He won't stop seeing her

[pamh]

So he came home yesterday after seeing her and told me that he told her that he won't be able to see her again until January 1st! When I got upset because he's already made a date to see her again, he got all huffy and said, "Well, I promised you that I wouldn't see her for 3 months! Why are you mad?"

 

It was then that I truly realized that there is no way for me to be happy, and for our marriage to continue.

 

Before we went to see the marriage counselor today, I told him that since we do not have the same goals re: marriage counseling, there's no sense wasting the time and money on it. He pleaded with me to go, so I did. The counselor ended up telling us that we probably are not going to make it together, but to give it some time before making final decisions. We did not make another appointment.

 

Now my husband and I are discussing his possibly moving out of the house, or at least moving into the other bedroom. (No way am I going to leave my house!) I do need some time to think about and plan my future without him before we start selling property, etc., so that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. I'm also thinking about attending BAN meetings (Beyond Affairs Network) to get additional support.

[Rosalie]

Well I am in a similar situation...but I am "the other woman" in my case.

 

Pam, I don't believe he will stop seeing her. In my situation, we see each other every single day...sometimes spend whole afternoons or evenings together. He goes home late and at times not at all. In some sense you are the stronger person for still being with him. I know it must be difficult.

 

The counselling won't help....been there before as well. In my case, I left my husband but the person I am involved with is still with his wife. He says he'll leave her but he won't...and he goes to counselling to pacify her but won't stop seeing me. He also told her he has had no contact with me...we never stopped seeing each other.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but believe you should see the other side of this coin as well. As should I....I mean, it's not easy being on this side of things either. yes, I choose to be in this relationship, but I didn't choose for this to happen like this. It's not easy to be on either side of this...I do not mean to be disrespectful to your feelings. In a way this thread has been theraputic for me as well. I should get out of my relationship... I know I should for many reasons...but my heart won't let go of him....

[Siriana]

You've done the right thing. Marriage counselour was waste of your money. I suggest you to see a lawyer - he doesn't have to know that - just to see where are you standing. And no - the other room is not enough, he needs to be kicked out of the house. He is still getting what he doesn't deserve- he is free of counseling and under the same roof with you. He needs to be kicked out. To get a sense of reality. He still doesn't believe that you are serious. Don't wait anymore.

[flower99]

Wow girl, Good job! I want to commend you finding the strength within you to see a life without him. And for opening your eyes and seeing you don't deserve this & without the same goals re: marriage couseling there is no point.

This week has been a big break through for you.And I truly believe it will lead you to a better life. Stay strong & keep your eyes on the light.

[doyathink]

Hi pam, I realize I am coming into this a bit late but I have to ask you this; did you ever see any signs of this in him? This has been done to me also and it came as a shock, i never seen anything! He has never been one to carry on a convo about anything with me, I had no idea.

 

We had been married barely a year when he had the first affair.

[pamh]

At last, things have settled enough emotionally for me to think clearly and take some action. I have told my husband that I want a divorce, and in the meantime, I will be moving into our condo near the ocean Sweetest part of that is...that's where his mistress lives. Yes, that's right, she's been paying rent to us for the past 3 years. Guess she'll have to set up their little love nest somewhere else.

 

My soon-to-be ex-husband says he's willing to be more than fair about money. Just in case he changes his mind though, I'm stashing a bit away here and there, as advised by previous posters here. I will also have a lawyer and a CPA look over the marital settlement agreement to make sure I don't get the shaft.

 

He's still whining about how much he loves me and keeps giving me "lost puppy" looks all the time. I finally had to tell him to stop it because we are NOT getting back together, and I need this time to create distance from him so I can forge a new life without him. I'm not sure whether he really groks this because he seems to have the maturity of a 7-year old child.

 

But whatever...I will be moving into the condo sometime in December, and have been gathering tons of information about the divorce process, seeing a counselor, and getting support from my friends. I will survive!

 

Pam

[Siriana]

Well good for you, it is great thing you've decided so. After some time you will feel so much better and happier. Good luck

[gnabna]

Pam, I wanted to say that you sound like an amazing woman and I am so thankful/proud of the stregnth that you exercised to tell him NO MORE! You are so much more valuable then you have been treated! Letting him know that you will not stand for his double life is really best.

[flower99]

Pam, I wanted to say that you sound like an amazing woman and I am so thankful/proud of the stregnth that you exercised to tell him NO MORE! You are so much more valuable then you have been treated! Letting him know that you will not stand for his double life is really best.

 

I second this!!!

Wow! I am so amazed by your strength & courage.

I truly believe this is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. And you're right, you will survive. You will do more than survive, you will grow so much, become stronger & wise because of this. And in turn you will be a comfort & an inspiration to others.

((hugs)) I'm now smiling CHEERS!

 

here are some words of encouragement if needed

 

link removed

[n83]

He better be generous with his money, or else the judge will make him be

 

You are my personal hero.!!!

[candy604]

i'm glad you made that decision. Honestly your will be ex-husband is very selfish,he can't have both woman and his love isn't true b/c he already has his heart on another woman. What he has isn't precious,it's lost.

 

So glad to hear you are moving on!

[Jodiegirl]

Im very proud of you, and I don't know you.

Never take that idiot back. He doesn't love you. He loves himself. Have solace know it wont work out with him and Ms. Mistress.

[micy226]

Doesn't it seem hard after that long of marriage....it's probably like the 2nd half of your life....ouch.

 

You can move on though, but it will take time. The pain is similar to grieving for the death of your husband (even though he's not actually dead). People do move on when their spouses pass away. This is a really tough time, and it will take a lot of time, but if you stay strong you can make it through.

[pamh]

Thanks for your kind words.

 

I've been packing my stuff and can't wait to get into the condo in late November/early December. Sometimes it's awkward and awful to still be here with him, but he is being cooperative and helpful.

 

He just now seems to be realizing how much he's thrown away. And to that, I say two things: "It's about time" and '"too little, too late". I just keep reminding him that he made his choice, and now I've made mine. I will not sacrifice myself for him.

 

I just have to stay strong. And I will.

[Siriana]

Be strong, you definitely have our support here on enotalone. Good luck

[lovecrazy]

WOW great you are taking a stand for yourself...

 

Please keep us updated on how your life is going...

[pamh]

Man, every day seems like a year while I continue living with my cheating husband. I just keep buying stuff for my new household, and trying to keep it together. It's tough, but I'll make it.

 

His mistress is supposed to be out of our condo by Nov. 1st, but is dragging her heels, not really making a concentrated effort to look for a place. She's applied to rent 2 different places, but she has a 1998 bankruptcy, so probably won't be their first choice.

 

My husband can see how badly I'm suffering, and has been dragging her around to look at other places. I told him that if she's not out by Nov. 1st, I will file an eviction notice against her to show her I'm serious about this.

 

Meanwhile, I have been advised by a close friend to have her investigated, since I have nothing in writing with my husband about our financial agreement - only verbal. My friend says that once I move out, it's possible that she could influence him to change his mind about our financial agreements, and I could get left out in the cold.

 

My friend thinks this woman is highly suspect for the following reasons:

 

- Arrest for running a house of prostitution and possession of drugs many yrs ago (although she says they're trumped up charges)

 

- Claims she never had an orgasm before meeting my husband, and had never done it in a certain position before she met him (and she was running a house of prostitution??)

 

- Claims she was a corpsman in the Navy for many years, but she hates boats and can't swim

 

- Has two previous husbands, one of whom died of cancer at a young age, and another in a motorcycle accident a couple years ago (I told my husband he better be careful

 

- Can't manage money at all and declared bankruptcy in 1998

 

What do you think? Should I spend the money for a private investigator to get her criminal history, any outstanding warrants, etc.? My friend says that depending on what the investigator finds, I may want to retain a lawyer NOW and not trust my husband to resist any evil influence she may have over him.

 

Pam

[n83]

A private investigator isn't going to be able to tell you whether she's influencing your husband or not... But you should gather evidence of infidelity, you may need it in any court proceedings in case he suddenly tries to deny something ...

 

Also, anything to do with finances, clear your bases. I'm not sure how you've arranged things but if you have joint accounts he could technically empty them out and there wouldn't be much you could do about it. So be careful of letting YOUR money become his mistress'.

[Siriana]

No, don't hire a private investigator to digg stuff about her. Hire a very, very good attorney to sort things out if things get messy. This is the only thing that can help you secured.

About the flatt, you're right - don't wait a single day after november the first.

[Shadows Light]

All state laws are slightly different. If you live in a no-fault state... infidelity can't be charged. I wouldn't spend the money. I had a friend who spent oodles of money on a PI... it didnt' gain him anything but angquish. He had the name of the lover, financials, background and pix and video tapes of the assignations. All it did for him was CONFIRM that she was having an affair and imprint his brain with images of his Wife and her lover caught on pix and video.

 

When it comes to the courts they can care less. They see so many cases a day that "YOUR'S" is not special or any different. Its their job. Its a business. All the courts do is make sure that the Assets and Liabilities are equally distributed and that the CHILDREN are protected. In the case of INFIDELITY.. yes, a background check could help you retain custody of CHILDREN and mayhap prevent any prolonged exposure to a CRIMINAL person.

 

If you are siphoning off money. Make sure you are doing it in minimal increments. If the courts see that you are make HUGE withdrawls and are cleaning the accounts right before filing.... it will become suspect. Any agreements you make with your husband... GET them SIGNED and NOTORIZED. Get it on paper... in black and white.

[birdgirl]

Wow, Pam, I admire you so much. I hope get things sorted out and are very, very happy.

[pamh]

Hangin' in there, I mean. I'm still living with my rat bastard husband, but this weekend the carpet will be installed in my condo, and I can begin moving in.

 

It's been a very long road, but I have to say that things have improved emotionally for me over time. I had a brief crying spell tonight (which is why I'm posting here - I need support), but that's been getting rarer. I'm able to sleep most nights without meds, even though his * * * is still on the other side, so that's good. Unfortunately, I've been having anxiety attacks a couple times a week, which I've never had before in my life. Had a stress test done, but thank goodness, my heart is strong. (even though it's broken)

 

It's really hard being around him, but I'm dreading the holiday season because I have no family in the area, and don't want to be with him. Thanksgiving won't be so bad since I'll just have moved into my condo and will be busy unpacking and getting settled. But Christmas.....ugh. I think I may volunteer at a food kitchen or something so that I can get my mind off my troubles and help someone else at the same time.

 

Anybody got any any good words for me? I'm feeling a bit low tonight.

 

Pam

[Juliana]

Vacation, baby! Canada is absolutely beautiful at Christmas time. Even if it's just for the Christmas hols, believe me, a change would do you good.

[Its_B]

First off, Pam you are an icredibly strong woman, I give you much credit. A lot of people in your situation would not be as strong as you are. Do you have any friends close by who you could spend the holidays with? Otherwise, I second the idea of a vacation, it would be a nice change of pace. And if neither of those are an option, I think volunteering is a fantastic idea too. Whatever you decide, you will be in my thoughts and prayers!

[Beyondthesea]

Pam you are so strong and have influenced so many people with your actions!

 

Remind yourself of your strength, and start focusing on the things you want in your new life It will be alright