It's me again

[Gracelove]

I don't know, things aren't going that great.

 

My boyfriend is so sweet ya know, and I love him so much.

 

He's so patient with me, and I know he loves me...but will I wear him out???

 

I know grieving is the natural process, from recovering from rape.

But it's not an easy process.

I don't want to hurt him by my hurting.

When I'm sad, he says it makes him sad.

I don't want him to be sad.

 

I...and I'm going home for a month. And it's going to hurt me so much because I'll miss him.

I already miss him all day, every single day, now I'll be away from him.

He says he's sad and that he'll miss me too.

 

But I don't know.

 

I feel like this trip might be good because he'll miss me.

 

But I don't know, I guess that's me just trying to syke myself into being okay about going home.

 

Today he wanted us to hang out together and watch movies.

But then I got a little sad.

He comforted me and told me that everything is going to be okay.

But then he decided to go to his friends house.

 

We were suppose to hang out.

 

I don't mind him being with his friends, and I'm sure he needs a break.

 

But it just makes me feel so sad when one minute he wants to hang out and the next he's doing something else.

 

I wish he wouldn't mention us hanging out.

 

I just feel so bad. I....I'm trying to get better. But I'm just so sad sometimes.

And I....I don't quite know what to do or be.

 

I don't know if I'm okay or not.

 

I don't know how to be better.

 

I mean, I don't go around moaping (Spelling?) all day.

Quite the contrary.

 

I just feel sad inside, and that nothing will help.

 

And I just want to be a good girlfriend. One that he can be proud of.

 

And today he looked a little different ya know.

Like maybe he was going out on a date or something.

 

I don't know.

I don't know about that sudden change.

 

I just don't feel wanted sometimes...like, who would want me around? I'm not good enough.

 

But I guess I've always been that way.

I'm pretty, but I'm not thin enough.

I don't know that I've ever been thin enough, even when I'm really thin.

 

I could be so much better than I am right now.

 

I could wear the cute clothes I have in my closet, I could wear the beautiful makeup.

I have a lovely figure.....but I don't do these things now. All I feel is such a grave sense of loss.

 

Like I'm mourning the person I was, the person I can be. And nothing can help me!

 

I'm so sad, nothing helps me.

 

And I don't know why.

 

I look at pictures, old pictures of me. I was so happy and so pretty.

And I can't get back to that.

I don't know how.

And it's killing me.

 

I hate sleeping. I hate my dreams. And when I just get so tired...I have to take medicine to sleep, then I can't wake up.

 

And I hate this life of mine.

I'm trapped.

So trapped.

And I can't get out.

 

Nobody knows how to help me out.

 

I'm just here, all alone.

all by myself. And I'm scared.

I'm scared and tired, I want someone to make it go away.

 

Help me please! Somebody, I need so much help.

 

How will I get it? How am I suppose to help myself? I don't know how anymore.

[onewithbooks]

You just need to take things one day at a time. If you feel like you are putting the pressure on your bf maybe it is good that you two will have some time apart. Have you thought about talking to a professional about the happenings in you life? That way you could release and vent and it might take some of the pressure off of your relationship.

 

I hope you are feeling more OK soon