced. the thing is i got into some major trouble as a consequence of my depression. i was desperate so i called my friend to ask her to call me back. She did. She sounded a little aggitated but who could blame her. i just told her that i did something stupid and was because i was exteremly depressed over what i have done and because she was ignoring me. She took it as though i was blaming her. Anyway throughout the next few days she gave me some support throughout my ordeal. i went overseas for a short holiday and she replied to me thru msn. She seemed pretty concerned and told me to email her and she would reply. i felt really happy cos i thought she had forgiven me. i thought the ordeal was worth it after all at least she started talking to me. however, when i got back i guess i blew it growing a little too dependant on her. Since then she refuses to reply to me saying that its not that she doesnt care but didnt want me to be too emotional dependant on her. Now i really dont know what i can do to redeem myself? How do i get her to understand? As i said my mum calling her to tell her not to reply to me doesnt help. im at a loss...whats the best course of action? To give her time and not contact her? i just worried that that wont help. Please help.

[wildworld]

I just had something to drink to ease the pain. anyway, i got this to add....Its like i menationed that she mentioned that she is attached now. But somehow initially i didnt believe her. i thought she was just telling me this so that i would give her space. Ok heres the scoop. u guys tell me what u think. i was being my usualy persitant self and one day halfway through a conversation she tells me that she is attached to another guy. So i asked her when she got attached and she seemed rather hesitant. she said last saturday. i called her that day and she said she was with her female frens. then he said he was there too. oh well then i asked her what date u got attached, she said she didnt know. i always thought girls were pretty sensitive about such dates. She actually sounded me out about this guy before and she showed me his photo. I said why would u want to be with him (cos he was a little plump) and he said she was joking and that it wasnt him and she just wanted to see my reaction. well a few days later, I insisted she got him to call me.....and a guy did call and i lost it. that was the beginning of the the end cos i went to her home to confront her. there was a guy but yet they didnt seem to close like when they sat down they were a little distance apart. In the end the father even gave me a slap and a kick. Pretty dramatic stuff huh. well, in retrospect i dont know if i am in denial. did "he" really exist? that aside a couple of days back i actually sent a cellphone message to apologise to her dada for creating a scene at her house. but instead of scolding me he said if u really love my daughter u should talk to her. he further added that he would talk to her. he adviced that maybe i should leave her alone now but "make my presense felt". now I mean if she was attached would he be advising me on what to do? After literally assualting me. What do u guys think? thanks for your time.

[Gilgamesh]

I still stick with my original advice, she is going through all this trouble to keep you away, and if its mind games shes playing then she doesnt care about hurting your feelings, either way, taking some time off, is the best way.

 

I never said you should never ever make contact again someday, but after you heal from this you'll be in a better position.

 

1) If she was playing games with you and your emotions, she found out that they dont work, because she lost you, and if she really loves you, will want you back.

 

2) Being healed youll be in better position to forgive her if she decides she wants you back. and not have issues with her, that will interfere with the relationship.

 

3) And if it ends up that she is involved with someone else and doest want you, then you have suffered less and have gotten over her, and on with your life already.

 

I found it interesting that one poster stated, that she was against this advice, because after the breakup with her B/f she wanted him more after he got on with his life and a new girlfriend.

 

Ah yeah!!! exactly

 

Your girl , if she still has feelings for you will want you more, if you stop talking to her and move on with your life, but dont do it for this reason, you truly need to get back on your feet, there is a very good chance she is not playing games, and does not want you anymore.

 

but either way, breaking contact, and not sending her messages everyday is the best bet.

 

In your replys you give the impression that you think she may be making all this stuff up, and may have feelings for you, so how do you think she will react when she sees shes losing you? when she sees her little game is back firing? when she sees that she doest have you wrapped around her fingers and have you back any time she snaps her fingers.

 

Listen I and many others that have given you this same advice is because we have been through all this, I believe that if I had never kept making so many contacts with my Ex and made her feel guilty for what she had done, that we would still be together now, it was the only regrets I have about how I handled the breakup, not giving her time to sort things out was the worst thing I ever did. so instead of being friends, now she hates me, she has to, to justify what she did to me.

 

If I had just let her go, we would have still been friends, and dont you think thats a better position to be in to get back together? but by me telling her over and over how much i loved her, and to give it another chance, and think of the good times, etc etc, same stuff your probably msg your ex about. all that accomplishes is make them defend their decision, and pushes them away, to the point they are angry with you.

 

I know you have hopes, i had them, I know how you feel, I learned the hard way,. If there is ANY chance to get her back, giving it a break is your best bet.

[reborn]

Hi Gilgamesh,

I want to congratulate you on your last posting. I am one of those posters that believes that every case is different and that sometimes the no contact is extreme at times (many times is the only option though, and the healthiest one ofcourse). I don´t endorse contacting the ex all the time either and when you do talking about the breakup. Not at all. What I had in mind is more just going with the flow of things. That if they do contact you you could politely respond this way and not tell them, hey I need to get over you don´t ever contact me again until I contact you. Maybe that is a good idea also, but I just think if you love someone and have hopes of getting back together to keep the friendship door opened. If you feel you cannot deal with it after a while and it is 200% clear that the other person never intends of being with you again, then after a sensible time you will know. This is a tricky situation though, and it does keep one from completely moving on.

In any case. I like to play a bit of devil´s advocate with this topic because they are so different circumstances involving each individual breakup. However, I really like, agree and respect your very well supported and explained reason for no contact. It was a really good posting. Thanks a lot. It makes a very strong case for no contact.

 

-Reborn

[wildworld]

actually, the thing is the mind games probably werent intended to make me feel jealous. more like to ward off my strong advances. Ermm see i kind of already made her them pissed off with me due to my threats and insults throughout the break up to an extent that i dont think she will forgive me anytimes oon. Sigh so actually my intention is to somehow get her forgiveness first.

Seems a little bit like mission impossible. Today she messaged me saying that the electricity in her house got cut off. (due to financial problems)I said that Im sorry and i didnt know. Then she said i was a self centered b****d. hey how am i supposed to know cos she doesnt tell me anything anymore? ha guess i have hurt her too much probably should let her cool down. The only doubt i Have is should i even show some concern about her plight? occasionally?

[dragomirescu]

Hey man, I trully know what you are feeling.

I've recently broke up with my girlfiend in preety much the same circumstances.

If it will make you feel any better, please read what I did after my break up.

I too was very angry when we broke up, so I lost my temper and said some bad things about her (this was over the phone). Then I sent her some messages with a lot of 'good ' words about her character.

Atfer I started to cool off a bit, I realized that mostly it was my mistake because during our relationship I took her for granted and I think this drove her off. So here I was ....full of guilt and remorse.

 

After a week I went home (we were both attending universities in different cities) and I met her. We had a discussion about what happened and decided to separate on decent terms (although she insisted that all the fault for the relationship was mine).

But you know what??? Even after I appologized in this way it didn't make me feel better. Because somehow I knew that what I did to her will still be there in her heart.

To make matters worse for me, I the wrote her an email in which I appologized for everything and I begged her to get back. Of course it didn't work.

Ok, until now it doesn't sound preety good does it?

But wait, you may think that I got my lesson and that I would stop contacting her. No.

After a few days I couldn't resist and I called her. But on the other line was the voice of another man. He told me to leave her alone, because now he's her new boyfriend and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

Well, imagine how I felt, especially cause later I found out that this new guy had been playing the 'supportive' friend role while we were breaking up.

So, being aware that now there was absolutely no way to get back I sent her a few other sms in which I poured my anger. (the bottom line of those messages was that she was ...so and so .....and she doesn't have any respect for herself).

This was my last contact with her and I swore to GOD that this will be the last. Until now I kept my promise.

Even now I have feelings of guilt and remorse and I feel bad for what I did to her, during and after the break up. But I learnt some important lessons:

1. I MUST forgive myself. This was my first love so I didn't have any experience at all. I hope that with my next love I will not do the same mistakes. But please try to understand that you will NEVER completely forgive yourself if you ask her for forgiveness. It's about YOUR soul, it's about YOUR heart, is's about YOU. Even if she will eventually say that she has forgiven you will always think this was not enough.

2. In this break up scenario, the NO CONTACT RULE IS A MUST. If you neglected and took her for granted (like I did) you chances to get her back are the same as trying to land an F-16 on the Everest. You may wonder why?

Please remember that I don't have a lot of experience, but after reading almost all I could search on the Internet I found some interesting facts.

Probably you've heard about the stages of a break up

Denial, Anger/Resentment , Bargaining ,Depression, Acceptance.

Well, now think of her. She was probably still very much in love with you when you started to take her for granted. You tought everyting was all right but for her it wasn't. She saw that change in attitude, but at first she choosed to ignore it thinking that probably it will pass (Denial). Then, since you didn't do anything to change she started to argue a lot, trying to get you see the problem and change you (Anger, Bargaining to get you back).

When she saw the things aren't going the way she hoped she may have had a period of sadness (Depression).

So now, the tricky part comes in to play.

Finally you break up! But the BIG problem is that you didn't expect it, or even if you did you may have tought that the things will magically work themselves out. Of course they didn't.

So now YOU are starting the cycle of grief that she had started long before. Now, do you see the difference??? If we refer to a MOVE ON SCALE from 1 to 10, you are at no. 1 while she may be at no 8 or 9.

All she can do now is to feel sad about what you had and now is gone and finally go to the Acceptance stage.

But you may be at the Denial or Anger stage, still wondering how can she leave me when she used to love me that much???

That's why men like you and me in this scenario find it hard to accept that women move on so fast and choose to date another guy. In fact they don't move on that fast, because they have started the process long before you were aware of it.

I know it's not easy, but all you have to do now is to LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

Sooner or later you will find someone else and If you didn't learn anything from your previous relation you will end up doing the same thing: first, loving her like a crazy, than getting accustomed to the feeling, taking her for granted, neglecting her, and finally breaking up. So here you are again in the same SITUATION!

Another mistake: DON'T rebound with the first girl that comes along. You are not completely healed and it's a safe bet to say that you'll date a below-average gril. Later you will find that maybe you deserved more that that, you will start to neglect her, taking her for granted ->>> Same SITUATION!

You get the idea?Maybe i sound preety rough but don't think that i'm ok now and I give you this advices from the perspective of a healed man. No, we broke up on 2nd of February this year, and it still hurts like heal.

I still have some moments when I regret what I did, I still feel the urge to contact her, but all I'll end up doing will humiliating myself even more, and still feeling bad about myself.

SO the bottom line is : STOP CONTACTING HER! JUST STOP! She may have moved on with her life and all she sees now is a desperate trying to get her attention! (No offense, these words go for me too, since I broke up the rule so many times).

Please find the strength to go on with you life and avoid her. How do you think she'll react when she hears that you are ok, you have moved on, maybe got a new girlfriend? Success is the BEST revenge, and I try daily to get this ideea in my head.

Also, don't try this approach hoping to get her back. Don't pretend you are ok just for her to hear and that to come back. This may never happen. I repeat it's all about YOU.

Because all you and me are doing now is a WASTE. A waiste of life, time, energy, you name it.... Is like we are blind from the truth. Deep down we know for sure that there is NO CHANCE to get back (and even if it were things will never be the same), but we still act like in the 2nd grade.

I say we STOP!

Do you really think this will be the only girl in your life? I started to think that will not. So what you are going to do about your next love? Repeating the same mistakes? Better not! Learn from them.

Please read also all the other posts from this forum, even if it seems like you don't want since their situation doesn't resembles yours. You may have a lot learn!

Ok, I hope you'll get better, and please keep me up to date with your situation and I'll inform you too. Please excuse my English, I'm not a native speaker.

(By the way, did I tell you that during the first week of the break up I had thoughts of suicide? You see, your not worse that others.... )

KEEP HOPE ALIVE!!