Depressed

[Gracelove]

I don't exactly know where to start.

Things are turning around and are going pretty well, they are getting better, but I still feel pretty sad.

The detective was able to get in contact with the rapist and his accomplice.

Well actually, he got in touch with his accomplice and his accomplice contacted the rapist.

[i'm sorry, but I have issues with calling him "my" rapist]

The rapist called the detective to leave him a message, but didn't leave any contact information (of course).

I'm pissed off the his accomplice wouldn't give any information about the rapist, it means that she is totally not sorry.

She has lost any chance to redeem herself.

Actually, to be honest, she could never redeem herself in my eyes.

At least if she cooperated I'd know that she had a little bit of decency.

But who am I kidding? I already know she doesn't.

So that's where it is right now.

I've been calling the detective but can't reach him right now. I know he's busy on many other cases right now.

I actually don't know how to feel about everything.

I want the accomplice badgered still.

However less and less.

I don't feel as angry towards her as I did.

I guess because she becomes less and less worth it.

At least they know they've been found out, to a certain extent anyways.

I wonder what type of message he left that detective. Was it an angry message???

Hopefully so, then it can be obvious what a monster he is.

Anywho, that doesn't matter. That's what I keep telling myself.

God knows he's a monster, and that's what I have to remember.

I have to have faith.

It calms my anger.

I don't feel as angry as before.

I hear that anger is nothing more than hurt.

And I'm beginning to get a better understanding of that.

Because I am hurt.

I'm really, really hurting.

And it's okay.

It's okay now. I do get upset at the fact that I'm hurting so much.

But it's okay.

I'm able to stomach it to a certain extent.

Then there's the depression and the medication I'm on because of this whole thing.

Sometimes I feel really sad, like life isn't worth the trouble.

And times like that are really bad.

It's not fair for one person to put some else through so much badness just because they want to feel powerful.

There's no way to put into words that this experience has been like.

I don't even like to call it an experience because I feel like.....I don't know...to call "rape" an...well nevermind, it's not important.

I imagine what it would be like to be on a witness stand....

To testify against the rapist.

I mean, how is one suppose to feel?

 

I mean, knowing that the person has a lawyer to defend them, defend what they've done?

The very thought is insulting.

 

The rapist doesn't have to wake up every morning and live with the fact that I've been raped, and all that is entailed.

 

How could someone have the audacity to hire a laywer to protect them from justice and the truth?!

To think that someone would have so little remorse is upsetting and aggrevating.

 

Take your punishment!

I mean, that is what should be screamed in the face of every rapist, "TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT!"

 

I'm sick and tired of being punished for someone else's actions!

Anyways, I'm tired now.

Rapists suck!

LOL, like that's not obvious.

Anywho. Is there anyone else out there going through the same thing?

If so, I'd love to here from you.

 

 

~Grace

[KissMe_KillMe]

Hang in there..

your worth a lot.

[yeawutever]

Yea rapists are real piece of crap alright. You stay strong there!!!!!!

[Gracelove]

Thanks guys for your replies!

I've been going through a bit lately which is why, unfortunately I didn't reply earlier.

But thank you.

Um, I was raped on a college campus.

And I've heard that there are women who recently protested because many women have been raped on that campus and they were tired of the school trying to cover it up.

I have yet to look it up on the internet though.

I wish I could have been there, at least I could have maybe met more people like me.

I'm still pretty isolated.

Life has been a whirlwind lately, and I don't even want to think of why.

I feel like crying though.

But I'm glad that women are protesting against the school.

It's an all boys school.

That doesn't give their students the right to rape women because they feel they can get away with it.

I mean what are they teaching at that school?

Women are worthless, disposal, etc.???

I mean, it's really scary and disturbing.

[2blessed2Bstressed]

GraceLove,

 

I have read all of your posts from beginning to end. You have been thru more at your young age than anyone should have to go thru in a lifetime. You are healing and on the road to recovery. I understand that you miss your boyfriend but I am glad to know that you are home and with your family. I would only want my daughter one place at a time like this – safe in my arms.

 

I found this website because my daughter is a freshman at the school where they had the recent rape protests. I went on the internet to do research and I am alarmed at what I have found. I also did some homework and the person is no longer at the school. I don't know why.

 

Grace, I do not know how the others on this site feel about this but you mentioned him by name. I understand from your posts that he has not been arrested. Just as easily as I found this website, he could too – and since he has not been arrested he could take legal action against you. (I think it is called slander or defamation of character, I am not sure.) You are at a very delicate stage of your recovery. I would change the post – to protect myself. I think someone talked about what should and should not be stated publicly in an open forum (nottoogreen??). Be careful.

 

Continue healing, stay close to your family, stay close to God.

[Gracelove]

2blessed2Bestressed

 

Oh my gosh!!!!

 

You've read all of my threads from beginning to end!!!

I'm so flattered.

 

I've thought about the fact that he might try to sue me for defamation, but at this point I don't really care.

 

I've basically fallen apart, I can hold myself together on the outside, but on the inside I have so much crap to deal with I don't even see how I can being to work through it.

 

I appreciate your advice and support.

 

However, I do believe that he would have more to lose from attempting to sue me for defamtion.

 

I am a kind and loving person, but I've just about had it.

 

And if he were to ever do such a thing like that, after raping me, I think he'd have more to fear than I ever will.

 

I'm through, I'm holding my life together as best as I can. But everyone has a limit.

A human can only take so much.

And if he tried to push that limit, even just a little bit, he'd wish he was never born.

 

I do believe in Jesus, he is the only one who is keeping me together at this point.

And I'm doing my hardest to keep it together.

So if my rapist wanted to do something stupid like attacking me again (via the legal system) because I've told the truth, he'll have hell to pay.

And I'm dead serious.

 

Anywho, that's just a little message for him, in case one say he decides to read my post.

And can figure out which of the many women he's raped, that I am.

 

I really do appreciate the support of everyone in this community.

 

I wish I could participate more at times.

Sometimes I'm unable to reply like I want to.

 

I actually have a new therapist now that I'm at home.

 

I went to see her for the first time yesterday.

I guess my mother filled her in on the things I was dealing with before the rape.

My therapist said i have a lot to deal with, and it's true.

 

I've been...I don't know...I guess trying to ignore things. Trying to ignore what I truly feel inside, minimizing the situations so that I can function in this life.

It's getting harder though.

Much harder.

I've half numbed myself.

 

And now I'm in therapy, and I'm afraid.

Afraid of the rage that may be inside.

 

Afraid that this healing process may take years.

Upset that someone else's actions could pretty much ruin my life.

 

Disappointed that I was drugged, because I really would have liked to beat my rapists' * * *.

I promise you I would have sent him to the emergency room if I had a chance. And he probably would have arrived without a penis.

 

I'm angry with that for sure.

I finally realized when they first drugged me.

It was at dinner.

And I know why they were all just looking at me the way they did when I made mention of the alcohol and how I felt.

 

And why I could hear Ariel asking questions about my drink when I was a mess, while we were at the club.

 

I'm trying to channel the hurt, vunerability, and extreme pain I feel into losing weight.

 

I'm trying not to get bent on revenge. Because when I set my mind to something I'm a force to be reckoned with.

 

I want to be the Grace I once was.

I want to be happy.

I just want to be me. the me I used to be was such a beautiful person. I don't want to lose her.

 

There is so much at stake, ya know.

 

My life. My life is at stake.

 

But I am stronger. I have a new strength. A silent strength. I know I can depend on myself. I know that no one will hurt me that way again. Because I'll be prepared.

I'm definitely working on turning myself/my body into....for lack of a better word, a killing machine.

So that if any man ever attacks me again, it'll be the last time he ever attacks anyone.

I'm to that phase now.

I will defend myself at all costs.

 

My life is a work in progress.

I don't think I can have many more breakdowns, I pretty much have a different way of dealing with things.

Crying gets me no where, so i don't really cry much anymore.

So the tears become something else, I haven't quite discovered what they become, but I know it's something that I can use to my advantage.

 

I guess I pretty much have to bank on God punishing them better than I can.

i know I have favor, I guess I should use it.

 

Maybe if I focus on God destroying their lives, I'll feel a little more secure about mine, and my future.

 

I guess you can see the reason I haven't been responding to many posts lately.

I'm trying to work through my feelings.

Trying to figure out how to make my life now, survivable.

 

Thanks for your support and advice, it's greatly appreciated.