Moving in with boyfriend

[Tierra]

At the end of the month I will be moving in with my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other just over a year now. Right now he lives 6.5 hours away from me.

 

I can't wait to see him, I want to be with him...but I'm also scared. I'm leaving all my family, friends and everything I've known behind. I quit my full time job so I can pack up my apartment and take a little time off. This move is a big deal to me.

 

My main concern is the living conditions. His small house has pretty much been gutted and is waiting to be redone. Imagine this...1 bathroom with a shower and toilet in the basement and 1 small finished bedroom where he sleeps, is the only thing in the house. There are wood frames around but no drywall up. There is no kitchen...no fridge, stove, microwave or cabinets. There is no furniture but his bed...that means no couch, kitchen table, tv. ....*sigh* He says its all in storage and he hates to bring it all in while the house is being redone. Thing is...no one is working on the house! He keeps saying he needs to find someone to finish his house, but he hasn't! He knew I was moving in with him since July and its Sept. now.

 

His living situation doesn't bother him because he has gotten used to it. He works alot so he's not home. He says he works long hours because no one is there waiting for him. If he did have someone there, he wouldn't work all day. I sure hope that's true.

 

I'm getting scared that I'll be miserable in his unfinished house. He can go to his shop and be in his place doing what he likes (he loves his job, working on cars) and get his alone time. I don't want to go to his shop and get in his hair all the time since he is trying to work. But what will I do? I figure I'll get a part-time job until I can find a decent paying full-time job. So I work, then go home to an empty house with nothing in it..not even a tv. I have a tv, but he doesn't even have cable hooked up.

 

I imagine myself sitting all alone with my cat in this empty house crying. It has kept me up for the last couple nites. I start to cry when I think about it. I tried mentioning to him that I won't have anything there, but he doesn't seem to get it.

 

I know its easy to say just don't move out there. I just found out about a week ago that the guy that was supposed to be working on his house, hasn't. I pratically have my foot out the door waiting to move. I told my landlord this was my last month living here. I quit my job already. Most of my stuff is packed away. If I'd known sooner his house was still gutted out, I wouldn't of quit my job yet and all that stuff.

 

What am I supposed to do? I'm in love with this guy, but I'm scared I'll be miserable with the living conditions. I won't have any gf's to hang out with to get me out of the house. I don't have any hobbies to keep me busy because I can't find something I'm interested in. I won't have anywhere to go to just get away because I don't know my way around.

 

If anyone has any ideas, please share!

 

Thanks

[gattsuga]

maybe you can find someone to finish up his house. he sounds like he has no time. find another job around his place? find a hobby? you're not gonna stay in the house all day unti he comes home are you?

[Batya33]

Since you have been renting where you live, rent your own apartment in his area - or within a reasonable driving distance and continue to date him. I would not move there unless you have a full time job already or jobs are plentiful there. You're putting yourself in a very dependent and vulnerable position for no good reason -- do you want to marry this guy? Does he want to marry you? If the problem is the distance that is easily solved without moving in. It will be worth every penny of the rent.

[loveydovey]

Wow, this is a similar situation I was in. I was faced with a decision to move or stay (we live 7 hours away), and I chickened out. My reason was mainly because I am not financially in a position to relocate right now. However, I suspect you'll be okay. Yes, you will probably have times when there is nothing to do, but it will get better. If you have your degree, maybe you could join some professional organizations. Join a gym where you could take some aerobics or pilates classes and meet new gfs! Depending on what city you're moving to, there may be lots of events and activities open for the public to attend. And if you need to, in the beginning have your family and closest friends on speed dial and let them know you'll be calling them and bugging them when you're feeling lonely Hope that helps! Let me know how it goes once you move there. I'm interested to know the outcome from one LDer to another

[Tierra]

Ugh no! I definatly don't want to wait around for him all day in the house. I'd rather be going off and doing something. It's just going to be hard for me until I can learn where things are at.

[loveydovey]

Is it a big town? Don't know if you've found anything on the internet, but many times that can be helpful.

[helen37]

If you really love the guy and want to give a try then you can initiate the house remodelling while you are out of job of course he has to shoulder the expenses.Get things straight with him.Ask him what his budget is and if he could trust you with being incharge at it.If he agrees and you have financing in place then start looking for someone who is ganna do it.It could be fun,go buy some house remodelling magazines,go to home depot and start looking for the paint color you love,imagine how you want the place to look after remodelling.If you love this guy so much that you are willing to give up a job and a place you can call your own then I think its worth giving it a try.But if nothing works and he can't bring forth promises then move on find your own place and your own place in the sun.Goodluck!

[Tierra]

Getting an apartment out there was in my mind. I don't know what are good areas/bad areas to rent in, in that city. I was thinking that I could just move in with him long enough to get my full-time job then start looking for my own place if I couldn't stand living in a bedroom.

 

I don't know if I could rent a place with no job, that's why I say I would move in first, then get a job and start checking out places.

[Batya33]

I would say do not do that unless you have the cash up front for those expenses. Sounds like she loves him enough to give up her job, he doesn't seem to be lifting a finger to make the place livable for her.

[gattsuga]

haha that's great. Just make sure you don't paint his house pink or put a bunch of stuffed animals everywhere

[laboheme]

Does he know how you're feeling about the situation? Oftentimes men don't realize that their living conditions are not up to par...Or maybe he's actually waiting to hear your input on what should be done to the house -- isn't that a nice idea?

 

Will you have a car? Are you up for a lot of walking (if the city is safe, of course)? I suggest grabbing a map and exploring the new town...make it an adventure that lasts several days. loveydovey had some great ideas about meeting new people. In fact, the way I look at it, if you're not feeling good about the house, it will encourage you to go out and about! And as far as not knowing where things are...learning is half the fun!!!

[helen37]

You know guys needs a little push but if nothing ever works atleast its worth the try.Of course financing should be in place before anything is done.Atleast get things straight if you get the wrong responses it will sort of wake you up and help you realize that he has no intentions to make you happy and a man like that does not deserve even a minute of your time.

[Tierra]

I might casually mention it tonite if he happened to find anyone to work on his house. I would love to paint his walls pink! and have cat stuff all over!

I don't have the money to do that though, and he would kill me!

 

I would really like for us to both decorate his house, that way it will feel more like its my home too, not just his home.

 

I can just see him finally getting someone to work on the house once I move in. I just wish he would of done it before I moved in. You're right though...he really isn't lifting a finger to make it livable for me. It's frustrating because I know he really cares about me. Heck, his first plans in the house was to have the upstairs bathroom done for me.

[Batya33]

It's simple. Watch the feet, not the lips - what he does, not what he says.

[Smitty1]

This has disaster written all over it, it doesnt seem to have been planned out very well and now you will have to make compromise after compromise until you start resenting him. Maybe you should stay with family or friends where you are and re-group after you have a detailed plan of action. Love dont pay the bills! The distance between you is making you rush to get to him even at your own expense.

[BornToResist]

Woah woah woah slow down honey! First of all, your gut is telling you something important!! You have hesitations about this, and frankly, they are well deserved. I couldn't agree with this more:

This has disaster written all over it, it doesnt seem to have been planned out very well and now you will have to make compromise after compromise until you start resenting him. Maybe you should stay with family or friends where you are and re-group after you have a detailed plan of action. Love dont pay the bills! The distance between you is making you rush to get to him even at your own expense.

 

Can you possibly stay with family or friends for a month or so? You could get a filler job for a bit and save up some money and get your own place...I highly recommend doing this.

 

If you move in with him, you will resent him. He will continue on with his life and what if you are miserable? You will sit and sulk while he is out and about living life like nothing is wrong. If he hasn't noticed that this is bothering you, do you think he will later? Or maybe he will after you nag him about it, but is that really how you want to start this living situation?

 

It was very wrong of him to put you in this situation, but look at it from the outside in. It is a terrible situation, but you know enough now to not jump into it. Consider it a good thing that you found out before you took that leap.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. You want him to move in with you because you really really care and love him, right? Well, would you put him in the situation you're in right now? Would you let him quit his job and put in his notice without having a proper place for him to live?

[Scout]

Good advice. I was also thinking that she could present this as a positive to her boyfriend...sort of like, ok, I'm going to give this place the woman's touch! And you have to agree to that, AND I need to know you have the budget for it. BEFORE I move in!

[Scout]

...he really isn't lifting a finger to make it livable for me.

 

And that's the bottom issue here. You really should be frank with him and find out why. Make sure he actually has the money to finish his house before you move in there, or yes, you will be depressed living in a shell of a house.

[Momene]

I won't move in with him and I suggest you tell him to get his act together.