Can we remain friends?

[StandTall]

I just recently ended a relationship for many reasons, including a 13 year age difference and some hurtful things we did to each other. The truth is, she is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and never wanted her out of my life 100%. At the same time, I realize that I can't string her along if I don't want a relationship with her. She has called often asking to try again, and I didn't have it in me. I am not dating anyone else, and am not looking to right now. Yesterday when she called, I did not answer and have not called back as this has been going on for over a week, and the conversation never ends well. Is it possible that with a "Cooling off" period, we may become friends? I truly care about her and still love her, and we are both feeling great pain. If she calls, should I answer the phone, or is that just leading her on? The conversation always turns to us geting back together, and I told her flat out that it is over to remove any doubt. Any advice is appreciated.

[Jayar]

When you break up with someone, you break up with their entire being... Not just the relationship commitment part of it. So when you took the relationship SHE VALUED away from her, she has the right to (and should) take the friendship YOU VALUE away from you. You can't just have the comfort and friendship of this "amazing person" while not giving her what she desires in return.

 

That said, if in time she decides to remain friends, consider yourself lucky. It's up to you whether you answer the phone. Just know that at some point she WILL stop calling, and then it wouldn't be right of YOU to start calling her.

[paulapalooza]

That's one of the great things about this site. Many people will tell you to go NC (No contact), which is one of the greatest pieces of advice that anyone can ever give you. You've already done all that you can do in that you've made it clear to your ex that nothing will work out between you guys. She's just upset.

 

Going NC will allow you guys to cool off. But as for being friends, that depends with time. Right now I'm going through the same thing. My bf broke up with me a week and a half ago. I decided to go NC. Nothing good can come from speaking, especially since emotions are running so high. I would like a friendship with him, especially since we were friends first...just not now. I need to heal first. I think you should do the same with your ex. Let her heal first. She can't do that though if she doens't let you go.

[whatchamacallit]

May I ask StandTall in what direction is the age gap? What are the other obstacles in you two being together. Your situation is so tough and I feel for ya.

[Dako]

I'd suggest you both deal with the breakup facing you both.

Forget about friendship for now and just heal. That's plenty.

 

I didn't do NC and stayed friends, and it's wonderful, but in some ways iit was harder and more painful to heal while talking to the person I wanted so badly. It was like walking through a minefield of emotional triggers while already traumatized.

 

After a healing period, you'll both be more able to talk without opening old wounds or questioning each other's motives. If you both want it, a friendship can be a bonus.

[amb1873]

Wow. How applicable Sounds similar to my current situation except I can honestly tell you that I don't want to be ONLY friends with my ex, I for some reason am just convincing myself that I'm willing to settle for any sort of relationship/friendship to keep him in my life. Why do you want to be friends? Would you be ok being her friend if she began to date someone else? Do you think it would be possible for her to be your friend when you began to date someone else? Do you see any hope for the two of you in the future or do you really see the rest of your relationship togther as just being good friends?

[StandTall]

I can tell she is in a great deal of pain, as am I. When she called me yesterday, it killed me not to call her back. As painful as it is to not talk to her, it would be worse for me to lead her on. I have been out of town, and will get back this week. If she asked to see me, I guess I would do that as our beak up was by phone due to circumstances, and she deserved better. I am not trying to have my cake and eat it too- I just care very deeply for her, and hate the thought of never talking again.

[Dako]

Good point, amb1873

I think the acid test of a friendship is accepting the other one's pursuit of a new relationship. Ain't easy.

[Orlander]

I can tell she is in a great deal of pain, as am I.

Forcing a friendship when either/both are in pain is not natural and will only lead to further heartache.

 

I don't think there is such a thing as a cooling off period. There's healed and there's unhealed. Getting away from communication on any level with your ex is priority right now. Best not to even consider friendship at a future time right now cause the mind has a way of using thoughts like that against you.

 

 

Orlander

[StandTall]

I know it hurts her further when I call, so I have not called back. She told me in an e-mail that she hopes I will remember the good times we had, and I have great memories of those. Do you ever ask yourself "How did we go from being two people so happy together to this?" It's really sad. I'm hopeful that in time she will realize that I never intentionally tried to hurt her, and will seek out my friendship.

[amb1873]

Honestly, it hurts her if you call or do not call. If you are really 100% committed to never being with this woman again in a romantic way, then you need to cut her loose and let her go- for her own sake. If you care about her like you say you do then do her this favor as this will be the only way she will be able to move on. And she will probably press you and continue to try for a while- and it will hurt either way. Let her move on and if she decides in time that she is ready for a friendship then hopefully she will approach you with that option. AND, by continually telling her that yes, you do still care, and yes, you remember the great times too, it is encouraging her, whether you mean it that way or not.

[StandTall]

I spoke with her girlfriend, and she told me that my ex was not doing well at all. Against my better judgement, I called her. She was at work, and talked to me as if everything was fine. She asked if she could call me later, and I said yes. She has not called back, and might not. I don't want to get in the habit of calling her- I was just happy that she sounded OK. The next few days will be very hard. =( Thank you all for being there for me. I know everyone things that the dumper isn't hurting, but I'm here to tell you differently.

[Dako]

ST,

My ex was the dumper, and she suffered terribly.

There's no winner in a breakup if you both lost something.

[StandTall]

She still insists on calling, and it is very sad. I do love her and always will, but am very concerned by our 13 year age difference. I wrote her an e-mail telling her maybe we should not talk for a while and heal, but I have not heard back from her. I hope I am not letting the best thing to happen to me get away. I am fairly sure I don't want kids, but can't rule it out. With her being 47, there is no chance of it. =(

[Melissa1144]

Stand Tall,

 

My mother who is older than her husband by 16 years has been married for 15 years to him. In her younger years their age difference was not obvious but as the years passed it became very obvious. THeir marriage is in constant grief due to the age difference. She is not as energetic as her husband and secretly wished she never married him. She feels selfish for marrying him now that it is clear to her that their age difference is so obvious and they dont enjoy doing activities like they once were able to. Not to mention that he loves children and they of course were never able to have children. These are all possible situations for you. It is just sad to go through a break up but you have to look at all the long term possibities. I feel that in the long run, you two can remain friends but not in the near future.

[StandTall]

I am sooo sad tonight thinking about her. It is my first weekend apart from her, and I am really feeling it tonight. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and the fact that I have hurt her hurts me even more. Ironically, I want to call and soothe her pain, but I know I can't.

[StandTall]

Nobody seems to tell this side of the story, and it scares me greatly. I just wish I would have thought more about it in the beginning and avoided putting us through this.

[Relax]

Just like your user name STAND TALL, you can't be friends.

 

A human heart once 'broken' can be mended, time (and there is a way to reduce this time close to few minutes) heals a broken heart, and a new relationship -in some cases- also heals a broken heart

[StandTall]

We have been going back and forth and are having trouble staying away. I went over to take her to breakfast this morning, and hung out afterwards. She wanted me to have sex with her, and I said no. I pleasured her with my hand, but wanted no reciprocation. After a while, out of the blue, she said "I need to find someone to f%$# me tonight". I was floored. She said she was just kidding, and went on and on about how attracted she is to me. I try to tell people when I tell this story that she is not like that, and they tell me "Obviously she is". There is always some truth to a lie said in jest. I feel like I still love her, but things are becoming toxic. I want to ask her why she made that remard, but then I think "Why does it matter now"? She is strapped for cash because she was without work for a while, and I offered her money which I have not yet given her. She has borrowed from me once before, and paid it back quickly. I am sad and don't want to cut off communication, but it is seeming like that is what is best now. She does sweet things like gave me an apple with honey for the holiday, and is very thoughtful. I am sooo confused. =(