Friend is manipulative and controlling... >_<

[gattsuga]

Let's see... well I've known this girl for over 5 years, and we're only friends (She's about 10 years older than me). My problem is she can be a good friend at times, BUT most of the time she is very controlling and such a drama queen. I don't know if I can deal with her anymore. So we are leading a youth group at our church, and she is the 'head honcho' you could say. She is so controlling it's getting really difficult to work with her. If I dont' listen to EXACTLY what she tells me to do, she gets very upset and tries to guilt me by saying things like "I'm very disappointed in you.", or "It just breaks my heart... blah blah blah"

 

Now I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I cannot work with this friend anymore. I told her I don't read the meeting minutes, and she says "It just breaks my heart"... I tell her, "you know XXXX, me not reading minutes doesn't break your heart".. and she says, "Yes it does" and walks away. GAhhhh!!!!

 

So how do I deal with this person? I don't want to make enemies of her, cuz she has been a good friend in the past. It's just if I don't agree with something, or contribute my own ideas/views, she gets all worked up and argues t'ill our voices are hoarse. I've tried reasoning with her, no luck, i've tried talking to her in a calm, gentle manner... she doesn't get it.

 

I don't want to abandon my youth group, cuz I do like the work I do for the kids, but I just can't handle dealing with XXXX cuz it's driving me innnsaaannneeee!

 

I'd appreciate some ideas/tips on how to approach her... Thanks

[flower99]

oh wow, she does like to play on your emotions. That would drive me crazy too.....Have you told her that?

Next time she says "it just breaks my heart" look at her & tell her "don't play on my emotions" if she protests, just tell her. "you're trying to make me feel guilty to get what you want, that's not right"

 

If you can't get through to her...maybe find a different way to contribute to the youth that doesn't involve working with her.

best wishes

[DN]

Next time she says "It just breaks my heart" - hand her a roll of duct-tape.

 

And I am serious. Some people need a really loud wake-up call.

[gattsuga]

lol... i've told her to shut up.. but she'd just laugh it off and tell me to grow up

[flower99]

well if you say shut up, you're right it will either be a laugh or a grow up comment...but still she may not understand the reason for your reaction unless it's addressed.

duct tape does acknowledges her dramatic comment....(: good one. but if you don't have any handy, say something.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Let's see... well I've known this girl for over 5 years, and we're only friends (She's about 10 years older than me). My problem is she can be a good friend at times, BUT most of the time she is very controlling and such a drama queen. I don't know if I can deal with her anymore. So we are leading a youth group at our church, and she is the 'head honcho' you could say. She is so controlling it's getting really difficult to work with her. If I dont' listen to EXACTLY what she tells me to do, she gets very upset and tries to guilt me by saying things like "I'm very disappointed in you.", or "It just breaks my heart... blah blah blah"

 

 

Erm, like the duct tape idea. Or being blunt - 'you're being melodramatic, and it bugs the living whatever out of me.' Once I ended a friendship with someone by telling them the truth about how I saw them (I was actually scared of their 'orrible mood swings!). I wished I had said something milder earlier, rather than being so blunt. Because she really took on board what I had said, but for me it was too late.

 

Maybe even tell her that you're thinking of pulling out because you don't like working with her because of the way she treats you. You're sure she's not aware of this, so wanted to be honest because you are friends... That should be a wake up call.

 

good luck!

[gattsuga]

yeah, i like that idea flower99.. and i dunno if i'll give her the duct tape lol... although i'd find it funny, she'd probably get super pissed. guess it's time for her wake up call

[gattsuga]

So yeah, I tried the "you're trying to make me feel guilty to get what you want, that's not right" deal flower99... and this was her reply "It is right, cuz if you don't feel guilty how can you change for the better? As Christians we need to keep each other accountable. How am I suppose to keep you accountable if I can't make you feel guilty"

 

Then came a very heated argument, and she started crying and saying 'you're breaking my heart' but holy crap.... i never realized what a drama queen she is. I never let down, or said sorry. I know she's just being really stupid and controlling. Any other bright ideas lol?

 

Edit*

She's over 30, is all hope for her to change her way of thinking gone ? She seems pretty firmly rooted in her mindset. Stubborn as a mule

[RelaxByWater84]

Hey I'm a pastor's kid and I know situations like this happen in the church. I would go and see the pastor or someone "higher up" in the church to seek advice. Hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you need more info.

[flower99]

Oh wow! I'm sorry that's didn't work so well

I'm a believe myself. I know about being accoutable, but I've always understood we are only accountable to GOD! And other christian are there to support & encourage & learn from. NOT to guilt you into change..... that is so wrong!!! God is always working in you, she doesn't need to change you. And no where in the bible (that i've read) does it say to do that.

 

Good job on not letting down or apologizing for your words. I fully believe you were in the right. ...while she was crying you should have said, "well that's just ME makeing YOU feel guilty so you can change for the better" ha ha ha...no not really! that wouldn't be any better. But funny..maybe she'll see how stupid that is.

 

Yeah at this point, I'm not sure what you should do. prayer & possibly going to someone "higher up in the church" Cause i really don't believe what she's doing is right & gattsuga I have to say you are handling this amazing. I don't know if i could have done as well as you (:

[Gratsy]

She sounds controlling. Good people can be controlling. Its the kind of thing where you have to decide if you're willing to love her anyways or its too much. Its not a bad decision either way. Me- I've had people I thought were good but were too difficult for me to love in a context where she was in close contact with me.