He won't stop seeing her

[pamh]

After 23 years of marriage, I discovered that my husband has been having an affair for the past 6 years with a particular person. I am of course shocked, hurt and angry. Within days of this discovery, I asked him to stop seeing her and to come with me to see a marriage counselor to see if we can save our marriage. He agreed to stop seeing her, and called her to break it off that very day.

 

For the month following, he was obviously miserable, and said that giving her up was the hardest thing he had ever done. In that month, he "shared" certain details of their relationship that were extremely hurtful to me, in the name of "honesty".

 

Now, he has begun seeing her again, but keeps repeating that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I can't believe it's happening, but he is hoping that I'll get over this hurt with time and realize that what we have is so precious that I'll accept the fact that he will continue to see her.

 

We 're still seeing a therapist, but my life is a living hell - can't sleep, crying frequently, feelings of hopelessness, etc. I realize that I'm still in the "post-traumatic" stage, and am reluctant to make a decision of whether to stay or go until I can think more clearly. But I can't continue to suffer like this either. Does anyone have any words of advice for me?

 

Pam

[Lady Bugg]

Oh man Pam...I am SO sorry to hear this. This guy is incredibly selfish. Expecting you to let him have his cake and eat it too. Do you have children?

If he is still refusing to stop seeing her...there's not much you can do...because he is going to do what he wants to do regardless.

Six years is a LOOONG time..and a LOT of broken trust.

Do you think this marriage is really repairable?

 

I can't say I can give you much advice as I have never gone through this..but I feel for you.

Make sure you stay in counseling for your sake.....

Perhaps asking your husband to move out will force him to make a decision.

I know that's the worst case scenerio..but having him cheat under your nose certainly cannot be much better.

[texami]

pam, i'm so sorry to hear about your situation... incredible that he would just expect to keep the affair going!!

 

can i ask about kids? do they factor into your lives together right now? i know in my situation dealing with tough issues in my marriage, the kids were a major consideration, and changed my adivce to myself, and probably others' advice to you.

[flower99]

Now, he has begun seeing her again, but keeps repeating that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I can't believe it's happening, but he is hoping that I'll get over this hurt with time and realize that what we have is so precious that I'll accept the fact that he will continue to see her.

 

Wow I am sooooo sorry! (hugs)

But if he truly believes that what you have is precious & he doesn't want to lose you...than why is he again doing the one thing that is causeing you to cry, lose, sleep, destroy your relationship & break his vows to you.....Hurting you in so many ways! and than he thinks you should accept the fact that he is going to continue to see her. I'm sorry but I disagree with him....YOU SHOULDN'T ACCEPT IT!!!! her or you. not both. You can't continue to suffer like this and I can't believe he expects you to.

If he can't make his choice..Get out or kick him out! you deserve a faithful, honest, loyal husband.

[amtjrtcet]

Welcome to ENA, and I am sooo sorry to hear what you're going through. I've never been married, but this is the way I see it....You devoted the last 23 yrs of your life to a man that hasn't done the same for you. You've tired to forgive & were willing to put the affair behind you (WOW!). You're trying counseling, but he won't stop seeing her.....I think divorce should be avoided if at all possible, but clearly that's the only answer here.

You are obviously a wonderful, kind, caring person. He doesn't deserve you.

Be strong, pray about it.

[Shadows Light]

Pam... I am extremely sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time with this discovery.

 

How was your relationship prior to the discovery?

 

Has he given you any reason for his infidelity?

 

Six years is a long time to be having an outside relationship. The roots have sunk deep. I don't think you will see him breaking his habit or addiction any time soon.

 

As another poster suggested... how about separarte living arrangements. It would give you the peace and solitude to find your landing gear and get your feet back under you. He OWES you that much that he should be willing to accomidate.

 

I suggest you find yourself a therapist / counselor someone to talk to professionally. Just so you can prepare yourself for all the emotions and feelings that will surface once the "shock" has worn off.

 

Sending you big big hugs. This was HIS choice.. and HIS doing. Don't go blaming yourself or second guessing yourself.

[pamh]

We do not have any kids, thank goodness. While I'm still shocked by this discovery, the thing that's really messing with my mind is the fact that he won't stop seeing her.

 

I believe in my heart that he has made his choice. And now I have to make a choice, too. But it's really tough to imagine not living with him after being together for 25 years. Thanks again for everything. What a wonderful community of people.

 

Pam

[WildChild]

I am so sad to read your post I went through something similar as you are right now and what helped me, and I read it over and over, was a book written by Dr. James Dobson entitled "Love Must Be Tough" That book saved me I don't know how many times, and ironically he has an excerpt in it regarding the same situation that you are in now.

 

Stay strong, love yourself, and go with your gut

[Shadows Light]

Pam....

 

Yes.. it will be difficult for a little bit. But you "WILL" get through it. I promise.. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I was told that in the beginning and didn't see it. lol. Now I do.

 

There are a number of books on grief and grieving out there. you might want to take a peek at them. Just so you know the stages you'll go through.

 

Yes.. he's made his choice. And with choices come consequences. There are some people who do live in open ended marriages for one reason or another. But its the life for alot of us. I agree. I don't share well. lol.

 

Welcome to Enotalone. Keep coming back as often as you need to and read through the sections that pertain to your situation. You can use the tool bar above to search on the topic of choice.

 

Lots of hugs.. love and light. you will be ok.

[agent1607307371]

but he is hoping that I'll get over this hurt with time and realize that what we have is so precious that I'll accept the fact that he will continue to see her.

 

What an absolute b*****d!

 

I would definitely start living apart. It is going to be extremely difficult to heal and find your balance with him around. It will also give him a much needed reality check.

 

He obviously does not regard what you have together as precious and it is incredibly manipulative and cruel of him to play with you like this.

 

I think seeing a therapist by yourself would be a good way to start dealing with what you're going through and to work out what you want to do next.

[Lady Bugg]

Pam you are being amazingly strong. I commend you.

 

The thing about men and their mistresses is...she sees all the GOOD stuff. No bad moods, no bills. She gets all the "good" stuff....

 

That said....you and he have been married twenty three years!!!! OBVIOUSLY you guys had SOMETHING that was lasting. You probably provided him with a VERY stable home life..and it shows in your post.I know this is devastating for you...but you CAN get through it. Keep posting . It helps....it's not much but it will get you through some rough spots.

[nmduipd]

I am so sorry to hear this. I can't even start to imagine what you are going through.

 

Personally, I see his 'offer' as a negotiating tool (in terms that he is not really expecting you to accept, but is testing your limits anyway). I'm wondering though: if what you two have is so precious, shouldn't he be willing to put more of an effort to save it?

 

I don't think the question is: should you stay with him?

Instead, ask yourself if you are able to adapt to such situation under any circumstances.

If not, your decision is already made.

(Lots of people would find the situation unbearable, but hey, everyone is different…people have different reasons…)

 

Besides, someone who expects you to 'get over the hurt with time' and 'just accept it' is either a very selfish person or has some serious issues.

 

On the second thought, you may have given him the impression (over years) that you would accept anything just to stay with him and now he is feeling some sort of power over you ...

[Beyondthesea]

Leave him.

 

He can't have you both. He is obviously sure you're going to stick around and put up with it, which you are!

 

Leave him and save yourself the trouble!!! No matter what happens, you will always doubt him forever, and he is proving his 'worth' right now.

[Siriana]

Oh my good that's so low and cowardly from your housband.

 

You were prepared to forgive him, You were prepared to see a marriage counselour and capable of hearing how miserable he is after leaving her and some other detailed info about it. So you had every intention in the world to try to save a marriage. You've done your best.

But he hasn't done anything on his side. he continued the same thing he was already dooing.

 

So you want to sort things out and he is not sticking to his part of the deal.

 

Now you have 2 solutions:

1. live with it and alowing him to have a mistress

2. file for divorce and mean it

Whatever you choose between these two options you have one thing you need to do:

ask him to live separately, meaning he has to pack his bags.

 

I suggest you canceling the marriage counselor and start seeing one for you only. You need now all the support since he droped his part of the deal.

[n83]

Hey Pam,

I (like everyone else here!) am very sorry to hear about your situation, it must be completely devastating. There are a few things about your post that stood out to me, that others have touched upon and I agree with them:

 

Your husband cannot have his cake and eat it too. You are obviously NOT okay with him remaining in contact with her. If that's the case, you have a tough decision to make. He cannot have you both. You have to be willing to say, Enough is enough. Go to her, but you cannot keep going back and forth between the two of us.

 

That being said, you have to get yourself to a stronger place before you can make that decision (and truly mean what you say)... I agree with the others that counseling (just for you, not both) will be a good idea. You are obviously having a difficult time coping, and what you're going through is completely normal, if only temporary.

The way you feel will NOT last forever, but please, don't let him do any more damage to your heart than he's already done...!!!

[melrich]

I believe in my heart that he has made his choice. And now I have to make a choice, too. But it's really tough to imagine not living with him after being together for 25 years.

 

It is a really tough decision. That's a bifg part of your life and ending the marriage would leave a huge gap in your life for a while.

 

But you are not happy now and I think you know the only reason that you are contemplating continuing this marriage at all is that you are scared to be alone. Things will be hard but they will get so much better.

[Lady Bugg]

Oh.............and ...DON'T be surprised that once you decide enough is enough..and you're ending your marriage that your husband might suddenly have a change of heart and want to come back. I think the ending of this marriage will be as devastating for him..even THOUGH he is with someone else. You have been a constant in his lfe....and you not being there will most certainly rattle his world as well. Please hold strong during this transition.....and stick to your convictions. You will get through it.

[Rabican]

one word for ya

 

D I V O R C E !!!!!!!!

 

 

youll be better off.

[pamh]

Hello and thanks again to everyone who has responded to my post - you all have been a great source of support for me.

 

I'm in a better space now because I feel like I have more control of the situation. I have started seeing a counselor on my own, and that has been helpful. More importantly, I've been looking into what a divorce entails, and in that process, am now able to imagine life on my own. I will survive!

 

Knowing that I can survive (and possibly thrive) without him has enabled me draw my line in the sand - either he stops seeing her or I file for divorce. He has now agreed to stop seeing her for at least for the next 3 months so that we can continue couples counselling in hopes of saving our marriage.

 

Obviously, this isn't the ideal situation in my opinion. And in fact, I believe that we each have different goals for the couples counselling. He wants me to accept his relationship with her because he wants to stay married to me, and I want him to stop seeing her so I can stay married to him.

 

However, we have agreed that we share a common goal - we both need to be happy with our lives. And if, at the end of the 3 months, one or both of us is not happy, a big change will need to take place. Either I will divorce him, or he will stop seeing her permanently. Period.

 

So there is some comfort here for me at this time. Thanks again to all of you

[Shadows Light]

Do yourself a huge favor Pamh....

 

Start yourself a little nest egg.. on the side. Where he doesn't know and can't get to it. Protect yourself. Just in case.

[Siriana]

Yeah, good idea. Put some money on the side - you never know....

[rmpavlock]

Wow...I am sorry to hear about all that! That's unbelievable! He sounds incredibly selfish and manipulative. I would definitely make sure you are seeing a QUALIFIED therapist probably by yourself so he can't manipulate things and try to turn things around. I certainly don't think I could stay with a man like that, but I was never married for 23 years so it's hard for me to say.

[Alive2]

this is a lifestyle choice you both have to make together and I'm guessing your fixed beleifs may not support that kind of choice. Obviously saying NO means divorce (that's the easy way out) so the relevant question is, if you agree to polyamory ... what other conditions will he try to enforce (e.g. threesomes with his mistress)? So if you are not comfortable with sharing (polyamory) or partaking in the sharing (threeway, group, etc) then maybe you should ask your hubby if you can have a lover aswell and if he says NO WAY then his real intentions are pretty clear ... if he says SURE WHATEVER then either he is truly polyamorous or will just put up with anything to have his mistress ... if hes smart and successful (e.g. in business) then he has probably got a large selection of manipulation tactics at the ready to negotiate with ... and you will likely sucumm to them if you are weak and not in a position of power ... probably the reason he thought he could get away with in the first place!! If the only thing you can negotiate with is divorce then you have no real useful power!

[wrightgirl]

You deserve more!! You gave him 25 years of your life and your love and he thinks it's okay to let you suffer like this?? Terrible! I know it must be hard for you to imagine life without him, but you really aren't living a life WITH him because he's not giving his whole self to you. Let him go...you can't possibly respect a man exhibiting this much selfishness can you? I also recently found out my husband has a girlfriend and he is continuing to see her, and it feels awful. I left him...it was hard to deal with having a newborn and two-yr-old, but I did it and you can too! Good luck, wish you happiness.

[texami]

pam, the part you wrote about you wanting counselling so you can change him to save your marrige... i just can't relate to that. even after so long together, i just couldn't still want a man who did what he did (and continues to do!). there is something about not wanting a person who doesn't want you that i have always felt in my life.

 

can you really be with him after all you have learned? you are looking at a big life change if you divorce, and it is scary, there is no doubt about that. but, think about looking him in the eye for the rest of your life knowing what you know he feels for this other woman and what he really wants deep down inside.

 

i do wish you the best, and please have strength to get what you deserve as a loving, loyal person. demand the same of people in your life...